I spend my time helping here a lot.

So I thought I would share my distress over my lingering issue...

In regards to parenting, my H and I are working WELL together and he is working on establishing a closer bond with the boys. I'm grateful and happy about that. That's the good. Now the bad.

This is MY ISSUE..my issue with my YS.

He absolutely enrages me. Is there any need for me to tell him?

He enrages me so much sometimes that I don't want to have anything to do with him.

I do alot for him and have done a lot for him to help make his life go smoothly. I've always kind of like been a MOTHER HEN. I devoted myself to the children and neglected my H. Long story.... One of my friends recently told me that she recalls when they were little...when you see (my name), you see her children...the utter SOCCER MOM....

I'm not sure exactly what it is. Help me out here folks if you can.

It's time, I think, for me to stop having to make so many arrangements in his life. I know you guys mignt say that I need to stop. He's away at college and over the past couple of weeks I have had to remind him and remind him to take care of a number of important business arrangements. Now, today, because he has been so unorganized and unable or unwilling to plan for himself, he missed being able to go to a conference that he claims that he wanted to attend. I see him as doing the things that he REALLY wants to do..things that are not important and worthwhile..like getting the stereo fixed in his car....

On top of all that, he states that he is not coming home until SUNDAY..making no mention at all of MOTHER'S DAY..after all that I do, I feel unloved and unappreciated by him...

My FIGHT OR FLIGHT IMPULSE almost said: "Don't come home at all"...

Is there any need to tell him how I feel? Will it matter at all?

I guess I feel anger and sadness about this...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Mimi teenagers are tough as you well know having already gone through this once. Evidently your older son was not like this.

Younger children tend to be more immature. If I were you I would try to let go some. He is away at college and if he misses something because he can't take the initiative then that is his own fault. You have no control over that. And maybe that is also part of the problem. You want to still be in control of your son.

You have to believe that you have raised him right and now he is on his own. Time for him to grow up. You also can't take any of this personally. Hard, I know because I do the same thing with my teens. I often think I am a good Mom so why are they acting this way. But we as mothers can't think that way. We are not in control of their actions...they are!

Your son will quickly learn that he better start being more responsible because Mom is not going to baby him his whole life. If he wants something then he needs to go for it. Not wait for you to deliver it to him.

I woudn't say anything to him except maybe something like...Son, I love you and will always be here for you, but I am not going to organize your life and make decisions for you any more. You are old enough to make the tough decisions on your own now. If you need me or Dad we will happily help you and support you, but you need to take some initiative now.

No need to be mad. If he misses an opportunity because of his laziness then his problem not yours. Just let it go. Hard to do I know, but no need to have anger. It will just cause problems in your relationship with him. He will grow up to be a fine young man. One that you will be proud of.

Hope this helps some...JMO!

Thanks for responding to me, Lost.

I needed someone to share with about this at this time...

It's really helpful hearing from another mother of teens.

You are right about my desire to control him. He senses that and has said this very thing but, IMO, he has tended to function better when I exercise the CONTROL.

Plus, when I back off, he starts ASKING for my HELP again. "I didn't do it because you didn't remind me..you didn't tell me that I had to do it". Me: "Why do I have to always tell you..you should know this stuff by now..." (sighing)

Is it HELP or CONTROL? A real balancing act.

My OLDER son was more the WILD AND CRAZY GUY but more RESPONSIBLE. This son... like a "little old man" (according to his brother)...quiet and reserved..yet disorganized and irresponsible...OH MY...

You helped settle me down some, Lost..

Thanks...

Mimi - Teenagers are so hard aren't they?!? And they are all so different. I have also tried to control my children and their environment. I am sometimes so scared that they will fail and be hurt and I can't stand that thought. Although I KNOW they HAVE TO fail and be hurt at some point in their life. That is what builds their character.

Your right it is a real balancing act. One I am sure you are good at because you sound like a fantastic person.

I think as long as our kids know we are there for them when they reach out to us for help then all will be fine.

Just my .02 Mini.

Just let it go.

I'll tell you a little story. My folks had always looked out for me and made arrangements. I knew if anything unfortunate happend that my folks would take care of it for me.

Then I headed off to college, Like a typical 17 yo, I already knew everything, and to be perfectly honest, my folks hardly knew anything (so I thought <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ).

I would deliberatly ignore good advise from my folks because I wanted to prove my independence to them ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> me???). After all, how could they know what was best for me? I was now a grown man, not a child (are you laughing yet? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

I think one of the best things that my folks ever did was to let me go on my way following my own path and NOT allowing me to blame them when I [email]s@rewed[/email] up. After I learned that they were not going to "just make things better" it forced ME to take responsibility for myself. It's a lesson that I've never forgotten.

When my father was still alive I used to occasionally tell him something that would always bring a smile to his face.

"You know something Dad? You got a whole lot smarter while I was in college". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there.

Mimi, you and I have many things in common: especially our ages and children. Our biggest difference besides the fact your marriage has recovered, is that I have a little daughter.

