With your DDs thoughts on staying counted...are you feeling as enthusiastic about moving back to SoFl?

How about POJAing a decision deadline?

Then POJAing going or staying?

How about listing all your feelings and thoughts on paper...and asking your H to do the same? I say this because this could also be a really sharing opportunity...

Maybe a highest honesty opportunity...can you recall all that you said to DDs when telling them you and H had agreed to move to SoCal for the summer? Any "Oh, you'll love this or that" going on? I ask because if they are saying, "Yes, you were right. I do love this and I love that here" then you sort of made an agreement.

Often, we manipulate our kids to get them "on board" with a decision...could you be detecting this betrayal in yourself from this happening repeatedly in your marriage...this getting on board and switching the board?

And consider where in your code is keeping your promises to others to yourself...as your guideline for a decision.

Seems to me, you are both divided...for different reasons...am I close?

LA

LA, thanks for asking the tough questions.

No, I didn't feel as enthusiastic about going home after what D11 said about wanting to stick it through with the acting. She's been memorizing monologues and scenes, going to acting camp, getting her photos done, and just the last few weeks going on castings. She has invested herself whole heartedly in this.

She said that she feels free to do this here after we went to the middle school our here and the PRINCIPAL assured her that it's okay for her to miss school as long as her work is made up, which in the past she's always been able to do. In South Florida, you can't miss more than 10 days without being disciplined for truancy, even if all your work is made up, unless you file to homeschool and go through those requirements as well. Gosh, maybe that was TMI?

We deadlined a decision time, tonight.

Last night the four of us put our thoughts on paper, the pros and cons of both places. I was surprised to find that this actually did help. I thought we'd already talked this to death. But it gave us the ideas of whichever choice we make, what we like and don't like. Creating the positives that we found in one place in the other place.

Yes, we were all four of us divided, for different reasons. The kids were less of two minds. DD6 wants to go home; she was really close to her best friend; we had her over every Friday. She really misses her Grandma, which is good for me to know, because she's still kind of shy and I didn't know she had that connection. And like I said, DD11 really wants to stay here. She said even outside of the acting opportunity she is more excited about the school here and the new friends she's making.

We have an appointment today to go see the MC, and hopefully that will help us make peace with our decision, too.

EO,

Four different reasons...and you only relate the DDs'...

What were your H's concerns?

What were yours?

LA

Oh, shoot, LA, I thought I had rehashed those to death here already. But since you asked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

H would like to go back now, but come back as DD11's career (or DD6) progresses. His concerns about going back home were

1) that he has had enough of my extended family and a few friends of mine. I think I have a much better handle on POJA and priorities and would be better able to minimize his exposure there.

2) that I may not entertain the thought of coming back when he's ready

3) that his company is being evasive about whether or not he has work there if we go back

4) that I was out of work a few months last year before accepting a less-than-optimal job

My concern about going back is mainly uncertainty about how long I'd be out of work

H's concerns about staying in LA were the high cost of living and the nasty traffic. We'd be stuck in a tiny apartment. Moving the kids to new schools YET AGAIN after we'd gone to Minnesota and back twice.

My concerns about moving here are also the high cost of living and the traffic. I have been applying to online job postings, but I feel at a loss to how to get in touch with the local job community here. I know I can overcome this, but it just looks like an uphill battle. Also concerned about pulling the kids away from our extended family. We lost MiL and one of my Grandpas this year, and my other Grandpa says he's not doing so well.

What is the best place for your marriage?

Tough to answer...

Moving, moving, moving...

What is it that H likes about moving? Does he pack all the boxes, make all the arrangements, find the places to live, clean and prepare them, move the boxes, unload the boxes, set up life anew, again and again?

Because he is saying he wants to move, and move again...and maybe, again after that. Find out what is within the moving that has an allure...has that urge, that bent...because he was bent on coming to SoCal for a long time...what, two years? What was that payoff exactly for him?

And why does the payoff go poof so fast?

I know this was a temporary time in SoCal to check the lay of the land...and the indecision right now is a reflection of the indecision prior to this...there were expectations and agreements...that you would move to SoCal and if this or that would happen, then...

If then statements were made...

What were those?

Those are promises you made to yourself and each other...the promises are the grounds of your marriage...

Events change...not marital boundaries.

Before you moved, H knew he didn't have a long-term consulting contract in place, correct? It was long enough for the summer...and you both knew you wouldn't have your position remotely...and you moved, anyway.

Can you see anything different right now than in your previous moves, for previous reasons, done differently?

What is different is that DD11 is in the center of most opportunities for her dream right now...H agrees with that given he's willing to move back again if something takes off for her.

So what is H's dream for his life? What has he longed for and not achieved? What does he say his deepest need is?

What are yours?

What matters most...

where you live?

who you live with?

how you live?

Where I live matters greatly...and I only learned that priority through my DH's artistic eyes...for I thought how we lived mattered more...cost of living, screw the beauty...and I was wrong. We lived in fear for 12 years--doesn't make for a thriving marriage. We lived in fear because we chose to be enslaved to a bigger fear...not being able to feed our children...if we didn't.

Wasn't a realistic fear, as it turns out.

What we lived without was beauty...our known beauty...we lived in foreign beauty as foreigners...and I used to self-deceive to get by...

Find where your home is...in your heart...and find out where H's home is...in his heart...

Because if our focus is on the next better thing...then we out-manuever God...who is bringing us to where we thrive. If our eyes remain on the next place, position, purpose...then we are underbalanced in acceptance, awareness, right now...right here...and who we are, aren't we?

Often we are in pursuit of opportunities...an abundance for him...and we close off our opportunity for God.

You can choose to ask to be led to where God wants you...

You can choose to ask for your family to be led where they need God...

And be where you can hear him, see him, be close to him clearly.

And where you do not self-deceive...to make do...get by...sacrifice to get along...again.

Part of POJA is to get to the underlying when the obvious looks in conflict.

LA

No, the actual moving has been when he's travelling and not there to help. He has shared some in unboxing, because that's a bit more spread out in time.




He says that it's been all his life, but really he started mentioning about 6 years ago, which is close enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He has worked here alone off and on over the years and there was an allure that he says wasn't here anymore when we came out this summer. There's a lot of nightlife that he's outgrown more than anything else. So the payoff moved to DD11's acting. But that would take time before it would grow to where it would be enough of a payoff for him, although DD11 enjoys these early stages, too.



If we got great jobs(good career moves) or the kids' acting took off. We weren't able to accomplish either of those in our time here.

If we found housing in a family oriented neighborhood affordable. We did, but it came as a tradeoff, a 3 bedroom home on a lake in Florida compared to a two bedroom aparment without many of the amenities we had.


LA, this is all really helping. To look at what was okay at one point, and to see if that has changed. And like you said, what has changed has been events. What we thought might happen.



Yes, we moved with the idea that we'd find positions easily. H has been looking sonce before we got here, and it hadn't materialized within that time. Doesn't mean that won't happen in the future. Events can change.



Yes, we're taking responsibility each for our own thoughts and choices. There is no "you made me..." today. We're both looking at it from the perspective of what's best for the family, the marriage, and understand that we each have our own filters that we gague that with.



He didn't descibe one when I asked.


I would like to accomplish more in my career, more with my kids, and I have personal self-improvement goals, but I can do that either place.



I do understand that this is not without importance. Our difficulty was that we were faced with two beautiful places full of opportunity.


Wow, LA, I can imagine how difficult that would be. In Florida, California, you can get to a more beautiful place with less cost by undertaking a nasty commute <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I know where those fears come, from those hard days.


For H and I both, for the four of us, home has always been South Florida.



LA, thank you so much for putting this in perspective. It helped me when I spoke with DD11, that when it is time; we will know. We all four of us together decided to go back home.


That really was where we found the answers. Thanks for helping with the questions. We met with the MC yesterday, too, and she asked a lot of similar questions. It has helped and I think will help with all the second guessing to come <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

EO,

Thank you for listening to me...even when I wander, am vague, not clear. I appreciate you very much.

Now that you've decided as a family to move back to SoFla...would consider H doing a lot of the packing, the planning, the functional stuff? Which would mean you not taking over, doing what isn't getting done...setting your boundaries so that you aren't in the way of consequences...noticing any urges to justify, etc. Being a teammate to your partner...practice...not perfection.

And in this journey of returning...use the time to find out deepest desires, goals, payoffs false and real...

Keep those healthy boundaries around your marriage, even with your relatives...I think that was a part of this...which changed an outcome...and that's your awareness and commitment...and your H choosing to believe in you.

I believe he does.

I know I do.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Share your understanding of your own expectations and your H's, as he shares. The return to SoCal moving for DD11...think now of at what point...when she gets one job...her third...a string of them? Can't know all of it...can set the perimeter, though, can't you, through POJA?

