I have been reading through MB for a little while, although only recently the forums...wish I began earlier!

In a lot of ways my situation in unique, but in many others it is exactly what I have been reading on here, so I suppose it would be best for me to explain first. I'll try and be brief, but I doubt I'll succeed!

First off, some background: my wife and I have been married for two and a half years and met three and a half. We married when she was 18 and I 20, plus she was the first person I ever had a real relationship with. Further, although we were together we got married for legal reasons (I'll leave it at that), at least that is what we claimed. In truth we both knew it meant more, in fact the night after we got married we were talking and both agreed that we really meant the vows as we repeated them.

Before I get to the actual situation, one more element must be related: being young and foolish I had long decided that I didn't care for mandatory monogamy--despite this we were both monogamous until what I am about to relate. In time she came to agree but was never comfortable with the idea of me being with another woman, I on the other hand convinced myself that I was comfortable with it and wouldn't even be jealous. I've realized my idiocy with that, and so many mistakes I have made in our marriage and have done a good job of rectifying them.

Then in August of 2005 both of us were at a retreat together and another man--who I did know--made a move and they kissed. She told me about it very shortly after. I told her I was completely okay with it, etc. etc. and really believed it. Since he lived across the country they didn't see each other and instead kept in contact over the phone. In retrospect I now recognize that at least a part of the reason why she even responded to his advances was to make me jealous, i.e. show her that I did love her.

Even when she would ask me for privacy while talking to him I 'didn't mind.' Of course, even though this was all 'open' he feared talking to me and without me knowing anything about it (its so true: affairs=lies, or at least hiding) he felt he was falling in love with her. So far as I know she never developed feelings like that for him, but I know she enjoyed the conversation and admiration.

Eventually she made plans to visit him during the last week of November. Around the same time, early November, I developed an interest in another woman and we began to talk more and more. Excusing the one kiss my wife and the OM shared, both of us took our affairs beyond conversation the week she was out of town.

I entered the fog, was convinced I didn't love my wife, etc. etc. etc. We continued to live together and after a week or two began to get close again. Also, my wife--without knowing it, and at the time still not wanting to continue the relationship with me--effectively implemented Plan A. It resulted in my OW ending it with me because of the intense guilt.

Her OM then decided to come and visit my wife and stay at our house--with my permission...especially at this point since I was still in the fog over the OW--in mid-January. If I would have woken up sooner I know that we could have begun to recover our relationship, but instead I came to realize my love for my wife, again, when the OM was here. I really think it was less the jealousy--although that helped--and more the fact that I had completely gotten over the OW. The night before the OM left we spoke, he told me that he thought he was 'falling in love' with my wife.

The day after he left I went to talk to my wife--who was in a very distant and cold mood after he left--and told her what I had realized, how much I loved her, and how I wanted to fix everything. She said she was over me, didn't need me anymore, etc. Her OM went from being an affair to a rebound all in one. Not to mention, I had LBed quite a bit that week.

Since then we have gotten closer, then she'll get distant, back and forth. At first I just made an [censored] out of myself, then I found MB and got a copy of 'Surviving.' I was trying to implement Plan A--not as well as I could have--and then she left for two weeks to be with him in mid-March. Since she has come back I have done an awesome job at Plan A...except only a week ago did I find out that there is supposed to be a stick involved.

To this point she still talks about him like a boyfriend and not a serious lover, despite him being obsessed with her...so much so that he is now planning on moving to our city to be closer to her. He is now claiming--last she told me--that she isn't the 'only' reason he is moving her, but that is all BS. Also, my brother-in-law has even informed me that my wife told him that her OM's moving here is all him with no encouragement from her. She is also quite adament about not living with him.

My big dillemma is about how exactly to use the stick. When I wasn't using it, not mentioning the affair, not saying how it hurt, etc. things seemed to be developing very well. She would even wear her ring on occasion, and various other signs. Until one week where she just got very distant and began to spend up to two or more hours on the phone with him a day! It used to be maybe thirty minutes. Then last Friday when I got home from work (I get home shortly before she leaves) the ****** hit the fan. She was really upset at me over me being a pain...why am I a pain? Because I let her know that a friend and I are going out; because I keep wearing my wedding ring. Then she opens a bit more, she is afraid I'll be a big pain when her OM moves here. I told her he will not come to or near the house and that beyond that I will simply be honest about what is going on. She then said she wanted a divorce, that she would move out, etc. I had learned about the stick of Plan A shortly before this, but hadn't really used it. I did tell her how much her talking to him hurts me and she said if she cared she would do something about it, etc. I wasn't too upset after this since I had expected it and it was all very irrational.

