I think that some of the reason that I have had such a rough time with plan A is that I kept thinking I was in recovery. I'm sure that many of you have had the same experience. How about if we list some of the signs of False Recovery so other won't be fooled like I was.

Loni

Loni,

Recovery occurs with a flawed but motivated spouse....false recovery is with an unrepentant and inconsistent one.

signs of false recovery:

*WS wants things to just be "over" and is no longer interested in revealing the truth or answering questions.

*Accountability disappears. In the beginning to keep the peace, they may be willing to open their lives....but don't understand the long term implications of secrecy and independence.

*WS thinks counseling is a waste of time.

*Resentment on both sides becomes a huge issue.

*Both partners slide back into old destructive habits.

*Nothing changes....except the level of trust....so the same vulnerable marriage exists.

*Withdrawal and lack of time together eats away at connectivity.

*Unexplained anger and frustration.

*Boredom and sullenness.

*WS doesn't re-engage in the family and marriage.

*Recreational time is spent elsewhere

*Re-contact occurs....or secrecy creates in environment that makes it more likely.

*Financial matters and work hours remain murky and unchanged.

*Other telltale behavior and red flags that were present before the affair are still a problem.

*Justification of affair.

*Blame.

*Guilt.

*BS is stuck in grief or anger.

*BS can't stop bringing up affair, or punishing the WS.

*Complacency.

*Denial.

I'll let others add more.

((( Starfish )))

Excellent post !!!



carnation

Wow, I'm trying to find more to add.

For me it was a gut feeling that things still weren't right.

It was the lack of remorse, the feeling FWH just wanted me to "get over it".

He was mired in his guilt and shame and his cycle was continuing (guilt-release from guilt through seeking OW-more guilt-release...etc.)

How else did I know?

Defensiveness.

Lack of cooperation or working on a plan.

No goals were discussed because we were stuck in the here and now, the crisis.

I guess that is the biggest thing, feeling like we were still in crisis, I couldn't relax. My guard was CONSTANTLY up.

Loni:

Did you ever establish that there has EVER been ANY NC with the OW?

First, there needs to be a NC Letter and your H's stated and sincere commitment to begin Recovery.

False Recovery for me started after the above..but I'm unclear whether or not you ever reached the point where he had NC.

Steve Harley told me to ASSUME that there is contact unless you have EVIDENCE that there is not. That would mean total and complete access to your H at all times...which I maintain to this day...almost 3 years into a TRUE RECOVERY.

Loni,

Interesting idea for a thread.

You know... maybe it would be helpful to start with a definition of "false recovery". I see the term thrown around a lot, and always wanted to ask how it's defined, but didn't want to threadjack just to ask that question.

I mean...

--Is it when the WS takes the affair deeper underground while "pretending" to work on the marriage?

--When one of the S's refuses to do the work (like many of the examples Star pointed out)?

--Does it imply -- through the word "false" -- that one of the spouses was faking it the whole time?

I guess that last one is what bothers me about the term. It seems to imply some level of deception or something... and yet... aren't their honest, sincere attempts at recovery that simply don't work out?

--SC

Liked the list...Had lots of those for the first two months. Especially the "just get over it" talk, recontact, and lack of willingness to work on the marriage.

Now I like that I don't recognize any of those things going on in my marraige at the moment!

sc,

I think "false" in this case means "not true" for whatever reason. Sometimes, that reason is dishonesty, but as you point out...even honest attempts often fall short. It looks like recovery because the affair is over, but it isn't really recovery because the marriage doesn't heal and the spouses don't reconnect.

A false recovery is false because either the contact with the OP never really ended, or because it ended and then resumed.

NC = the beginning of recovery

C = the catalyst for all the above warning signs

The difference between true and false recovery becomes very apparent once you have seen both.

Great list, star*fish.

I don't consider MP and myself in recovery yet because NC has not yet been established to my level of satisifaction (i.e., NO contact, of any sort).

KiwiJ's recent thread, and Mortarman's recent events have both had a profound negative effect on me (as well as many other BS's here). It's shown me just how fragile marriages can be, even when effort is put in by one or both parties.

On the plus side, only 5 of your 20 some items apply to my situation (as far as I know). So I guess I can consider that as progress, of a sort.

Not knowing if the recovery is genuine or not is a crappy spot to be in. It's very much a limbo (at least from my perspective), and it makes personal recovery and healing really, really hard.

To go down the road of recovery only to find at the end that it wasn't a real recovery at all...in some ways I think that would be worse than the original betrayal.

What do you do if you're in a false recovery? Pull the plug? Or ride it all the way down hoping you can reestablish control?

Resentment and anger are my personal burdens in this. I can see how resentment and anger on the BS part can impede or even torpedo a recovery, but how does the BS overcome that? Especially when the WS shows no real concern for the pain they've caused? Smile and nod just doesn't cut it for me...

False recovery....every BS's worst nightmare. Even when you see it coming, you can't always dodge it...

nsyn,

Recontact was never an issue in my false recover....failure to have a recovery plan and stick to it....was a HUGE issue. False recovery lacks "follow-through"....follow-through on accountability, no contact, time, protection, energy etc....ANY of those issues. You stay together, but you don't get better. You have what you thought you wanted....and it doesn't seem so great. You're happy you're still together....but you're still unhappy in the marriage.

The cause can be lots of things ranging from resumed contact on the side of the WS....or even inability to forgive by the BS. For whatever reason....you what looked at first like recovery was really just a false start and the real work is still ahead.

Thanks for the input.

I agree that 'false' means that the WS isn't staying away from the OP. Refusal to commit. Refusal to do anything that the BS requests to improve the m.