How are you doing with your O&H statements, btw? I haven't asked for those weather reports in a long while.

(((((EO))))))

I love how you saw your own goals were not set in a where you are...all inside...please consider this may also have been part of your previous decisions to move, move, move...because you know you're taking what is most precious with you...won't impair your own goals...and you're open to wonders, inside and out.

Because you are one.

LA

P.S. Guess I didn't share an important part of my own filter...here goes: Order of my most feared things in life are...#1 Moving, #2 Death, #3 Taxes.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, LA, I love appreciation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And I appreciate you, too, with all these questions, instead of advice. It's just what I needed!



H packed up alll morning, since I was working, and he's on vacation. And he got the plane tickets, we're leaving tomorrow afternoon. I told you we left this 'till last minute! We were renting a furnished place, so fortunately that's all there is left to do. Oh, and getting our mail redirected. But yes, this whole thing has been a HUGE exercise in teamwork!



This has been such an O&H time for us, getting us working in a different mode. Such a test for me every day in trying to regain trust, learning to believe that I really do have all the information that I need, today.



Thanks for the vote of confidence! I shared this with H, and he says that i have been protecting him there, and that he knows I will continue to, too.



We POJA'd when we want to look at this again, in December we'll discuss whether we want to come back for pilot season.

And my weather report is that I see a heat wave coming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I still have a lot of fear about all of the uncertainty, but I have faith that there is a plan, and like Hold says, I can handle it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm so mad I woke up in the middle of the night. I've told you all before about how my H sends the girls over to my alcoholic neighbors' house. I mean to the point that my other neighbors tell me not to let the girls go over there as the woman is passed out before dark. Not to mention all the dysfunctional drug-addicted child-beating relatives and "friends" of theirs who go hang out over there. I have told the three of them, H, DD11, and DD6 at least a dozen times that the girls are not to play inside their house. I have even tried to POJA that the kids can a) play in the street or b) go if H goes to supervise. The neighbor's kid is over here all the time to play, and gets insulted that my girls don't play there. I'm sorry for the little girl, but that's not something I can fix for her.

Every time I go get the kids and explain that this is not to happen again. That N7 can play here. We have been back home 4 days, N7 has been over twice already, and DD11 asks H behind my back if she and DD6 can go over there, and he says yes. After a few minutes, I realize the kids are no longer in the back yard, and ask H where they are, and he says at N7's house. I go over to get the girls; the mom is wasted, but at least no "strangers" are over today.

At dinner, I tell the girls that they know they are not allowed to go over there. DD11 says, but I asked Daddy. I told her we've already been through this, that you don't do something that bothers me just because Daddy says it's okay. I want to give them a severe punishment, but H says that undermines his authority. I told him that he undermines his own authority by not respecting my difference of opinion. That I look forward to the day that he will respect my opinion even when he doesn't agree. I am so sick of this. I don't know if I posted when H took the girls over his drinking buddy's house with their own creepier neighbors without telling me because he knew I didn't want them over there without me to supervise when I went out of town to my Grandpa's funeral earlier this year.

I am so sick of this. I want to know how I can get effective boundaries around these kids without making their dad feel like an incompetent. I want to know how I can keep this love bank bucket from being kicked over again and again.

You have no control whether your H feels incompetent or wrong. What you have is a broken agreement...which calls for POJA again...

What did your POJA include last time?

And what boundary enforcements did you guys agree on?

Don't underestimate your DDs...they can wait to ask when their father is in the middle of something...they can sandwich it in between four other questions requiring yes answers...they are creative. They can wait and gauge his energy level, wait until it's low...or on the phone...

Remember? We were girls.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(And yes, my boys did this, also.)

There's something more to this...your angry, sleepless night is a signal...what's at the root of your DDs wanting to violate the rule?

Why does this little girl want the girls over rather than come over herself? Has she said why? Feeling in debt...has toys which she isn't allowed to take out of her house? What? I ask because I didn't have a home to have friends over in with my stepmother. I did prior to that. And not, now that I think about it.

When I solely played at one neighbor's house, it was fine...I didn't resent not having her over to my house...I loved being at her house. Same with the rest of my friends. So I'm wondering why here, first.

Ask to know. Yeah, GF7 may be limited in how she answers...she knows your boundary...find out the lure to cross it by inviting DDs over...

Welcome home, btw.

LOL

Do you feel any guilt for not calling CPS to examine your neighbors home? Does that feel like none of your business, a betrayal or retaliation in anyway?

LA

LA, thanks so much for answering! I have talked to my friends about this over the years, and none of them understand why I allow this stuff to go on for one minute. They would put a permanent stop the girls from playing altogether. But I know what it's like to have a dysfunctional home and want to get out of it, even if for a few hours. But I am thinking that if that's what it's ging to take to get my kids out of that situation, then I'm ready to burn that bridge.

GF7's mom has told me many times that her two daughters are sad that they always have to play over here. Her older 13 year old daughter refuses to come over here. She said that her husband resents it, too. GF7 has better toys, and gets in trouble with her parents when she leaves them over here. I think some O&H and seeking to understand with her, like you suggest, and her mom may go a long way. Very, very difficult. I wish Happy were here, she was always so brave with that stuff!

LA, hearing your question, yes, this is a situation I should have reported long ago. They are embroiled in a bitter divorce right now, barely hanging on, and I would imagine that like with LoBoy that an anonymous tip resulting in a visit is something that would be especially painful right now. I know several kids that age in similar and worse situations, and I haven't made peace with being willing to call yet. Yes, calling would feel like a betrayal, although that is my fear talking.

We never had an agreement. I tried to negotiate towards one. H has great fear that D11 doesn't play with other kids outside of DD6 enough. Even though we had DD6's godsister over Monday and Tuesday, and GF7 and another N7 Tuesday and yesterday.

I am blown away that he was willing to do this to me again yesterday. Again, not a reasonable expectation. I know we have no two-sided Rule of Protection in place. I set up boundaries as best I can, and I think I do a good job most of the time.

But I hate this man when he does this stuff again and again. I lose all respect for him. All hope for a happy life with him. Basically I see the best case as protecting myself and the kids as best I can. I guess that's the Wall that Larry talks about. Then we go through this cycle again and again. Rocks in a River. Choosing to love. When it's good, I think I can maintain it for a lifetime. Right now, I don't have that faith in myself.

I have to conciuosly change my thoughts. I know from experience that this gets easier with time. But every time I see him, I wish he'd just drop dead. Then I catch it, and change that thought, and replace it with, we can create a happy ife together. It takes some time to let that sink in.

I am angry with myself for thinking like this. To wish him harm. I wish those thoughts would never even cross my mind. There are a lot of great things about him, and I'm not strong enough with my focus to keep thinking about that.

Oh, EO...I just lost this huge post...oh, my. I can't quite believe it...I highlighted it, Ctrl-C...and then refreshed your thread to paste...and no paste.

Didn't copy.

Crud, crud, crud.

I'm gonna take a break now.

LA

LA, I'm sorry I missed your post, but glad that I'm not alone. To be honest, LA, I feel guilty posting what feels to me like the same stuff, different day, when there are other posters who actually are going to be able to dig out of their situations in a lasting way. Instead of cycling and cycling. It does get easier than it's been. I'm glad that I have tools and support.

It just scared me, the thoughts I've been having about H. Taking away my permission to act on them in small ways, taking jabs back, I notice my thoughts more.

Oh EO, I am so sorry to hear about this problem with H letting your girls go over to a house you feel is inappropriate. I don't think I'd be handling it as well as you... you shouldn't beat yourself up for your feelings. I'm all for protecting lil ones first and foremost... if us screwed-up grownups can't get our own acts together, the least we can do is try to not let it spill over to hurt the kids, as much as possible.

What I think I mean is, while trying my best to follow the MB principles to build a healthy M and provide a happy safe home life for my kids, I will suspend those principles if I feel I need to, to protect my kids.

I'm not saying that's the best way. It's just as good as I can do now. I don't have things figured out better than that.

LA sounds very skilled in handling things wisely and maturely. I wish I could offer such sage advice, but I'm not as even-headed. You also give calming sage advice to others. I know you have it in you to handle this wisely. I really respect you for still wanting to deal with H respectfully even while he isn't respecting your wishes concerning the girls' safety.

I don't know what to do if he won't POJA a way to deal with N7. I'm trying to imagine myself in that situation, and maybe because I can imagine it, is why I can't give calm, wise advice.

When you feel guilty about thinking bad thoughts toward H, could this just be your anger, which is a feeling that isn't right or wrong, but just is? I think you must have tremendous willpower if you are not taking jabs at H when you are angry over something that seems as justified as your children's safety. I think you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling angry. Do you think some O&H about your anger would be good?

