When we first found Marriage Builders, probably from an Internet search,
it was a BLESSING~a God sent~(Whether we were BS or WS.)
We read all the information on the home page and clung to these discussion
forums like a lifeline.

However, for many of us, after months and even years have passed, it is taking
too much of our time and coming here has crossed over to a habit and an addiction.

How many hours are you spending here at MB? I find I am filling my mind
with other people's problems, think about them throughout the day. This is probably NOT a good thing. We need to be concerned and involved in our OWN lives, not strangers on a message board.

Now some of you are spending your time here helping others.
That is different, you are not just 'reading' but actually giving counseling and advice. You may be wanting to cut back also but this thread is mostly for us that are just 'lurkers'.

For me, I am trying to STOP coming here so often. I know my husband wants
me WITH HIM and NOT on the computer. But it is HARD not to click on this
General Questions II forum. I even have it bookmarked in FAVORITES and I want to know how things are going on different threads. (Like if Kiwi has told her husband of her rendezvous with former OM.)

So, how are some of you doing it? Reducing your time here?

If any wonder where I am in my life now, my point of recovery from my on line
affair with an old school mate, I posted last night on Owl's thread in Recovery.

By the way, does anyone know what happened to FINALLY LEARNING?
Did she say she was leaving MB for awhile?

I will write in my next post what prompted me to start this thread.

I read this last night and felt very troubled while trying to sleep. And I understand the pull of this forum.
These quotes are from 3 different people from a thread in Recovery.

"Lately when I go on to MB I start to feel really emotional. Mostly drained after reading so many posts. I have been spending all my time on here and not doing any of the household chores or getting out or having any fun whatsoever."

"MB can be addictive. Not necessarily a good thing. Could be that you might need to put some of the things you have learned into action and take a break from MB for a while."

"I totally related to your post. I, too, have been questioning the benefit of reading and posting on here as I feel down after reading too, and I think my H notices it.
I am a stay-at-home-mom too, with 4 little ones and am neglecting the house too! How old are your kids? Mine are 7, 5, 3, 1...all girls."

I have a few suggestions that I have been trying to follow. Fortunately, my
children are grown so I am NOT neglecting my little ones but many young mothers
are and we all need to help one another with this latest Internet addiction.

Reading here should NEVER take the place of caring for our little ones.

So we are finally into Marriage Recovery, our marriages are doing good, the sun is shining brighter it seems and then we realize we are caught in this MB addiction! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Maybe we can help one another to figure out how to spend less hours
on the computer and on this MB site.(NOT TO STOP; JUST LESS TIME.)

I will give just a couple suggestions and I hope others will hop in and give more.

In the mornings, do not even connect to the computer until after breakfast,
after the dishes are washed, after the kiddies are dressed, after the beds are made, after a load of laundry is in and AFTER you are dressed yourself.

Then connect and set a timer. LIMIT your time to 1/2 hour. Just read the few threads that are of interest to your own situation... DO NOT READ ALL OF THEM. Then do some more chores for 1/2 hour. (That time might include reading a story book to your children.) Then back on for 1/2...and so on.

Once your husband is home from work (by the way, your home should be neat and supper ready) do not go back on the computer unless for a very short time.
HE AND THE CHILDREN SHOULD BE YOUR PRIORITY.

This site can be like reading a TRUE STORY magazine and we really do not need all these dear people's hurts rattling around in our minds and thoughts. We need to concentrate on our OWN problems and healing our OWN marriage.

P.S. I am NOT referring to the good people on here that are daily helping others and give so much of their precious time to do this. This thread is for those of us that may be neglecting our children or husbands by spending TOO MUCH time on the computer and at MB forums.

Okie dokie, now for some more suggestions from MB friends
on how to not spend so much time here at MB.

(Dr. Harley might need to add some articles on his home
page on how to get past this MB addiction.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Rain!