She barely talked to me the whole weekend until Sunday when she told me I needed to help her with groceries and we had some pleasant small talk and she asked me to get some information for her, I did, and when I was going to tell her I saw she was on the phone with him hiding around the house...I went, began to tell her, she told him to hold on and then asked if I could wait till she was done. I told her that he could wait five seconds, and that was that. Then later on she was on the phone again and I simply walked by telling her that it hurts me. She of course closed up again.

I noticed that she would stay in her room (actually our room, but I've been sleeping on my comy sofa in my office for a while now) with the doors closed, etc. to avoid me telling her how I feel. She at one point told me she feels like I am holding her hostage. From what I can tell she is feeling very guilty, especially since I leave her be, don't talk to her, etc. unless she wants to talk to me.

She has been a tad bit more open the past few days--light conversation, nothing like how it was the Friday before she blew up. And she is clearly not planning on moving out since she has insisted we take care of the bug problem, put her winter coats in the attic, etc.

Also, I am quite confident that if he moves here it will end the affair even faster than if he doesn't, but all the same I really want to end it before he has a chance to move here, which could be in the next two or three months.

Should I continue to make her feel guilty by letting her know how I feel? And thus make it difficult to speak with him? Should I expose to her family?

I've also been thinking about calling or writing the OM. I read the little piece on the forum about how that is usually a bad idea, but I really don't care to hear a word he has to say, and I know he won't listen anyhow. But I do know that she has not told him a lot of things and that he is a very jealous person...so I could set him off and cause striff in their affair by simply telling him about things like how she has been wearing her wedding ring.

On one hand I want to recall the stick completely and hope she opens up again since it is so nice when she does...on the other hand I want to go out and obliterate the affair even if it means she hates me for a few weeks or whatever, since I know it will pass.

Help! I feel like every day that passes is a huge loss of time. Thanks in advance.

Unfortunatley, no one has yet replied to my post, but regardless, I need to vent.

I have come to gauge things in weeks, and the weekends tend to be the primary markers. This weekend...SHE HAS BEEN ACTING COMPLETELY NUTS! Not that she hasn't been acting crazy for a while now, but this weekend was unique. Typically, a day is a day, and her mood will last that long. This weekend though, it has been back and forth moment by moment, and even at the same time.

Saturday her brother invited both of us to a graduation party, and he invited us separately (he knows what has been going on and I believe this was on purpose). Before the party she was more open and closer than she had been in two weeks...then I mention the party and she gets upset. Later she makes it clear that she doesn't want me 'hanging around her all night.' I ask her why she is upset...all I get is: "I can't believe you don't know why I am angry. ... I don't want to talk about it right now; I'm about to go to a party and have a good time."

Less than five minutes later she is as open and friendly as earlier. Its been like that Sunday too. Back and forth between distance and closeness.

I know she still loves me, I can feel it. She is just in that fog. I know that we will recover; I know that I still love her; I know that this woman who I am living with right now is NOT the woman I feel in love with or still love.

The road may be long, it may be dangerous, but I shall travel it. Alas, this heart DOES NOT have any white flag that it could unfurl, even if it wanted.

I hate, more than anything else, the fact that because of how she has been over the past few months I fear that I wouldn't know what to do if she all of a sudden--I don't expect this--came around. I fear that I wouldn't know how to actually express my love and desire for her. Further, I hate the fact that how she has been treating me makes me think of screwing up again.... When she is distant and even mean I look at other women and begin to think...but I don't allow myself to do so since I know that she is the one I love, and even if I could love anyone else, I have a better chance with her than with any other woman I tend to run across. I hate that she makes me feel like I should give up...especially since I will not.

I suppose its good that I have gotten used to doing things that everyone else doubted me in. I live in Las Vegas, the city of $in, the city of bets and gambles...and I have always beaten the odds, even though I don't gamble...I will beat them again and prove to all that true love does conquer.

This is the strongest, and the weakest, I have ever felt.

If you want some replies try posting in GQ2 - far more traffic and relevant to your situation