Stop this Soap Opera, I want to get off!

Hi all,
I have been lurking this site since January, and find it to be an invaluable resource. Well today I registered!

I tried calling into Dr Harley's radio program yesterday for help only to find out I was 20mins too late for the day. Then I missed out today too since it was a "Best of" hour.

Doh! =). Oh well, I will survive. And I am sure there is plenty of good advice waiting for me from yall. Now that my registration issues seem to be solved.

Before I get too much more long winded (like all these stories end up), let me state my question 1st.
***
I have a timeline imposed upon me that requires me to execute a compromised Plan A/B. What plan of action should I take to ensure I leave the door open as wide as possible for recovery at a later point in time? My wayward wife plans to leave me and take our young 3 sons 8-hours away from me when school lets out in June. And this is supposed to be a reasonable drive for me to visit "anytime I want". =) On top of that it is outside of the country. So I am forced to file for divorce in order to legally stake things down here where my career is based. My WW has no career, nor education, and expects me to "support her success" in obtaining both. =) I wanted a happy family so bad that she actually had me talked into this plan for a short period of time. Then I opened my eyes to the world of self help, therapy, healthy relationships, this site, etc. I am awake and an entirely new person now!

See next post for more details...
--d2m3s

Welcome. Is she having an affair? If so, is the other man married?

We need a lot more details than that to help you, pardner. If you have to file for separation or divorce to keep your wife from taking them out of the country, do it. You'll need more than a couple of weeks to make any reconciliation work.

So the details are as follows...
For the past 5 months I have been treating my situation as dealing with a withdrawn wife. Even though I have had a number of suspicions in the past 2 years, I never thought there was disrespect between us that would make an affair possible. Foolishly I skipped that chapter of the basic concepts. And I also didn't mention it to Dr Harley when I phoned his radio show in January. Now I know that of course this level of "trust" will most always end in disaster. But eventually I had to wonder why she wasn't coming back into the state of conflict (where I could begin meeting her emotional needs). And it always seemed so strange to me that 90% of the posts on this site are about infidelity, and I though well HECK, we don’t have anything as serious as THAT, and those people even seem capable of recovery, what is wrong here?!. So after already finding some questionable material on our family PC, I took the repeated advice that I have seen on this site, and began snooping. Turns out EVERY suspicion that I had is true and escalating right under my nose! I'm sure not many of you are surprised. Me neither... ANYMORE!

I can't say that I am upset about the past 5 months happening the way they did. I was no saint in our relationship; as you can probably figure since an affair did blossom in the 1st place. But this was a *H*U*G*E* wake-up call for me. I am literally a new person. In November 2005 she said "this isn't working". So I went looking for help and found this site... I was skeptical about PoJA and PoRH for a few days, but quickly realized why they are a MUST in ALL relationships. I learned what a healthy relationship is, and many reasons why my WW and I never had one. I started individual therapy on the advice of our marriage councilor, and I bought into the entire concept of mental-health. I began meditating. I read-Read-READ materials about mental health, parenting strategies, and healthy life styles. My angry outbursts are a thing of the past. It's amazing that such little time meditating puts me in such precise control of myself. Amongst all this stress and confusion, my thoughts are so much sharper and quieter; easier to sift through and process. I have ZERO desire to use alcohol or other drugs. I almost have to force myself to drink a beer or glass of wine if a social setting arises. I have a more amazing relationship with my 3 sons now than I did in all of my previous 7 years of fatherhood! I rarely need to raise my voice at them; and barely ever need to physically punish them anymore. Yet they are better behaved now than any point in the past 2 extremely stressful years of our life. I began praying again at night and asking for guidance. So there is no way I can regret this situation ever happening. I learned to make some well-needed and invaluable changes to myself and my lifestyle; changes that human-kind is not born knowing intuitively.

She doesn't know that I know about the affair. And it is almost humorous to listen to her Space Invader rhetoric and LIES, except it is so sick. The same old stuff posted by all of the other BS's on this site. But she is starting to pester me all the time that June is quickly approaching, can we talk about getting her set up in Canada (according to the old space alien plan). And it drives me crazy that I have to lower myself to lie in order put her off to buy more time. I know she will flip out when she learns that: I filed for divorce, I will strive for more time with my boys, I will pay only to her what reasonable amount that the court will require, and I will be staking the boys' best interest down in this state (viewed by court). I almost can hear her throwing every word in the book at me already. But I know it will be an awkward and strenuous transitioning period. It actually scares me that she may try to flee with my boys. I retained a lawyer who says legally I would have little to worry about; since that would make her a criminal. I still get uneasy though. Would I really want to risk dealing with that happening? But I am on very good terms with her family. And I know who the OM is.

I have since read the Infidelity Basic Concepts on this site. And my copy of SAA should arrive to the bookstore tomorrow. Maybe I also need to read BR&FL? =) I also have read HNHNfParents. Some mutual friends told me long ago that she had become a Free Loader and needed a life lesson is self-sustainment... Guess I just felt I loved her too much to do that. Only to learn that it is not cruel; it is really needed.

Well, guess I will wind it down here and let yall offer me some advice.

