Post deleted by ashkerksdad

Did you go to counselling? Or was everything brushed under the carpet, and brave smiles put on as the two of you tiptoed around each other and the devesatation you caused?

Post deleted by ashkerksdad

Ash,

From a guys point of view, Dude, there's a great big pink elephant in your living room. Continue the counseling. Make sure it's with a counselor or therapist that you BOTH get along with. Keep this in mind too. An hour wth Steve H on the phone is like 4-6 sessions. He's worth the $$$ so check that out.

Now then. When/if she brings up the past, you have a duty to keep your head, not get defensive, validate her fears and feelings, apologize, commit to change and tell your wife that you love her and your kids and never want to hurt them. I know, you're thinking that's like eating your shoes, right?

Someone once asked me, Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

Pride has it's place. It's not between a husband and a wife.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ashker...
buckle up...

the escalation of pain is because you are in counseling..and she finally has a safe place to release her fears and pain....

talk to your counselor about wanting her to do this.....and see if the three of you can't establish ground rules....
for safety and protection....

hold her
love her
cherish her...

ARK

Post deleted by ashkerksdad

Well, what is it you want? Do you want to continue to hold these memories and pain inside, continuing to protect yourself, but lose your wife in the process? Or will you give her 100% honesty and tell her anything she wants to know?

You remember details and events more than you are letting her know, and she realizes it. She needs this information, but you are refusing to help her heal. She's trying to clean an infected wound, which is painful, but you just want to cover it up and let it fester.

This is not a time for anger or selfish defensiveness. You need to be the calm in the storm, support and love her, but keep your cool.

There is two ways she will make it through this:
1. You man up and care for her and tell her anything she needs to know about your affair.
2. She leaves you because you are unwilling to heal a wound that is tearing her apart.

Welcome to MB. You have come to the right place.

Will your wife post here? We'd be glad to talk to her and try to help.

You are certainly the poster child for why sweeping things under the rug and telling a BS to "just get over it" is the worst possible course of action.

Call the Harleys.

Now.

Mulan

Post deleted by ashkerksdad

Would your wife post to us here?

Here is a post regarding knowing details of the A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=1#3013805

I don't mean to be harsh to you but my FWW didn't remember a lot of details either. My rough translation- She didn't remember the details she told me up until that point and didn't want to contridict herself.

Funny thing 6 months after the A she couldn't remember but last friday when I told her if she wasn't going to be honest I wasn't going to be married she started remembering.

Funny thing the things she forgot were really darn bad. HMMMM. She probably left out the worse details of the A. But from D DAy on she couldn't remember them or she didn't think they were important. Rough translation- if you knew them you would leave me. That may be so but should we stay married because you haven't been honest?

And finally of course her assumptions are her reality. I can tell you if you sit down tell her what happened and are able to tell the same story several times she will eventually believe you. Change one part of the story and you will start all over and cause more doubts so be honest. You have the opportunity to help yourself out too.

I don't know if anyone has pointed you to Josephs letter yet but you should read it and read the thread because it will let you know how it feels on our side of not knowing.

Your FWW has had ten years of not knowing and has lived through it. If you need to sit down and think about it for a while to pull up the details. It may be hard but not impossible. Is your W worth it to you.

BTW my FWW said the same thing about trying to forget that horrible time in her life. Guess what at the time it was not horrible for you. It was always horrible for us.

I can tell you I am still thinking about a D because of what I found out but I was convinced of a D before.

Again I don't mean to be harsh but do the right thing by your W. You have a chance to make this easier on her.

ashkerksdad

But was your wife unfaithfull or not?

I'm just curious, are you using this as a rationale for having an affair? Because that is not the reason you had your affair. So if you are saying this to your wife, I can understand her rage because it sounds like an insanely lame and intellectually insulting excuse. Why DID you have the affair and treat her so shamefully?

Were you completely honest and forthcoming with the facts about your affair after she came back? Were you ALWAYS willing to answer her questions? Or did dribs and drabs come out over the years, putting her back to D-Day with each new discovery?

Because that is what it sounds like to me. It sounds like she has discovered some new piece of news that has put her back to Day 1. Did she even KNOW that you had moved some ho into her house 10 yrs ago? Is that what has happened here?

Can you send her here so we can talk to her?

Man if you cannot be totally honest then you are done! Honesty is a very top priority of MB and you need to get that. My WW doesn't get it and we hobble along.

She doesn't want to talk about the A, M, or R. As long as I keep my mouth shut all is OK for her, but I'm dying inside. I would rather talk about everything and get it out in the open completely than continue on the road we are on. Honestly, she is only here for the kids so what should I expect. Maybe one day when she is on board with rebuilding the M we can talk openly and honestly about everything and then we will see some real progress. I keep hoping.

Post deleted by ashkerksdad

Well, Now you need to let her cool down, do a perfect Plan A, tell her things as they happen, never let her find out anything unless you have discussed it or told her first. She should never hear anything from anyone that she hasn't already heard from you, and it must be the absolute truth, no holds barred. There must be absolutely no secrets. Period!

Romance her like there is no tomorrow, you have a lot of making up to do.

The pain of infidelity is a strange thing. It really hurts, more than anything in the world, the betrayal is worse than any other person could have done, to have waited 10 yrs to let the details out is almost unforgiveable. Notice I said almost. The BS has all these things in their mind about what happened and how. The sooner the truth is told, no matter how much it hurts, the sooner things can heal, trust earned, and rebuilding can begin.

Your Wife is now going through another D-Day, 10yrs after the fact. Only this time it's worse because she had probably suppressed those feelings of fear and betrayal, now they are in her face again. Plan A her till it hurts and then Plan A her some more. Make her feel like she is the only thing in this world that matters to you and mean it, she will know if you are faking it.

Good Luck!

Every BS has the right to say when they have had enough. Your BW has been dragged through multiple D-days as you have eked out information to her. I can understand her anger and hurt.

I do not think all is lost. She is going to need time to heal. If you truly love your wife, you can work miracles. You need to Plan A and woo her. You need to have the attitude of what ever it takes, for as long as it takes. If you can make it through this, you can rebuild your marriage into something that will never break.

Complete honest and total transparency. Fill her lovebank until it overflows. Make every day special and cherish her. Spend time together. The small things count: give flowers and massages, unload the dishwasher, cooking dinner and cleaning it up together.

If my CH came to me with your attitude, I'd surely think harder about recovering our marriage.

ash

I think it is a common feeling among BS that the lies sometimes are worse the the A itself.

You have now shattered your BS because of your dishonesty over all of these years.

Look at this through your own eyes for a minute. How would you feel about someone that could lie to you for that long? Most importantly what would you want her to do.

If you have worked on the EM questionaire(sp) you will know exactly what to do for her. You start filling every need you can that is most important to her. You do nothing to withdrawl from the LB.

I can identify with what your BS is feeling. During the time you were not being honest she may have done things for you she wouldn't have done. Now she feels stupid for doing them. There may have been some things you did that did not upset her, that would have if she knew the truth and feels stupid for that as well.

Not only that but every person has a breaking point. You may have actually done something that would have been the straw that broke the camels back. Now she might be dealing with the fact that you put that straw on the back and a couple bricks on top of it. Again she is wondering if she knew then what she knew now if she would have ever taken you back. It is very hard to think that your dishonesty is what made her think you had a chance of recovery. Now she might be thinking that you benefitted from you dishonesty. How do you rectify the fact that your FWS dishonesty over this period of time has actually benefitted them.

Find her needs and fill them fast. Do not love bust and be prepared for her to love bust. Take it like a man.

You have a chance here but the window of opportunity is very small.