I recently found out that my husband of 16 years has been having lunch with the same single woman for the past 5 years. They met whilst working together on a project for two companies, she worked for one company, my husband worked for the other. They had regular business meetings involving a team of people. They started meeting away from work for lunch, always at the same restaurant, always just the two of them. They met usually once a month until my husband retired, then they started meeting for lunch more often, weekly,fortnightly or whenever was convenient. They spoke by email and phone weekly. They bought each other Birthday and Christmas presents, and at least one of his presents to her was sending flowers to her office. He has never once sent flowers to me. He either hid her gifts or lied to me about them. He kept music cd's she had given him in his car, he told me these were just a gift from one business collegue to another. He kept some expensive artwork from her in a shopping bag in his personal storage area and said he was not hiding it, it was in full view because the bag was not sealed. He says he cannot remember most of the gifts he gave to her or received from her.
My husband never told me he was seeing this woman or that he was buying her gifts. He tells me ther is something wrong with me for being hurt and upset because he lied to me and kept his friendship with this woman a secret and that if I don't feel secure that is my problem not his.
My husband tells me ther is nothing wrong with secretly meeting a friend for lunch and that I have a sick mind to infer otherwise. He keeeps saying there was nothing wrong because it was just lunch and perfectly innocent that two friends would never invite anyone else along to join them.
My husband says he loves me and that his woman has never been a threat to our marriage. He has ceased all contact with her.
My husband took me to have lunch with her at their usual restaurant. My husband left the table for a short time, whilst he was gone, she said they never talked about me and continually used the word we when she spoke about my husband and her, she was quite ****** in her conversation with me but when my husband came back to the table she was all smiles. She wasn't too interested in me during the lunch, her conversation was about how great she is, poor me things she has to put up with and in between sentences flattering my husband. I told my husband afterwards about her nastiness, he said he couldn't believe it, she is not like that.
He has other women friends who are not secrets and are friendly to me. What do you think ?

Uhm..

Is there really any doubt in your mind that something's up?

ahhhhhh.

Take this from someone who knows - from BOTH sides of the A coin (to steal a phrase from a freind of mine) - there is definitely something ammiss.

Definitely.

Big Time.

He is deluding himself and you, so try to not be so surprised by what will follow.

I recommend you do some snooping. No, ALOT of snooping, and be very careful. be nice and sweet and genuine as you can while you snoop, but snoop.

Honestly, there is NO WAY it is platonic. Seems reasonable, based on movies and media, but not in REAL LIFE.

Begin by sorting through phone records. Look at every single reciept and scrap of paper you can find. Look at his phone contacts, email contacts, hire a PI if possible.

you must have your facts together, not suspicions. Your suspicions are correct.

They ALWAYS are.

You must remain calm. As calm as you can be.

"Friends" is not likely. Not likely at all.

Honey, I fooled mySELF that way, and my H fooled himself that way. We bought into the media crap that "freinds" is possible - but it is NOT. If it hasn't already started, it will. But I'm willing to bet lottery-style money it has already begun. EA or PA. Most likely both.

Sorry to hit you with both guns blaring, but you need to be prepared. You need to get your ducks in order and your head and your heaert. A lot ahead.

You will want to believe him - bad. You will want to trust your hopes and wishes - bad. BUT, you know as well as I do - there is a reason this is niggling at the sides of your brain - it is because SOMETHING isn't in place - soemthing's changed, you just can't quite put your finger on it just yet.

What has changed? What habits, what routines?

It will become startlingly clear later, so don't worry about it yet, just LOOK. Look and look and look. Get your hands on bank records, especially. Look for changes in spending habits, where they are, cash withdrawals, especially. Look at WHEN they happen and whether they make sense with your life.

Caution yourself to wear a pleasant facade and don't speak until you can provide proof. The proof will help you later, but he will deny deny deny. Did I say DENY?

He will make you out to be silly, crazy, witchy, mean, invading, suspicious, on and on and on. It is part of the package for now (then) when you've got the proof.

Breathe. Cry. Exercise. Remember to eat. Post. But show him pleasant wify for now.

Trust us. We've been there.

Other with more style and diplomacy will post, too, I'm sure.

Watch your back. We will, too.

Restarting

I lost count of the number of times you used the word "secret" or some derivative of it in your post. There is no place in a marriage for secrets. There is everything wrong with what your husband is doing and nothing wrong with you for being bothered by it.

Cheating spouses always try to throw the blame on the betrayed spouse. Like a magician's slight of hand. They try to distract you from the obvious.

Please look at mulans "gaslighting" post.

Sorry you are here--no one plans on finding themselves here. But his place has helped me immensely.

Don't confront you H about anything until you have evidence of something. If you do so prematurely, it will drive all activity underground, and it will be much harder to track what's going on. Play the part of the loving and completly clueless wife (which I unwittingly played VERY well), and meanwhile DIG, DIG, DIG. Hire a PI if you need to to follow him at suspect times. Check and records you can find. Check his internet habits (I have heard of getting a keylogger to do this--I didn't actually have to do that), hide a small tape recorder in his car--you could catch an incriminating cell phone call or something. But I am sorry to say that this doesn't pass the smell test. There is no innocent explanation for what is going on. There is no innocent reason that she would behave that way to you.

Good luck, and best wishes,

-C.

I think you ought to go shopping, get yourself looking sharp and make him wonder what u r up to. The OW has him wrapped around her finger and she loves pushing that in your face. Expect her to bring up the claws every chance she gets.

Get a good MC and a plan. Better yet, read Surviving an affair, His needs/Her nneds - both by Dr Harley. Take the EN questionnaire (once as yourself and 2nd as your H). Call Steve Harley @ MB for some phone counseling and a plan. Seems your H has addiction problems.

I have seen MLCs like this....used to work for a guy (60 years old) who made his 30 year old bimbo his 'most important employee'. At least that's what he told me..... so just so he could keep his word, all his other employees and many of his clients, left the company. LOL!!!

L.

Talor, I don't know what to say.

Your story is almost exactly the same as mine. Lunch dates kept secret because H knew that I would not like it and he says so as to avoid a scene he kept quiet. I found out after about three years. H claims 'just friends' and has gone from telling me he is doing nothing wrong; everybody at work knows that they have lunch together so its out in the open; I am the only one who seems to have a problem with it (wanna bet! Our children are not at all happy and have told him so - change nothing but at least he knows); to now telling me that she is dealing with a lot of problems and if having lunch with him three or four days a week helps with that then he intends to continue to do so.

Nothing here about my needs, Just hers.

I don't mean to take over your thread but I have been unsuccessful in having him admit that he is in an EA with OW, and as a result nothing will change.

Look after yourself. If you find evidence of an affair, take the advice of those experienced persons on this board. They have a wealth of knowledge and will support you as you work you way through. Some of the advice already given is spot on. Be prepared for the name calling, blaming you for the problems in the marriage i.e. there was no problem before you started accusing me of having an affair with this woman etc etc etc. You may be surprised at what your H is capable of saying to you as he tries to defend his actions. I am still stunned at some of mine.

Know that others are thinking about you and wishing you well. Sometimes that is all that I have to hold onto and it can be enough in the rough times.

Good luck

Georgina