So LA, I understand that I shouldn't come to any conclusions becasue of my gut feelings; that they may be about some other IB entirely. So I'm not nuts for feeling something was wrong, because it really has been. But I have tools to cope with that.

I agree. I think it is safe to say that, after the fact, short of a miracle he isn't going to confess (if in fact there is something to confess). I think when you explore your reasoning you can decide if your logic is solid or shaky.

My first thoughts are concern for what you are doing to make yourself feel safe. I wonder, if you had doubts of infidelity, why you didn't consider some of the GQ investigating methods? These are concrete methods that can, for the most part, give you some assurances if you doubt your "gut" feeling. I think if this is more than an insecurity, you should have been proactive in protecting yourself, by either trusting that gut feeling or using some method to verify or disprove your theory. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but at least you can be prepared for the fallout if you have any other separate trips planned.

As for interacting with your H, I would feel more comfortable discussing the circumstances. Fact: Your H chose to go to Vegas w/o you and while you were visiting relatives out of town. Fact: Your H said, although in anger, that he might as well earn your distrust. Individually or together, these are not assuring acts. If he wants to be seen as trustworthy, you need him to act in a manner convincingly trustworthy. Let's face it: Vegas is not the typical religious retreat. While going there in and of itself does not make your H a bad person, he could have taken steps to mitigate the potential doubts (namely going with YOU to Vegas some other time).

I think it helps to define his behaviors as part of the addictive pattern, and as such might explain why you have difficulty trusting your H. He has no problem participating in other activities are out of control, and I know personally how the "emotional medicating" easily translates from one behavior to another, depending on the addict.

But don't let this shake you. You deserve some time exclusively for peaceful thoughts, ok? How was the wedding?

That's gaslighting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'd definitely be spooked by this behavior, and would have hired a PI by now (some companies are national, so you would only have to tell them his itinerary and they could handle the rest by means of local PI's at each location.

I think, with the behaviors you described, I'd be concerned too. I would most definitely have stronger boundaries in place. Not to punish him, but to protect you. Nevertheless, I think you need to know for sure. H may be innocent, but it doesn't look that way by a long shot. I don't think I'd be comfortable until I get evidence or some very progressive boundaries.

I agree with you here. And I do feel better having put it all together, rather than disconnected feelings.



The trip through Vegas was a stop when we all drive back together after the wedding from NM back to CA. His other trips, I wasn't out of town with family. But I don't doubt that there will be more spearate trips. You're right, thanks, I do have tools to help me sort through reality.


He went without us last year, and this year we stopped together. I left for New Mexico for the wedding three days before him, but I don't feel very secure when we're apart. I don't think it's insulting that I have doubts; I think anyone with a spouse saying that things are worse than ever would have some doubts. Steps that would mitigate the doubts for me would include tranpsarency, being available on the cell outside of work hours. Last week, it turned out he was pretty transparent, keeping communication open.



The wedding was so beautiful. Everyone got along great, and my DDs were beautiful flower girls. My new SiL's family are musicians and photographers, so the music was beautiful, I can't wait to see the photos <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Fortunately, H doesn't do this when he's out of town anymore. He tells me where he's staying, and usually answers his cell. I never was able to get to where I was okay calling a PI. I kind of wished it would all just go away, you know?


I tried to create a boundary around travel, because to me that's much more clear. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get that to stick. Originally we were all to drive out to NM together, but then H's project extended and his month-end was last week, so he couldn't come until Friday.



That's what I hope to accomplish through MC, more protective boundaries. I still don't know how to resolve these past issues, though. The past events didn't bother me when we were getting along better, it felt like we were bridging these gulfs. Is that normal, for these fears to go away and resurface?

Bad move, going off the ADs. I started back this morning. I was really sad this weekend, but only when I was with H. We went to a theme park Saturday with a bunch of other families from D11's acting group. H mostly stayed away; went to work, and then for a drink, then came back and took D6 on some rides.

I try to remember the friends of good conversation article, but our conversations keep deteriorating. We were going to go to the beach on Sunday, and we were talking to the kids about it. DD6 is a timid kid, and said, Daddy, don't drop me in the waves like last time. H said, sweetie, that's fun to go in the waves! A year ago, I would have heard that as light conversation. Now I heard it as, I will drop you in the waves again. I responded, sweetie, just stay with me. H got mad, went in the other room, and said, I'm not going to the beach anymore; you ruined it for me. I said, I'm so sad; I don't know how to communicate with you anymore. I am not trying to hurt you, I'm sorry what I said did that.