In review: What plan of action should I take to ensure I leave the door open as wide as possible for recovery at a later point in time? Not that I am banking on it with my new self improvements, but according to Harley's plan (that has been a virtual-Nostradamus so far), she will come back to me in about 4 months after she and her affair meet reality. In the rare event that she is willing to employ the Harley's method, I would like to be ready to give my boys two happy parent living under the same roof. But I am not holding my breath. In all the imporovement I have done on myself, I have only realized how much she is in need of some too. Not so sure she will step up to the plate...
--d2m3b.

Wow, that was a quick response!

I'm laughing out loud a lh's reply... little did he know what avalanche I was typing up. =)

--d2m3s.

Ahem - is the other man married?

Thankyou Believer.

Yes, it is an affair. The OM is married with 3 kids. Still trying to dig for more information on why he is willing to put his marriage at risk for his kids.

--d2m3b.

I was gett'n to you Believer... =)

Patience has never been one of my strong points........

It wasn't mine either, but it seems to be getting better everyday now.
--d2m3b.

The first thing I would do is contact his wife.

D23boys, is there a reason you haven't confronted your wife about her adultery? I don't know what you think will get better if you don't break up the affair, but I read a reluctance to do that in your words. What's up with that? What evidence have you gathered she's involved in an inappropriate relationship? If you've been lurking out here, you know you need to develop a strategic plan to recover your marriage. What have you done on that plan so far?

By the way, don't make the mistake of leaving your home in connection with a separation or divorce action and do not allow her to take your children out of the country. Because of recent events, what state do you live in?

Believer,
Until my WW comes back to her senses, I am concerned that if she learns that I know about the A that she flee. I feel I need to protect myself and my sons as best as possible.

So I am a little concerned to play the trump card of directly contacting the OM's wife. I know that she deserves to know. Re: confronting my WW, I could just say something like “the lies have become obvious, and I have given you plenty benefit of doubt. I don’t know who it is, but I know that it must be going on.”

But I'm willing to bet that you're going to suggest that this plan is not direct enough, right? So get out the 2x4. I’m ready to be set straight.

As a side note, I would be willing to confess ALL (including my snooping) if she were party to the PoRH.
--d2m3b.

The best way to end an affair is to expose it. Chances are good that the other man will end it if his wife finds out.

Was there abuse in your marriage, or alcohol problems?

Longhorn,
I probably want to avoid doing anything out of spite. I have acquired MASSIVE amounts of information. I can’t tell where the fog starts and ends. But the stuff that she says about me makes me wonder if she was EVER happy with me. And she has a personality that… well let’s just say that now that my eyes are open, I think she would call Dr, Harley’s program a Crock of [you know what].

There is NO WAY I plan to let her take the kids permanently. But as for temporary visits to her folks I don’t see how I can really stop that without a court order. Nor would I want to punish her folks for something they did not do. Which as you suggested with reconciliation, the court order won’t happen anytime soon.
I don’t plan on leaving my home (it is rented) until she gets her own income and gets her own place. To keep her from taking the kids pre-maturly, my lawyer suggested that I put her on a “limited budget” since she has most everything that she needs under this roof.

But D is already filed for. And I will speak to my lawyer next week about more detailed next steps….
--d2m3s.

Believer,
Never any physical abuse. I didn’t know that emotional abuse was really abuse until I found this site. So we have 10 years chuck full of emotional abuse on both sides. I wouldn’t say that either of us are alcoholics in the since that we couldn’t go a day/week w/o a drink, but we definitely both abused alcohol when it came to how we treated each other. She a short temper. My temper used to me non-existent when I was stressed.

I know tht exposing the affair is what I need to do, I just have reasons that make me “reluctant” as lh put it. That’s probably the main reason I finally registered. I have given into WW request that we not talk about her leaving me to our friends and family. She has not really told her family, but I found proof that she has told a fair share of people behind my back. I don't want to be spiteful. But I do not want to be accused as the bad guy either.
--d2m3b.

2X4's indeed. You're sitting beside the tracks, watching the train come down the grade. If you stay in your current mode, the best possible outcome is that you keep your intelligence sources, but you lose the war. You can't be subtle, mister. Sending copies of SAA is a meaningless gesture at this point. If you want to save your marriage, you have to be proactive and willing to do the hard things. Are you willing to do that or are you just going to go along with the flow?

If you're not willing to expose, man, the war's over. Dr. Harley's plan is a coherent set of procedures that can get your wife out of her fantasy world and back to her family. Do you want to turn Dr. Harley's principles into action or not?

longhorn,
I want a healthy marriage with my wife more than anything. Now that I am awake, I know that the marriage that we had for the past 7 years is unacceptable. I have serious problems believing my wife would ever agree to PoJA, PoRH, NC, etc…. That really dims my hope for her. But I know that my boys deserve it.

I agree that the A snuffs out the rest of the hope. So let’s talk about exposure scenarios. Is there a middle ground that gets the job done, or are we talking “nuclear option” or nuth’n.
--d2m3b.

longhorn,
Yes. I want to execute Dr. Harley’s plan. So maybe 1st and foremost I need to get my hands on SAA. I had the bookstore order it on Wednesday.

So regarding divorce. You believe I have to do it, right? To keep my kids within the border. Will this have a large negative impact on Dr. Harley’s plan? I’m just confused about whether there is a Plan A left for me at this point, or if I am forced to hit Plan B.
--d2m3b.