I am so confused. Our family survived an infidelity of my h. 10 years ago, but I could not forget that and I was reminding him about that all these 10 years almost every day. For last two years I been so crazy that I was checking personal emails and phone calls, calling work few times a day, was having a fight all the time when my h. would go and see friends. I start doing that because he revealed some email conversation with another woman, because he did not wanted for me to find out about it from different sources. After that he stopped emailing and we moved to a different place. He is a people person and you can say attractive, so he always have female friends. As soon as he mentions someone elses name I go nuts. So he stopped telling me about his friends at work., and He warned me to stop checking at him and reminding him about what he has done years ago, otherwise he would just do it again, because he tired of listening. I tried to stop, but I could not, because I felt something is coming up. I was right or not, but it did happen. For about a month he was misleading me and coming home drunk. He told me about A. when he stopped. He stopped himself. He told me that he does not want to ruin our relationship and what we have together because of it. When he stopped, I left a house for couple days, but we called each other and I came back (during that time he called once the other person)
I do not know what to do now. I saw a counselor one time and she introduced me to co-dependency, that is how I found out that I am a co-dependent.I read a book " Suriviving an Infidelity" by Dr. Harley, but still I am confused. Sometimes I want to run away from him as far as possible, but I can not. I tried to leave him, but he called and I really can not. He says all the time that he loves me and I suspect that I do to. We have sex every night now as we did befre, we talk, but I do not feel a connection between us.
So, as you can see total mess. Now on top of everythink I found a friend who I meet once an a while. I only kissed him a couple times, and we hugged. I know it is wrong, and probably it is cheating as well. I told my friend that we only friends from now on, but everytime I see him tries to hug me or kiss. I am going to see him one more time one on one, and I promised myself that is it. I am not in love with him or anything like that. It just I think I am mad and he was there. I am posting this because deep inside I love my h., but I need an advice on how to overcome his A., even thought he is saying that I has done nothing wrong, and he just could not handle the stress at work and got into drinking and here ago it happen. He took the person with him to a different city just as a friend ( according to him), but they got drunk and had s. After that he was continuing on seeing the person for a month at the local bar (they worked together), and I do not know what ...
Is anybody has experienced this before? Is it possible to survive this? Is it my fault?

Now it is worse, I stopped seeing my friend and got into email conversation with another men and was going to meet him. My h. would always ask me to be honest with him, since I was asking the same think - so I told him. He knows about both accidents now. I believe that he is going to be OK. I know it is not an excuse but I did not sleep with any of them. I am very confused, since I do not see a light in my future. I want him to suffer for the pain he brought to me, and want him to feel what it feels like when you w. sleeps with another person.
I am thinking a lot, and the only way out of this is divorce. I just do not know how I am going to live withhout him. I so confused that so I do not know what I feel anymore.

Confused,
It is cheating. No question. What you are contemplating is a revenge affair. Will this solve anything? If you want to save your marriage and make it better this board is a good place to be. No one here will encourage you to have an affair. That will only make your marital problems much worse.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, S2...

Have you been reading here on this website, all the articles linked to the right of your screen near the top? How about Codependent No More...and His Needs, Her Needs? Harley's Love Busters is excellent, also.

Your marriage is in a mess right, so your pain is understandable. Both you and your H made the mess...and the great news, I believe, is that as each of you recover personally, you don't just clean up the marriage...you build a new one, from a lot of self-education, examination and realizations.

You can do this. You chose...no accident...to have EA's with two men recently...your choices were made from your resentment, which fueled your entitlement...and this was due to a lack of respect...for you, your H and your marriage.

When you have your needs met by a person outside the marriage (and be sure to figure out which needs those were), then you're cheating...you're stealing what should come from your H by getting it from someone else. He did the same thing...his was an A, also, not just a Physical Affair, (PA) because it lasted a month of meeting and seeing each other.

All contact continues the affair...yours and his. There is no "friendship" after an A...can't be. Read here about no contact...and begin to define boundaries for you, your H defines his, and together, define them for the marriage itself...which would include no opposite-sex friends...because then, a person of the opposite sex plays part of the role of a spouse...a confidante, maybe a recreational companion or a work-buddy. Know this is a healthy boundary made not to limit freedom but to protect us from us...

Please reconsider counseling...once is not enough. You want to commit to this marriage, then changing you becomes the top priority...not changing who you are, but those beliefs in you which gave you permission to cheat, to retaliate, to hurt back when hurt...the justification, which isn't there. This is you about you. Getting set on what is goes a long way to end the confusion. Same for your H. Learn really good communication skills, about open and honesty...what you own and what he owns...find your power.

You can do this.

When you hurt and try to hurt back...you are attempting to force another person to walk in your emotional shoes...I know...been on the receiving and dishing out end. You're not alone. Before you make that choice, please consider this...the belief it is okay to hurt back when you hurt is based on a belief you acquired when you were roughly two years old. Is that how you want to live your adult life? Based on a belief like that? Or do you want to pursue integrity, feel awesome about yourself, know that hurting back only adds crap and more pain to crap and pain?

Your choice. You can do this. You are not defective or wrong...you are a whole human being, complete and marvelously made...seeing yourself that way takes a lot of work, and you do that by keeping your focus on you, because you're worth it, and stop reacting to what others do, which makes you do, which makes them do...it's confusing...and why wouldn't it be? Think 2-yr-olds get to be married? Work? Drive? No...so why let yours run your life and make your decisions? That would be VERY confusing, wouldn't it?

LA

thank you for responding. I am confused, because I thought he will never ever do that to me, since he knew how hard it was for me. I am confused because during the time of his 2A he would always say that he loves me ans wants spend the entire life with me, but still go and drink with that person and had s.. I am confused, because I do not know what to expect from him in the future. I know nobody can predict the future, but I need some reassurance.

I want to save my marriage, because of kids and selfish reason, but I do not want to be a doormat. If I stay with him this time, then he will think that it is OK and will have A. again.
I am so stressed that even my anti-d. are not helping me.
Advice?

No. "fault" is a useless, debilitating word. Maybe a better word would be an "eye opener" that your marriage is in serious danger.

The fact that you are being honest with him, says a multitude for you and for the hope of you marriage.

Is there anyway the both of you could get into counseling with the Harley's?

I do not know, but I have all the books by Dr. Harley and I am reading them now. I also told h. to read them too. He says he knows what his problem is, and he just blow evrythink up because of the stress. Does not do any good to me at all. I just need some advice on how to act in order to make him learn the lesson. Seems like he did not learn it back then.

You cannot make him learn a lesson Simon, but they say that if one changes, the other must also change...the dynamics of the relationship must change for the better if one person changes for the better.

I guess it is up to you to be the one to change, but get the notion of "teaching him a lesson" out of your head. That is not going to get you where you want to go.

we have talked and decided that we are going to work to bring our marriage back together, but I am the only one who seems like can not forget. I am standing in the middle and can not make a decision to leave or give another chance. I am afraid of leaving, and I can not forget. I am really mad at myself.