I've been reading posts here for sometime now but just didn't have the heart to post yet. I'm a BS and now trying to recover from my H's affair. We've been married for 16 years with three kids. I found out about the OW in Feb.2005. H asked about where we stood in our relationship. I was surprised because I didn't think we had a problem. He told me he felt unattended and accused me of "entertaining" someone else. I told him I wasn’t seeing anybody and that I was just busy in school (i'll be graduating from nursing school in 3 weeks). In my gut, I knew that something was wrong and felt that he wasn't giving me the whole story. By the end of the evening, he finally admitted that he's been talking to someone about his feelings. I asked him how he felt about this person and told me that she was just a friend. A week later, he told me that he did have feelings for her and vice versa but there was nothing going on between them. I was devastated. Nonetheless, I told him that I will try my best to give him the attention he needed and work on our marriage. He agreed to stop talking to her and I believed it. I was so stupid to buy into the "it's your fault, that's why this is happening". My husband is a wonderful person and it was a total shock for me that he could do something like this. But unfortunately, the OW bacame his addiction.

In March, I found out from his bank statement that he sent her flowers for Valentine ’s Day. He purchased this online and I read his message which contained the word “I love you”. He said sorry and was even tearful and promised that he would stop talking to her. I gave him another chance until the next month where I found out messages in his cellphone. I told him I want to let him go but he wouldn't leave. Again, very apologetic and again I bought into it because I really didn't want our marriage to end because I was still in love with him and I didn't want my children to suffer.

I finally stopped questioning him about his weird actions; biking during rain and at night, going to work on weekends, coming home late, keeping his cellphone and wallet in different places. I couldn't really do anything about it because I was busy in school and pregnant (unplanned) at the same time. I was in denial too because the OW lived 300 miles away.

Finally on Christmas day 2005, he accessed his email and left it open. I found everything in it; messages that proved they did not stop the affair and messages confirming details that they have been physically intimate. I found so many pictures of them from beautiful places. I even found pictures OW sent him from her webcam that were too nasty to say. We had a heart to heart talk and he cried that he had put me through this pain. I told him that this time, it's his call and that I want him to choose now because I don't want to be deceived anymore and would rather lose him than to continue all this. He did choose us because we’re still together. He also told me that he had a revelation after watching a Christian station where there was a story of a woman who had an affair. He said her story opened his eyes to the pain he has caused me.

Here’s my dilemma. Everytime I try to get close to him, all I see in my mind are the pictures I’ve seen. The pain keeps on resurfacing even if I try to repress it. I couldn’t trust him anymore either. Everytime he goes somewhere I automatically think that he’s trying to call her. I know that they did end the relationship but how am I suppose to know if they resumed it? How can I be sure if he has lied to me so many times. I do know that they still talk to each other. I just couldn’t understand why he will not cut the ties altogether. I couldn’t ask him why though because he will just lie to me and tell me that they don’t talk anymore. I’m actually getting frustrated about this and I know that I don’t love him anymore the way I used to. I actually feel some hate towards him and I’m afraid that my anger will eat me up. I am so stressed and I just don’t know what to do. A part of me wants out of the marriage but the other part wants to stay. I’m torn and I don’t know if there’s still hope for us. Sorry this is so long but I just don’t have anyone else to turn to. Can somebody help?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. If you have been reading here, you know that he can have no contact ever again with the other woman for any reason. Otherwise you and your marriage will never recover.

Ask if he would be willing to write a no contact letter to her which you approve and mail. It should say that the relationship was a mistake, he loves you, and wants to work on his marriage, and that he wants no contact from her ever again for any reason.

Is she married?

By the way, congratulations on being almost done with nursing school.

Hi believer! Thanks for responding. I too believe that there should not be any contact between them and I have stated this to my husband quite a few times. He would always tell me that they don't have contact anymore and yet I would find out that they still do.

I actually was able to monitor their email messages for a while after I found out about the whole truth in December. They broke off their relationship 2 days after christmas and there wasn't any contact for about a month. Then on Valentine's day, the OW sent him those "just dropped by to say hi" greetings. They started talking again because she wanted him back. She is head over heels in love with my H and she's almost desperate in all of her messages to him. The ironic part is she's divorced with a 9yr. old boy. She apparently left her H because he cheated on her. She knew from day 1 my H was married. Anyway, I got tired checking messages so I told my H that I knew about the messages. He told me there's nothing between them anymore and that they've stopped talking. I cannot check their email anymore because he changed the password. I know in my gut though that they're still talking.

My nursing graduation is one good thing i'm actually looking forward to.

If he wants to have any kind of marriage recovery, he needs to be transparent, account for his time away, provide his passwords, and be an open book.

Are you still pregnant?

I had a baby girl on Jan. 18th on my first day back for my OB rotation. I took just a week off and went back to school and clinical right away. Even if I wanted to rest and take time off for my baby, I couldn't do it. I wanted to have the security of having a career because i'm not really sure what's going to happen with our marriage.

H won't go for an open book policy. He has too many alibis. I'm confused because I try not bring the past back because I know it's a love buster but then he's not honest with me anyway.

Cloudy, if you want to salvage your marriage, you're in the right place. It will take a lot of hard work, a goodly amount of sacrifice, and a lot of patience. If you're ready to do that, MB principles can help you through the tough times and beyond to a stronger marriage than you had before your husband's adultery.

There's no guarantee, don't assume that, but you have a good chance to accomplish all this with MB. There is almost no chance if you let it be swept under the carpet. Things do not get better if they are ignored and left to fester.

You will change and your husband will surely have to change, but it can be done. Is this what you want? Will you be in this for the long haul?

Congratulations on your little one. It sounds like you are really a strong woman.

By the way, is the other woman married?

Stick with us. You need to post and read more here. We need to get you more in the driver's seat. But it may take a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, stay in Plan A.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone?

I'm glad you moved your post here. You will get more action. Did you read the WATS quickstart information on the just found out?

Congrats on your little one. We are a family with all kind of ties to medicine so I truly respect your ability to get back into it all so quickly. If you can do that, I just bet you can do the hard work of recovering your marriage. That new bundle of joy should be a great motivator! If your marriage is not saved, you will know you did all you could for your child to be raised in a happy two parent environment. I think you will find that you can love him again. Him establishing NO CONTACT and showing true remorse and starting to work at it will help bring those feelings back.

I really do want to salvage our marriage that's why i'm still here. I've been suffering for over a year now since he told me about his feelings back in 2/05. I have been very patient but sometimes the pain is so tremendous that I just feel like giving up. It's so hard to forget because there are so many things that trigger my emotions and bring up images of them in my head.

I do not want this swept under the carpet but that's exactly what he wants. Yes, he's been remorseful but only when I find something out. After a few days, he'll bounce back and act like nothing happened. He even said he thought everything's ok now.

Thanks! The OW is divorced. She left her husband who cheated on her. OW lives in San Diego. My H went there in 9/04 to visit his sick grandma. OW worked as a receptionist at the nursing home. They were introduced because OW is related to the wife of my husband's cousin. I found out later from the cousin that they knew they were talking but didn't think of an affair. My H told them that he just wanted some advice from a female that's why he contacted her. That's how it all started. She knew from that beginning he was married.

I told his family about the affair and they were supportive in the beginning. My H told them he stopped the affair and they believed him. I didn't contact them anymore even after I confirmed everything on Christmas day because they will just take his side anyway. Some of my family members knew too and they're all very supportive of me.

I actually texted OW to see what would happen. I said that I wonder what her family will do if they find out about her being a homewrecker. She forwarded this to my husband and he got mad at me although he didn't admit it. I really want her family and friends to know but I'm afraid that it will just make them closer and my H and I torn.

gem *more positve then cloudy*

Unfortunately you are not alone.

Of course he wants to sweep it under the rug. All WS do.

I am almost 3 years from the start of her A and over 2 and a half years since D Day and I still do not know the truth.
Radical Honesty is necessary to move on. Rememer one thing the gory details will haunt you so be careful about what you really need to know. I do not care to know about what happened in the bedroom. I know those pictures will do more harm than good.

As far as the images popping into your head that is normal. It is like any traumatic experience we have in our lives. Sometimes out of the blue they are there again. The further you get from the trauma the less triggers there will be.

I went to lunch yesterday with two of the guys I work with that do not know about my FWW's A. There was a 15 minute conversation regarding what they would do if their wife had an A. Of course I went along with the macho talk. I would leave her, I would beat the cr?? out of him. Then the entire conversation of why a women would do that. Husband has a little penis, not good in bed etc.

I finally got to sleep at about 3am when exhaustion finally set in.

Now everytime I bring up Radical Honesty we have a small conversation then in order to avoid the rest of the conversation there is the Bounce back you are talking about. Like nothing happened. Its like having a large elephant in the living room and they want to act like it isn't there.

My FWW is remorseful as well when I find something out but no sooner. You probably hear that you are dwelling on the past etc. Normal as well. I keep telling my FWW that I am not dwelling on the past I am dwelling on the truth. If I get the truth and I am still dwelling on the past and I cannot move forward then at least you can know that you gave me what I wanted and needed to try to get past it. We can both walk out knowing mistakes have happened and I am just not a big enough person to move forward. I think you would want to know if I am willing to try based on the truth not on a lie.

I hope this helps keep your head up.

Hi March! I've always wanted to be a nurse and my goal is to graduate before I turn 36 (i'm 35 now). I sometimes blame this because he said since I returned to school I have been very busy and didn't have time for him anymore. I actually changed my studying habits to accommodate him. I would study in the family room with him and the kids with the TV on just to fulfill his needs. Even if I wanted to read more, I would go to bed when he goes. But when everything came to light, I figured it wasn't my school. I'm glad I got through all the classes without failing. The RN program I'm in started with 80 people and only 42 of us will be graduating. When I came back to clinical after I had the baby, the doctors and instructors called me superwoman. If only they knew what kind of emotional wreck I'm in. My school became my diversion from my tortured mental state.

I'm really trying my hardest to save our marriage. I have swallowed so much pride already but i'm doing this for my children. I do not want them to grow up in a broken family. However, I know too that staying in a bad relationship is not healthy for everyone around. I still love my husband although not as strongly as before. I'm at a point where sometimes I love him and sometimes I hate him. Just depending on my mood.

Okay, Cloudy, your first post was a little ambivalent right at the end so I thought I’d make sure you are committed to getting your marriage back on track. If you are, you can do it. It’s not guaranteed, but MB gives you your best chance.

You need a plan…a strategy to make this happen. That strategy is found in Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. If you apply the principles and techniques from SAA, you can come out the other side of this tragedy with an intact, stronger marriage than you had before your husband’s adultery. Cloudy, if you do not have SAA already, order it as soon as you can. When you get it, study it. Don’t just read it. Study it hard to learn everything you can about Dr. Harley’s clinically proven procedure.

You must assure yourself your husband has actually broken off the relationship. Snooping is a good thing in a wounded relationship. As you will read in SAA, your husband needs to agree to radical honesty. He can't have passwords that you don't know to his email, cell phone, IM, or any other device/software. You should check frequently.

As a part of that radical honesty, he must also answer any question you ask about the adultery as best he can. He cannot evade a question, lie, or refuse to answer because he thinks the answer might hurt you. He can't do that, period. Conversely, you can't ask questions you aren't sure you're ready to get answers to.

You need to find a pro-marriage counselor who has experience in counseling couples who have experienced infidelity in their relationship. You and your husband need to explore what conditions existed in the marriage that allowed an adultery to happen and then resolve those issues.

As you go into that counseling, you need to understand nothing you did caused the adultery. Only your husband is responsible for that cruel, selfish decision. On the other hand, you might not have done all that you could to prevent the infidelity in your marriage.

