LA, I found out this morning I'm going to be laid off. I am so grateful for all the insight you've given me. I took a position I didn't know if I could succeed in because it was over my head, and have not gotten my skills up quickly enough to be successful.

I am so glad for what you've shared with me about judgement and blame. H apologized for "making" me take this job, and I told him I'm not blaming him. He had confidence I would be successful, where is the blame there? I had confidence I would be successful, too, I don't need to blame myself for that, either. There have been many other times in life where I have been able to make an impossible situation work, and sometimes where I wasn't. Not good, or bad, it is, and I can be at peace with that.

I am going to look for another job that will be a better fit. I still have a lot of confidence in my skills, but I will be more realistic this time. I don't need to prove anything to anyone this time, especially myself, by taking a job way over my head again. I can take something that matches my skills, with no shame, and then if I'm not challenged enough, can always move up from there, bloom where I'm planted <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I've never taken a job I can do well before, always took one that was way hard to prove to myself that I could do it. I am so thankful for all I've learned here!

Oh boy, I just typed another long post and lost it! Darn it!Sometimes when that happens, I feel better anyway, like journaling, seeing my thoughts written out (typed out) and I can let it go, maybe it was something I already have the answer to. But I'm still ticked, so here goes. I know when I'm ticked, it's because I'm not acting from core value, but not sure how to better handle it.

H asked me in a nice voice to make a quick phone call, but my problem is I still hear demands even when they are nice requests. So to get clarity for myself, I listened and repeated, "You want me to make this phone call, do I have a choice?" He got mad and snapped at me to just make the phone call, it would've taken 2 seconds. He left the room saying I know it sets him off when I act like this.

Later, he was all gruff and quiet, not having conversation like usual, and I asked him if he was still mad about the phone call. He said just wait, when I really need something from him, he's going to say no and see how I like it, and pointed out times he's said yes when I asked him for things. I said I am glad to do things he asks, but I feel bullied if I don't have a choice, if there are all these consequences to saying no like there was this morning. He said he did ask me nicely, and I said his tone was nice, but his actions show me that I didn't have a choice.

I also repeated something I learned from LA, that I have enough work taking control of my own actions and emotions without taking the burden on for someone else's. Then those words struck me that if this was true, I wouldn't be so flustered when H gets ticked with me.

I'd like to ask for any suggestions on how people have found it healthy to deal with this, to do things they wouldn't have minded doing but now they don't because it feels like a demand.

It happens to me too. So instead of writing into the Post box, I generally type it into a Word document, and then paste it into the Post box.

Additional advantage besides not losing my posts, is that I can see any spelling mistakes, or I have the autocorrected. Also, I can use typing shortcuts that do not work in the Post box. Furthermore, since I just keep writing in the same document that I started when I registered here, if I encounter a similar question that I answered previously, I can (usually with a few edits) repost it.

Thanks for the tips!

Hi EO,

Sorry to hear about your job. Sounds like you have a great plan for finding a new one, though! Good luck to you in your search.

About your H and the phone call -- I understand exactly what you mean! When we first got married, my H often asked me to do stuff that I had no interest in doing or that I felt wasn't my responsibility, and my answer was usually, "why can't YOU do it?" (That was pre-MB for me!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Didn't go over too well, as you might imagine.

For a more healthy solution, I think I have read LA or someone else (?? can't remember) suggest a reply along the lines of, "H, I'm choosing not to do things that build resentment, and doing that for you would build resentment, so I won't be doing that."

Because doing it when you're feeling annoyed/pressured/whatever will lead to martyrdom/resentment.

Ooh, I just had an idea! Maybe the reason you are still ticked (even though you didn't make that phone call) is because your self is annoyed with you for being more concerned about your H's feelings than about yours?

I'll explain! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> First you say, "H asked me in a nice voice to make a quick phone call, but my problem is I still hear demands even when they are nice requests."

So it sounds to me like you're saying that his perception that he was being nice is more valid than your perception that he was being demanding.

And then you say: "I have enough work taking control of my own actions and emotions without taking the burden on for someone else's. Then those words struck me that if this was true, I wouldn't be so flustered when H gets ticked with me."

It sounds to me like you are saying that his perceptions are more valid than yours -- first you "have a problem" because you didn't think he asked nicely, and now you are upset that he is upset -- but you sort of glossed over the part where YOU are feeling bullied and disrespected (or whatever you specifically felt when he said all that stuff about not helping you when you need him, etc). So I would imagine that your self is ticked at him for being rude and at you for ignoring your feelings and instead focusing on whether or not HE is upset.

What do you think about that?

Oh, and to answer your question about whether it's a selfish demand when the tone is nice, I looked up Dr. Harley's page on selfish demands (because I thought it was an SD, but hey, I'm not an expert!) and here's what he has to say:


So, yes, it can be an SD even if he says it nicely, if there is a threat of punishment if you don't comply.

Hey LA,


LOL. I did the exact opposite -- my messy home was a perfect reflection of my messy insides! I actually got a handle on the homekeeping first, and I think the queit in my home is was gave me inspiration to seek quiet in my head. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Sounds just like my mom's mom! She had to have colon surgery last year, and she told me that she hadn't been feeling well for months beforehand, but she thought she was just lazy. Not SICK but LAZY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Sure is!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The job search is going a lot better than I expected, I emailed out a resume already for work in my area. I'm still working until the beginning of next month, and then get severence, but it is better if I can find work while I'm still working, than trying to find work after being laid off. Then part of me thinks it'd be great to be home with the kids in July, so if it doesn't work out right away, that'd be okay, too. I've never had to look for work for more than a week or two before, I interview really well and get along with people.

You nailed it! Thanks for pointing that out, it gives me practice for finding WHY I'm so frustrated.

He called this morning to let me know about a job prospect, and I asked if that meant we were buddies again. He went on to talk about the job a little more, and I asked again. he said that he doesn't agree with me, but he doesn't want to be mad about it anymore. Lately I don't usually do that, but rather give him time to get over it, and then he lets me know by his actions when we're buddies again.

I am needier than usual because of the work news I got yesterday, but I can forgive myself for backsliding, and choose to not ask next time.

Thanks so much for looking that up from Selfish Demands, too, I didn't think to check there.

I wish this stuff all came naturally to me, but I'll get there in time with practice, thanks Happy!

Hi EO,

Glad the job search is going well!

OK, now, I'm not trying to pick on you here, but... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



I'm not quite sure why I don't like this paragraph, but I don't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Are you saying that you believe that if he's mad at you, then your marriage is somehow temporarily on hold until he gets over it? What about your hurt feelings? Do you just sweep them under the rug once he's over it?



Hey, there's nothing wrong with needing a little extra support!

But why are you forgiving yourself for backsliding? Are you judging yourself for not being perfect yet?? Because if you are, I think you should stop! LOL.

This doesn't come naturally to me, either, not at all, and in my experience, it doesn't come naturally to very many people. So expecting yourself to get it all right away seems like you're being WAY too hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect. In fact, I don't think it's even possible to be perfect -- we're only human!

And, as LA keeps telling us, we're already marvelous!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

(((((EO))))

Sure feels that way. I had explained before, I feel like I'm married to 2 guys. One is not to be trusted, will do whatever he can to hurt me, just to get a hurt reaction, or just to feel like a big man. Now I know this sounds really irrational, but that is how it feels to me. Through these tools, like listen and repeat, I can validate to myself how much of this is real and how much is my perception. For example, if he had responded differntly when I'd asked about the phone call, that no problem, he could do it, then I'd know where to look for the solution. So where is my payoff? How can I stop attributing that intent to him?

The other guy is awesome, totally wonderful. He makes me coffee every morning, takes a lot of responsibility with the dishes and the wash, sometimes cooks, and many times does the kids' bedtime routine. Not that I'm counting, I just mean he does lots of good stuff. Responds positively when I ask for affection. Asks my opinion. Talks and smiles with me. But this is where the walking on eggshells come in, because one wrong word from me, and that's it. Until at least the next day, maybe two days. And even the good guy "tests me" like this.

So what can I do? Keep walking on eggshells? No, I can enjoy my day no matter which H I have today.

What about my hurt feelings? I'd already told him this morning that I feel bullied and set up when he asks me to do something, I say no, and then I have consequences for it. That's really all that I see I can do, be honest and move on.

I do sweep it under the rug once he's over it. I'll leave the room if I'm being disrespcted, but return when it stops. If I'm mad about it, I'll seek out space, but I'm not usually mad unless I get frustrated and forget to leave until I'm pushed too far. In general I've been better at getting away before it gets too far. And H has been better about not pushing buttons, too.

Ummmmm, if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't need to be posting here myself!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, I understand what you are saying about the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing. Not irrational at all! But I think this is sort of like what I was talking about with my H this weekend. Not that I actually thought my H was trying to hurt me by cleaning, but that I attributed a motive to him when I didn't actually know what his motive was.

Your H might have been trying to hurt you by acting like that, or he might have just been reacting from his own fear/hurt/other issues you weren't aware of at that moment. That doesn't mean he's entitled to treat you however he wants to -- but just that maybe his reasons for acting like that aren't because of you at all.

What's your payoff for believing it's about you? Well, maybe you want to believe that, if he's being mean to hurt you on purpose, then you can get him to stop being mean by being "good" enough. If his behavior is about you, then that gives you some control over it, some responsibility for it. What do you think?



This part sounds to me like you believe that you are doing this to him. You aren't. He is choosing his behavior. HE is choosing it.

And most likely his behavior is about whatever he's dealing with in his own head right now. That goes double if he's still in the midst of an active addiction.

I absolutely agree that you shouldn't be walking on eggshells around him, and that you can still choose to have a good day. And you can choose to support yourself and validate yourself, no matter what he does or doesn't do.



This sounds wonderful. Kudos to you!

I just read further in You Don't Have to Take It Anymore, and found the Jekyll/Hyde description there. And it talked about when you're feeling negative, it's because you aren't operating from your core value. Uncanny.

That's why I ask, do you mean I have a choice? By the way, he did by his own admission "get me back." My D5 crawled into our bed last night, and usually one of us tells her no and walks her back to her room, but he let he climb in. She's still adjusting to sleeping in her own room, she slept with D10 until D10 decided she didn't want to anymore a month or two ago. She was sneaking into D10's room after she was asleep until she told her to stop. So it's not a habit I want to start. Anyway, I can protect that with my own boundary, give D5 a sticker on the calendar when she sleeps in her own bed, and that should fix it. I know H isn't enthusiastic about D5 sleeping alone when she doesn't want to, but if he feels that strongly (which I don't get, but that's okay) he could go sleep in her room. Is that good enough? Or is that imposing on him and I should find a bed for myself elsewhere? I'd hate that, I know in general I'm not any more right, but I don't think that's healthy for her. Especially that I told her I don't want her in my bed, and then let her get away with it when I'm tired enough, what an awful example to set of boundaries.


He says this to me, that I need to stop setting him off the way I do. So on one hand, I don't want to do something that obviously will cause him discomfort, but on the other hand, I can't keep acting from fear instead of my core value. It upsets me and builds resentment, and reinforces to him that I agree that I am setting him off.

Thanks for the reminder, I totally agree.

We had a hard morning again. There are other work-at-home jobs in my field that I did not apply for, just applying for the ones in an office, and he says this will be harder on the kids. Yes, it would, they'd have to be in day care while I commute, but I've tried working at home, and it isn't working for me.

I told him, I'm going through enough with the job loss, and I'm going to have to go stay with a friend for a few days if that is the only way I can get peace. I have never had to do that before, but this job thing is really hard. He again said, if I would just stop setting him off....

(((((EO)))))

I'm sorry you had such a rough morning! I've been thinking about you, and I was hoping you were feeling better today.



Wow! That's quite a coincidence. What does YDHTTIA have to say about the Jekyll/Hyde thing?



Yep, I did mean you have a choice. Until/unless he tells that he's trying to get you back, you don't know what his motive is. It's disrespectful for you to speculate (and, if you did happen to be wrong, you might end up upset about something that happened only in your head).

Regarding your daughter's sleeping arrangements, I'm not really sure what the best course of action is. I don't have kids myself, so I don't want to just throw something out there. Maybe some of the other MBers with kids can help??



Just because he says you need to stop "setting him off" does not mean you are actually responsible for his behavior.

You aren't. He may believe that you are. But that doesn't mean you have to believe it.

You don't actually have any control whatsoever over whether he experiences discomfort, either.

Yes, your action may trigger a feeling for him, but the feeling and all the internal reactions leading up to it all happen inside him -- you have no control over that.

(Al Turtle's website has some really good info about how feelings originate if you're interested -- here's the link to his main feelings page: Al Turtle's Feelings and Emotions Page)

What you have control over is deciding whether your actions match your core values. So you have to choose your behavior based on what you think is best rather than on how you think he might react.

Which you know, of course, because you already wrote that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



What do you do when he says things like this?

I'm glad you asked about the Jekyll and Hyde, I read back, and saw,
Your Negative Emotions Are Signals to Value Yourself More

and about Jekyll and Hyde,

"Your more important values make you who you are as a person. When true to them, you have a strong sense of self, and when untrue to them, you seem to be a different person. And now you know why your husband seems to have a Jekyll and Hyde personality. When he's in his core value, he's the man you married. But once he leaves it, he becomes resentful, angry or abusive. His emotions serve as guardians of his deeper values, prodding him with jabs of guilt, shame, and anxiety whenever he strays from them. Unfortunately, he blames his guilt, shame and anxiety on you."

I am getting there, thanks!

Sorry for the confusion. I knew I do have a choice whether to assign motive. I was trying not to assign a motive, that's why I asked H if he thought I had a choice. Poor choice of words, I could have asked if it was a request or a demand.

I do think it would help to hear other perspectives on this. The last time I asked, D5 was in D10's bed, and I was the one changing status quo so I needed to find a way for H to be enthusiatic. I didn't find that way, so I waited until D10'd had enough, but now D5 is trying to get back in bed with US. I know many people see sleeping with older kids as normal, for me it's very important to model clear boundaries for them.

I felt resentful because if I had made a big honking deal last night, H would've left it alone. I don't think I need to ever make a big honking deal ever again, so I'm glad I thought of another solution, giving her stickers to make it a positive.

Thanks for making it even clearer for me, I will read up on that website, it looks good!

Again, that depends where I am emotionally. I have a few things I try to remember to say that are neutral, neither negative or affirmative.

"Oooh." kind of like Edith Bunker if you remember her
"I s'pose." I got that from living in Minnesota <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"You may be right."

When I'm in a positive mood, I say one of these, with my hands thrown up, thinking, this too, shall pass.
When I'm really feeling good or feel confident that my hopper is ready, I give my O&H perspective.
When I'm down or getting there, I'll say ouch and walk away. Or just walk away if I can't say anything.

Hi EO!

Glad you're feeling better!

Thanks for posting the Jekyll/Hyde info. That's really interesting! Maybe I should read that book...



Ohhh, I see what you're saying. I thought you meant you were assigning a motive to his reaction, not his original demand/request. So, yes, I see that you did ask him and he did not respond nicely, and then in fact he tried to "get you back," as he put it.

All I have to say about that is, it's still his choice to do that, no matter what his motive was! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Whether he is trying to punish you, or mad at you, or whatever, you don't have any control over what he is doing or why he is doing it.

I hope you enjoy Al Turtle's site, by the way! I saw the link on one of WolfDeca's posts, and I found the site very helpful. Really helped me see how my emotions work and where they come from, and how I need to find more effective ways to express them, plus how I can try to communicate in a way that's safe for both me and my H.

Regarding your daughter sleeping in her own bed, I do think she's old enough to sleep on her own, but I also know that this is a controversial topic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I think using a positive reward to motivate her is a great idea. Have you asked her why she doesn't want to sleep alone? Could be that she has a specific reason that you might be able to address so she feels better about it. Or maybe not! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But it never hurts to ask. What about your H? Is there a specific reason he doesn't want her to sleep alone (if you've already posted about this before, forgive me for asking again! I don't remember seeing it).



Edith Bunker!! Yes, I can picture her saying that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well, those responses sound good to me. Does YDHTTIA have suggestions for what to say in this type of situation? (OK, I guess I really should just buy the book! LOL)

Personally, I'm still trying to just do the listen and repeat thing, because it's hard for me to come up with a response that's not just an instinctive LB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I'm working on that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope you are having a marvelous afternoon!

HTBH

My little one doesn't like sleeping alone because it feels unfamiliar to her. Like Ferber says, it's like if you're used to sleeping with a pillow, and all of a sudden there is no pillow, you'll have trouble falling asleep until you get used to sleeping with no pillow. When I ask her, she says it's because she can't fall asleep, and that makes sense.

H has warm memories of sleeping in with his mom. His dad left for work really early, and the kids would all get up and go into their mom's bed and go back to sleep. His childhood was horrific, and is one of the few good memories he has <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. So it is really awful to him that I make them miss out on having the memory of snuggling with their parents.

To me, we are very close with our kids, and they snuggle with us on the couch. I feel more comfortable with them being used to snuggling on the couch, out where everybody is, instead of in the bedroom. Then when they sleep at a friend's house, if someone wants to play or snuggle with one of them in private, I hope it will be something they think about first, because it wouldn't be something they're used to.

YDHTTIA does talk about responding from your core value. I will use listen and repeat more, too. I think I am understanding, and just ask when I don't, but wouldn't hurt to listen and repeat even when I think I get it.