We did have some good times, too. But later in the day, H said, he thinks we should go back to Florida, because I look so unhappy here. I felt so relieved that he thought that, too. But then he followed it with, and we should separate. I don't even take that to mean he wants to separate anymore. I thought, this man is in need on a 180, to lessen that pressure that I'm too dependent; but I didn't know if I had that in me. I went to Alanon last night, though, and I'm going to try.

(Sorry, I mistook your timeline. I thought H went to Vegas WHILE you were at the wedding.)

This always bothers me, even when I do it. It seems like we should be saying "I think it is fun to go in the waves", not foisting our opinions on our children. I think it implies there is a "wrongness" to disagreeing, and yet I find myself saying it when I'm running out of patience.

I would normally say that your assumption of his intent was a DJ, but the prior incedent (the demonstrative hands to your face/head despite your asking him not to), makes me question if he respects that personal boundary.

How do you feel about how you reacted? Part of me sees this as digressing from letting your DH and your children directly interact, but part of me agrees with that paramount need for our children to feel safe.

Threatening separation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Do you mean he doesn't intend to follow through or do you think he means Plan D?

I'm really happy to hear you went to Al-Anon. How was it?

EO,

Sadness is a healing emotion...has acceptance in it...part of grieving...especially when we have fantasy thoughts and beliefs...we feel sadness as we accept reality.

What's reality? That you are only half of your marriage. You've been aware, committed, learning and changing yourself. You may grieve what really wasn't, might have been...mourning portions of the past...even the unreal portions.

Depression, if that's what you mean, is different...anger turned inward...and I'm beginning to think it's part of the stages of grieving gone awry...because anger is a grief step...a necessary one...of awareness...being aware we are angry reality is not what we want it to be right now...of events outside of our control...anger from hidden expectations...we grieve even those.

Anger unacknowledged, not addressed, turned inward is what I think is really helped by AD's. So I'm glad you're back on them.

As for the ocean discussion between your DD6 and your H...you heard your older DD speak well with her boundaries. I heard DD6 do that...she made a boundary...I'll do that with you, Daddy, as long as you agree not to dunk me in the waves. Great boundary statement. He didn't reply to it...he misrepresented back to her. You caught it. What you didn't do is back her boundary...or give her an opportunity to respond to his misrepresentation.

Leave room for her own stuff, too...not fixing...clarity. When you're focused on H, you aren't hearing your DD6; not truly identifying what's going on. Empowering her is allowing her to respond...identify and respond. Helping would be clarifying...if DD6 is flummoxed at her father's response, has no answer back...then you can listen and repeat.

"I heard DD6 set a boundary, is that correct?" looking at DD6.

"What I heard you say was that she should enjoy something she doesn't right now."

Not you fixing, solving, removing, isolating, protecting...empowering. Reality. Not the future...right now.

Great second boundary statement for DD6. "I know you like dunking me in the waves, Daddy. I just don't like it yet. I'm okay doing a lot of stuff at the beach with you...I love us playing together, just not in the waves."

I see you as having worked on the 180 for over a year now...which to me, is facing my inner dependent's worst fear...I do understand. You have it in you...you have the choice.

Not a character trait...a choice. Break your heavy dependency and grown to inter-dependency...they are really different...I believe you know that. Set that goal...not doing a 180 to get him to do anything.

Not what he needs...part of you living an authentic life.

What were your expectations of H for the amusement park? The other family stuff?

(I'm not up to snuff myself today...AmI and I did the triathalon yesterday...she kicked butt...I got mine kicked. Heehee.)

Thinking of you...how's your physical self-care going? How many times are you being active each with for the express purpose of physically processing stress?

I'm still pondering the infidelity which isn't now...though may be...or not...and all that gray area from past choices to present triggers of what wasn't known as truth. I haven't forgotten. I think chobbs addressed it really well.

LA

Well, I didn't let go of the response. If I had it to do again, I would have asked her what she felt like doing.

I don't think he would follow through on separation, anymore than I would. I said something like "I don't do separation. I do marriage," to which he grumbled. I think his point was just that he wants me to be happier around him. Which we would agree on, I'd like to be happier around him, as well.