Sometimes when I think H is not being as protective as I think he should, I remind myself to let him be a father, not a mother. And then I close my eyes as he lets them experience the real world, instead of keeping them safe inside the cave where I'd like them to stay. I'm thinking mainly things like riding bikes on steep hills (literally, I close my eyes!), so I'm not sure it fits your sitch, but maybe it's worth asking: is this a sitch that a mom would think is bad, but a more-laid-back dad might think, well it isn't the best but it isn't too bad? Just asking - it may not fit at all, and plus, maybe H is too laid back anyway.

What to do if he won't POJA... I guess if you don't reach an agreeable solution, then you are supposed to do nothing... which could be interpreted as, the girls don't go over to N7's house. But without H's agreement to follow the POJA, you can't force him to enforce a rule you believe in but he doesn't.

Is there a reason he doesn't believe in keeping the girls from the neighbor's? Could it be he doesn't want to see anything wrong with the drinking?

If he doesn't want you to undermine his authority, does he not see that he first undermined your authority, creating a sitch where you must either go back on what you said initially, or go against what he said later? Or, did he do it because he never agreed to what you said initially?

It sounds like IB - he's going to do whatever he wants, regardless of how you feel. My H sometimes does the same thing with the kids and the rules... come to think of it, sometimes I do it also. Of course, the best thing is to POJA these child-rearing issues beforehand. But what to do when H and W simply disagree, and one or the other doesn't agree to POJA? I don't know.

(((ears))) I can imagine how torn you must feel. Of course you want to protect your kids, and of course you would feel angry at anyone who seems to sabotage your protection. I hope either he begins to honor your concerns, or you can think of some compromise that will keep your kids out of harm's way.

EO,

I hear your guilt and your fear...comes with highest honesty, doesn't it? Did you feel guilt for having those thoughts, dwelling in them or in the sharing of them?

In the long, long post I lost, I went through what you really belief...to clear the lines in regards to boundaries with N7 and H. I don't think I got clear, but I thought today, with shorter posts, we could work our way there...

Is the belief behind your boundary, "I don't want my children having unsupervised play"? Is the "universal" belief behind that "Children shouldn't be unsupervised at any time"? And/Or "Children who aren't supervised will be harmed for life"?

How about in regards to H? "My H should support (be on my side) my rule in regards to our children"? Going behind that to universal..."Husbands and wives parent together. They support each other's boundaries."

I remember seeing two separate rules broken here...that DD asked to violate your rule, and the rule that your H doesn't go against your rules...am I close?

I was looking for clarity on the incident...not to solve...to learn from...for that great POJA meeting to come.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Jayne, LA, thanks so much for being here. Jayne, I hope I didn't offend you last week, painting with the brush I had in hand.



I've had a lot of help! So sometimes I get tripped up expecting to be further along. Only today I remembered when you reminded me that self isn't good or bad, it just is. I need to separate my thoughts from my actions. Some of my actions may need amends, but for thoughts, tracing them and checking to see if they're real and see what I want to replace them with is the plan I want to take with them.



Thanks for touching on this. I have two sets of beliefs that I juggle as best as I can. I hope you don't mind if I use some of your words, but they explain what I'm thinking really well.

1) The best way I can honor my kids is to create a gret marriage with their Dad. Like you said, by trying my best to follow the MB principles to build a healthy M and provide a happy safe home life for my kids.

2) Get everybody safe first, and then take a breath and look at what's going on. Like you said, I will suspend those principles if I feel I need to, to protect my kids.


I've been working on this for a long time, and I came to the same conclusions.


Yes, LA, you're awesome! Jayne, I think you're really even-headed, too, to take such great care of 5 year old twins by yourself so much of the year.

You know that quote, I need serenity, and I need it NOW? There are times that I don't post about the issues I'm having, and give it a few days to calm down on its own, but stuff just seems to continue to escalate and escalate to where I have trouble being the calm one.


Thanks, but that's really the only option left. I have been extremely disrespectful over the years. But what we allow ourselves to do to ourselves, we will do to others, and vice versa. If I start judging him, I lose my ability to negotiate fairly. To find a solution. They even say that in the intro at Alanon, "our thinking becomes distorted trying to foce solutions." So getting back to where I feel respect and forgiveness for H is the only way I know back to being healthy and happy again. Which is why it distresses me so badly when I lose that.

