It's been about 9 months since DDay. My FWW and I are having a slow recovery. We seem to have gotten stuck in a loop that we can't seem to break away from:

1) something triggers a sad thought in me
2) I get quiet; I desperately want attention from my wife
3) Wife gets annoyed and irritated because she resents that my happiness depends so much on her actions
4) My sadness turns to anger because she seems to show no empathy
5) We argue
6) We make up and promise to change
7) 2 to 4 days of peace
8) Repeat

According to our MC, I need to work on step 2 and my wife needs to work on step 3. My wife feels she doesn't have to deal with step 3 if I could just nip it on the bud on step 2. She does have a point in that most of our problems stem from my sadness... and when I'm not sad, things are usually very good. I just wish she'd help pick me up when I'm down.

You mean most of your problems stem from the fact that you were traumatized by her affair. You are SUPPOSED to feel sad when you are HARMED. That is the natural consequence of such a traumatic betrayal. It is as traumatic as the death of a child. You don't just "get over it."

What you are going through is called RECOVERY. This is what happens when one is traumatized. It can take anywhere from 18 months to 2 years to recover.

You are probably at the toughest point of recovery, where the relief of saving your marriage wears off and the anger comes out. It is often the climax of recovery.

Most of your problems stem from HER AFFAIR, my friend. Your "sadness" is simply the DIRECT RESULT of her affair. Please make this clear to her.

Nickatnite-I feel very much the same as you do. We cannot break the cycle, although our cycle is somewhat different. I've actually given up on MC...I think it's wasting our money. We've probably spent over $5,000 on MC during our M, and look where it got us? I understand what Melody says about this being part of Recovery, but I don't see any progress, other than the end of the A. The relationship, the marriage, are still on the rocks. Hope you are able to figure out a solution...and if you do, please let me know!

imanotherone, what is going on with nick IS progress. It is all part of recovery. It is all part of the various stages of grief that one goes through in order to recover. That IS the solution.

What he described defined our first 12 months of recovery. There were continuous cycles where I would build up, explode, peace, then all over again. The worst period was the 8-9 month mark. After that the cycles became farther and farther apart. Around the 18 month mark a good friend said to me "Mel, now you are just LOOKING for grievances." That was correct but I needed that 2x4.

It was time for me to STOP looking for grievances and start looking for the GOOD in my marriage. Once I started doing this, the sadness started lifting and our marriage kept getting better and better every month.

However, the first 18 months of grieving was NECESSARY to get to this point. So, please don't think that sadness is a sign of not recovering. IT IS RECOVERY. A necessary part.

Just evaluate where you are from where you were and where you hope to be.

When you started what was the duration of step 7? Three months ago what was the duration of step 7? Hopefully the duration of step 7 is getting longer. Maybe in 3 months it will be every 3 to 6 days. If thats the case things are getting better right?

As far as step 1 and 2 are concerned it happens to me as well. The question I alwasy get is "whats the matter"? She knows what the matter is.

As far as your happiness depending on her that doesn't have to be the case. My happiness in my life is dependant on me. My happiness within the context of my marriage depends on her. Thats a hard seperation to make. That is the main reason to work on yourself.

Step 6 question. What are you working on and promising to change.

My cycle is exactly like your cycle. What keeps me looping is the fact that my FWW makes promises to work harder and I don't see it happening. It seems as like she wants to "forgive and forget". I want more. I want to see her make the effort to rebuild our marriage that she made to be with the OM.

I posted earlier asking what should a BS expect. Maybe I will get an answer that might help you as well.

Nicky,

Early on, here in the halls of MB, I was told how unattractive a blubbering,sobbing, whimpering BS was to the wayward one. So I sucked it up and tried my darndest not to be sad around her.

Now, sad away from her still hits me every once and a while but around her, she sees nada.

Also I sometimes was reveling in my sadness and misery. Does that sound familiar?

""3) Wife gets annoyed and irritated because she resents that my happiness depends so much on her actions""

Could it be that your sadness brings up her guilt and shame because of the A and she lashes out in irritation?

On another thread (KiwiJ's) it was brought up that there is such a huge gap between what the BS and WS feel.

The WS have NO FREAKIN' CLUE what the BS feels. They can't empathize, nor do they probably want to. They want it to go away, so things can get back to the way they were...WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!!. I doubt if they even realize this. Probably down deep in their heart of hearts they do.

So anyway work on #2 like MC says...and cheer up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

""I just wish she'd help pick me up when I'm down."" Probably should wish for world peace and there not be any news on Brad and Angelina for a week while your at it.

Counting on your W for your happiness?? HMMmmmm...I think there was a large thread on this topic too.

There is a book called "Passionate Marriage" that speaks to this topic.

You become the strong one.

k

nick-

I'm a year in and I get sad or pissed off at least once a day.

It's like being in a new marriage- your old one is gone now and you can't have it back. Your FWW doesn't want to talk about it because she is probably ashamed of her actions and doesn't want to be reminded of them. My FWW is like that. She will talk but she really just wants to move on. It's hard for them to understand it.

I'm just sucking it up and enjoying the moments when I don't think of the affair. It always creeps back in, but I can enjoy the time it's not on my mind at all.

Maybe try talking to someone else, like a friend (free!) or stay on the boards with the rest of us jilted spouses.

Thanks for reading my thread.

There is one thing in my cycle that seems to be a persistent pattern as well. So since we have so much in common let me ask you this.

My FWW promises but doesn't really deliver. That is where the cylce restarts. That could be step one for me actually. Maybe I am expecting too much.

Consider the EXTXEMELY small things. Does she really not deliver or is the package very, very small? There is a HUGE difference.

My guess is that the package is extremely small and my hope for you is that the packages get larger as time goes on.

This is one of the hardest things for me...the extremely small deliveries from FWW. It is a very long process to get from point Affair to point Awesome.

Give credit for the small things if there is credit due. Don't expect huge leaps forward either, they rarely come so early on.

You will find many folks on these boards that will tell you that this is a marathon so pace yourself. This advice was one thing that helped keep me sane.

9-months post DDay is in reality is hardly any time at all. I am DDay+19 months and still occasinally find myself if the cycle you described above.

Just keep doing your part to make a better marriage and the rest will come in time as long as your FWW is willing to make positive movements of any size.

Dude,

"" Maybe I am expecting too much.""

BINGO!!

green and krush

I want to let you know it was not nick that posted the question about expecting too much. It was me. I was asking him that question. LOL.

Thanks for the answer though.

I have seen the small packages but I don't want to take over his thread. He needs the advice on his situation.

I just didn't want this to become about me not him.

My wife promises to deliver too. And she does... for a day... 2 tops. It's either on or off for her... nothing in the middle. When she is trying our time together is fantastic. I am so in love at those moments. But it's like she wakes up one day decides to quit trying. There is no rhyme or reason as to why. I give her all the admiration and praise when she is doing well. She just seems to run out of steam. That's when i'm prone to falling into step #1.

Are we expecting too much? I don't think so. I think we expect what we give. I sometimes wonder if I give too much, which in turn raises the bar for her.

Nick,

Your MC wants you to work on this part of your recovery? Has your MC given you an exercise or method to work on that helps you "work " on numnber 2? Also, what is it that makes you sad and causes you to want attenton from your wife?

Much like krusht posted people tell you to be the appealing mate, Dr Harley also explains to make yourself more attractive for S to be with. While in the meantime it seems that your heart is hurting.

However not a lot is said about how to deal with the sadness that certain things trigger. It is kind of like you have to find your nitch, the thing that helps you hold on during these times. Knowing what in you is hurting, where it is coming from has helped me and I've found it was the thoughts that I was circling around in my head.

Maybe as guys we know a good value and are bargain shoppers sometimes. We don't want to overpay for what we are getting.

I know I have told my wife sometimes that I want equal value. She is fine with me doing more for her but not vice versa.

I came home from work last night, took care of the kids, did the dishes, ironed the clothes, put the kids to bed all while she was at an AA meeting.

I don't want a pat on the back for that or points for that or deposits into the LB for that. But it seems like she does when she does those things.

I see the little deliveries she makes but they are all little and unfortunately since the A she has done some pretty messed up things.

Arghh. I am ranting. I am kinda aggravated to day. Posted another question and it always seems like I am doing something wrong. LOL. So I am taking your side on this.