I felt angry that he would say that, about separating, but I think I understand it. He takes my unwillingness to commit to moving to SoCal permanently as a lack of trust in him. And he may be right. I don't think he has acted in a way that it would be reasonable to trust him to look out for my best interests. Where he thinks he has. So he is acting as if this is his hill to die on.

So it's really clear to me today why this stuff that hadn't been bothering me about the past, is bothering me now. Because I am more exposed.

Chobbs, I am trying to reason this out. I think that we can do things that bring each other happiness. I think we put ourselves in a situation that is more than what we can weather right now. The main things he has asked for for all these years, DS, FS, I am doing them the way he'd like, now. I am working on AS, but to be honest I have a year to go before I'd be the weight I was when we married. I know we have differences of opinion, but I think when we can get this program down; it will all fall into place.

Alanon was great. It was funny, we talked about fear, how we deal with it, how it can be a signal. It gave me some things to try, like sorting it out into what I can do with it positively today. I found that I can afford to live here, alone with the kids, if push came to shove.

Yes, I can feel that, moving towards acceptance. That we're not where I thought we were. And I do accept that.



Thanks for explaining this so clearly, on the heels of a traithalon no less! Yes, this does match my experience, too, those shrugs, nothing I can do now but to mourn it and keep going. Before I sort out what still needs to be addressed, where I am setting myself up to continue betraying myself.



Thanks for showing me what this would look like. Giving her time to find the next step.


LA, you're right; I have been working a 180 since I started Alanon. Loving detachment. Reasonable expectations. Let go and let God.

But to make a move like this, I need to know that there is some positive to this. H claimed he was going to be differnet out here. Happier, so he'd be more affectionate. So I asked for that when we got here. And UA time. And got back into unreasonable expectations again.

I haven't yet reached acceptance with that. What's in it for me? Where is my taker at the table?

So the 180 is an attempt to find a way to make myself willing to do this.



I'd like more O&H. "I'm planning to go to the bar after work, so you won't be able to reach me for a bit."

I'd like it to be a joint decision when his job gets to where he's working 6 days a week again. Again, not a reasonable expectation, whch is where I can find comfort in the reduced expectations of a 180.



Thanks for the opportunity to congratulate you again! Awesome! Kudos!



On the trip, I got out of the habit, and we moved to a new place with no gym, but there's a Curves down the street, and DD11 and I signed up last week, and start back today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA, I look forward to your input on the infidelity issue, too, thanks.

What a difference a day makes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I went to church yesterday morning (Catholic, in case Telly is reading <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), an Alanon meeting last night, and another Alanon meeting tonight. I have a Higher Power, and He has a plan. It doesn't really matter that I don't know what that plan is. It's all going to be okay. I'm going to be okay, my kids will be okay, and H will be okay. Yesterday morning's topic was mercy, last night's was fear, and tonight's was the the 3rd step, turning our will and our lives over to God as we understand Him (or Her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). Just what I needed. We are new, every day.

I was rethinking the depression, anger turned inward. It felt more like despair, a lack of hope. Which felt really foreign to me, because by nature I think I am full of hope. And I feel like tonight, I got my hope back. I did need to grieve for what I lost, to come to that acceptance, to have a hope based in reality.

LA, a long time ago, you recommended Surviving An Affair I was afraid of what I might find out if I read that. I think I'm ready to look at this, whether it's IB or something else.

How are you feeling, today?

Choosing hope as a perspective, not a plan, is a great way to live...embraces reality...because we truly do not know what the new day will bring.

Only that it comes, brings and we experience.

Yahooooo to you on your choice of hope, feeling accepting of sadness, and seeing acceptance...then feeling it.

Why not read SAA? You feel fear of the unknown...each time you acknowledge your fear and act from your love, you teach yourself that's your life premise...choose to do it, anyway.

When you shut out from fear, you lose a lot of goodies in there...like reading those books, I experienced a sigh of acceptance, brought a sense of belonging and understanding. Don't cut that out. Introduced people to me I could see myself and others in...connecting...and the reminder even through pain, we connect; or solely because of, sometimes.

Each time you choose to act bravely, you are telling yourself you know you are brave. How we build ourselves up through reality...each action...not through wishfulness, fantasy.

Curves for Women, eh? No pool, no hot or wet saunas, right? Ahhh...you VERY brave woman. I love that you joined with DD...can youngest DD come, too? Do they have a play area or relaxation area for younger kids?

