Would like to get everyone's thoughts on who should pay for a D when an A was involved.

Personally, I feel like if a WS has an A, doesn't want to R, and wants a D, then the WS should pay the costs, attorneys fees, etc for the D. Now, if the WS becomes a FWS and things still don't work out, then I can see keeping it 50/50. I realize if this can't be negotiated, then it's probably 50/50 by default unless one spouse does not earn income outside the home (although any property settlement could be reduced for these costs).

I'm trying to keep an open mind, so I may change my opinion. Thanks

Well,in my case,my STBXWH and I negotiated after a loooong drawn out court/mediation struggle.In the end it was a big waste of time and money to go to respective lawyers versus just having one guide us along and mediate.But everything is settled now despite the fact that my H was the wayward.

In courts today,they just don't care about fidelity.If you go anything other than "no fault" it's just makes it all worse IMO.I don't think it's right but it's the way it is.Judges like to see that D'ing couples are handling things as much as they can on their own and that you understand what you agree to.

Also,we had a lot at stake,a lot of money,assests,expensive home,etc so if there is a lot to consider and children as well just be sure to be informed about your rights,state laws and see if you cannot work things out with your STBX.You can potentially save thousands of dollars by mediation.We did.Of course I believe that WS's should all pay big time! But in reality it doesn't always work that way.Not in my state anyway.North Carolina,I think, has laws that affect cheating spouses and OP.

My xH is the one that had the EA, he is the one that was not willing to try and heal the marriage and he is the one that wanted the divorce. So I let him pay for it, all of it, my bill was $2200 alone. I paid the lawyer off and the x had to make payments to me for another year.

I also got alimony, as I was not the one that wanted the divorce and we had chosen for me to stay home for 20 + years to raise our kids.

He also took all credit card debt. I walked with my car and it's payment.

We negotiated everything before we got to the lawyers, and then his lawyer messed everything up, this was the guy that said we could use just one lawyer and that we didn't both need to be represented. He the lawyer drug things out for 6 months, cost the x that much more for his lawyer and for mine.

Get your own lawyer that is interested in protecting you and your assests.

My x also has to pay for my life insurance til the youngest is 19, he has to maintain a policy of a certain $$$ amount on himself with only my kids listed. I also maintain a seperat policy on him so that if something where to happen to him I don't lose my alimony, child support or retirement.

I did not set out to stick it to this guy, that was not my intentions. I was protecting myself and my kids from something that I did not want to have happen to my marriage!!!!! Alot of things come up in life I tried to forsee some of those!!!!

Dawn

well, there is what we would like to see happen and then there is what state laws allow. at first i did not think i should have to pay for anything. he was the one out there spreading the love, not me. but, it takes two to make a marriage work and i know the things that i did that contributed to our demise. so.. i paid for the legal separation. i have a good lawyer and she is not cheap. he does not have a lawyer, although he may end up getting one i do not know. i told him he would have to pay for the divorce. i should not have to pay for both sep and divorce. and i am fairly certain he is going to do that. i have told him he can give me the money for it and my attorney will take care of the divorce. it will just be what is in the legal sep anyway, but he cannot file until one year after we signed sep papers because NY is a fault state. I have grounds, he does not. I can file anytime. So, in order to speed this process up, he can give the money and i will do the big d.

as far as grounds go... mine would be sexual abandonment and cruel and unusual treatment. infidelity is actually still a crime in NYS but is very hard to prove. i pretty much need pix of him in bed with ow while he still lived here type stuff. it is hard to get someone on adultery. but i have all my i's dotted and my t's crossed... trust me he doesn't want to go to court. GET YOUR OWN LAWYER, ONE LAWYER CANNOT BE IN BOTH OF YOUR BEST INTERESTS! my heart felt opinion. mine wanted to share a lawyer and i said NO WAY! I will get every thing and I mean everything I am entitled to under NYS law buddy so don't even go there.

I agree, if the spouse plays, he should pay. But... 9 times out of 10 you will see the bs being the one to pay for the divorces... i think it is because the ws are cake eaters. why pay for a divorce when i can save the money and still sleep with other women and live like i am single? most just don't bother with a divorce, they just move out and go about thier fun. it's the bs who need the protection of a sep agreement or divorce so they usually go out and get one. it stinks.

mlhb

[color:"purple"]I like what mlhb said. We would all like a WH or WW to have to pay damages somehow. Legally it doesn't happen much unless there is a great disparity in income.

V. [/color]

Divorce costs way too much - no matter how much is spent.
Use mediation if possible. There are certain personality types who will not mediate or compromise - and this costs more - thank you x.
Try to do as much as possible.
Some people pay atty fees differently. If you pay as you go, and each pays from the joint account - so if there is a SAHM then the H ends up paying all. Others pay after the D. Hard to say who should pay.
I much rather would have had X deposit that amount into a college fund for the kids rather than have had to waste the money when he got less after continuing to fight.

MEDIATE! And do as much as you can by yourself.

In my state it doesn't matter who had the affair, or whether there is a disparity in income. I was a SAHM; my H was the WS, and he, not I, wanted the divorce - yet I had to pay 100% of my lawyer's charges. The OW paid for his lawyer.

awww.. how sweet of ow to pay for wh's lawyer... the b^tch should have had to pay for yours! my oh so quiet and humble opinion...

thought to self.. wonder if i can send any other attorney fees i may have to ow??? worth a shot! lol
mlhb

Each party pays their own lawyer. Think about it; if stbx pays your lawyer, then the lawyer works for stbx and not you.

In my state, spousal support before the divorce has the specific purpose of enabling the dependent spouse to carry on the legal fight. It's right in the statute.

If one party obstructs the process (e.g., won't participate in discovery, hides stuff) then they might have to pay some of the other party's legal fees. The reason is that their behavior increased the legal costs and wasted some of the court's time. Nothing to do with marital misconduct.

My ex-wife's attorney had my ex-wife convinced I would end up paying her counsel fees, because my income is higher. Didn't happen because my ex-wife had plenty of resources from support and property settlement to pay her own legal fees. Thinking back, I wonder if this was really calculated to serve the attorney's interest, rather than my ex-wife's. "Don't worry about the cost, you won't have to pay it anyway."

Just curious, how many people had their attorney suggest that counsel fees would likely be awarded? If so, did it come to pass?

Spousal support? What's that?? - in my state, it doesn't exist, not when there are children. My H changed lawyers in the middle (without bothering to tell lawyer #1 that he'd been fired), which increased the legal fees for both of us.

My opinion:

You commit adultry, you should pay for the divorce. Case closed. I didn't know about the adultry until my lawyer asked innocent questions during pre-trail, like, "Where have you been living for the past two years?". Ex under oath, she couldn't lie. The jerk was paying for her condo, food, car and all living expenses. Again: You commit adultry, you should pay for the divorce.