Okay, this is enough to start with, Cloudy. Your first move is to get SAA and study it from cover to cover. Most of the first part of that book is already done, IF you are certain contact has been broken and your husband's adultery is not ongoing. You'll be able to go to the last half of the book and learn how about marital recovery.

Are you ready? Then get to work, Cloudy. You have a marriage to save.

Cloudygem...You are a superwoman and that's why you will succeed at this...by succeed, I mean you will do your part and therefore no matter the outcome, you'll have given your best. The choice was his and like Longhorn said you didn't cause it. Longhorn gave good advice...take it even if you're not a Texas fan!

I totally understand the love him/hate him thing. I jokingly told my FWH last night that I'd just like to squeeze his head like a big zit. No matter how much you loved him and still do the fact is something like this just hurts as bad as anything could. To me, it has been worse than what I've felt after the death of a loved one. When someone dies, most people know about your loss. In my case, most people don't so I just kind of feel like hardly no one really knows me anymore.

As for your nursing, I know how hard it is but you are right it is a good diversion. Just don't let it divert you from doing the work. My H is in his medical residency so he has little time but he has done what he can to read and start counseling. No matter how busy, you'll find a way.

I know how you feel about swallowing your pride but it does take that at times. I think most of us say we'd pull a Lorena Bobbitt if our H did this and when by the Grace of God we are able to respond differently, it is a little hard to fathom. The truth is many marriages have survived this so you are not alone.

Thanks years! Gem is my real name and cloudy is the state of mind i'm in. You can call me either way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're so right about this. The pictures of them together keeps on haunting me. I wish sometimes that I hadn't seen them but then I needed the truth either way. My WS won't give me the answers I needed because he said it would just hurt me.

What you've said were all true. I feel exactly the same. You're a great man and your wife is fortunate that you're still around. If I had the affair, i'm sure my husband would kick me out....such a double standard.

Trust me I always thought that if she had one I would kick her out or worse.

Truth is I love her. I want to sit next to her in a rocking chair and watch my grandkids run around.

They always say it will hurt us. Have you read Josephs letter? You should find it and read it it makes a lot of sense. Try giving it to your husband. It is posted on the message board.

The answers will hurt you alright but the time for him to be concerned with hurting you was before the A. I realize that I have always made the unknown out to be the worse case scenario. Sometimes the actual details were less horid then I thought they were. Gave me a piece of mind. If you want me to think the worse don't tell me what happened thats the cross you will then have to bear.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3009669

Here is the link to Josephs letter

Hi Longhorn! Thank you for your great advice and yes I am ready. I just purchased SAA and I can't wait to start learning from it.

About my H and the OW, I'm sure that they have broken off the relationship but I'm not sure if he has really stopped talking to her. Up until two weeks ago, they were still emailing each other. I know this because I installed a software on the comp. that allowed me to do this. I got upset when I saw the email and I contemplated whether I should tell him because I didn't want him to know that I'm still snooping. I finally told him I knew, so now I can't check anymore because he won't use the comp. anymore and he's changed all the passwords.

I will talk to him about the policy of Radical Honesty as soon as I get the book and understand it fully. My husband is very guarded and I don't know if he will go for it. I hope he does. By the way, do you know about Retrouvaille? I went to their website and they have a program coming up on June 2nd in San Francisco? I also want to go to marriage counseling but my husband refused. I will be checking out Steve Harley's telephone counseling too and see if I can afford it.

Again, thanks for the response.

Cloudy, if they are still in contact through any means, the affair is still ongoing. You may need to consider exposing the affair to people who can put pressure on the pair to stop. Your husband doesn't get to keep secrets from you. That's disrespectful. I think that's something that would need to change whether you were dealing with an adultery or not.

I'm sorry but I do not know anything about Retrouvaille but I've seen it discussed here on MB. Start a thread asking for info about it and you should get plenty of information.

If you can get to Steve Harley, your investment in time and money will be returned a thousand times.

Hang in there. The road will get bumpy and the car will sway from side to side for a long while before it straightens out.