All,
In preparation for confronting my WH on Friday, I’ve tried to put together a “script” of sorts. Something to help me keep my thoughts together. I realize that much of this will probably not be of any help to me, but I hope this will help me somewhat.

Please “grade” it against the MB principles and let me know if I am unknowingly using any LB or hurting the situation any more than it already is. Also let me know if I am not saying anything I should be saying.

Any and all advice is priceless to me as it could help me to save my M.

Thanks to all of you!
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WH, this is very hard for me to say, however it must be addressed. In two simple words: I KNOW.

I know about you and OW. I know you are having an affair.

I know that the two of your have been sending each other suggestive text messages for the last two months.

I know that you call each other all hours of the day for extended conversations.

I know that you lied to me when you went on that business trip to Japan at the beginning of March. You told me you would be back on Sunday, March 12, but according to your passport, you left Japan on __________. I know you rented a convertible from Dollar Rent-A-Car at SFO and spent March 10 through 12 with her at a hotel in Jenner, CA.

I know that because you were so wrapped up in an affair with OW that you forgot your son’s birthday and delayed his science fair project another weekend. That choice was almost disastrous when you weren’t sure if you’d be able to complete his project in the last two days. You made her more important than your son.

I know that the time you have spent locked up on your laptop has increased drastically in the last two to three months – I assume you’ve been communicating with her.

I assume that Friday nights were really spent working late, but were instead spent with her.

Were you really with her that night you took your son home and told me you had to take drop your pager off at work?

Did you dare bring her into your son’s life that weekend you wouldn’t allow me to go camping with the two of you?

I’ve noticed you try to slip your wedding band on your finger without me noticing in the evenings after work. Is it hard for the two of you to have that sign of your promise and commitment to me on your finger when you are with her?

I know everything, WH, please don’t lie to me anymore, tell me the truth.

<Give it a moment to sink in – take a deep breath, stay calm>

I know, despite this, that you are still a good man with a good heart. I know you did not purposefully set out to hurt me in any way. However that does not make your decision right or justified and you have hurt me – I cannot begin to explain to you the pain I am feeling. Hopefully one day I will be able to share that with you, right now I cannot.

In spite of everything, I do still love you – very much in fact. I want the opportunity to fulfill your needs and to reconcile our marriage. I want the chance for both of us to be aware of and exceed each other’s needs. I want nothing more than to keep our family together and heal. Everything I do from here on out is with that in mind. I will not abandon you now or ever, despite my pain.

All of us have done things that we regret, we’ve all made mistakes. I can think of many times where I felt I didn’t deserve forgiveness, but was given it any way. Now I find myself in a position to offer you that same forgiveness and understanding. It IS possible for us to find healing and forgiveness and for our marriage to thrive once again.

As I thought about all of this, I found myself looking at my engagement ring and remembering the day you gave it to me. I remembered how you told me that it was almost perfect, but with a few flaws. I realized how much that ring is like us. I realized that just because the ring was flawed, I didn’t love it any less and I vowed to where it until the day I died. And now I look at you and realize that even with your flaw, this bad decision, I don’t love you any less and I vowed to be with you until the day I died. I intend to keep that promise.

However, for that to begin to happen, any and all contact with OW must end immediately. There is NO room for a third person in our marriage. Any further contact you have with her after this point will be like a small dagger in my heart – it will be like you are choosing to hurt me on purpose.

I hope you know that all of this comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away from you now? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and move on to better horizons? I can’t do that, because my heart can’t stop loving you, even through this.

Will you end this affair and try to work on reconciling our marriage?

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If he says yes:
• Explain how all contact with OW must end. No e-mails, text messages, phone calls, etc. Work with counselor and WH to come up with a plan to insure the success of NC.
• Write NC Letter and make sure it is dropped in the mail.
• Explain to WH that he must resign his position at company. I cannot handle knowing that he would be at work each day with her. He must separate from her completely and that means separating from his job.
• Move into plan A
• Help WH through withdrawal
• Start plan for reconciliation

If he says no or that he’s not sure:
• Stay calm
• Say: “I understand you feel that way right now.
• Do not argue, do not take any of what he says personally
• Move into plan to expose to work, family and friends

Wow. Are you an accountant or something? That's not a joke, you are just amazingly organized and prepared.

The one concern I have is that you may be revealing all of your methods of snooping away to him if you present it this way. You are telling him a lot about 'how' you found this stuff out. Keep some/most of these snoop techniques secret, because he will unlikely end this affair immediately. You'll want to still keep tabs on him without him knowing all your techniques.

I have to ask, how did his previous marriage end? Do you think it was an affair also?

I think that's a fantastic script, Tina. I saw only one place where you mentioned your source and that was the passport, but I think you should go ahead and leave it in because it'll serve a good purpose. It'll be a tiny piece of the "proof" he'll probably demand at some point. You can deny revealing all your other evidence.

