I’ve exposed to everyone except my W’s work and I’m really struggling with that decision (A was with co-worker and she refuses to quit). I think she might be fired if I do that, which would meet my need for NC, but the cost may be too great. It would eliminate the possibility of her working at the company ever again, even if things don’t work out for us. My wife is a professional with 10 years invested in the company, which is a very important company in her field. I am not looking for that sort of retribution, just NC. If I can get her to leave on her own terms, it leaves open the possibility of her returning there if the marriage falls apart. Also, I worry about her ability to get references and I would want her to have good earning potential if we split.

So what about using the threat of exposure? If I tell her I am thinking of exposing to her work, it might be enough to make her leave on her own. She really has no ability to prevent me from exposing later or minimizing the damage by knowing my plan. The company will pull her email and chat logs if I expose and I doubt there is any way she would be able to prevent that from happening. Has anyone used this technique successfully?

You care more about her job than your marriage? That is exactly what it sounds like here.

No, you DO NOT tell her- she'll weave a story that will make you look like a jealous psycho.

YOU EXPOSE TO THE WORK PLACE

so, what if she gets fired and can't work there again? Do you know believe there should be consequences for actions?

That will be one of hers.

EXPOSE to the work place

Do it or don't....but threats are just manipulation....they aren't honest and what you both need is honesty at this point. I'll tell you what you CAN do if you just can't bring yourself to expose at work....you can stop letting her have all the power. Why would you stay with someone who isn't any more serious about protecting your feelings or working on your marriage....that she'd continue working with her affair partner???? Go to plan B. Make changing jobs one of the conditions for reconciliation. Conquer your fear of losing her....or you will lose her.

Couple of thoughts:
First, never threaten something you don't fully intend to do if your demands are not met.
Second: MB experts can correct me if I'm wrong, but exposure should not be discussed with the WS. You do it, they pitch a fit, they get over it.
Third: SOMEONE has to leave the job site. Not sure who the superior is in the A, but the senior person should be the one to leave, as that is the biggest corporate ethical breach. Whether or not you stay in your M, an ongoing A must be exposed to the employer. Sucks, I know.

Expose at work will not accomplish NC. If they want to see each other, they will. Exposure is for making the affair uncomfortable and taking away the fantasy of it all.

If you threaten her, you'll get a verbal @ss-whoopin and she'll prepare for it before you can act. You just do it.

DO NOT make the threat. Do NOT forewarn her. You will be throwing away the one weapon you have by doing it and it will GET YOU NOTHING.

Agree with everyone here.

Don't warn her...she'll spin it to look like you're a crazy person if you do.

Expose...but remember to do it the RIGHT way. Make it clear that you're not trying to hurt her, but rather that you're trying to enlist her boss's aid in saving your marriage. That message is critical to get across...it undermines her ability to lie about you and your marriage, and eventually when the fog clears, she'll start hearing that part of the message as well.

Thanks for the advice on warning her.

I don't care more about her job than our marriage but I do care about her ability to make a living in the future as it affects my financial position and her ability to help with the kids. I really don't think there will be any coming back from exposing to her employer. She will hate me forever. If she worked at a 7-11 it would be different. She has a master's degree and worked hard to get where she is. Granted she took the risk, and they could find out by other means, but I doubt there would be any chance of reconciliation if I follow through on the exposure.

I think I am more comfortable going to plan B than exposing. At least it seems like there is a chance for success by applying pressure on her to leave on her own terms.

Mr C, you should not go into Plan B unless you have exposed. You may not have to go into Plan B at all if you expose. It should be done FIRST.

I went to post, realized I wasn't logged in and when I came back - logged on - Melody had made the point I was going to.

Plan B is to be done AFTER Plan A has been done to the best of your ability. This is a PLAN with 2 parts. You greatly diminish the entire Plan and your chances of success if you will not follow through.

Exposure is one of the hardest parts of Plan A and I believe where too many people pull back. Your marriage should be more important than her job.

Her affair was more important to her than her job was.

Your marriage must be worth more than the affair, right?

That puts the job last.

She'll be mad. They always are. They threaten to leave because you exposed.

That's about as stupid as the robber being mad at the bank teller for calling the police after the robbery.

It will pass. She can get over her anger at losing her job, even career, due to HER CHOICES AND ACTIONS.

Your marriage can never be saved as long as they work together.

mr. C, you have this backwards, there likely won't be any reconciliation unless you DO expose. Your marriage won't recover unless contact ends. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive the affair. All BS' think that exposure will end their marriage, it never does.

mr c,

I was in a similar position to you last summer and the fine people here recommneded that I expose at my WW place of work. After some intense thinking, I finally called her head office to lodge a complaint. Then I called her VP who I met at the Christmas party. I exposed and my WW was livid for days. She calmed down after a week or two and is still resentful that I exposed to her employer.

The A went further underground and became a PA, however they had to really sneak around now since they knew people were watching them.

I'm about to go into Plan B and my M may not recover, however I do not regret exposing to her work.

And it is critical that you constantly repeat to her that you did it to save the marriage...just as OWL pointed out.

This may be one of the hardest things you will ever do and it will hurt like crazy. But as Mel is so wisely telling you, your marriage can handle her anger, it won't survie if you let the affair go uncontested.

Mr. C, you are shielding your wife from the consequences of her adultery. That's darn nice of you. I mean, you're being so considerate and respectful of her and her career...even though she's paid you the ultimate disrespect. Why in the world do you want to do that? If she suffers no consequences, she won't stop what she's doing because she has no motivation to. Expose, man, and let the chips fall...wherever. She MIGHT see some impact in her employment. If she's so well respected, that's doubtful. She MIGHT not reconcile with you. She MIGHT sprout wings and fly too. Or she MIGHT be shocked out of her fantasy world.

Look, man. You know for certain your marriage is over if you don't break this adulterous relationship up. You have certainty on one hand and a bunch of maybe's on the other. Which one are you going to choose?

Thanks again. You all make excellent points. For some reason this is the hardest thing for me.

I will say that that getting her fired seems like a tainted victory to me. If that's what it takes to get her to not see OM, do I even want her back? She should want to do this on her own.

Sure, she SHOULD and she probably WOULD if she were not in the fog of an affair. She is not the person you married at this point.

Mr c

Unfortunately you are talking as if she were rational. She is not. Exposure is NOT for making her stop seeing the OM, although it might indirectly help. It's for making the affair uncomfortable. It's harder for them to think they are soulmates when everyone around them looks at them like they are fools.

Why would she want to do this on her own? She thinks she's in love with this guy. She's away from him and her heart aches for him. It won't be for a while that she realizes this is a fantasy. Exposure is one of the ways you destroy that.

So what should I put in my letter? That they used company time, email, and chat to conduct their affair. Should I include that I want them separated and we need that for our marriage to recover?

MrC, say all of that, and end with "what do you intend on doing about this?" Put the onus on them to come up with a solution. But, you and I both know that only complete no contact is the solution. And that means one of them leaving the company. IDEALLY, the exposure will make them both so uncomfortable that one will leave.

Refresh my memory, did you tell her parents?

p.s. I would address the letter to ONE OR TWO KEY people in the company so that those two will be obliged to respond to you. One should be the head of Human Resources and another key officer like the VP. Then CC her boss and any other key people who should know. If it is done this way, then the addressee cannot quietly put the letter away and hush this affair, he will be forced to act.