I don't want a roommate. I've had them and it's not all it's cracked up to be. I want a husband. I want a husband who is ENGAGED in this marriage. One who behaves as if he's in love and wants to be here. One who is still affectionate and loving, one who doesn't do things out of duty but because he loves "us" and wants to do those things. I want to feel beautiful in his presence and I want to feel like it matters if I'm there. I want him to acknowledge my love for him in kind. I want him to realize that when we said "I Do" it didn't mean "I'm Done".

In the past 4 months my H and I have had sex 3 times. We didn't make love. There was no emotional connection - it was purely physical and barely satisfying even for that. He won't hold my hand, he won't let me hug him first, he won't allow me to initiate any level of physicality in any way. He only approaches me when he knows it's virtually impossible for us to follow through with any kind of sexual contact - for instance, when I'm cleaning up the dinner dishes and there are 8 million teenagers in the house. And his method of making a move is by grabbing my breasts. I'm sorry, but I need a little more emotional foreplay and he thinks this method is actually hot for me. Hello? All this man talks about it work. He goes to work, comes home, showers, eats and then falls asleep only to get up the next day and do it all over again. We don't do anything during our down time except walk the dogs or work in the yard. He hates taking a day off (even if it's a weekend day), he hates taking vacations. When he wants to do something, if me or the girls (we have two teens from my prior marriage) he expects us to jump and be ready with smiley faces, yet when we ask him to do something, he grumbles about it or flat out says no. He doesn't help with cooking, yet grumbles if after working my full time job there is no hot dinner. When I make dinner he will inevitably find something to complain about.

I am bitter. I am angry and resentful. I have reached a point now where I don't even want him to touch me, I am not turned on by him hardly at all. I groan inwardly whenever he starts to speak, because it is always about his work and I've heard it all before about 8 million times. It is old and boring. I don't want to feel like I can't stand him, but it's like I can't help it. I have been reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and the one about LoveBusters. I see us or at least parts of our relationship. I pointed things out to him, and he told me to read the books and then tell him what to do. That is not the sign of a person who is engaged in his own marriage. He wants me to do all the legwork and I just can't keep trying if he's not alongside with me.

We've been in counseling a few times over the years for various reasons the last two times being his alcoholism and before that his penchant for porn and masturbation. He refuses to see a counselor and he refuses to go to AA. He obviously has intimacy issues and if he's unwilling to work on them, I don't see us getting too much further in our marriage - we'll be married 10 years in August.

I've always dreamed of having one of those marriages where the couple works as a team, they discuss things, they have common goals, etc. My brother has a marriage like that and I makes me so sad to feel like I never will.

I am currently in counseling for myself. I need to know why I suck so bad at this marriage thing. My 1st husband also had intimacy and addiction issues. How is it that I keep choosing men who are so disengaged and detached from me? What I doing to drive them away? What is it about me that causes them to turn away from me? I am really at a loss with this. I can't help but think it's me now. My counselor told me that she thinks my H is having an affair, either with someone else or with himself, but he's definitely not in the here and now with me. She said he seems too content to just live together without physical or emotional intimacy and I am too young to give that up. She suggested I leave him. I can't right now - my youngest dd will graduate HS next year, so then I can, but I can't do that to my girls right now. One divorce is enough. By the way, not that age matters all that much, but I'm 43 and he's 44. It's not like we're ancient and can't have sex or intimacy or a normal marriage. We're still relatively young enough to be enjoying one another 100% and that's not happening. I see his parent's marriage and it is dead. His mother stares off into space and her eyes glaze over whenever her H (my FIL) starts telling one of his 100 year old stories. She seems only happy when we're talking about the times when her kids were young. Otherwise, she seems so distant. FIL and MIL never touch and they sleep in separate rooms - it's as if they have nothing left, but since it's against thier religion to divorce (or they stand to lose a lot of cash) they stay married. I am wondering if H thinks this is normal. I could write a book, in fact, I think I may have! I'm sorry this is so long, but I just had to get this out. My two best friends are sick of hearing about it.

