Hi Everyone- it's me again. My husband had an EA in February, which was likely to become PA if I hadn't caught him. He's been totally humiliated and remourseful since I discovered- cries, says he never had feelings for her, loves me, bla, bla, bla. We're in plan A, however he has to work with her for 2 more mos. He claims he never sees her, except for 1 weekly meeting. He has asked her to e-mail all correspondance instead of "stopping in" his office. I have access to his e-mail, so I can check on a regular basis. We are doing OK, and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. The only problem is, I can't stop checking e-mails and looking for more evidence. I'm 75% sure he's told me everything, but everytime I see her name in his in-box my blood boils. I've surprised him at work a couple of times, and he acts like I'm crazy to think he would still be around her. Like it would be so hard to believe after all the betrayal? Anyway, I feel like we're doing better, but can this marriage truely recover if I'm ALWAYS checking up on him, always reading e-mails, popping in, demanding proof of his wherabouts? I really don't want to live like this. It's a huge waste of time, butI can't stop. He's in NYC on a conference right now, and every minute he's gone I'm wondering what he's up to. Any advice on how I can get through (OVER) this?? Can you go on not trusting forever?

jmjm, wouldn't it be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person? You will go on distrusting him until he EARNS trust again. PERIOD. You should be checking EVERYTHING because you know he is untrustworthy. It would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person.

And yes, you can trust him again some day. IF he works hard to EARN your trust. But that will take YEARS. That is what you sign on for when you decide to stay. It is part of recovery.

But you won't even be able to BEGIN to trust him again until contact with the OW ends. Until then, you should watch every move like HAWK.

jmjm,

Natural feelings with no preservatives added. That's what you've got. Pure and simple, you're going through the process. You're going to wonder, you're going to check e-mails and your blood is going to boil.

It'll help when he's done working with her.

Each day is made up of hundreds of steps. Hundreds of decisions. Many of them so routine that they're second nature. The point is, you have to do these steps to live day to day.

You have this vision of how you want your marriage to be, but the vision is soooooo small and soooooo blurry and soooooo far away. You gotta realize that you're not going to get the clear picture after only taking a few steps. But remember, with each step, you're a little closer, it's a little larger, a little clearer.

Do you notice how much your hair grows in 24 hours? (and I'm not talking about hair you shave either!) I don't. I can see a difference in a week or 2 weeks growth though. Don't spend all your time with a magnifying glass scrutinizing the growth of your hair. Wash it, brush it and get on with your day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes.

Thanks Drex & Melody. I guess I'll try to let time heal. I just don't like myself as a jealous, suspicious wife. I'm angry that H has turned me into the thing I most despise. I also fear that he is just a chronic cheater, and he will do it again. How do we fix it, really, if he keeps saying "I don't know why I did it?..." Shouldn't we try to figure that out? We went over the reasons in plan A, and he says "I guess it's a little of each". He's so vague, and saying/ doing whatever he thinks will shut me up. Maybe we need to get a counselor, so he can get a 3rd party's opinion and realize how important it is to be honest now, I feel like he really doesn't get that. I don't think he knows what "radical" honesty is or how to do it. He's so used to saying what I want to hear, that he has no idea how to communicate his own feelings. I don't know how to approach this subject without sounding angry or threatening. I feel like we should be talking about this stuff, but I think he tunes me out after the 1st few sentences...I'm just venting now. Maybe Men really are from Mars...

Do you hzve the Harley books, His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair? I would get those books and they should give you a good deal of information about how to repair your marriage. You should also check into counseling. Call around and try to find one who use Marriage Builders principles. Often you can find a good counselor through your church. My MC used MB principles and was just the very best.

I can relate to what you're going through. I discovered my wife in an EA headed for a PA a month ago tomorrow. The difference is my wife has had no remorse whatsoever. I was thinking it would be easier if she would be remorseful but reading what you're going through that probably wouldn't help much. I also hate what I have turned into, checking her emails, phone calls and whereabouts. I did discover that she is still communicating with him. She says she wants to work on things, but with the exception of one conversation regarding the affair right after I discovered it she refuses to address it and nothing has changed. I have been in counseling and she said she would consider it as well but not right now. I realize its only been a month, but I really feel like I'm being strung along.

Istahl, if you want to start your own thread, we could give you some feedback on your problem. I will just tell you that any hope of recovery is impossible until contact ends. She is not remorseful because she is still in the affair. Hope to see you on your own thread!

HI Istahl- don't give up hope yet. She's probably in denial that she did anything wrong. I know by the few conversations I've had with the OW that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with what she was doing. She definitely had feelings for my husband and would have gone ANYWHERE he wanted to take it. She has NOT come clean to her husband about the details, and it's b/c she's still in denial. She still thinks it's OK to meet and speak privately in my H's office, which it ABSOLUTELY is NOT. He finally made that clear to her just LAST WEEK. Make sure you spell out the guidelines to her VERY specifically as far as ending it. My husband found every loop hole to avoid cutting off all contact such as continuing to let her "pop in" his office to ask stupid questions, get things signed, etc. As long as the conversation was "professional", he convinced himself it was OK. I had to clarify the rules to him several times, like I do with my 3-year old. Anyway, good luck - Let me know how things go.

