we've been married for almost 4 years, right now im 25 and he is 27. we started dating when we were in college,, young love you could say. i was'nt ready to get married when he proposed, but i did'nt wanna lose him. so here we are. everything was going smoothly until tonight,,, after those years that we are always together doing everything, hanging out with married friends, spending time out of town together.. he told me he wanted to buy a golf club so he could play with his guy friends. i did'nt react at first, but i said "you cant buy it unless i could come with you".
he did'nt like the idea of me hanging out with his guy friends from work, and with the husband of my girlfriend. i was devastated when he said he needs sometime alone doing what he really wants, that he's not happy spending the weekends going out with our group of friends nor with me.. at least sometimes he could go out with out me...
i was hurt really bad,, especially that i never planned anything without him!!!!! he wants me to compromise with him.. atleast let him go once in a while.. but im not comfortable with that. i told myself, if he wants to do something with out me,, that means he doesnt think of me anymore, im afraid that he would enjoy it so much and wont be satisfied if he's with me. i love him but i still have some for myself.. this might be the end of our marriage.
help me please?

Dear imblue,

I was hoping a more experienced poster than I would respond to you, but I'd like to let you know that, in my opinion, it is healthy and normal for married couples to have interests apart from each other. While it is crucial that these interests do not monopolize or define the relationship, I think it is good to have time apart as individuals. It does not appear that anything is planned for these golf outings that would jeopardize your marriage. Perhaps your husband is feeling a bit smothered by your constant togetherness? Don't be afraid to develop yourself while he enjoys some time with friends of the same gender. I know how much I value my good woman friend and how much of a support she's always been to my marriage. Please don't allow insecurities to destroy your marriage. What logic is there in that? I would recommend reading His Needs Her Needs as a new start down this journey known as marriage.

Blessings,

MAzingrace

In the absence of anything suspicious (and wanting time without you is not suspicious) I wouldn't worry about it.

Social time without your spouse is healthy (providing that time alone doesn't involve one-on-ones with other members of your sex, which "can" lead to troubles...even then for some people that type of a relationship is not a threat to the marriage).

He just wants to golf. You need to find some interests that you can do without him. Exercise class? Lunch with girlfriends. Shopping? (men HATE that).

Then, after your time apart, you have something fresh to talk about with each other.

I suspect he is feeling smothered by you. There is a problem in this marriage IF that is how he perceives it. Work on that.

You know, maybe a session or two with a marriage counsellor might be in order. Consider it "preventative maintenance". If only all couples took stock of their problems, and dealt with them before they fester into something larger, ..then there would be more marriage "successes".

So, consider this your insecurities a wake-up call, and find a constructive way to deal with them.

Wishing you all the best.

Now, if there is more to the story you didn't mention (something that was truly suspicious) then share that with the board.

imblue,
I think you should explore some things inside you-- possible issues that need to be addressed by reading some books or visiting a councelor. The fear that someone won't think of you if they aren't with you always is unhealthy and probably falls into the category of co-dependency or fear of being alone.
Even the best of friends and lovers need some time away from each-other. Personally, as long as it's just a day or two, I find it always makes you appreciate each other more or gives you a chance to step back and view the relationship more objectively and maybe try to fix something that needs fixing. Your husband being away from you is not going to make him forget about you or want to leave you.
Like he says, I think a compromise would be best. Maybe every other weekend he could go golfing with his buddies and the other two weekends you guys could have a date and outing together.

I think the only lagitimate threats or conditions that should apply is:

1. Outing are with guy friends or co-workers only. If there are other wives present, then of course you should be able to go also.

2. They aren't going to places considered "pick up" spots such as clubs or bars. Going golfing is not a pick up spot.

3. They aren't staying out too late. Ideally, you'd want him home by sundown but no need to get too legalistic. Even 9 or 10pm is reasonable if it makes sense for the activity that he's doing.

I'd personally guage it on his openness. If he is eager to share details of what he did when he gets home... if he makes an effort to inform you where he'll be and when he expects to get home... the more he demonstrates openness, the more I'd not worry and send him off with a kiss and a smile. As part of your compromise, maybe you can talk about that--- behaviors that would make you feel more at ease. The goal is not to have him check in and make him feel caged. The goal is to put you at ease. And it's not all that hard to send a text message or keep your wife in the loop of what you're up to. I always told LU where I'd be and told her she was more than welcome to show up some time to varify that I was telling her the truth.

But I do think this is really your issue at this point in time.

I'm not being mean, but do you have any self esteem issues? His wanting to do stuff with the guys or on his own doesn't mean your marriage is over. He might want some space or he's feeling bored and wants to live a little.

When you guys go out, do you always go out with a group? Maybe that has him feeling closed in, especially if the group isn't his. My wife used to drag me out with her friends and after years of going I finally told her no, I'd rather stay home because we had nothing in common. That talk - which was honest - led to a lot of other changes.

In the past we'd go everywhere together. After that talk I'd go out with my work friends. We'd do road trips to computer shows, etc. She knew the guys and their spouses. She'd go to her business conferences without me, that didn't bother me at all. Now I go on a fall surf trip "with the guys" and she'll go visit her friends for a week. Do we think our marriage is ending? No, we're at a stage when we need to grow.

Some people are content spending every waking moment with their spousal unit, others aren't. My folks are like that, if Dad goes to the store Mom goes along. They're never more than 20' apart.

The only disagreements we've had were over the time we get away. I spend 3 weeks each year away in training (the town is 4 hours away). I book a 2 room suite so my wife and daughter (or mom and dad) can come visit and stay. I schedule these around time off from school so we have no conflicts. For my week off I spend it surfing. She goes to nursing conferences. There was a time when she was bitter about my having a week of fun while she "had" to sit through seminars. No, I get a week off. Am I going to Vegas for Networld or am I going surfing? She going go hiking with a friend or sit through this seminar that really serves her no good. I've made my choice. She can come on the surf trip (but doesn't) and I can do to her conferences (went once, lots of angry nurses so I quit going).

Take his time away to cultivate something for yourself. Get out of the house, making do some fitness or the arts. Use the time to build yourself, not to worry about the decline of things.

Good luck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />