These ARE strange times on the Infidelity boards lately. But they have been strange before (does the name DustKitty ring a bell?). And after this current outbreak of “strangeness” fades away, sooner or later another round of chaos and consternation will take its place.
Can I calm a million billion fears with one post? Not likely. But I can give an example of a how “breaking the No Contact rule” can happen under very different circumstances than KiwiJ’s story, with correspondingly different meaning and consequences. In my case, strange as it may be, contact after 8 years is a sign of a healthy marriage where practicing Radical Honesty and using the Policy of Joint Agreement before, during, and after this incident strengthened our relationship.
If not for our decision to completely embrace the MB principles and sincere efforts to actually practice them in our daily lives, a premeditated decision to violate NC could well have sent my wife and I back to square one. Back 8 years in time to the beginning of our personal journey through he||.
But that’s not what happened, and I’m getting ahead of myself.
We create heroes out of ordinary people here, and, being only human, some of them stumble and fall. Sometimes it is their spouses who fall. Such was the case with one of my heroes and I was deeply saddened when I found out her husband repaid her love and forgiveness and tireless positive spirit with a second betrayal. Stories like these shake our confidence and give us pause. We look over our shoulder – am I next? Will my spouse betray me AGAIN? After everything we’ve been though together? If I (BS or FWS) can never be safe, what’s the point of marriage?
I haven’t posted for a very long time. I’m not sure why I’m posting today except I don’t have any pressing work at the moment (I’m self-employed), and I’m a little under the weather. Perhaps my story can bring a glimmer of hope to some of you who are feeling anxious and blue.
I guess I qualify as a MB veteran. It’s a title I’m still not comfortable with because IMHO it should be reserved for the truly ancient ones like Twyla and JL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Since I dropped off the radar before many of you had the unhappy occasion to register here, I’ll include my MB “stats” upfront at the top of my post:
Me – 48
FWW – 46 (2 yr EA/PA)
D-Day 6/98
Married 23 yrs
2 incredible kids – daughter and son – both in college next year! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Looking at what I just typed is very strange. I don’t think of my marriage or my wife in those terms anymore, even though from the title of this thread most of you probably think I must.
I can almost hear some of your thoughts ...
[color:"#666666"] MB regular to newbie: “OMG!! A betrayed spouse (BH … or was it FBH?!?) comes back to MB to report that his FWW has broken no contact after 8 friggin YEARS! The poor bast*rd! What was his FFWW (Former, formerly wayward wife – a.k.a WW) thinking?!? [/color] Friends, it’s nothing like that. To understand why, it’s probably helpful to know that recovery for me took about 3 years to really get off the ground. I’m talking about my personal recovery from the shock and devastation of finding out about my wife’s affair, as well as the healing we did together as a couple.
When I finally got up the nerve to post my story on the Recovery forum, I titled it something like “How I recovered from my horrible recovery!” And I meant it. “Recovery” was a trip through he||, second only to the personal he|| I was cast into the instant I discovered my wife’s affair.
For those who do remember me, I hope you would agree that I was a staunch supporter of the MB principles. I still am. I championed Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement in post after post. I even got into a few brawls at the Forum Saloon over what the abstract concept of RH means in the real world, in a real relationship, and why No Contact was absolutely, positively necessary.
And now I’m starting a thread titled “... Contact after 8 years ...” and calling it a success story?
What gives?
In the case of my wife’s recent face to face contact with the OM, it was the result of a serious discussion using the POJA. It had to do with an award my son was receiving and the likelihood that the OM would be involved due to a position he holds. My wife and I had already exhausted other options – we proposed a solution via a third party, and I tried to speak to the OM myself – all to no avail. In this particular circumstance, the principle of my family enjoying an OM-free event was probably as important, if not more, that the recognition my son was receiving.
So in this case, my wife and I decided it was worth the effort and worth the risk for her to intentionally break the No Contact rule. It’s important to understand that by “risk”, I’m only talking about the baggage and unpleasant emotions that are brought to the surface by something like this and how my wife and I choose to deal with it.