I am hoping to help others discern real from false when it comes to recovery.

Loni

I've seen a number of new posters here say things like, "Well, D-Day was last week, so we're in Recovery now."

No No No!

Just because you know about the affair does NOT mean you are in Recovery.

Recovery = the WS has become a FWS by willingly doing whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to repair the damage done by their affair.

False Recovery = the WS says they still want the marriage, but there is no sign of remorse and little or no action taken to repair the damage done by the affair.

I think "no sign of remorse" is the #1 indicator of a false recovery.
Mulan

broken bird,

Yes, I'm sure Kiwi and Mortarman's situations have triggered alot of fear in BSs. So sorry chere.

What do you do if you're in a false recovery? Pull the plug? Or ride it all the way down hoping you can reestablish control?

Hmmmmm....none of the above IMO LOL. When you realize you're in false recovery, you have to backtrack....and it's painful....almost like another D-day. Revisit your recovery plan. Resume or start counseling with someone like the Harleys. Get closure on issues that aren't closed. Start adhering strictly to the 15 hours of undivided attention. Start making new, unsullied memories together. Jettison resentment and do meditatative healing.

In short....be PROACTIVE, DON'T SETTLE!...when you really feel like curling up into a ball. It's hard, and unfortunately....it's usually the BS who has to intiate it.

Resentment and anger are my personal burdens in this. I can see how resentment and anger on the BS part can impede or even torpedo a recovery, but how does the BS overcome that? Especially when the WS shows no real concern for the pain they've caused? Smile and nod just doesn't cut it for me...

No chere. Why would you stay with someone who shows no real concern for the pain they've caused? No wonder you feel those things....by why would you settle for someone who isn't really willing to do the hard work to recover your marriage.

Fear. That's the answer. Conquer fear and you can make it to real recovery....whether that's marriage recovery or self recovery....either one is better than where you are now.

All of the above...

Then there are the other signs like:
-Being distant.
-Finding fault in little things.
-Being more critical than normal. Picking fights.
-Missing in action/disappearing....not answering their cell phone for more than an hour at a time...or not returning a call as soon as they know they've missed it.
-Being late from work and maybe not even calling to let you know.
-Drinking (alcohol) more than normal.
-Taking showers when they normally wouldn't.
-Telling you they were somewhere by themselves that is out of character for them.
-Making you think you are crazy for questioning them.
-Not going to bed at the same time...when it is out of the ordinary.
-Not engaging. Not being 'all there', or really with you.

So, starfish, is "false recovery" a term Harley coined... or one that was made up here on the board? (Sorry, I haven't read the books, just the web site).

sc,

To my knowledge, the term "false recovery" does not appear in Harley's books. It is most likely....a term that has been spawned by the need to describe the "stalling" or "plateau" that so many folks find themselves on after the madness of D-day, withdrawal and pain that so many many spouses recovering from infidelity experience. I have no idea whether there is some clean, published...true definition of "false recovery"....but ya know....the "mothership" doesn't appear in the Harley literature either LOL!! And we ALL know it's there!!!! False recovery is not the heartbreaking time that discovery is....but it's so damned demoralizing and creates incredible hopelessness. It really does help I think for people to understand that you don't have to stay there.

This is going to sound really awful probably....but you know what? During my own false recovery....I had lots of fantasies about H dying in a car accident, sinking in boat, going down in a plane etc....collecting lots of life insurance and never having to worry again about him cheating or being a good husband. sad but true.

OK so I tested the waters a couple hours ago and definitely scored a few for false recovery. We're fairly new to this. There has been NC since Friday. Yesterday WW agreed to leave the job that she met OM on.

Saw this thread and decided to see where her head was at. I got several classics -

"This seems to be all about you again."
"I just want you to get over it."
"Yes I think the A was partly your fault."
"What else was I supposed to do? You weren't meeting my needs."
"Why do we have to talk about this now? Why can't it wait for Larry (the MC)?"
"What do you WANT from me?"
"You didn't CARE that I was doing this! You wouldn't have noticed anything! If I had gained wait, cut my hair! You weren't paying attention."
"I already told you I wa sorry."
"I'm furious at you right now."
"OK now YOU'RE mad."

Blame, justification, avoidace. A lot of telling me what I was thinking then and what I'm thinking now. I didn't do the best job with reverse babble but I did OK. Yes I was angry and ended up walking away.

So can anyone help with talk back to these statements? And can anyone tell me what to do NOW?? So we're in false recovery. Now what?

MDC -

If you just established NC on Friday, then you're very, very, very early in recovery (in my extremely not expert opinion). Looking at your brief bio, you didn't recover from the first A, and your wife may be going through withdrawal - I wouldn't label something that is so young as a "false" recovery yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

For some good reverse babble, check out Orchid's thread here

I wish you and your wife best of luck.

Orchid: Gonna give it a shot, ok?


Orchid: Yes and it's about time.


Orchid: I will but it w/b a while after you get over it.


Orchid: Partly? U must be feeling better. Come back when you can really see where the fault lies.


Orchid: Excuse me? That's a scary thought. Is that what you do when you don't get your way with everybody and everything?


Orchid: Well for 1 reason, because I choose to.


Orchid: (Now this one you get to NOT reverse babble....use this opportunity to tell her what you require, not just what you want).


Orchid: I care, do you?


Orchid: Really? I need to hear it again...this time with feeling and mean it.


Orchid: Why?


Orchid: (if you are mad at her, agree.....if you aren't say no and walk away).


Orchid: How'd I do? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />