Hi again all,

I posted last week and I got some responses, but I'm still confused about what to do.

My WW got me frustrated with the fog before I found this website and I've moved out temporarily. Of course she says she thinks this separation is a good thing and that she needs her "space" and needs time to "sort things out".

Everyone was telling me last week to move back in ASAP! They said that space = affair. Today I received SAA in the mail and it said that the need to "sort things out" = affair with soulmate. As everyone was telling me last week, it's like they are reading what they're saying off of a script (the cheater's handbook). It's actually word for word.

Today, since I'm off work recovering from eye surgery, I went to our home to pick up my mail (I can finally drive now). My WW works, so of course I took the opportunity to do some BS snooping. In her underwear drawer I discovered a new sexy bra that had some type of frilly threads coming out of the top edge of the cups. I also saw some kind of a one piece white camosol half body suit type of cotton garment that had snaps for the crotch area. I've never seen either of these in my life. She also had what appeared to be a new top out in plain sight that bad a low cut v-neck with a lace under garment coming across the lower chest area so that she could potentially show as much cleavage as she wanted. Don't ever remember seeing that one either.

She said she wasn't going to see him anymore on March 10, but now I'm thinking back and there are a few suspicious things that have gone on. Those, combined with today's discovery, tend to remind me of what I was seeing pre D-Day as the circumstantial evidence mounted.

I will feel extremely betrayed doubly now because she said she wants to be friends with me and she won't commit to working on imporoving the marriage even though she agreed to go to marriage counseling. Then, she agreed to go on a dinner "date" with me two days ago for the first time since I moved out two weeks ago.

After dinner, we went out to our cars and I asked her for a french kiss just like we did on our first date 35 years ago. She said okay, but don't expect anything (whatever that means, maybe anything more than that???).

After today, I'm am very suspicious that she's never broken off the 8 month affair with this 23 year old young man. I think she might be totally and completely addicted to where she's just doing the fence-sitting cake-eater deal and doesn't care how badly she hurts me to get what she thinks she needs right now.

I have done a pretty good but brief plan A in that I've recovered from the depression in me that she was coping with for many years and I couldn't be there to meet her needs. I've changed so many of my behaviors---everything on her with list that she wanted to see changed in me. Yet she still says she doesn't know if she wants the marriage. I realize she's in the fog most likely.

But, at this point, if she is indeed still seeing him, she will have triply deceived me. Also, when we started the marriage counseling at the end of March, the counselor asked my WW if the third party was out of the picture. The counselor said if he wasn't, then she wouldn't be able to work with us. My WW answered that he was out of the picture. I think my Love Bank for my WW will be almost on empty and drifting toward the despise and hate mode if I can prove my current suspicions.

I have ordered a GPS to plant in her car to try to get definitive proof. It should be here tomorrow.

I don't think I can go back to continue plan A if it's true that she's still seeing him. I think I'll be forced to go Plan B because I don't want to hate her. If the affair peters out and she finds her way back to me, it's going to be a tough call for me although I really thought things could work out before these current suspicions popped up.

Any words of advice gang?

You know the answers to your questions. Listen to your gut. She wants the space to continue this affair with the OM. No, it probably never stopped, they've probably been seeing each other all along. Moving out only made it easier for her.

If you want to keep trying to save your marriage, move back in. Simple as that. Other steps will follow, but that is the first.

What have you found out about the OM? You'll want to expose him if you haven't already. I'm talking parents, wife or girlfriend, workplace.

I know how devastating and frustrating it can be to ride this rollercoaster, but think carefully before you decide to let the affair putter out. That can take years. Plan A and exposure while AT HOME will give you much better odds.

Good luck.

A voice activated digital voice recorder hidden in her car and your house (bedroom) will likely give you much more valuable information than the GPS device. Radio Shack. Since you are not in the home and the batteries last only a day or so you may want to get the plug adapter, extension cord, a mic cord and proceed to the attic. Run the extension from an attic outlet to above the bedroom. Run the mic down into the ductwork. Bingo. Secure remote battery free recording for hours and hours.

Your wife is addicted. You should have known the affair was going to continue. We all made mistakes. Take a few days to regroup before deciding to definetly go to Plan B. The better your Plan A the more effective your Plan B. Plus you can gather more intelligence in Plan A than Plan B.

BTW, listening to the tape recordings will be disturbing however, I found them encouraging in the simple fact I could hear what bullcrap the relationship was. How they sat and lied to each other over and over and merely fed into each others ego's. It was apparent they were not "soulmates" from the get go. Our OM was 750 miles away though. I don't think I'd like hearing a sexual liason on tape (maybe the bedroom taping's not the best idea...try the kitchen or family room, whereever she'll sit on the phone with her best friend that's in the know or OM).

Mr. Wondering

Further, it is the general consensus that you can't do Plan B until you've exposed in Plan A.

Have you exposed?

To whom?

Do you have kids?

W

Ya know. If you have access to the house like that, why not just buy a couple voice activated recorders and hook one up to the phone line, and another hidden near the bed? Of course you shouldn't need the second one, though, because you should be LIVING AT HOME.

Radio Shack has a little gizmo that feeds the audio from an unused phone jack into the recorder. You can get the whole setup including recorder for about 40 bucks.

Have only exposed to some of my family members; parents, sisters. We have two grown sons one of whom is still in the home. I don't think she would dare bring the OM there. They both don't know anything yet except we're having problems, obviously.

There are other problems besides just the EA. She is drinking a 750ml bottle of wine a night on average. She has gambled away $2,000 in the last two weeks (her money, not mine). She also has shopping issues. I think she is self-desstructing and I'm very worried about her.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to expose myself to her downward spiral.

Please give some more feedback based on this info if you can.

Thanks.

The OM is supposedly unmarried, 23, latino, good looking, and has a young son who lives in another town with son's mother. His is supposedly not on good terms with the mother. He lives in our town with HIS mother and brother, I think. His English isn't very good. That's how my WW met him...she volunteered to tutor at the library and he was her student. I couldn't believe it.

I could move back in, but she conducted the affair right under my nose both before D-Day and now most likely after D-Day. How is moving back in going to stop her??? She has every excuse in the book to get out of the house. And, of course, she says she DOESN'T want to have to report her every move to me.

My pain is increasing.

WW has also shown zero remorse, has no empathy for me, no consideration, is rewriting marital history, is not sharing things she is doing with me, doesn't want SF with me, has been verbally abusive, doesn't want to share details of the EA with me, doesn't want to have to explain her decisions to me, yet wants to meet for dinner once in a while.

Is she stringing me along? Giving crumbs while she goes through the buffet line?