Where are people getting the idea that upon D-day that their WS will magically be reformed and COMMIT to and TALK about reconcilliation....



why are BS going in to futile conversations ?
why are BS thinking that PLAN A has anything to do with a WS.....?

BS should be very afraid of any type of WS that instantly agrees to "fixing" everything...that's a fear based decision apt to back fire or contain too many false assumptions...

Plan A is all about the true ending of an affair....

not a knee jerk reaction

bite your tongue BS everytime you plan on asking your WS to commit to reconcilliation,...working on the marriage...fixing anything....

bite your tongue...in the end it will be less painful than empty words and falseness....


whooo I feel a little better now....

ARK^^

(playing devils advocate)

Sooo, I BS is supposed to blow sunshine up WSs [censored] and wait for WS to "come around" to the right way of thinking?

BS go into futile conversations because they feel like they're owed. To a BS, it's entitlement, really. "You did this to me, now you've got to pay for it by making up with me and making it better." or "How could you do this to me and NOT want to make it better?"


Ark, are you suggesting they replace the habit of trying to get WS to commit to reconsile with another, perhaps more productive, behavior? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OMG Drex! I'm laughing... out loud... seriously. What a great line!!!

How do you do that, exactly? With a straw? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LMAO.

(Okay, I'm done. I know this isn't funny, but that line just struck my funny bone)

::

I agree Ark...

Or how about "we are doing Plan A".............HUH?? There is no "WE" in Plan A.

Or how about "I am in NC with WH".............that is Plan B. No contact is for the affair partners.

I wish we had some stats.

Like:
10% give up the affair immediately and completely on D-day.
15% give up the affair with exposure.
25% cake-eat as long as the BS allows it.
10% cake-eat until Plan B.
10% leave for the OP, but return.
10% leave for the OP, return, but its false recovery.
10% never return to the marriage.
10% are serial cheaters.

See, Lexxxy. That's what we need. Some computer whiz to plug in all the A statistics from everywhere and see what's what. Some of the stuff I've seen on here might melt a few hard drives and processors though.

Ark, I know a couple of individuals whose WS's actually did agree to straighten up and fly right (and did) when initially confronted to end the affair and return to the fold. I think it happens just often enough to require considering the possibility.

Lexxy, I'd suggest it happens less than 1% of the time rather than 10%, but I don't have a clue how you'd ever find any hard stats on it. Most of the couples where it happens would never mention the thing to anyone.

Ark, your question about Plan A is one that perplexes me too. It's a time for the BS to work on him or herself. That it serves to attract the WS back to the BS is almost incidental, a byproduct only. In many respects, Plan A is there to set up Plan B. I’ve even heard Dr. Harley mentioned on his radio broadcast a couple of weeks ago Plan B is required in roughly 85% of the couples in his practice.

longhorn..
I agree that there are those WS so disgusted by their own behavior that D-day is all that is needed....

but there appear to be more wafflers....flippers....and word twisters going on here....than those type of WS...

too many BS saying...

should I plan A ..if he/she doesn't want to...??!!!
I'm in Plan A and there is STILL contact??!!!!!

I've been in plan A for two days and have seen no results...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />ARK^^

As I type, my baby is in a pretty suntop in our front garden tidying away winter weeds in the sunshine. We're going to lunch in a while. I am hapy to say its an act of will nowadays to recall the spiteful harridan she was almost two years ago.

Reconciliation was the very last thing on Squid smind on D-day. She was a toxic, spitting thing, vicious to me, our kids and anyone else in the way of her entitlement.

I stood as if in a gale blowing off a midden - disgusted but spellbound for a short while.

I was convinced that I may as well Plan A because I had no other plan. I detached emotionally fom her chaos and I tried out new stuff to make me all I could be. After a while I realised that the BEST me was the me that had been there anyway, but who had not been out and about recently. Afyer some reprioritising and some deliberation, I made me into teh best bob I could be at that time. This worked because I helped my self esteem enormously. It also helped me be a great dad to my kids at a dreadful time for them.

Interestingly Squid told me afterwards that plan A confused the GRAVY out of her, and angered her.

I had smashed every single point of rationalisation she had how she deserved an affair because of my failings and this made her angry and scared. It also amazed her that I could be so calm-seeming and rational in the face of her cartoon spite.

FInally she was scared that she might have thrown away any chance of ever enjoying 'me' again.

All this, when I had HONESTLY no hope that plan A might affect her positively. I am STILL largely based on that plan A review of myself back then. I reprioritised some things , added a few filters and removed a few too. What I am now is basically a DELIBERATE Bob.

It took 3 months and brave exposure to end Squids affair, and then I continued not with plan A but with my plan a leson slearned for maybe four months after that before Squid embraced the new me, and trusted that It wasn't a trick from me.

I don't LOVE being deliberate Bob all the time, but it worked THEN and it works now. My life is unrecognisably better than even right before Squid's afair, and so is hers.

So I utterly agree with Ark. Plan A is not something WS participate in, not is it a marrigebuilding 'ray' that is pointed at the WS by the BS. Its a way to ensure that your WS cannot rationalie away the reasons why they once loved teh BS and probably still do WHILE restoring confidence and refining the BS for the road ahead. Its BY BS FOR BS, its a by-product that the WS may respond to it IME.

detaching round here is a slippery slope..or in reality a dangerous motion in any marriage...

It is very important to detach from certain behaviors of a WS or a spouse...

BUT it is also necessary to replace those icky behaviors that you are detaching from with other thoughts and things to focus on that you can cherish...

just detaching without re-plugging those connections back in to something of value...creates an environment of withdrawal and isolation...

it infact undermines a BS plan A...cause it focuses on the "bad" actions...without searching for and heaping praise on the "good' actions...

detaching can feed in to the WS full running guilt machine
detaching can undermine plan B as well as it uses up the reserve of love needed

detaching can be viewed as the WS as NOT caring...

be wary out there of detaching...

find the behaviors and choices that you need to protect yourself from and do so..but seek out other 'good' things to remember and focus on...

ARK

This has been the hardest for me to attain. A sense of calm and priority in the midst of the 'great fog'. You have a very keen perception on this. I'm trying to Plan A without full detachment, I am working on the ME. H is responsive when I am contented, not full of malice and rage, approachable, so it makes sense to detach to some extent. Full detachment lends to excuses,though, like 'well I'm being ignored and pushed out of their life, so why am I here?' yknow that kind of rhetoric that feeds their leaving mechanisms. My H mentioned life being a 'balance' that he has not had, I'm trying to do that here, and hope that he can hop on the beam with me in time, when he sees that it can be done.

Awhhh, come on Ark....you know where they (BS) get the idea? It's important from that river: De'Nial. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Now after they get a taste of that bitter water and realize denial just makes matter worse, at least most of da' ones who end up here survive. With their WITs and MB, they survive.

Plans A & B, MB books, tools, this forum, etc. , we learn to survive and often Kick Butt!. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.