She's manipulated into being quiet, while she spins the story to make her leaving seem reasonable to everyone close to her.

She's portraying your marriage as a lost cause, she's been "trying" all this time but its just not working out. She's gaining the support of her friends and family while making herself look like the "good guy". Because she of course knows she would get NO support for destroying her family because of an affair.

She's thinking she can get you to cooperate with divorcing her "amicably" then she can bring OM into the picture cleanly. Everyone will be happy for her new chance at happiness.

YOU MUST DESTROY THIS FANTASY.

NUCLEAR.

And by the way, you are a long long way from getting your wife to agree to any of these principles. I wouldn't even bring them up at this point. Other than to tell her you have a plan for building your marriage to a better place than ever before.

Take a good look at GoodFathers post for ideas on custody of kids. She's not a suitable parent, plus the fear of losing custody of her kids is another eye opener for her.

She's another one that thinks she can control the process of splitting up the family. Take away her control!!!

many actually express relief at being discovered.


Max

Lexxxy,
Yes, YES, YES!!! You hit the nail on the head. That is EXACTLY what she has been doing. She even played our marriage counselor. Dammit why does trying to be nice equate to stupid. Yes, I need to go nuclear. Let’s put a plan together for me. Honestly, what have I got to loose? A woman that doesn’t like me? A bunch of her friends that I am not close to?

And I bet that GoodFather’s post will suggest that I go for full custody of the children? The thought had crossed my mind. But of course I was thinking the last thing I want would be to separate my boy’s mother from them. My lawyer told me that if my wife has been a stay at home mom all of these years, then there was little chance in getting the boys from her. But then I told the lawyer how I’ve worked from a home office for the past 2 years, and have been pulling 90% of domestic and child rearing duties the past 6 months (and winning all the bread) while she has been developing this affair The lawyer immediately told me to start keeping a log of the time I spend with my boys. I want what is fair for me too.
--d2m3b.

Max,
Please explain the relief of being exposed? That they don’t have to hide it anymore? Or they are ready to end it because of guilt? Or something different?
Thanks,
--d2m3s.

Lexxxy,
Were you referring to GoodFather’s mention of the Hauge Convention? My boys have dual-citz’ship, so I’m not sure if that would apply or not. But my lawyer firmly believes that the foreign police would bring her to the country “in hand-cuffs” if need be, since our residence is here, and I filed here.
--d2m3b.

OK, I’m going to get some shut eye now. But thanks for all of the great advice everyone; and on the very 1st night. Keep pushing me. I know what I need to do. But it helps to have the wisdom and experiences of an entire MB site for support.
Thank you,
--d2m3s.

Pardner, I don't say you must get a divorce. I said do what you have to do to make sure your wife doesn't take the children out of the home and off to another country. If you have to file a divorce petition (or for a legal separation) in order to make that happen, then yes, I do think you should go ahead and do that. However, understand, filing such an action does not mean you are divorced the next day. It takes time, up to two years in some states. If you can get a restraining order (or a protection order, as appropriate) without filing for divorce right now, that would be better. The point of anything you do in the legal arena is to give you the time to put MB principles into effect.

Now, if you want to work Dr. Harley's plan, I put together an outline on another guy’s thread a few days ago. Rather than duplicate it, check it out if you have some time and ask any questions you may have. The outline can be found here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Okay, that’s quite a bit to absorb so I’m going to stop here. Start compiling a list of questions you have and post them. All of us here on MB are here to help you. It’s the only reason we’re here. Hang in there, guy.

d2,

Being a WS isnt all its cocked up to be...might be fun and exciting for a while..

but for some their personal expense to keep the affair a secret, to lie time and time again till they cant even remember the lies told and the lies not even told yet can overwhelm them.

Mentally exhaust them infact. Being exposed is a weight off their shoulders.

Some also want the affair to end...being found out is a way for that to happen. You would probably be suprised at the number of WS's in affairs seeking counselling to end it all....to find out the how do I's.