The rule of thumb is to not reveal "how" you know; you just say that you know. The reason for not revealing, of course, is because you don't want him to "learn" from his security lapses and take the affair deep underground. A passport, which he'll have to show you if you demand it after every trip, isn't something he can do a darn thing about. He can't pretend to lose it or something. He’ll need it the next time he goes overseas.

Your use of dates and times, events, etc., to get the fact that you have him dead to rights is excellent.

Now...understand it isn't going to go down according to script. You'll do everything you can to keep your emotions in check, but they will intrude. Be ready to fight through that, okay? Also, he's going to interrupt with protests and denials right from the start. You'll have to deal with those and then go right back on message.

He may accuse you of violating his privacy. You spied on him. He can't trust you now. Invite him to violate your privacy. Offer to open up every aspect of your life for his inspection. Say people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing because there would be nothing obscene to find.

You've got a good handle on this, Tina. My thoughts will be with you Friday night.

One thing more, Tina. I don't know if OW is married or not. If she is, even if WH immediately agrees to NC, mails the letter, etc., OW's husband deserves the opportunity to address the problems in his marriage too. Exposure to him is a matter of ethics.

Hang in there.

I hope what I am about to ask you does not sound stupid or off topic but ~ do you have something like a xanax to take prior to this ?

Even though you have everything ready (and, great job), I am concerned about your emotions during this. Maybe actually saying all of this to him may really bring up strong feelings. While feeling these emotions is not totally a bad thing, at this particular time, you should try to remain as calm as you can.

I am just trying to make sure that you have covered everything. Yes, you've done an excellent job of gathering info. Just don't want you to forget about yourself !!

Sending my very best, carnation

"I will not abandon you now or ever, despite my pain."

I would change this. When I told my WH that, he took it to mean he could continue his affair and I would always be waiting.

Ha ha,

Actually no – not an accountant. I’m in advertising so I spend a large part of my time writing. I’ve got to juggle a million things all the time so that’s probably why it’s so organized.

How did WH’s previous marriage end? OK, keep in mind I’m going off of what WH told me, but I have no reason to believe he wasn’t telling me the truth at that time. WH was in the Navy when he and ex got married. Shortly after she got pregnant with my stepson, WH was sent back out on sea duty. Not wanting to have the baby alone, she came back to California to be close to her parents at that time. When WH got back on shore duty, he asked his ex to come back with the baby(he was stationed in VA at the time). She’d been without him long enough that she didn’t love him anymore and refused to come back to him. I believe this to be basically true, when I’ve been in her company and she’s made little comments about their marriage, it’s pretty much been the same. Plus knowing her, she’d be the first to tell me if he’d cheated on her. She and he still have a bitter relationship at times and she’s never had a problem bad mouthing him to me in the past. If he’d cheated on her, I’m sure she would have let that information drop at some time.

OW is not married, so I don’t have to worry about that.

I don’t mind the thought of medication coming up at all - I don’t have any medication to take, however I’ve considered several glasses of wine before hand &#61514; Just joking. It will be very hard, but I’ve been trying my best when I’ve felt emotions start getting to me to try and control them – kind of like practicing. I’ve stopped what I was doing, taken a very deep breath (or more deep breaths if necessary) and then kept trudging forward. So while I think I will be very emotional, I think I’m making good steps at keeping them in check.

Good point believer, I removed that one line.

It sounds to me like you will be fine.

I caught my WH in bed with the OW. That Sunday he had stood up in church and asked for prayers for our reconcilation. Later I went to Walmart, and decided to drive by where he lived to get the address. He was supposed to be working, but his truck and her car were parked together in front.

I knocked on the door, and his roommate let me in. He asked me who I was, and I told him I was WH's wife. I went up the stairs to his room, and knocked on the door. It was dark inside, and they were in bed. I told him "WH, I'm here to talk about reconciliation." Then I calmly left.

The only thing I thought about was coming home and telling everyone on MB the latest. I still can't believe I was that calm.

The only nice thing about it was his roommate asked him to move out. He was Jewish and was offended by WH's behavior.

Believer,
I can't imagine how you stayed calm. That must have been SO hard. Part of me is really glad I never actually caught them "in the act". I can't imagine how I would have reacted, could have been nasty.

It's just a good thing my MC led me to this site shortly before I found out about the A. You and all the other MB's that have taken me under their wing have helped me to stay grounded and focused. I feel confident but am scared all at the same time - the good thing is that I feel like I've got the right tools in my hand.

It is good you found us. I didn't find this site until 3 months after D-day. By that time, I'd thrown him out, and made all kinds of mistakes. Also, he continued to lie.

Go for it, girl!

WAT