I want to add that I'm glad you heard H's opinion about separation as his...didn't seem to me you took it all the way inside you, as you once might have. Can you hear his truth as desire for something you don't know yet? My OS is having a hard time right now in his marriage. He has a powerful urge to run...back to the Army, to be stationed far away. I shared with him that I understand that urge...to cut off all relationships, to literally separate...as a wishful child looking for the sure fix, to stop hurting, wrestling, feeling anxiety and pain. We have those. Doesn't mean we do them. To act from fear is to experience life full of fear...makes sense to me now.

My son cannot at present, given his mixed beliefs, discern that he doesn't want to separate from his wife...he wants to separate from his own feelings...take an action to change all of his feelings, change the signals. I think this urge comes from our deep desire to stop reacting to our feelings, directing our choices from feelings...to literally separate from our feelings and see them as the signals they are and get to the beliefs they come from within us.

And we can't separate from ourselves, in reality. Sure can experience life as if we can, I think. Part of the fantasy escape hatch...has a purpose...to either extreme, unhealthy or unhelpful. Necessary in moderation...for creativity, problem-solving, reasoning, divining, other stuff I can't think of (feel free to add). All the more reason to choose not to take others' truth as the truth...or make it our own...set in our beliefs.

Sure helps to flip it over to ourselves...to see where we desire to separate, from what, and identify the fear and pain, where they are coming from, inside ourselves, though.

I'm really sore...from shin splints, I think they are called. Thank you for asking.

I got a huge God smile today, though. When I first started back at the gym, I posted about having a swimming angel named Zach. A 12-year-old boy who would swim beside me, talking, making the 1/4 mile (back then) go pretty quickly...and he is a good swimmer, slowed down for me. I really felt delighted and inspired...and looked for him...saw him probably three times in the early weeks of training and then not again...

At work I told a co-worker about him.

This was important because I have had a fear of swimming...called myself ugly swimmer, laughed at how awful I was...a dog-paddling gawky swimmer. Hid a lot of my fear from childhood swimming lessons when I was four or five years old...you know, those tiny traumas in relation to something...and I shared some of those with Zach...and he shared how he felt when he learned to swim...pointing out his father, his little sister...he didn't have those whacked memories...and he didn't mind that I did.

Where am I going? Well, I haven't felt anywhere near euphoric from my triathalon adventure...felt a little defective, even, because I haven't felt stoked with accomplishment or anything. Just really sore, and strangely, a bit sad.

Today, I noticed a boy in our waiting area...we don't get children in much...considering I work in construction. I asked him who he belonged to (he looked familiar) and he said the copier repair man upstairs. I offered him goodies leftover from a meeting and went on working. Didn't even see him or his father leave.

After lunch, I saw their backs as they returned, and then I looked up and the boy was getting water from our cooler in my line of sight. I finally came out of my office and said, "You just look so familiar to me. I can't place where I know you from." He looked a little perplexed and I said, "Are you Zach?" and his eyes grew bigger and he nodded really slowly, like he'd heard about these whackos his mother told him to stay away from.

"You go to my gym!" and I named it and he said yes, still not clicking...and I said, "You're my swim angel! I'm the woman who you swam with" and I went and grabbed my medal to show him..."I did it, Zach. I really did it. Two days ago."

And he said, "You cut off your hair! Hey, you told me jokes. I know you!"

And I laughed because he remembered and he held that medal and said that was really neat (actual word) and I thanked him for his help...my excitement at this incredible coincidence had me nearly jumping...and I asked if I could hug him and we hugged.

Then I introduced him to that coworker and before I could say anything, she said, "I was just thinking how well you get along with kids." And I said, "This is the boy."

And she said right away..."Your swimming angel? How cool!"

Wow, EO. Denver is like six cities put together...nowhere close to the club...and this was a fluke, as well, for his father was called in special, a higher supervisor, not someone who would normally come. My spirits just soared.

I'm so blessed, EO. You are, as well. We all are. God won't abandon or ignore us...how creatively he brings us what we need, when we need it...if we choose to be aware and see it...and yeah, sometimes, it's gotta be extraordinary to get through to us.

I was on the phone when they were leaving and he had his father wait to meet me. He was excited telling him about me. Oh, I just remembered...right after we realized we knew each other, me being silly with joy, he said, "I gotta run upstairs and tell my dad!"

I matter. You matter. We all matter...we don't all choose to be open...or aware...or we do and then we don't. I believe we are living in abundance...up to us to choose to experience our lives that way.

Thank you for letting me share with you...your posts about how you felt, perceived, after Alanon, resonated in me...helped me.

LA

Hope as a perspective does feel like a very honest way to live. I don't know where you got that from, "We are new, every day," but it keep repeating it to myself, because it brings me back to perspective. I see that cycle, the choice to hope, feeling accepting of sadness, and seeing acceptance...then feeling it.

Thanks for pointing how how not reading SAA, acting from my fear, is part of a bigger pattern. I thought I'd wait, because I thought it would become clear in time. Thought I'd wait it out. And it still may. But I think that having the tools to deal with it will be important to me today, in my struggle with sorting out what I do know, what I have seen but not acknowledged, and what I do not know. The fear of infidelity, of being erased, is a lot to tackle, and I thought I'd take on smaller ones, first.

I picked Curves because that's the one I have the easiest time building consistency with. And they let my DD11 participate, too. This one doesn't let me bring DD6 the way the one in Florida did.

I have reacted to those threats as truth before, and seen that desire come and go away before. Heck, I've felt it come and go in myself many a time, too. I am working to get back and stay where I am working from core value, not today's feelings. I know that my core value doesn't include breaking up the family home, unless any of us are unsafe.


Thanks for the illustration. I am sorry to hear your son facing these difficult issues. I know it can be especially hard with a new baby thrown in, too. How's that lack of sleep they bring for distorting our thoughts! I am glad that you have been able to break the enmeshment with your son, so that you can be a real support to him.

Thanks for sharing your story, too about the swimming angel. Reminds me of that quote, "wait for the miracle."


LA, like when you first described to me about perspective, turning your heard a quarter turn. I will raise my awareness, too, of the good stuff. Wait for the miracle, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm glad that helped you, too!

I'm back on the medicine, and it seemd to take effect right away. It does seem to take more effort to be aware. But maybe that's what I need, today, to practice being more aware.

I learned something yesterday. My anger is still coming out as AOs. I was really ashamed at first to come here and admit that. But you all have really inspired me with your bravery.

I know I get mad, and raise my voice, and get unreasonable. To me, I didn't catch that it was an AO, because I no longer curse or insult. I was using the "right" words, and would leave when I realized I had to.

I "got it" that this wasn't good enough. H told the counselor that my D11 told him doesn't understand why we don't split up. That she doesn't like us fighting, but she's used to it. And that is why H had said what he did last week about separation. Not because he was fed up with me. But because he doesn't feel like this is a good life for the kids, to be exposed to this.

My first response in the counselor's office was that D11 didn't tell me that. What a response <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Because I was still processing H's words in the hopper, and I didn't know if he was deflecting. But thinking on it, I know it's true.

I apologized to D11 when I got home. And talked with her about it. She said that it's better than it was, but I still make her feel bad when I do that.

I just realized; I haven't apologized to H yet; I will do that today.

I am going to work on this. Dr. Harley has an exercise, to write it down, because unfortunately, we aren't always the most objective about our own behavior. And I will be aware about using my tools, not expressing my anger as AOs. Which right now I think means not expressing my anger until it's over, until I learn to trust myself better.

Things have been going really well here, back to how they were before the blow-up with my sister. We really are back to the state of intimacy, where we are thinking of one another before we make most decisions, meeting ENs, eliminating LBs. Pointing them out to each other repsectfully when they come up. Everything seems so much clearer. I understand now, though, that as long as H still has a drinking problem, that these good days may just be for a season. I am enjoying these good days, and feel confident again that I can handle the bad ones.

We've decided that we're going to stay here in SoCal for another year, and then decide if we want to make it permanent. The amount of time we've been here so far has let me see that we are all really happy here, but I still have a concern about what our permanent job prospects are. I think once H and I find permanent work, instead of consulting, that will make the decision easy. For now, we're going to rent out our house back home. I was surprised to find that I really like working at home, even though the last time it was very depressing to me. It helps that I have really structured my day and am going out of my way to spend time with other people, and outdoors, so we're not isolated.

Last week, the counselor asked me to come up with a list of goals of what I want to achieve in IC, and MC.