I am one of those quotes you used!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All your suggestions are valuable and true. I am actually up at 6:30am getting my "computer fix" while the rest of the household is asleep. I have had success in the past with using a timer for house-related stuff (ever heard of flylady??) and should try using it for computer time.

I found some ironic humor in posting here on the computer about computer addiction! I had an imagine in my mind of an AA group having their meeting at a bar with a round of drinks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My interest was peaked in your post when you said your children are all grown and also your suggestions which could potentially sound "old-fashioned" to some (neat home/supper ready) sounded to me just like what I envision wanting my day to day to be like but I somehow get myself lost in the chaos of the day from moment one. (I am the one with the 4 little girls).

Anyway, just wanted to join you on this thread. Thanks for your suggestions. I will try using some today and let you know how it goes later.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Blessings,
Glad

Ah, you are a sweetie...I have a daughter with 3 little ones. Ages 2 years to 7 years and my H and I babysit at least once a week...Even then, I have to beware of clicking on HER computer and checking MB from there.

My daughter is a Stay at Home mom, but fortunately, she seldom even connects to the Internet. She doesn't even check her email which I wish she would!

It really is an addiction and now that I started this thread, I will be checking that much more often. EEK.

I am smiling at your AA analogy. I guess that is what this thread will be. Our MB recovery group. LOL.
I AM ADDICTED, I admit that. (I am standing up saying I am an MB alchololic.) ~smile~

Oh, and yes, I know about Flylady. LOVE HER TECHNIQUES.
I thought about saying we not only need to be dressed before doing and INTERNETING but with tie shoes on. Haha.
Did you have a shiny sink last night?
Oh my, I didn't, forgot about THAT RULE.

MARY

Here I am still bumbling around on the computer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Noone is up yet, but I have heard my H hit the snooze about 4 times now!

NO MY SINK IS FAR FROM SHINY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I envy your daughter not being sucked into this technology! As much as it has benefitted society in general, it has also lead to so much depravity because of ill use. It is destroying our youth generation. I for one will never allow my children their own computer. They will always have to use a family computer in a family area of the house.

I live all by my lonesome self 1000 miles away from my family. I was a pioneer girl 9 years ago when my H and I moved out of the generational family nest of MN. So I email my mom, sister and SIL a lot. So there is the email problem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then I am a research glutton. Any topic that I find interesting I will research to death on google. So there is the google problem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then I am a digital picture fanatic and am currently working on dvd picture presentations for both my dd's last day of school which I am in charge of, and also my moms upcoming 60th bday this summer. So there is the shutterfly/picture problem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then I care very deeply about a couple on MB right now that I want to encourage to stay the course and continue to fight for the healing of their M and I feel compelled to encourage them...that is good. But then I do tend to read other threads and get sucked in to the sadness. So there is the MB problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And now, Mary, there is you!! Durn you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Now there is the Mary thread problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sheeesh! No wonder my laundry isn't done! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alright, I am serious now...time to start my day! Have a good one!

Blessing,
Glad
--Michele

Dear Glad,
I love your posts, so please don't stop.
MB is my lifeline right now.
I learn and read so much every day (before work , in my lunch hour and after work)
I realise I am a newbie, but I so value what I have found here.
Regular and long term posters, PLEASE don't underestimate the impact you have had on my and thousands of others' lives with your pertinent, honest and caring posts.
Sure, live a litle, only go on once a week if need be. BUT it's the poeple like you with LONG TERM EXPERIENCE of the A world that give people like me hope (or despair - Kiwi J, why? why? why?)
A simple example is this recovery timeline of at least 2 years. No wonder WH and I felt a bit flat 9 months in, with partial NC and having only half attempetd a recovery. We were no where near. And then OW and he re-established contact. Duh, with hindsight we both could have seen that one from miles away. To know the timeline is daunting, but at least it's a bit more radical honesty that we both need to hear.
Thank you and don't give up.
NC is for affair partners not MB!
Kate xxx

Hi IWRA!

I know what you’re saying about MB discussion forums being addictive. So true!