You guys have me back on the right track, and I want to continue exploring the rest, but I have some errands I just realized I've got to finish TODAY..... I'll be back.

I really needed to hear this. I need to be able to forgive myself, too, to accept that this is where H and I still are, today. I want to stop looking at this as a path that we're either moving forward on, or it doesn't count. LA told me long ago that presence matters. This all matters, even when it isn't going how I want it to, today.

H tries to shut me down when I try to share my O&H, so I have been sharing my feelings in an drive by way, and it helps me to know I have choices. I can't be shut down, shut out.

Thanks for sharing about a father's perspective compared to a mother's. I will try to keep that in mind. My H is very protective of the girls in a lot of ways, that is one of the things that I like about him. But like you said, with the physical stunts, like on a bike, he does let DD11 take chances that make me wince. DD6 is naturally cautious, so she doesn't take chances that bother me.

But no, I don't think this is a father/mother issue.


That's what I think it is, that when he grew up kids were exposed to a lot of drinking and its consequences, like passing out, so he doesn't see a need to protect our kids from that. He also expresses anxiety that my restriction impedes the kids from floating from house to house the way he did when he was a kid.


He has agreed at times in the past, and disagreed at others. He said the other day that once in a while for just a few minutes is okay.


I did try to POJA this after the last encounter last year, but we didn't come to an agreement, so I left it with the girls that they know not to go until we come to a family agreement on it.

Thanks for the good thoughts!

I should preface this by saying that I'm not proud of my actions tonight. We have no POJA on the drinking, and he's hostile enough against me already, throwing cheap shots all day. I usually leave for the evening, but I'm not enthusiastic about assuming that I'm the one who has to leave by default anymore. This is my house, too, and he's getting better at leaving himself when he gets heated. He was in the habit of hiding the chips that I bought at our last place, because he wasn't enthusiastic about them in the house. So fair is fair, I hid the beer he didn't think I saw him sneak into my trunk while we were out running errands. That's probably a lousy thing to do, to drive him out of the house to get some booze. I can tell by the way I need to justify it! It was the best I came up with on short notice.

I checked my intent, and it wasn't pure, and I'm trying to clarify it. He's been telling me all day that he's had enough of me and I'm almost hoping he'll find this to be a last straw of some sort and go away until he's ready to stop being hostile. There are more honest ways to ask for space, or to create space myself.


I felt guilt that this is part of who I am. I don't think most folks think things like that about their spouses. Even if they say them. I've never read anyone post that, that they wish their spouse woud drop dead. I traced it back, and it was from when I was a ttenager, with an abusive stepfather who threatened my mom that he'd find her if she left. In that situation, wishing him dead is the only out I could think of. But there are many more options today, like taking a time out when things escalate to where I don't know how to handle it.

Sorry I wasn't here for the shorter posts! School starts Monday, and I am trying to get all the supplies and uniforms ready. To create some peace, reduce the stress for Monday.

The belief behind my boundary is that my kids are exposed to enough problem drinking outside of my control. So my belief is that I'll protect them from having to see problem drinking that IS within my control. Thanks for helping me clarify that, because being supervised wouldn't change that a whole lot, it would only allow me to quickly remove the kids if need be after the fact. Principles above personalities.

LA, really, I just don't want my kids to see people they respect passed out drunk, and think that's normal. I don't consider that normal. That's not a principle I want to pass down to them.



That's exactly the nelief that I have, that parents are a unit, parent together, and support each other's boundaries. That's why H's rules about food concern me so much, because in enforcing them I have to watch the signals I give the girls.


Those are two, but another for me is Rule Of Protection, that we don't do things that hurt the other. And both DD11 and H did that.


I'll tryin to experience this that way, too, as a growth opportunity. H just walked in, so I guess this wasn't a last straw. I'll have to be proactive about getting the space I need. I'm glad I spent some time here on the board. I feel good and I can go be alone until I'm ready to step out in love again.

Highest honesty, O&H, includes a lot of positives, too. It would be denial to not let that in. I've been doing drive-by O&H about the positive stuff, too, like how he straightens up and still makes us coffee in the morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He's also done a ton of decluttering this week, even getting the kids to participate in cleaning out their toy room and unloading the found treasures at Goodwill. My favorite was a bouncy ball with a handle for a preschooler to sit and bounce on. DD6 loved that when she was little <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />