I've been reading posts here for sometime now but just didn't have the heart to post yet. I'm a BS and now trying to recover from my H's affair. We've been married for 16 years with three kids. I found out about the OW in Feb.2005. H asked about where we stood in our relationship. I was surprised because I didn't think we had a problem. He told me he felt unattended and accused me of "entertaining" someone else. I told him I wasn’t seeing anybody and that I was just busy in school (i'll be graduating from nursing school in 3 weeks). In my gut, I knew that something was wrong and felt that he wasn't giving me the whole story. By the end of the evening, he finally admitted that he's been talking to someone about his feelings. I asked him how he felt about this person and told me that she was just a friend. A week later, he told me that he did have feelings for her and vice versa but there was nothing going on between them. I was devastated. Nonetheless, I told him that I will try my best to give him the attention he needed and work on our marriage. He agreed to stop talking to her and I believed it. I was so stupid to buy into the "it's your fault, that's why this is happening". My husband is a wonderful person and it was a total shock for me that he could do something like this. But unfortunately, the OW bacame his addiction.
In March, I found out from his bank statement that he sent her flowers for Valentine ’s Day. He purchased this online and I read his message which contained the word “I love you”. He said sorry and was even tearful and promised that he would stop talking to her. I gave him another chance until the next month where I found out messages in his cellphone. I told him I want to let him go but he wouldn't leave. Again, very apologetic and again I bought into it because I really didn't want our marriage to end because I was still in love with him and I didn't want my children to suffer.
I finally stopped questioning him about his weird actions; biking during rain and at night, going to work on weekends, coming home late, keeping his cellphone and wallet in different places. I couldn't really do anything about it because I was busy in school and pregnant (unplanned) at the same time. I was in denial too because the OW lived 300 miles away.
Finally on Christmas day 2005, he accessed his email and left it open. I found everything in it; messages that proved they did not stop the affair and messages confirming details that they have been physically intimate. I found so many pictures of them from beautiful places. I even found pictures OW sent him from her webcam that were too nasty to say. We had a heart to heart talk and he cried that he had put me through this pain. I told him that this time, it's his call and that I want him to choose now because I don't want to be deceived anymore and would rather lose him than to continue all this. He did choose us because we’re still together. He also told me that he had a revelation after watching a Christian station where there was a story of a woman having an affair. He said her story opened his eyes to the pain he has caused me.
Here’s my dilemma. Everytime I try to get close to him, all I see in my mind are the pictures I’ve seen. The pain keeps on resurfacing even if I try to repress it. I couldn’t trust him anymore either. Everytime he goes somewhere I automatically think that he’s trying to call her. I know that they did end the relationship but how am I suppose to know if they resumed it? How can I be sure if he has lied to me so many times. I do know that they still talk to each other. I just couldn’t understand why he will not cut the ties altogether. I couldn’t ask him why though because he will just lie to me and tell me that they don’t talk anymore. I’m actually getting frustrated about this and I know that I don’t love him anymore the way I used to. I actually feel some hate towards him and I’m afraid that my anger will eat me up. I am so stressed and I just don’t know what to do. A part of me wants out of the marriage but the other part wants to stay. I’m torn and I don’t know if there’s still hope for us. Sorry this is so long but I just don’t have anyone else to turn to. Can somebody help?