I mostly read and post from work when I have time (I try to always finish off any incoming work first!). Now and then I read and post from home as well but not too often because my H and I don’t have a permanent Internet connection there. When we do go on the Internet we keep it as short as possible because we must use the telephone line to go on the Internet and it can become very expensive! We usually stay on for no longer than an half-an-hour or so.

Now…somewhere this year my H wants us to get a permanent 24-hour Internet connection at home and I’m dreading the day that is going to happen! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I’m already sort off addicted to the Internet at my work so I don’t want to get addicted at home as well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I will bookmark this thread in case I will need it some day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care,
Suzet

I took a break for about 5 months when I noticed that some folks were using this board to keep from doing anything--in other words, they would post their problem, and the "experts" on the site would weigh in with good advice, and the next day the person would post the same problem, or a worse version of the same problem, and would get the same good advice and ignore it again. I was thinking, "Alright, already! Just take the advice and ______ (Move to plan B, demand NC, etc.). If you don't like the advice, move on, or change the subject, don't keep asking, hoping folks will give you the rubber stamp to validate what you are doing. I was really amazed after taking my long break, to find some of the SAME FOLKS asking the SAME QUESTIONS. For me, that doesn't work, but I guess everyone is different. I'm probably ignoring some good advice myself, and keep looking for a thread that will give me a solution. I'll take note of how much time I spend here, though, since that is good advice, thanks IWRAlways.

I too am so grateful for the people on MB.

I too am addicted to the internet - and now to MB! I just hope that all the fantastic advice Ive gotten here will make my story one of the happy recovery ones.

zuj

Yep, this place is addictive. You come here searching for answers during the most troubled times of your life, and people reach back out of total anonimity to help you, to offer a virtual hug, support, and answers when it seems there are none to be found. We get caught up in one another's struggles, in each other's pain, and we get personally attached to a degree that is almost unhealthy.

Look at how gravely affected so many of us are when one of the "veterans" falls. We are sick to our stomachs, we trigger, we fret, we get angry but still want to offer support.

For some of us, MB is the only support network we have. I, personally, am thousands of miles away from my home, from my family, and from my dearest real-life friends. Yes, I'm a SAHM. I have four children, ranging in age from 16 years old to 15 months. If I let it, the internet and my "friendships" on MB would literally take up ALL of my waking time. In fact, at one point in time it did. While I was at myy worst emotionally, I relied so heavily on support I got from MBers (this was before my username change...I'm not as "newbie" as my number of posts would indicate) that the encouragement I got here was what got me out of bed in the morning. THAT, my friends, is depression. When I realized that, I woke up.

The suggestions given already are great ones, IRWA. It's hard to build a marriage and a family when you're tied to the internet. While I still don't have any real-life support other than my husband and children, I don't rely on MB for any more than part-time support. And in my house, the rule I've made for myself (FOR MYSELF!!! I don't place restrictions on my hubby, although I'd like for him to do likewise...but that's his decision) is that when hubby is home, the computer is off to me. No if's and's, or but's. My "alone" internet time is after my toddlers get up and have their juice and breakfast and are happily bee-bopping along to Dora the Explorer and Blue's Clues and during their afternoon time with a Disney movie after the older kids and I do the evening whole-house sweep before hubby comes home. But just as I wouldn't want my kids vegging out in front of the TV all day, I don't feel like having a computer screen image burned into my own retinas! LOL I have literally been in IM conversations when hubby walks in from work, and I've stopped mid-sentence and said that I had to go turn the computer off because he was home and he was my first priority. Took a LOT of work, a LOT of willpower, but it's not so bad anymore.

And my house is a lot cleaner now, because my kiddos don't get so much time every day to trash the house behind my back! LOL

The support and advice you can get here on MB is wonderful and life-changing. But I'd like to think that Dr. Harley would tell us each that our computer time and our MB board time shouldn't exceed the one-on-one time we have with our spouse! Add it up sometime...very sobering for those of us "addicted" to this board!

