Please Help!!! I think my husband is in the fog and I don't know how to respond to some of the things he says.

He says that sometimes he thinks he should leave to work on himself, because he has caused too much damage to fix our relationship. He also talks about that he feels like he lost himself in our relationship and he doesn't know who or what he wants. He thinks he wants to try to work on himself and our relationship, but he can't give me any gurantees. He feels like when we got married he didn't truly know who he was or what he wanted. Can we reconnect. Because I want someone to be with me cause they choose me not out of obligation. Is this just fog talk..Should I expect gurantees right now. Should I expect anything from him right now.

Yup yup. All foggy woggy there. Rule #1, don't take the fog babble personally. Avoid talking about him leaving. If he brings it up, politely disagree and tell him you don't think that's a good idea and let it go. If he leaves, you can't Plan A effectively. As for the rest of his feelings, listen when he talks, be attentive, validate his feelings, say, "It must be really tough to feel like you've lost yourself." And there's empathy.

Way to soon for guarantees. Any promises or guarantees he makes this early will probably be empty. Lots of confusion there is. Uncertainty. Be his light house.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey there,
Just checking on you. Hope you are hanging in there.
take care

SNR, the bit about moving out is usually code for, "I need to get out on my own so I can have my affair where you can't interrupt."

The portion where he says he's never known himself, or you, is one of the things wayward spouses do to "rewrite" history. If they can demonize the betrayed spouse, they will. If they can cast doubt on the legitimacy of the marriage right from the start, it lessens the guilt they feel for the adultery.

Perhaps you can suggest WH find a good individual counselor so he can "find himself" that much quicker.

snr,

Don't know if this will help...Mr. W and I were just laughing about how he handled some of my foggiest "fogments" the other night(yes, we are odd about what we find humor in-we know)...Anyway, back then, I told him at lunch one day that I wanted a separation...He just said a simple, "NO"...In the state that I was in I didn't know how to argue that...it stopped me dead in my tracks...It was pretty clear that that was a topic that wasn't open for discussion...Simple, but it worked...

Mrs. W

WOw this is the page I really needed to read today!! snr when did the A happen when did you find out and how long did it go on??

I would love to know. My spouse is doing the same thing. He is saying hateful things. Like I hate the person who introduced us and I will never talk to him again. I have hated you for ten years. I never wanted children with you, but then agrees to MB priciples and fixing our marriage????


Then he doesn't understand why I am struggling with things. Says that I expect him to say no to making it work. I probaly do because his actions speak more clearly than his words.

I was thinking that it was another way to show me that things were bad before the affair. But it doesn't make since. The things he brings up are from 7 years ago or longer. We have since had children and recommitted to the marriage.


Anyways sorry to ramble on your page, but I think that he is probaly saying them to not be able to admit guilt for what he has done. My H is scared to admit his faults. "If they can demonize the betrayed spouse, they will. If they can cast doubt on the legitimacy of the marriage right from the start, it lessens the guilt they feel for the adultery."-longhorn- KUDOS- you validated my thoughts!

Oh is he still in the fog since January D-day?? I thought that we passed through that already. Did he talk to her again? I don't know how unless at work. OR Does the fog last longer if depressed or drinking (my H has been on and off) When does the fog end?????

When will he ever admit to the pain he has caused.

Since I am writing does anyone have advice on depression leading to an A?


MArried 10 years
together 12years
2 kids- 2 and 5
WS- almost 30
BS- 29

Love is the gift of self. At times it means emptying oneslf to reach out to others.

SNR? Where are you?
I hope you're still reading here.
Please let us know how you are.

((((SNR))))

I am still here. I have had the chance to be alone with my newborn son this week so I have been taking advantage of it. My daughter went and stayed with her grammy and grampie. She comes home today. While she was gone my H and I spent a lot of time together and we had some great talk, and we even made it through some disagreements with out yelling and screaming. He seems to be doing better with the withdrawl. Monday was three weeks NC and today he had a counseling session. He told me he know he needs to grow up and be a man, and he also has realized I need to be in on any decisions he makes including things involved in his work. I am sleeping much better and even taking naps during the day with my kids. The bad memories are fading. If they do come into my mind I try to think about something else. I try to think about good things. Like my husband and children are here and we are working to build a strong family. Don't get me wrong I know I still have a long ways, but I am not letting this ruin my life. This might have been exactly what I needed to realize what kind of woman I want to be and what kind of marriage I need to have. Thanks for all your support.

Wow, you sound so much better. I'm so glad. I have been so concerned about you.

(((SNR)))

Now, that you are doing better keep reading and posting. Let us encourage you.

This is a rollercoaster and there will probably be more bad days. Know that we are here for you.

take care and I really am happy you sound better.

cfc,

Re you question about advice on depression leading to an A, you might choose to read the following thread.

Is it common for WS to be Depressed?

Several comments have been made here which are quite interesting. You might find it useful.

Georgina

It's funny cause Sprint and I have recently started to laugh at the fogged out things we used to say...Sprint got a kick outta the one where I asked him if he was going to see her when he went to C-town...and he said to me in his fog - HOW unfair is that question...would it have been fair for me to ask if you were going to E-town last year to visit OM? I smiled and said - in hindsight it would have been a very fair question since that is why I went...He got all flustered and stomped away LOL....funny we can laugh NOW at the stupid things we say....

He's fogged out, probably in withdrawel since the good feelings and highs he was getting are gone...and figures if he could leave then he could be free of guilt to continue to persue the high feeling. The thing is - the high feeling is not real...and if you are patient and stick through it and do what others have suggested on not giving into his whining...he will get through it...and soon find there are different happinesses....

Hey SNR,
How ya doin?

Haven't seen you check in a while, so I thought I would check on you. I just wanted you to know you're being thought of.
take care

you around? bumping this up so hopefully, you'll post a report.

Things were going ok and yesterday we had a good counseling session. I was in a pretty good mood. I have been taking care of myself and the children. I cooked a great meal last night and even dessert. We hadn't heard from either of them in over a month. My husband has been completely transparent. Then right before we sat down for dinner his phone rang. I didn't think anything of it so I answered it. It was her. It didn't sound like her she sounded weak and different. Not like her normal self. Since she had been my best friend we had talked on the phone pretty much everyday for atleast 7 years. I asked her what she wanted, looking back I should have just hung up. She said can i talk to him I said no what do you want. She said please let me talk to him you will know in a minute. Stupid me gave him the phone. She told him she was stuck in another country and her husband was probably calling off the relationship. My husband told her please I asked you to stop calling me and I told you everything I needed to say in the letter. Please leave me alone. She said bye. He said she did not make much sense. We decided to change our numbers and I did that. I don't know what to do now. I told my husband that this is why I wanted to move, because I feel she is desperate and will never give up. Especially now that her husband might be leaving her and I don't know who has their children. What should I do? Just leave it alone or should I contact her husband and find out what is going on.

SNR,

""She told him she was stuck in another country"" ??????

Sounds like you don't have to move. You did change your #s.

You should have hung up.

Yeah, hindsight is 20/20. Hard to stop being polite and gracious, isn't it?

Hopefully not too much damage is done.

How did / is your H reacting?

Stay strong.

k

Hey there,
I'm sorry you had to hear her voice. Don't you dare start feeling sorry for her.

Next time, hang up. This time, it caught you by surprise. Now you have a plan. If you hear her voice, hang up.

Honestly, since the last time you talked to her husband it was a disaster, I wouldn't try to call him.

I think in this case, no contact means you not talking to him, either.

I'm glad things are going better. Time helps. Keep hanging in there.