In IC, I want to create a plan to manage my depression, the way that I have one for my asthma. I have medicine that I take daily, and if I am wheezing or coughing, I take a rescue inhaler. If I need it more than 3 times a week, or in the middle of the night or when I wake up, then I know it's time to go back to the doctor. I haven't had to go for an in between visit like that in a few years, just my quarterly checkups. So I am hoping that depression may be as clear cut as that. I also want to ask whether she has enough information to know that it's depression, or whether I should be screened to determine that.

Another goal is to get clear with my boundaries, so that I can safely ignore any self-doubt when enforcing them.

I am really grateful to have found an IC I like, because I think it will really help to have that safe source of support as I go through my Alanon 4th step, taking a fearless moral inventory. And I'm so glad that I have you all here for support, too!

My marriage goals are really clear, because they're right here on the site: Rule of Care, Rule of Protection, Rule of Time, Rule of Honesty.

Thank you for the update, EO.

Is your goal for IC overcoming your depression? I ask because of my experience with it.

I like beginning with goals...kudos to your IC for that. And for separating them from individual to marital...because we know how much those seem to overlap.

On the AO discovery...I think you're fabulous for really hearing yourself...because AO's are sneaky...when we've been doing them for so long, we can slide them by ourselves...many ways to act out or in, instead of sharing our feelings.

I'm glad you're evaluating your depression with bright eyes...I take you to mean being aware of depression...it's textures and signals...which really is the first step.

How was drama camp for the girls?

LA

I didn't realize that you can overcome depression, I like that goal! I was thinking how do I manage this? But I like the idea of overcoming it better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, man, I was so sad about the AOs, to see where I was continuing to hurt H and the kids. I have been really vigilant, though, and will continue to be until I have seen that I can maintain consitency with eliminating it.

Drama camp has been great, LA. The kids are making friends, and I am, too, with the moms. It is really cool to see the kids asking each other, what is my motivation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> They are home a lot, too, but that has been really smooth.

We went to the MC this morning, and H was talking about nutrition, how he doesn't like some of the stuff I bring in the house. It's stuff I'm trying to be good with, for example vegetable chips, or organic corn chips. I don't buy a bag every week, even, I just want the kids to have a little when they ask for it. And once a week or so, I bring the kids to fast food. I'm not proud of that, but I'm trying to be honest here, and honestly I don't think it's that big of a deal. When I catch myself saying "it's no big deal," that's a signal to me, too, that it means it's something I can try doing differently, and it'll probably be fine.

The counselor was a little biased, I think, because she's from another country where kids have like a potato for a snack. Maybe if H and I lived in another country where there is nothing to eat but unprocessed food, we'd have no physical attractiveness issue LOL. But I understand it's good to keep an open mind.

Anyhow, H these ground rules: NO fast food, NO soda, even diet, which I don't think are really necessary, but I'm willing to try something different because what I've been doing is not bringing results. It feels very unnatural to me. We also agreed to go see a nutritionist for the whole family. I said I think H should pack his lunch, too, or bring a lunch I pack, since the three of us are agreeing to give up the junk food. I know he doesn't have a weight issue, but he has high cholesterol. I also said, if we're going to make nutrition the focus, then what about when H gets a chili dog? And what about the excessive alcohol?!

Well, the counselor said that the alcohol was a separate issue, not included in what we are talking about. And that it's okay for H to eat differently than the kids, because we're the parents, and we set the rules. I told her I disagree, that it's false for us to say that some foods are not healthy for them but healthy for us. When he and I are the ones with the health problem.

When we left, H said he thinks I'm being spiteful about the alcohol, and he's not going to cut back. That he doesn't have more than two drinks a day, which I know is false, even though I deliberately try not to count or notice.

I feel like Seabird yesterday, trying to get a bigger perspective, but stuck in the one I have today. I am trying to think of this as MY choice to do what I can to be healthy and give my kids healthy choices. That it's what I would want to do even if H was far away. But man, it feels hypocritical to go to an office, brainstorming a solution, and then come home with more work for me to do, leaving me feeling no better at all about the M.

I emailed H, and let him know I wasn't enthusiastic with what we worked out, which was more cooking, with only a very long term payoff, that one day he may find me more attractive. I was kind of mad, and didn't have a solution, so I asked if he had any solutions to propose. He offered to do more of the cooking, including on the weekends. I'm really enthusiastic about that, because we all like his cooking.

And he said that there are things that he does like about me and find attractive today. That felt really good.