Well, GladToPressOn, since you are a young mom,
I would be OLD FASHIONED in my thinking since I turned 50 this year. EEK.

But for me, it is IMPORTANT, to have our homes picked up, (not necessarily TIDY) kids faces washed, supper ready and OURSELVES with hair fixed, (at least COMBED~LOL) makeup on and clean clothes. (Doesn't have to be a dress and an apron.) haha

bay_window_van, I agree, we do NOT need to do the NC on MB. Just perhaps limit our time some. (If we are spending too many hours here; I sure used to.)

Suzet*, oh yes, that will be much harder if you have Internet at home.
For those of us without children in our homes, a few hours reading MB is probably fine; that is IF it doesn't mess up our heads with other member's struggles.

In January, my husband started working from home on the computer.
So, that limits my Internet time which is a GOOD THING.
I get a lot more accomplished inside and outside
while he is on the computer doing his work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

imanotherone , I understand what you are saying. It can get frustrating for sure.
Did you also stop reading during that 5 months or did you just stop posting?

zuj, I see you have 3 little children. I too hope the MB principals help to restore your marriage. I also hope your computer time is not taking away from the valuable
time you need to spend caring for those dear ones in your care.

Mary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TreadingLightly, we were posting at nearly the same time and I almost missed your post.

What you said was valuable. It actually brought tears to my eyes, you were SO SINCERE. You sound like a BUSY MOM and that you have the INTERNET in YOUR CONTROL and it does NOT have control of you. That is wonderful and others will learn from what you have just written.
Nothing speaks louder than EXPERIENCE.

I feel empathy for you, being far from family, as my children and parents all live closeby. I am very fortunate.

I hope you go to church or school functions or something so you can meet up with some other moms to befriend.

Like they say: "To have a friend, be a friend".
I am sure, there are so many young moms in your area that would just LOVE to have YOU for their friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IWRA, I'm one of the select few who don't seem to "fit in" anywhere, more so by life choices. Bummer, but it's a sacrifice I make willingly. Yes, we do have people we meet up with at church, but unfortunately geography limits that to once a week.

The "young moms" in my area, well...most of them want someone they can identify with. I'm a military wife whose husband is three years away from retirement. Our babies were "second family". Our older kids are teens. I'm in my mid-30's, so most of my "peers" with toddlers are ten to fifteen years my junior. I am viewed as a dinosaur! LOL And with my teens' friends' parents, well, I'm just considered absolutely nuts for starting over when we were almost ready to have an empty nest!

But it's ok. MB just came up at the right time to be the exact support I needed *right then*. I've weaned myself from my extreme dependence on it and it's more of a tool than a crutch now.

Thank you, friend, for your kiind words. Now if you'll excuse me, Lilo and Stitch is over and my 15-month-old is smearing Cheetos in her sister's hair! Seems I need to add a bath to our afternoon full-house-sweep!

LOL!! Ok you guys sucked me in.

I think it is addictive because we are heard, validated and understood and there is always someone around when you need a friend. In RL, my friends are tired of hearing about WH, they don't know what to say. They feel for us but don't get it or what advice to give.

And we are in crisis when we come here... so there are bonds built.We try to absorb as much as possible to get a grip on the situation. When we are through the crisis we see someone else in our situation and we want to give back what was given to us.



LMAO!! I was addicted to Fly Lady before MB!!! Really helped with plan A. I am depending on my routines now to get me through the days.

Hi my name is C42 I am a BS with me shoes on, my sink shined, feather duster in hand and timer in my pocket. (if I were home and not at work)

Do you remember when they changed the format and the board was down for like a week (felt like a month!). Then with the new format nobody could stay logged on. They joked that the gross national product went up 3% during that time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yup, this place is addictive alright. MB was a godsend when I needed it most, and I made some nice friends here.

But many of those friends left and no longer post for a number of reasons... they've either recovered beyond the need to check in every day, or they decided to leave after being attacked in particularly inflammatory threads.

I am well into recovery now, and I think I keep coming here out of boredom at work and addiction to some of the stories shared here. Almost like a soap opera -- I was in college during the late 1970s and early 1980s when students were literally scheduling their classes around General Hospital so they could follow the Luke and Laura saga! Now I am wondering how certain posters are doing.

I really ought to spend less time here, though... sometimes it's just too darned depressing and nothing I say helps most people anyway.

TreadingLightly , I am sure there is a lady near you that would just
love to have you for a friend. You are a good, kind person, I can tell
that by the helpful way you write to other MB members.

You probably have enough INTERNET friends so some real life MOMS to share
with, would be just what you need. (I realize having teens and little
ones is a little different but age really doesn't matter in friendships.)

It is great you email your family. Perhaps to use less time on the computer,
do less google-ing. LOL

confused 42 I got a good chuckle out of this: "Hi my name is C42 I am a BS
with me shoes on, my sink shined, feather duster in hand and timer in my pocket.
(if I were home and not at work)"

I know what you mean about these message boards. In the beginning,
when we were desperately searching for help, this site was the answer.
So many others sharing similar struggles and then the visible HOPE of the
healing that would take place as time went on.

GBH, your post made me smile too when you said nothing you say helps people.
That is so not true. Sincere replies are what this MB needs more of.
Not just from the experienced members that have been here for years and
years and posted the same lines over and over. Nothing wrong with fresh
new thoughts.

Hmmmm, I started this thread about being addicted to MB.
EEK, I AM! I was on here more today then I have been for a long long time.

I am going to have to stop I think. (Or at least gradually come here less and less.)

GBH Since our marriages are healed and we are on the recovery road,
there is not much need to come here unless like you said because of boredom and
for 'soap opera entertainment'. That may be why I come here, out of habit and
for something to do besides watch TV.

But maybe that is wrong because these are real people and real problems.
I become attached to them and care about them as I am sure you do also.
It is sure good, though, to see marriages get back on track, isn't it?

EEK, my H just called down and asked if I was about finished on the computer.
It is 9:40 pm. I am doing what I said I should NOT do.
Addictions are difficult to break! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hi all,

Just wanted to report that I obviously respond well to forms of accountability because I had a pretty productive day yesterday in the home. I turned off the computer and got some things done around the house. When the computer is off I feel no pull. When it is on I feel pulled like a magnet!

So when my children were in quiet and naptime I turned back on for a while, then off again. Then back on a little later. Then, taking the advice of someone above, the second my H got home I turned it off for the night. It was great just hanging out with the family. My kids are so cute and my almost 14 month old is just really showing her personality lately.

Great evening, except for the traumatic American Idol vote-off!!!!!

Blessings today!
Glad

Good for you, Glad. That electromagnetic "pull" is more than we can handle at times, ya know? But you did GREAT! And I'm sure that even if he didn't mention it, your husband appreciated the gesture of getting your attenion instead of competing with the 'puter!

Woohooo!!!!

Yes, this place can be so addictive as with other forums. I was addicted to another forum for awhile, then I came over here to read and then I go back there....back and forth reading!

I challenged Mary (IWRA) one day last week to not look on MB for the entire day! Well, we both did well and made it to 7:30 PM! Not too bad eh? LOL...

How are we going to become Un-addicted??? Yesterday when I got home from work (I work part-time) I went straight to the computer to check a couple of threads...I was struggling to "want to" start dinner! I just can't do that anymore! It all can be so time consuming and before you know it an hour has passed and what have I accomplished?

Glad - It sounds like you have a great plan by shutting your computer off! I sit here at work at the computer all day and it's so very easy to just click on MB (or other forums) that I have saved in my favorites.

So, today I challenged myself to NOT look here until noon and I made it! And now it's 12:54 and I need to sign off!

Any others that work outside the home on a computer have some tips?