Over the past 8 years the OM has demonstrated that the selfish, abusive behavior he displayed during the affair, in fact, represents his true nature. Any illusions my wife may have had that the OM has any redeeming qualities were dashed long ago.
As to the meeting itself, my wife was accompanied by a female friend who knows about the situation, and the OM’s wife was also present. When the affair was exposed, my wife immediately apologized to the OM’s wife in person for what she had done. There were a couple more occasions where my wife had the opportunity to express her regret and remorse to the OM’s wife and she didn’t hesitate to do it. In addition, my wife has gone out of her way to avoid conflict with the OM’s family and the OM’s wife is aware of this.
The OM, on the other hand, has been an unrepentant jerk, to put it politely, and his conduct and choice of words at the face-to-face meeting with my wife only reinforced and made plain his true character. It didn’t really surprise my wife and her friend, but I think it was a sobering and unpleasant eye-opener for the OM’s wife.
Oh, did I mention that the OM lives one block away? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> As you might imagine, No Contact has been a big deal. Figuring out meaningful and effective “extraordinary precautions” to maintain NC has been key to our recovery
Those of you who are still new to the recovery rollercoaster, meaning less than a couple years past D-Day, may have trouble believing what I’m about to say, but although I was a little nervous for my wife’s safety because I know what the OM is capable of (long, long story about what OM did during affair and afterwards), I had virtually zero anxiety about how my wife and I would deal with the baggage. She came home, we talked about how the meeting went, how she felt, how I felt, we talked a bit about the affair and how far we’ve come, and then we got on with the rest of our day feeling closer as a couple.
Because the OM insisted on continuing to be a jerk, we found an alternate way for our son to get the recognition he deserved. Wasn’t what we had hoped for, but in real life the fairy tale ending usually doesn’t happen – so you make the best of what you’ve got.
Radical Honesty really does work. Ain’t always easy, but it makes married life so much less stressful when there are no secrets to hide and no topics that are off-limits or taboo.
As others have posted on various threads lately, Radical Honesty starts with oneself. It requires that you examine your feelings and beliefs in depth and frequently. You’ll never be good at using the Policy of Joint Agreement to come up with a solution/resolution with your spouse that you enthusiastically support if you don’t make the effort to really know yourself.
I think it was 10Swords who posted on another thread about the importance of both spouses in a marriage committing to the 10 Basic Concepts of MB. My wife and I learned them as the “Four Gifts of Love” from Dr. Harley’s book by the same name which, I believe, is now out of print. (Yikes, maybe I am an old-timer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) It’s the same MB concepts boiled down to:
-The Gift of Care
-The Gift of Protection
-The Gift of Honesty
-The Gift of Time
These “gifts” can also be stated as “rules”. When both spouses give the gifts or follow the rules, you can affair-proof your marriage. I really believe that.
I know this is getting to be another of my long-winded posts, but I’d like to leave you with a few more thoughts before I close.
I don’t read many posts these days - just don’t have the time - so I may have missed it, but I don’t remember seeing much discussion about
spouses coaching each other. That has been an important ingredient in our success.
I used to think I knew my wife pretty well. Then after D-Day I learned I didn’t even know what I didn’t know about her. Without a commitment to the MB principles – especially Radical Honesty – the realization that my wife was a mystery to me and not only capable of behavior I never thought possible, but a first class liar when she wanted to be, was downright terrifying.
Radical Honesty helps take the fear out of the unknown. And since neither my wife nor I are mind readers, it’s up to us to ask AND voluntarily share information about ourselves so we don’t begin to drift apart. It sounds simplistic, but it works. We coach each other so we don’t fall into the trap of assuming we know what Emotional Needs and Love Busters are at the top of the list any given week.
It’s not a recovery thing anymore, it’s simply become part of the fabric of our marriage.
Next point - before any of you get the wrong impression, for the record, it’s definitely NOT a good idea to live a block away from the OP - or for the WS to work with the OP. My wife and I survived her affair and survived our horrible recovery, and we’ve been very happy for many years now. But we took an impossibly rough road to get where we are today and I always used to, and always will, recommend others take a better path.
If proximity to the OP is an issue the most sensible solution is to change jobs and move to a new location as far away from the temptation of chance meetings and the torture of uncertainty for the BS as possible. Physical distance doesn’t guarantee NC of course, but it sure eliminates a lot of unnecessary angst and heartache.
Your needs and your spouse’s needs – whether it’s too much or too little sex, conversation, recreation, working on your insect collection, or whatever else is important to you may never be in sync, but you can always use POJA to resolve conflicts in a way that both partners AND the marriage win.
Some may not want to hear this, but for me, the sadness and grief caused by the loss of innocence never goes away completely. The good news is that the weight of the sorrow is not unbearable. Perhaps this is an issue only for those of us who were virgins when we married and placed great value on the fact that we shared that kind of intimacy with only one person our entire lives. I can only describe it like the death of a dear loved one whose memory we cherish at the same time we mourn the loss. It is unchangeable so we accept it. We pursue happiness and the fullness of life in spite of the lingering sadness we feel.
Far too many members here seem to confuse Plan A with a duty to love your spouse in the face of on-going disrespect or negligence, or think it is how unconditional love works. Plan A is a specific strategy to bring an end to a partner’s affair and/or motivate them to invest in efforts to restore the marriage to a healthy state. It should have a specific timeframe measured in weeks or months – not years (like I tried) – and if it fails, it should be followed by a convincing and unwavering Plan B (like I didn’t do). Plan A is exhausting only when it is a one-sided endeavor, which it almost always is when it is employed after D-Day.
After recovery – if there is such a thing – the same skills learned during Plan A become the habits of a new relationship with your spouse. The “Four Gifts of Love” or the “10 Basic Concepts of MB” that seemed clumsy and awkward and felt like a lot of work can become second-nature, routine, normal – even fun when both partners make the effort.
IMHO it’s what marriage should be from day one.
Affairs affect everyone. My kids had front row seats to an emotional horror show starring their parents. They didn’t have a choice to not know about the affair and the havoc that it wreaked on our lives. Those who remember me know my house was destroyed by fire a year after D-Day while I was out of town on business. My wife and kids witnessed the tragedy and we have always suspected, but could never prove, the OM was involved because he was actively stalking my wife at the time.
Needless to say, my wife and I didn’t find any humor in the closing moments of the latest episode of “Desperate Housewives”. But in spite of tragedy upon tragedy, we stuck together as a family and my kids have been amazing and successful and smart.
But are they relationship smart? MB smart?
I dunno. I do know that in addition to watching adults behave badly, my kids also saw their parents struggle with some of life’s ugliest nightmares and come through it with love and respect for each other intact. I’m certain that taught them lessons I probably can’t even put into words. I think they can – and will – “get it” when they meet someone so special they decide to spend the rest of their lives with that person.
As all of you have no doubt learned, you have no direct control over anyone but yourself. You choose how you react to the world around you, and that’s it. But I reject the logic that says since you can’t make your spouse be faithful, or make your kids obey your rules, the only defense is to guard your heart with the “kick ‘em to the curb if they screw up” attitude.
Sure, you can’t
make another person
do anything, but how you conduct yourself and how you treat others can, and does, have a profound influence on them. Plan B and tough love have their place. So do compassion and forgiveness. And it should go without saying that respect and kindness are a given no matter which approach is used.
How do you replace fear with hope and confidence? To quote the sig line of a long ago poster named Zoey,
“Time heals nothing. It’s what you do with your time that matters.”So the question is, what are you going to do with your time?
There are gifts to be given and rules to be mastered. Peace, friends. I wish you all the best.
~SFH
[color:"#666666"]
Don’t walk behind me: I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Walk beside me so we may be as one. [/color]