Hi again!

I'm running late for class tonight but wanted to respond real quick.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Yes, that absolutely makes sense! Is anything you can do to help her fall asleep? Like giving her a special stuffed animal to snuggle with, or doing a go-to-bed routine every night that helps her get ready to sleep? Just throwing some things out there! How does she like the sticker idea?

As far as your H, I see his point too, as well as yours. What if the girls could come and snuggle with you in the morning for a few minutes before everyone gets going on their day (I read somewhere about a family doing this as a compromise to the co-sleeping problem)? Or just on Saturday mornings as a special treat? But only if they sleep in their own beds the night before!

Seems like there might be a solution that has the girls in their own beds at night but still gives your H the opportunity for the snuggle time he wants.




Yes, I think I should definitely read this book!

Thanks for chatting with me today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We do have a bedtime routine that we look forward to, but thanks for the suggestion, because that's always the first thing to check. One thing we had stopped doing is that I used to rub her back for a few minutes, I'll ask if she wants that back in.

This was almost exactly how we got D10 out of our bed when she was 5, and how we got D5 out of sissy's bed, that she gets to sleep with sissy on Fridays if she slept alone all week. We got out of the habit of snuggling in the morning because we get up about an hour before the kids do, because I was trying to get work done (I work at home) while they were still sleeping. We could snuggle them downstairs when they wake up if we get them up a bit earlier. It was really cool, they like when we read the comics to them.

Well, aren't you two AWESOME...

I love reading your posts...mutually supportive...and creative.

I'm only going to chime in to let you know I'm reading...and loving all your words...your act of sharing...

and to support EO in listening and repeating...it is for all the time...not "even when I get it"...all the time to show your respect..."I hear you chose to get back at me."

"What about my hurt feelings? I'd already told him this morning that I feel bullied and set up when he asks me to do something,"

And O&H isn't "I feel bullied" right now...stay at level one..."I heard demand in a nice, respectful request. I'm looking at that in myself."

"I think I hear demand when I make a judgment...if I judge you could have filled your own request, then I hear demand."

This is ownership...it is about you and your perception...stated clearly NOT as fact...and not being done to you.

Will you post some conversations so I can demonstrate this better?

"I say no, and then I have consequences for it." We have consequences for every choice we make...is that what you mean? Or was this you saying, "Then you make me suffer for it" in a different way?

"That's really all that I see I can do, be honest and move on."

Ahhh, EO...there are a thousand second by second choices...do not limit yourself...know all you are not choosing...you are not choosing to blame, criticize, define, withdraw, pout, punish...all these things you could do and are not choosing...are important to recognize.

"I do sweep it under the rug once he's over it."

Self-betrayal due to your perspective...and your symbol.

You are half of the Jekyll-Hyde pattern...this is part of your part...predictable reaction to reaction (a whole chain of them)...want to change that?

"I'll leave the room if I'm being disrespcted, but return when it stops." Excellent.

"If I'm mad about it, I'll seek out space, but I'm not usually mad unless I get frustrated and forget to leave until I'm pushed too far."

Notice your self-care intent...seeking out space...and then watch that get flushed with "until I'm pushed too far" because you're a puppet again...what pushes you too far? Part of it realizing you didn't do what you needed to do, state you were flooded, angry and are choosing to find a space to reassure yourself before continuing the discussion...then doing it? Part of that frustration also self-directed...but FELT as if coming in from the outside, pushing you...too far?

"In general I've been better at getting away before it gets too far."

Let's change your language to self...there isn't too far...that's linear...too full, too much...too indicates boundary crossed...and I believe you might be the one crossing your own boundary...what I hear is that you're not staying active instead of reactive...list your progressive boundary enforcements, that self-care...

"And H has been better about not pushing buttons, too."

HTBH pointed out your self-talk remains, though you're changing your perspective a lot...Ouloud, you believe he isn't the cause, control or cure of your emotions...inner self-talk says "yes he is." Listen inside more than outside...catch your subversive self-talk...it's automatic perspective...not chosen with your wonderful knew knowledge...and it's undermining your efforts...which means you're doing this to you...

On the job front...have you prayed to be led? Open to anything...to be led? I see you shutting out work at home...due to a decision...and I'm not judging your decision...I'm asking you to be wide open for God to step in...

