This is my first post. I am in a very difficult place right now. First I will fill you in a little bit, please bear with me. My H had A last year (July '05). We never had a time when we did not see eachother during this time. He said he wanted to fall in love again, so he did (with OW). He has said many terrible things over the last year; he's really a wonderful man, so I know it's, mostly, not true. I told him that he needed to make a decision about coming home. That was last October; he came home (much too soon). He has been distant and sometimes outright mean. Very insensitive and gives me nothing. Rarely touches me. I have tried to give him affection/attention, only to be snubbed on the reciprocation. I have told him that he needs to make a decision about whether the M is something that he wants to work on; he has not responded as of yet. OW is out of our lives, but they had to work together up until a couple of months to one month ago. I believe H is still in a withdrawal phase. I have ordered the book,"Surviving an Affair" and will read tuite d'suite. I know that H loves me, can sometimes tell he is in such despair, but I feel like my best friend is a stranger. How long can this last? I am so utterly low, and I don't see an UP in sight? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi there Temp,

Posting for support is a good start. So is reading SAA and this sight. Pay particular attention to the emotional needs section and go over them with your H.

When was your d-day?

My H and I put a lot of things into place to have a successful recovery. Here is a list. Hopefully it will get you thinking about a plan.

1. Counseling every single week with a great MC for a year

2. Pouring over Emotional Needs section and doing the EN questionaire together--continued to revisit our questionaires often the first several months

3. Spent 45 min together every night to talk or just stare at each other

4. Relied heavily on the Lord---our faith

5. Aligned ourselves with a couple (good friends, now dear friends) that I could talk to her and my H could talk to him about anything relating to our recovery. They supported us hugely by being there for us, listening and praying.

6. Anti-d's for me

7. A fierce committment to wanting this M to work

8. No Contact and total transparency by my H

Hopefully that will get you thinking. It sounds like you haven't really made a recovery plan yet. Sounds like there is a lot of hope for you.

Now get to work on some tangible actions for your recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Glad

D-Day was July 8, 2005. Aside from my mother's death, worst day of my life. I'm a very strong woman, but this has tested every facet of me and my courage, and has taken me to a place inside that only creates fear and hopelessness.
I am well aware of what I need to do to heal my own wounds, but cannot seem to get through to my husband, and encourage him to heal his own. He says that only he can make himself happy, and doesn't know what to tell me about his needs. He says that he has this tremendous feeling of guilt when he is around me, but he doesn't know where it comes from. I have told him that he has to learn to deal with the outcome of what has happened, and that guilt is a part of that. He has sought counseling in the past, but quit when the counselor asked him to pick a focus (either himself or his relationship with our son). I feel that he will wake to some of the destruction soon, but my heart is in so much pain and I suffer every day with this. I'm an empty human being, who really just needs a small sign or a glimmer of light to get my strength up and keep going. Oh, I'm rambling...Thank you for the advice; I am going to start reading tonight.

Hi temp, I will post a link to Suzet's thread on withdrawal below. It sounds like a very normal withdrawal. He has only been in withdrawal since his last with the OW, though. It will take several weeks for him to go through withdrawal.

In the meantime, I would suggest finding a counselor who is familiar with MB principles. If you can afford to counsel with Steve Harley of Marriage Builders, he would be enormously helpful and is worth every penny.

Two other books you should read are His Needs, HerNeeds and Fall in Love, Stay in Love.

Sorry you are here, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

Is it normal for someone to be going through withdrawal even after the A has ended and the only contact H had with OW was for business and over the phone? For a man, do feelings still remain that strong over that period of time, after it is obvious that the A is over?

6-8 weeks is the standard. It can and will vary depending on the level of emotional attachment to the OP. If it was just a ONS, the level of emotional attachment may not be that great, but if it was an A that lasted 2 years, you can bet there's intense emotional attachment.

This is going to be similar to putting a drug addict into a rehab facility for several weeks. Each time there is renesed contact, though, it's like a crack addict getting out of recovery and firing up a pipe again, then back into recovery, then back to the addiction. If you want to break the cycle, you've got to break the addiction. Radical changes might have to be made. Dr. Harley knows when he tells people to move or change jobs they're going to chomp at the bit, but if you can't seperate the addict from the drug of choice, in this case the OP, there is no recovery.

Just hang in there. If you've got to be angry and scream and rant and yell, do it here, not at your WS. Go sit in the car, turn up the radio and scream. You can do this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've taken to car drives at night by myself every now and then. I've come here to vent and it has helped, and it has raised more questions. How do you proceed when the other party is living with you, but states that they are unsure what they will do. Do you tell them to leave, even though the other person is no longer in the picture? I feel that pushing him to move out will be the end of this. I'm hanging by my nails and they are bending and breaking. I love this man, I enjoy the lifestyle we have, and want him to be happy, as well as myself; I feel like he is trapped in this now, and is ready to gnaw off a limb to get out. It's a quiet, albeit, strange existence. There is no screaming and fighting, as that serves no purpose; very little crying (in front of him). Do I just continue until he is ready to receive love from me? Do I ignore him, lavish him, what? I'm just floundering a bit and need to gather strength. He is changing cell phone carriers, so I will not have access to his online account, and I don't know how willing he will be to relinquish it. I have asked for total honesty today, so we will see. Thank you for listening.