Wow this board moves fast!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It's a good place to be.

It sounds like your husband learned his behavior from his parents. He probably does think that you have a normal marriage.

If your husband is still drinking, go to alanon. They will be able to help you deal with him. If he is drinking, his affair is more likely with the bottle. Since he won't seek help, it is up to you.

Welcome to MB!

Has your H always been this way?

It sounds like he has learned from his parents example.
This is now the example for your daughters.

Does your H keep irregular hours? Does he spend alot of time away from the house? Does he keep a cell phone at his side? Is he on the computer alot? Other than the lack of sex what makes your IC think he is having an affair? Do you think he is having A?

Hello, thanks for your replies. No, when I think about it realistically, I don't think he's having a physical affair. I think he could be having an emotional affair, though I don't know with whom, possibly his work, possibly himself.

He is not on the computer A LOT, but he did just buy himself a new computer for "his use only". He is not on the phone hardly ever. I don't know if he's on his cell a lot during the day. He's a builder/carpenter so he's all over the place and at different locations always. He leaves the house at 6:30 AM and returns home around 7PM - all grungy and smelly and dirty from work, so I doubt he'd be whooping it up with some babe in that condition. But, of course what do I know?

I should probably add that I cheated on my first H with him. My first marriage was dead by the time we began our emotional affair, which then grew physical. I sought out someone who cared about what my feelings and he was it. I realize that it isn't the perfect beginning, however, I truly thought (as did H I believe) that we were soul mates, or whatever you'd call it. I thought we were meant to be and that we'd be as happy forever as we were in those first 7 years. But we're not and now I feel like history is repeating itself.

Watch out for the 2x4's I'm sure they will be coming. Ya know like...you got what you deserved...what goes around comes around.

But...this is now.
Have you come to terms about what really happened in your 1st M? What was your part in that? What have you learned from that?

So it seems after 7 yrs the fog has lifted...he is not Prince Charming. What are you willing to do?

Hi confused.

I've dated a lot of men in my earlier years, and I never cheated on anyone before my ex. As soon as I knew something wasn't quite right, I sought out counseling for us (turned out to be only me). I literally begged him every week for 3 years to join me in counseling. He always laughed at me and refused. His affair at the time was with cocaine and pot. He was never there for me or my daughters emotionally or physically. I KNOW I did everything within my power to save my marriage before I finally left him. I don't carry any guilt or questions that leaving him was the right thing. It was. What happened with my current H (then OM) was a one night thing. We didn't go any further for over a month - and within 3 months I was out of my exh's house. Niether OM or I dealt with that night together very well. He was my exH's best friend at the time so in his mind, he was the cheater moreso than me as he'd known my exh since they were boys. He really carried a lot of guilt with him for a long time. I did not. I knew at that point that after 3 years of counseling my marriage was over, it was just a matter of moving out with my dd's. I actually thought I could wait another 2.5 years until they were both in school full time. Turns out I couldn't. So, I told exh I was leaving, which he pretty much expected, made my plans and left. My current H (then OM) and I took things very slowly because we were both afraid. I dated other men after my separation and divorce...I didn't jump from being married to another man. I didn't go from one man to the next. I continued in my counseling as well. We never allowed anyone to know we were seeing each other for over another year - I didn't want my girls to get confused or see mommy dating, etc. Likewise, why go public if it's not the real thing? I was told by my counselor that I was doing things the right way. My girls are now 18 and 16 and doing very well - they are incredibly balanced and wonderful. H and I are 44 and 43.

I eventually moved over 150 miles away for a job offer and he (OM) visited us often. He moved to be with us after about a year and we were married 2 years later. He's been an excellent father and provider and he's a hard worker. He's a good man, but we've grown apart and he's obviously got something going on that I can't figure out. I am currently in counseling, as I've stated before, so I am trying to work at this. I'm not quite ready to bail yet. I'd like to save our marriage. My first marriage only lasted 5 years, this time around it's going on 10 years and while I know we love each other and respect one another, there is something missing; I want this to be forever if possible.

I don't necessarily feel I should look out for the 2X4's, but I do like the analogy! :0)

I know I'm not a serial cheater and the small picture I gave of my first marriage and how I came to cheat on exh is just that - a very small glimpse and probably not enough to see everything. But there it is....let the 2X4's fly.

Thanks for your thought provoking questions.

Thanks for the background info.

How does your current H feel about the state of your M? Have you been able to make him understand how you feel? Does he realize he is in jeapordy of losing you? Is he currently drinking/drugging? Have you been to ALANON?

How does your current H feel about the state of your M? He'd have to be deaf dumb and blind to not see that we have some real serious issues to work on.

Have you been able to make him understand how you feel? I have told him many times, one on one as well as with and in front of a counselor.

Does he realize he is in jeapordy of losing you? Whenever that comes up in a discussion he always looks at me and says, "Till death, remember? Till death" which my counselor has said I should take as a threat, but I don't because I doubt very much that H would be capable of hurting me or killing me if I left him. But I could be wrong I guess.

Is he currently drinking/drugging? He drinks. He doesn't do any drugs. He doesn't get stinking drunk every day, but he may have one or two beers before leaving the shop to come home. I would say he falls asleep prematurely from excessive drinking about once a week. He gets cranky sometimes and I'm sure it's related to the drinking.

Have you been to ALANON? I have been to ALANON & ACOA - I am very familiar with the 12-step programs. I have read Codependent No More and other books along the same vein. I don't particularly care for the ALANON that is near my house so I haven't been in a while. That's part of the reason I returned to counseling but maybe I will take a shot at visiting a meeting again soon.

Thanks again for following this post. I can't believe how fast posts move along on this board!

Man, this board is moving fast...I had to go to page 8 to find your thread!!

He'd have to be deaf dumb and blind to not see that we have some real serious issues to work on.
He very well could be. He could be thinking he is comfortable...the way you described his parent's marriage...he may think what you have if just fine. There are probably a lot of marriage's just like yours.

You may have told him how you felt but it doesn't sound like he actually heard you...or took your comment seriously.

From reading your posts one question jumped to my mind. Do YOU want this marriage? Since you are on Marriage Builders I assume that you do.,. but some of your post sounds like looking for justification for wanting out. I'm glad you are in IC, it seems that you have been exploring your issues.

I am no expert and I can only draw from my experience. I don't want the marriage I currently have or had in the past...I am at a different stage in my life. I want my marriage and my H to evolve with me. Doesn't look like that is going to happen. But I know what I don't want and I know I don't want to settle.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs yet?

P.S.
Thanks for your support on my thread

>>Do YOU want this marriage?>>

I do want to be married to H. I want us to grow together and become stronger and better. I want the closeness we once shared, I want to argue less and hug more. I want to have that with my H. The trouble is that I don't know if that's going to be possible since I'm the only one working toward that goal. You said it sounds like I may be looking for justification for wanting out. To be honest, I have thought of leaving a few times, I've even dreamt it. But I don't need anyone's justification or permission. I know I can do it. I know I would survive - it would totally suck and I'd be heartbroken, but I'd rather be lonely living alone than lonely sharing a house with my H...since he's not a participant. KWIM?

I am currently reading His Needs/Her Needs and yesterday I printed out the questionaires. I'm going to start on mine this weekend and I will ask H to do one also, but I haven't got much faith that he will. He tends to think that those types of things are a joke. He says I over analyze things too much. Well, I don't think I'm over analyzing this too much. My counselor is really great. She tells me when I'm off base or if my thinking is not quite where it should be. She has many of the same concerns I have about my marriage and she even gave me the name of a great counselor for my H to deal with his alcoholism and addictive issues.

Thank you for YOUR support - I feel so sorry for what's happening with you and your H. You sound very strong; remember to be gentle with yourself as you move through the next steps. Thanks again.