Here I am again. I don't think things could be any worse than they are now. May have to do with sleep deprivation. The less we see of eachother, the more I distrust him and resent him. He was at a conference Mon and Tes, I went out w/ friends for dinner last night, and he has some dinner tonight, and won't be home after work. He asked me to go to the dinner after a co-worker left a message that I heard about having an extra ticket...otherwise he never would have taken me...claims he "didn't know people were taking spouses"... Whatever. He's always gone to great lengths to keep me separated from his work life- I never realized how much until now. I don't think he'll ever change, and I'm feeling so trapped in this never changing marriage. Nothing he says correlates with his actions. Ever. How do we discuss this in a CALM manner?!?! I have no patience for being calm, particularly when our conversations are in passing 2 or 3 times a week, and I'm usually cut off by something "important" at work. I wonder if I will ever be a priority.

I went out w/ friends for dinner last night,

jm....

You can either look at that sentence..which is really your action....

and you can counter act it with example after example after example of things he did or didn't do...

or you can own that sentence...and see that your action of going to dinner with friends...is equal to his action....

if you want a marriage where you two spend evenings together when you are able to...then you must do EVERYTHING in your power to make sure on your end of things...you are dong what you can....to make it happen....

not the answer people want to hear...

but this place is all about starting with yourself and working outwards....

ARK

I understand what you're saying, ark, but I NEVER get out of this house, and right now I need interaction with my girlfriends as much as my husband. I literally probably haven't been out with friends in 6 mos, and I had this planned well before he sprung all of his stuff on me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but right now I'm taking care of myself and my mental health so that I can be a happy mom. He's always taken care of himself and gotten his nights out while I stay home playing devoted wife and mother. He has always wanted me to have "my own life" with my friends. Maybe I will appreciate him more, if I can get out and get some perspective once in a while. It may be easier when I start working again and get some respect in my career and from co-workers.

He's always taken care of himself and gotten his nights out while I stay home playing devoted wife and mother.

these are serious traps that married people have to acknowledge and think about...

what do you mean by staying home and PLAYING devoted wife and mother...

are you devoted wife and mother...or has it or is it becoming an act of resentment....

it is my experience that women sometimes give consent to things that inside they really aren't happy about and then stock pile them up...to be used when feeling overwhelmed...kind of like you feel now...

He has always wanted me to have "my own life" with my friends

so what stopped you...
what choices did you make to not make that happen...
and then
look at if you used your own choices to blame him for not getting out...

jmjm...
I am not trying to make this a tough post...on you..but only you are here...and we can't change him....but we can change you...

sometimes our attitude and our actions don't match up....
and we appear on the outside to be happy with the way things are while all along inside we are building up anger and resentment.....

which then comes out is a destructive way that diffuses from the issues...

are you two in counseling...

have you communicated with your husband wanting to spend time with him....

have you made special nights at home after the kids are asleep....

have you done what you can to make him feel like he wants to come home...

there's a bigger picture beyond the affair...the bigger picture of imagining what type of marriage you want...and how to get it....

I am concerned that you complain about not spending time with him and then make plans to go out without him

I am concerned that you are turning away from your marriage and looking for a new job to fullfill needs...

I am concerend that you are knee jerking your emotions...
detaching with anger and resentment rather than humility and cherishing...

I am concerned about you putting more emphasis on what you "need" from him....
remorse
change...
etc..
than focusing on you and him in YOUR plan A....

you do plan A by your self...you do it...
with a time line...and if you don't get changes and or a commitment to changes...then you free yourself....plan B\


this is marriageBUILDERS....

jmjm..I got three small ones....I hear the frustration..
I know the hard work....

but sooo much of this is in YOUR own attitude...whether things are a labor of love or resentment...

very murky waters for sure...

ARK

Hi Everyone- well, much more has "come out" since last time I posted. It's all still too painful for me to even get into the detatils, but he's been lying to me about an internet "habit" for six years. This habit is what has destroyed our intimacy and it's the missing link to all of our problems. I wish I could say he came forward with it after I caught him in the emotional affair, but alas, I had to CATCH him AGAIN. My guard was up after the EA, so I had to re-evaluate all the promises he'd made to me in the past. It turns out he went back to everything he promised to stop 6 years ago. The EA was just him "branching out" to an internet relationship with a real live person, who he saw every day. I don't believe anything he says and never will. But, I still love him, God Help Me!! I think he has a problem...an addiction, and since I've caught him, he's admitted to it, and scheduled counseling. I'm almost relieved that he has finally admitted this weakness to me and quit trying to pretend everything's OK. But, on the other hand I'm so angry for all the lies...I wish someone could convince me it will never happen again. I wish to GOD I could believe him. Am I just wasting my time on him? My instinct is to RUN and protect myself and my family. But, a part of me is worried about him, particularly b/c he is the father of my children, and I need him to get help, and I want to help him. ANyone have any advice? HELP!!