One day at a time, kiddo. That's how you do it. That's how "I" do it. I have my bad days too. I'm not always this cheery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No, you don't ask him to leave. You tell him how important it is to you for him to stay and work on your marriage. You PLAN A. Kinda hard to do that when he's not in the house. I know the confusion of uncertainty can put your emotions on the boiling point. I've been there. Still going through it.

Slowly, slowly, changes happen. Right now, you've got to love you as much as you can. Love WS too, but love you most. Your self worth and self esteem are in pieces on the floor and WS isn't going to pick them up for you. By making you a better you, you're showing WS that you can be a better alternative to leaving. In the process, you feel better about yourself.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just a note, my husband sent flowers to me , AT WORK, in appreciation of Mother's Day. It is a first in our entire history. He was always thoughtful in a affectionate, physical way, but usually kind of daft about holidays and birthdays. I'm really touched and told him how much I appreicated it. That he was truly wonderful for having thought of me. I know that these things are a prescribed response for most other couples, but it is really something in this case. I'm not taking it as, 'you're the greatest, and I'm here for you' but it is something. I never knew how much I love a surprise. If we had been doing this all along, we probably never would have gotten to this horrid place. Lessons learned. (I sent him flowers on Valentine's, and he really liked them). Anyway, advice taken, no leaving, no giving up, chin up. Man! I love a good roller coaster ride, but too much of anything can bite!

ok, ok, so flowers ain't everything. Maybe guilt made him do it. Went out for dinner last night (his suggestion, out of the blue). Seemingly small signs that we could possibly recover. I'm not doing so well with being the best me. I have been wallowing about the requisite, 'I cannot belieeeeeve that he has done this, and isn't even trying to make ammends!'. I've discovered the truth, I have to at least APPEAR happy in order for him to see me as a great alternative to the big D.

So here's the dilemna, we went out to dinner, then went and got new cell phones, mine is pink. The only problem, we have now switched to two separate, super secret accounts. I can no longer check his minutes without stealing away a moment with his phone. He says that he basically wants to be prepared for'n if'n we go the route of a D. Well I had a veeeeery long conversation and said I would not seek a D, that he would have to do all of that mess. I love him, but surprise, I'm not in love with him, either. I guess the object of Plan A is to separate myself from his emotionless base, and work on being me again; as I have lost myself in all of this. I'm just here today to rant and see if anyone is listening. I told him that I will not ask for a D and moving out is not something that I think he should even consider now; that will lead him to the lawyer and definitly the Big D. I told him that he would not get to live the lifestyle he has grown accustomed to (we have lots of STUFF, that we both enjoy, and the land to play with it on); we will have to sell his childhood home and start anew, and we will probably never be friends again. I told him that I am not going to talk about this again, that I've spoken my peace, and that I just want to be me again. He said "HERE, HERE!"
He has started to invite me to functions to meet his friends, and I'm going to shine, damnit! Maybe he really is trying; but distancing at the same time? Geez, what a crock!

***Is it normal for someone to be going through withdrawal even after the A has ended and the only contact H had with OW was for business and over the phone?***

temp - if he still talks to her on the phone for "business," then he is still in contact with her. The A will never end as long as they are in contact. You cannot ever get to Recovery as long as the A is going on.

Got that?

In order to even start cleaning up this mess, he would have to agree to two things:

1) Do whatever it takes to have NO CONTACT with her whatsoever - no business contact, no phone contact, no emails, no text messages, no mental telepathy, no owls, no nothing. There are many threads on this board right now about this very subject. Please read them.

2) Write the OW a No Contact letter that YOU read and place in the mail yourself.

Is he willing to do both of these things? If he's not, then you are not in recovery.
Mulan

Got it! I must sound completely off the charts with this stuff. A little backstory to my H. His biological mother died last May (his grandparents adopted him/raised him) H had a relationship with bio-mom, but it was more like friends. He was essentially abandoned by her (she went on to remarry and have another son). He soon after began talking to OW (his boss) about his life, and she returned the favor --married too young, looking for happiness, trying to 'find' herself, traveling, adventure, yada yada. Well they worked together, so you can draw a picture. Anyway, I asked him to work on M, he said OK, he didn't work on M, I asked him to leave (hadn't discovered MB yet). He left, they had very short affair, she told him it was over, and could not see him anymore, she was going to work on her M. She had already left the job, but worked with a firm that consulted with H, so they had 'business' contact; I was told she was very 'businesslike - pretty cold'. He returned home in October, as I made the mistake of telling him that I was going to close the door on him soon, so he needed to decide how important our M was to him. I believe he came home too soon. The last contact (I asked him last night) was late January. Now he doesn't know what he wants; believes that the affair must have happened because our M was over. He says there are no needs that I can fulfill. I know that he has taken to going out after work with friends, and enjoys leisure time; has started to ask me to join him and his friends--meet them, be a part of his life. Does that sound positive or just drippings. I don't believe he would have a place to deliver the letter, as OW will have no contact with him. Maybe just writing it will help? Or sending an email to her known address. He will be against it, due to pride ( as she ended things, broke his heart). He told me that he will not be calling her for anything anymore, as he has established a new contact from the consulting firm. NC is in place, just no letter. H says that he doesn't know what to tell me and that he doesn't think that he can love me as before. Is this real talk, or fog talk. He has apologized for the pain that he has caused myself and our son, so it seems that he is recognizing the destruction. I don't want to confront him with too much at one time, as he seems almost weakened and closed off with every serious conversation. Oh, crikey! I'm exhausted! I talk too much. I'm a strong willed person; talked to him for 3 hours last night about all of this, but still have no real commitment