hey. first post here.

last night i left my H. for a year, im 24 he´s 40. i kinda subreptitiously went to my parents house and my bedroom was completely remodeled so i felt out of place and didnot tell my father i had broken up with the guy. right now, i guess ill be living in my car.

my h, and me had a fair share of angry disagreements in the past year, each one growing increasingly more violent and yesterday he pushed me SO HARD and landed me on the bed from which we were about six feet away.... With painful consequences to my left breast. He also insults me quite a bit when angry, calling me an idiot and a lowlife. I dont know if i am overreacting but is it normal for people to insult and push spouses? i am afraid to go back cause in this direction there's only one outcome, which is me with my broken nose. Sometimes, i think i'd hit him back.

now he cries and calls my cell and asks me to go back.this has happened before but he does not change and i dont change either. i am tempted to go back cause all i got is a car, a laptop and about two hundred bucks. i have a job, but it depends on him cause is a business we both built though he worked a lot more than i and hes kinda the boss. Of course, i had been busy picking up his dirty dishes all over the house and doing all the cleaning.

i´d like some advice and support since i got no one to talk to.

violence is never good. can you talk to your parents about this? i would always let my child come home if they needed me, especially in circumstances like this. mlhb

i have no mother, she died. it´s difficult for me to talk to my father about that. We never talked any issue regarding sexor marriage, we always discussed money or sports. i tried to relate to my father in men issues cause he just could not approach me as a girl or as a woman. He would totally let me come home, but i dont think i fit home anymore cause i have no bedroom. My father hates my h. guts so i think he would have kept my room a bit longer... but he didnt so now my room is my brother's studio.

my h. says he was never agressive to me, he just "made me sit" on the bed. was i am positive sure that i landed on my back there and he pushed me with rage and it still hurts me there.

he says i drive him too mad when im depressed and its my fault. I give it that i can be really annoying.

Your husband is acting like the typical abuser, calling you and being nice.

Insist that he get some anger management counseling before you ever live with him again.

I would talk to your father, and tell him you need to move home.

If he won't let you, call a women's shelter. And if your husband ever pushes you again, call the police. In fact, you can probably have him put out of the house by getting a restraining order.

His anger and abuse is NOT your fault.

Your H is not going to get any better. You were smart to leave without telling him. The most dangrous time for an abused woman is when she is getting ready to leave the marriage. That is when the abuser ups the violence and that is when the victim is most likely to be killed.

Call the hotline for abused women, first thing, and set up a counseling session. THen go to the appointment.

Second thing, go home and tell your dad you have something very important to talk to him about. Tell him you have made a huge mistake by marrying an abuser. Palms up, you goofed. Beg him for his help. Tell him he was right, the guy you married is a bad guy, and now you understand why he never liked him.

The least important thing here is the redone bedroom. You should not be sleeping in your car.

The second least important thing here is your job. You cannot work for/with your H any more. I don't care if he's as rich as Bill Gates.

And, you need a restraining order. Go to the police and get one, and leave copies at all the police precincts in your city so that they have it if you call them. Carry a copy in your purse, another in your glove box, and keep copies in your dad's house.

Your abuser finds excuses to justify your behavior. I don't care if you are ugly beyond belief, shrill and nagging, if you're a barely literate idiot or if you chew with your mouth open. (And you can't be a barely literate idiot because you found us and posted a clear story to us.)

You don't deserve his abuse. Get out before there is a child in the picture.

I agree completely with every statement made above.

I was in an abusive relationship for twenty years. Don't wake up down the road like I did looking at your life saying............."What the heck did I do?"

Honestly, I am four years out now, and still have some issues. I was also afraid to tell my parents, and I had two kids in tow. To make matters worse I have a college degree and everyone viewed me as stupid when I finally told the truth to my church and others.

The thing is, you must protect yourself right now because you are open season in his opinion. Get help fast. Get a restraining order, go to a shelter if you need too. Remember though, a restraining order is only good if you are willing to have it enforced. It's really just a piece of paper that will help only with your action.

Certainly when your family discovers the truth they will be supportive. I was shocked at the amount of support I recieved when I finally opened up, and it really did help.

What he did is abuse, and you do have reason to fear him. I can tell you from experience that his behavior will increase and escalate you will always be in fear of how far he will go. Many times I wished mine would just get it over with instead of the mental torture he would put me through, or the words he used with me. The abuser wants you to feel you did something to provoke them, and they really believe themselves it's not really their fault. This is a very difficult pattern to change.

Don't waste your life, your self esteem, or any more energy on this, GET OUT NOW.

Sorry if I seem harsh, but I went down this road, I am forty six years old and can't get my life back. All that he took from me. I don't want that to ever happen to anyone else again.

i personally its not good beating your wife or any women . women are to be caressed , loved and taken care of .
i find it so cawardice for men to raise their hands on women . i agree with you that you fear him as you do not know to what extent he can be dangerous . the best thing for you to do right now is to remain far from him .
i know it will be difficult but its for your own safety .

i had one friend who had this kind of problem with her husband and she got some more info on it from this website
http://www.iwishisaidno.com/forum/1800-spousal-abuse.html
hope that it will be of great help for you .
good luck

Have you read our posts? Please respond.

Have you followed the links? The sites are helpful.

More info for you.

1. Abusers minimize what they do. Your abuser said he made you sit on the bed. You experienced an injury to your breast. An abuser will punch you, then claim he was blocking your attack and that you moved - hitting you was an accident (and it was all your fault.)

2. It's all your fault. If only you didn't ----
(fill in the blank) he wouldn't need to (fill in the blank)
If only you truly loved him, he wouldn't (_____________).
If only you would do ___________, he would know that you
[multiple choice]
a. loved him
b. were trustworthy
c. deserved decent treatment
d. were different from all the other ****** and ho's.
e. all of the above.

Update please?

Please read what I just wrote on learning2heal's thread titled "I think it's time to move on but...."

I suggest moving on. Obviously the Verbal and emotional has escalated to physical already, text book, now all that's left is for the physical to get worse and worse.

If he finds real help, great you can try to start over some day, if he doesn't you will be on your way already to rebuilding your own life.

I hope you come back an post for us, we are thinking of you.

adding my 2 cents to this excellent advice: Define "finding help" as his actually getting into a therapeutic situation and attending sessions for a year BEFORE considering going back to him or seeing him again. Abusers are really clever at fooling their victims into believing they are changing.

Believe it when you see it. Personally, I don't believe a 40 yr old man who chose a 24 year old woman as a "partner" wants an equal; rather he wants someone he can control. If you are determined to keep your marriage, you can live with your family while separated and IF you decide to think about reconciling, you can meet your H's therapist and be in touch to see that he actually goes to his appointments. But - don't hold your breath.

hello ShaneTH, I am so sorry to hear of another woman who has been through abuse. I left my bad tempered, verbally and slightly physically abusive h 3 months ago. I moved out of our house w/ my 2 children. We were married almost 14 years. I am unsure of how I will ever find a place of my own that I can afford but it is all in Gods hands and I know absolutely that I did the right thing and I will never go back. My h doesnt want help. He thinks I am to blame for leaving. All part of the games. Hang in there. Time will make it all worth it. You did the right thing. DO NOT GO BACK NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. Abusers are master manipulaters. They can twist things and be very convincing that you are crazy and wrong to feel like you do. I will pray for you. That is the best I can do for you. Arielle89