I spent years and years being the team mom, class mom, council member and organizer extraordinaire. Two things changed a lot of that. First, having a 3rd child. Second, we moved states and I reevaluated my commitments. Different things seemed important. I haven't attended a PTA or Booster Club meeting since. I only do fundraisers that will directly affect my child. However, I will buy a teacher almost anything if they need they need it for their class. I'm the woman in the chair at the soccer/softball/basketball/whatever game reading a magazine. I can generally follow the game just fine and am not sucked into the competitiveness and vicariousness cycle parents get into. It works for me.

Our job as parents is to detach from our children and assist them in making good decisions. Far better that they make crappy decisions at 19 than 39. It's a learning process.

With the miracle of the family cellphone plan, my boys call me quite a bit. I value the conversation. They often ask for advice. Sometime, I say lot of "That's nice, dear..."

Lately, I have been know to say to my sons, especially since H became a cheater: "Sweetie, I love you and I'm concerned for you but right now, I don't have the emotional resources to deal with it. Try tomorrow." It is an answer they respect.

Let go. We can't control everything. When I was pregnant, somebody said to me, "Enjoy the this time. While they are in your womb is the last time you will ever have complete control over your child." So true.

Hi Mimi--
Don't think I've ever posted to you, and no, I am not gonna offer personal advice. Right now my boys are all 4 and under, and diapering, potty training and tantrums are my area of expertise, but I wanted to share something with you that I read recently in the Christian Woman magazine.

A friend sent this to me because there was an article titled "happily Even After."
Anyway, one point the writer made was her fear when her children were with their dad--she was no longer in control, worried, fretted, etc.
But then she realized--they are God's kids, too. he loves them more than she does. He wants the best for them, too. And He will take care of them. Afterall, He has a future and a hope for them, as well as you.

So, maybe instead of worrying so much about being so pestering, him making wrong choices, and him not getting it all done--maybe just let go and pray for him. God will have His back if he allows Him, too. And one day, when life has hit him a little uncomfortably as it does us all, I am sure he will fondly remember all the times you had his, too.

I like what Grapegirl said--about the womb and control. Rather made me teary seeing that my new little man is already four months old today and already growing too fast on me. I'll hold him tight, now. But I'll pray even more than that.

Happy almost mother's day to you. I am sure you are a wonderful mom.

Teenagers hey? Can't live with um , can't shoot um either.

I am involved with a lot with teenagers at present. Smart little buggers most of them...and the worst thing about that is; that they know it.

Mimi you don't have to remind him of anything...he's a young adult and must start taking responsibily of things himself...if he misses an appoinment or lecture or whatever...so what?

The worst that will happen is that he'll see a consequence of his own in-action.

Behaviour is often repeated if it is rewarded. Try and learn to say no. Trust me , it feels good!

Max

Goodluck Mimi with your teenager. It sounds like a tough one.

I have enough problems with my DD7, she is so stubborn and strong willed, especially since WH left. I dont know how it would be if she were a teen and we were going through this.

Best of luck

hugs

zuj

mimi,

My two oldest are 22 and 21....my youngest is 8....I know! Shoot me! One of the hardest things I ever had to learn as a good mother....was to allow my children to fail....that's right....fail. When you think about, the stuff you learned here on MB about not protecting a WS from the consequences of their choices applies in life to other things....and irresponsible teenagers are one of them. Both of my older two went through the stage you describe....and when I finally relinquished control and responsibility for their failures....they slowly (and yep...it was very slowly) learned to stand on their own two feet. Lay it at the cross mimi. They taught me something too.....my little eight year old....is really responsible because I have done this much sooner with him. He accused me once of not telling him to do his homework and my reply was "hey, it's not MY homework". He had to go to school without it....but only once. That one zero taught him more than all of my diligence. So when you back off....and then he comes back asking for more help....tell him "baby, continuing to help you....is actually hurting you because as long as I take responsibility for your stuff...you won't. Do it yourself and let me just love you. I trust you....and I know you can do this, because I raised you."

I am sitting here with a great big smile on my face!

I treasure each of your responses.

Most of what you have said, I already "KNOW" but definitely needed to "HEAR".

Thanks so much to all of you for being part of my community.

I'm going to print this thread to refer back to as needed...and that need will likely be very often.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yep, gotta let them fall.

Think about when they were first learning to walk. They pulled themselves up. You held their hand. You helped lean them around until their legs got stronger and then you let go. If falls happened, you picked them up the first few times, but you let them fall. You are NOT still holding his hand, he is walking (heck, running) on his own.

Reminding him about important events is like holding his hands. He is getting the idea he CAN'T walk on his own. College is a learning experience in more ways than one...let him walk on his own. If he falls, pick him up ONLY the first few times, but set him on his feet again. Don't let him blame you.....

Mimi,

My only child is 5.5 years old. So... what do I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But, the one thing that I once "got" about parenting, is this quote :
"The goal of parenting is to prepare the child for independence."

It's time, I think, for your son to make his own mistakes and learn from the consequences.

-AD

Hi Mimi,

I don't have children, but I agree with what _AD_ wrote, in that you have to trust that you and husband raised him right and now its time he test out those wings you two built in raising him. I'm sure they're sturdy enough to carry him through all his mis-steps.

Bailing him out and doing things for him that he should be doing for himself is taking away his chances to learn. Not fair to him and it could hender his future.

Jo

p.s. Happy mom's day to you, hon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />