I discovered my wife in an EA headed for a PA a month ago tomorrow. She has shown no remorse whatsoever. I was thinking it would be easier if she would be remorseful but reading what some of you have been going through that probably wouldn't help much. I also hate what I have turned into, checking her emails, phone calls and whereabouts. I did discover that she is still communicating with him. She says she wants to work on things, but with the exception of one conversation regarding the affair right after I discovered it she refuses to address it and nothing has changed. I have been in counseling and she said she would consider it as well but not right now. I realize its only been a month, but I really feel like I'm being strung along.

I know what you mean by remorse, but I wouldn't hold my breath. One thing that has really surprised me about my W's EA and all the stuff I have read on here is that WS's seem to never show remorse. Go figure, but it seems to be the rule.

There are a lot of folks on here who can advise you much better than me (listen to them), but here are few ideas:

Don't feel bad about snooping, just keep doing it as much as you can. Snoop like he11. You have to know what is going on.

You also need to expose ASAP. You have got to end it before it becomes a PA. Is OM married? If so, you need to tell OM's W ASAP. Then you should think of who else you could tell that could influence your W to end it.

You also need to insist on no contact - again, especically if it could become a PA.

There are several threads on here dealing with all of this that will tell you much more than I just did but you need to act quickly or you will have a PA to deal with.

Istahl, sorry you are here, my friend. Nothing is likely to change until she ends contact with the OM. Plan A will be a great help in that aspect. I would get the book Surviving an Affair as fast as you can and start Plan A today. Here are some links to get you started:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

How to Survive Infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

193 & Mel -

Thanks so much for you replies, your advise is appreciated. In reading about plan A I have a significant hurdle to clear. My W has a child with the OM. We have been married for 14 years and I am the only father my step-daughter has really known. The OM had an affair with my W 20 years ago, while married to his first wife, got my W pregnant, contested the pregnancy, fought child support, and has had little to nothing to do with his daughter. My W has despised the OM for years for his lack of interest. This was the last person I suspected her having affair with. He is now on wife #2 and is again having an affair with my W. Confronting her regarding contacting him now results in her telling me it's in regard to their daughter.

Is it still imperative or even realistic to expect all contact be eliminated?

Ishtahl, if that is the case, I would suggest calling his current wife and telling her about the affair. NOW. Without telling your wife.

You could set up an arrangement where all contact ends between the affairees and only comes between you two. She doesn't HAVE to be in contact with him to raise this girl.

I have exposed the EA obviously to my W and also to the OM. There would be major repercussions all around with possible job loss on my wife's part, hurt and anguish of family, friends, OM's W, and a major love buster that may spell the end.

Is it reasonable to think that there could be change without involving innocent parties or has everyones experience been that everyone must be told?

My W and I spent part of this weekend at a spa for our anniversary. Ironically, she had agreed to go with me prior to me discovering her A. She had planned a rendezvous with OM for next weekend. For the most part it was a great time, we connected at a level we hadn't in a long time. Of course there were a lot of mixed messages, which has been the case since my discovery. We did broach the subject of the A for only the 2nd time since I discovered it about 6 weeks ago. I asked if she had had any contact with the OM since D-Day and she admitted she tried but he is refusing to return her correspondence. I told her I was considering exposing the A to extended family, friends and co-workers and she said that would be the end of us.

It appears there has been no contact and she said she was trying and wants to work things out. Am I being naive? Should I spill the beans?

Tell the other man's wife. She deserves to know, and then she can watch him also.

You're right, it may spell the end - of the affair.

So, you're willing to absorb all the hurt and anguish for everyone else by not exposing?

Do you have any children with her?

WAT

Job loss? Threats? He's her boss? Expose..... then you gotta wonder what else he has been 'disloyal' about. He s/b worried more about his job status (unless he owns the comapny and then his customer's worry).

She can file sexual harrassment if there is such a thing going on. Coercion (sp???). There are laws against this.....

L.

Yes, we have a 13 year old daughter.

The problem with exposure is that it really interferes with affairs. This is why WS' make so many idle threats about it. [and yes, they are all idle threats, they ALL threaten that this "will be the end of us. blah, blah, yip, yap <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />] They are hoping to silence the BS so he will shut up and not ruin the affair. And, often it works!!! Especially with the wimpier models.

Howevr, if the affair has ended, there is no reason to expose the affair to family and friends. That doesn't apply to the OM's wife, though. The spouse should ALWAYS be notified regardless of the state of the affair. Without forewarning the WS!

It is important to NEVER forewarn a WS about exposure, though. Don't ever talk about it, just DO it. Threatening to expose can have devastating results and will get you nowhwre.

Ok, I did not realize I had posted to you before. Have you notified the OM's wife yet? Of course there will be repercussions, there always is when you screw someone else's husband. However, your wife wanted to take that risk when she did it. It is not a lovebuster to expose the affair.


You mean you confronted them? You can't expose to someone who already knows.