I did this...and it was a test for myself...because it was a position way below what I was used to...(that's me in my old judgmental mind)...and the rewards have been amazing...I loved your insight in not taking a job you you could already do really well...which is where I was led (and yeah, surrendering to God to be led is NOT easy...I rebelled, rethought and struggled...glad I did that...and that I lost to my self, rather than won for my self image)...

Huge blessings and abundance...I wrote a long post on all the positives from the last five years, nearly six, at my work...huge lessons...beyond anything I could have imagined...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trusting God built trust in myself...

Now...HTBH...

You sound awesome...how are you feeling? Are you deeply committed to not thinking for your H? No mindreading or assumption? Because you can do exactly what you're doing...which is growing by leaps and bounds...if you use your awareness of your inclination to do so...and then do what you did...find out why it would benefit you to mindread intent...and trace it all the way through.

You're excellent at that!

Posting those traces would help...more of them...help me and others. You have a way of writing them I really enjoy.

LA

LA, I was thinking of you tonight, I'm glad to see you! H is smashed, we got into it, he started throwing stuff which he hasn't done in a long time, so I ain't going near him, I'm sorry I don't remember our dialog really well because I was MAD, it's us at our weakest.

He was helping me find a job he saw online that he thought would be a good fit for me. But he'd been drinking already, so he was more talking than listening. I hear the jugment here, how would be better to put this? He was clicking and scrolling so fast, I couldn't see anything. So I started putting dishes away in the next room. A few times he asked me to come take a look, and I said, when you're done clicking I can come back, I can't see the screen like that. So finally he's done, and it wasn't the one we thought, so now he's putting in California in the search. I say, I'm not going to California, and he says, I know, not until next year. We've HAD that discussion, that's where this thread started, and I told him, I told you I haven't yet agreed to California, I don't want to move there, and he says again that I SAID I WOULD.

I'm confused at this point, and said, well, I don't want to go now. He says, well we're going. Okay, I can see now how listen and repeat and wait until he's sober would've been good strategies. But I got up and said, let me know when you've got that local job you saw up. He finds one local I'm unqualified for, but we decide it's close enough, and get the resume uploaded, and need to modify the cover letter.

Here's where we really went downhill. I take a phrase out from the cover letter, one that wasn't in the ad, and he wants me to leave it in, though it's computer jargon he doesn't even know what it means. I say, no, I don't want it in there I am experienced with this language, because I'm not, and then I get it that this job we're looking at isn't for me. So I say, this isn't one I want, and he says, it's a good company, let's just send it. I say, let's wait until I see a job I'd be a good fit for, and he says, no, just put what I'd be good for in the cover letter. I'm frustrated because he's trying to be helpful, but really I'm done for tonight, so I left the room and I said, I have no more words, just send it like that. That's when he gets mad and comes out and throws the dining room chair down and throws the newspapers all over. My D10 picks them all up and puts them in the recycling. I HATE that she has to see this, but I'm afraid of what I'd say so I say nothing.

I'd typed that up last night, but this morning, I feel very disconnected from my core value. This is what I meant last week that some things I'm not ready for. I'm not ready for this downturn. I know that I can make it through no matter what, but I don't know at what point I need to get us out of here. He broke some glasses on purpose last week, when the kids were awake, and I have a sinking feeling it's just going to get worse. I don't know if that's just my fears or if it's really time.

I'll try to reconnect to core value this morning, do some bible study, have a cup of tea. When the kids wake up, I'll take them out for a bit, maybe to the park, before the day begins, try to reconnect to the knowledge my life is bigger than these incidents.

Well, if he's yelling, first I went for a walk, but now I usually go to another room, or get myself busy doing something like putting the dishes away. Yesterday I hink maybe it would've been better to go for a walk, I didn't see that it was escalating for H like that after I left the room.

I will listen for this, the judgement, right?

For sure. The only reason I haven't been applying for work at home stuff is because I've been so isolated, I need to get out in the world again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I have been praying for guidance as to where He'll lead me. Thanks for sharing about your experience!

Just what I needed to hear this morning, thanks!

(((EO))), (((HTBH))), (((LA)))

Just wanted to drop a quick note to let you all know that I've been following the thread and that it has been helpful to me.

HTBH - Thank you so much for posting the link to Feelings and Emotions! I spent quite a bit of time there yesterday, reading, printing, rereading and having all kinds of light bulb moments. I am currently unsure regarding a new relationship and the information provided me with more clearity regarding my situation. THANK YOU!

(((EO))) Hoping you are well!

LA - I continue to learn so much from your posts. You inspire me.