Anyhow, I would expose by ways of a premediated, controlled nuclear drop.

Counselling is a good safe place for that to happen.

Max

longhorn,
I quickly read the plan you outlined. It sounds like a good plan. I will obviously need to make modifications since my situation is compromised. But even if it all fails. I think that your own words state best what I’d like to end up with:

“the comfort of knowing you did everything humanly possible to salvage your marriage. You will be able to hold your head high.”

I am going to keep this one short and spend some time with the boys now. I’ll write more tonight about starting a controlled exposure plan. I thought about it some as I drifted to sleep last night. I think that I am comfortable ltting some information out to her parents. Their body language the other week told me they were already worried with her recent behavior. I shouldn’t need to muddle them with any proof. I will just express my concerns and her plans.

I think that I can think of a way to tell the OM’s wife the right way. Confronting my WW and the OM will be trickier… But I will give it some though.

Telling my family would have to be classified as an UNCONTROLLED nuke drop. Not sure if that would leave any reconciliation doors open. But I am getting tired of being less than honest with them. Not too sure what to do there right now, or how long I should hold out.
--d2m3b.

Max,
Good points on why a WS may want to be discovered. And I just remembered something else that I think I read in Dr Harley’s material. The WS may want to know that the BS still gives a [email]d@mn[/email] about them…. Not so sure that this applies in my case.
--d2m3s

Just remember that filing for divorce is simply part of a protective strategy for your boys. Its not that we want to see you actually divorced.

You file, protect your rights, then drag it out as long as possible. What that does is give you time to work through the rest of your strategy.

I see you're getting comfortable with exposure -- thats good, because it is critical. When you get closer to actually doing it you'll need to remember that you haven't done anything wrong -- she has. And you will need to be firm and calm, because she is going to spew VENOM at you.
Disregard everything she says about it, she is out of her mind.

The other part of this strategy is PLAN A. For you to begin restoring the love and meeting her EN's. If you have let her down in ways, fix them. Demonstrate your willingness to be the partner you were when you fell in love.

more later....

D23mb, why do you say your situation is compromised? Because she intends to leave next month? I'm not sure that will happen, friend. For one thing, you're going to have a separation order/divorce petition with a Restraining Order in effect prohibiting her from taking the children anywhere. That's a powerful motivator in keeping her around. It's not completely effective, but it will dissuade all but the most foolhardy.

A couple of other things. If you can give us a timeline on this adultery, it might spark something in someone’s mind out here. The length and depth of an adultery may affect the advice you get. Discovering information piecemeal is the least effective method of communication you know. Tell us whether this is a physical affair, for instance, where/how they met, what you know of the OM (is he married, where does he work, etc.), and stuff like that. Tell us why you want to do an incremental exposure too. Sometimes we can point out reasons for not doing it that way for reasons you cannot see just yet. (The “too close to the forest to see the trees” syndrome.) Also, explain your comment on the nuclear option regarding exposure to your family.

Use your anonymity out here, D23. Give more detail, rather than less, so something important doesn't get missed because we didn't know about to ask about it, okay? Hang in there. Your circumstances are a lot more favorable than many we've seen.

longhorn,
I say my situation is compromised since I did not have a clean Plan A, and now have to file for D for protective reasons. Just not textbook perfect, that’s all. I know that it is still possible to come up with a good strategy though. That’s why I finally registered. I end up being piecemeal just because there is SO much info. If I sit down and write novels, it takes time away from my kids, work, sleep, etc. I know my anonymity is good on this site.

I see some evidence that OM may not be ready to leave his wife. Guess he is fence sitting? So there could be a chance of his M being repaired?

OM went to WW’s high school. They did not really know each other then. He set up a school website. Has a post forum like this site. My wife became obsessed with this site. Obsessed with being the most popular. She took up planning their alumni reunion for late this summer. She would flirt shamelessly with the guys, to prompt them to post sexy things about her at the expense of other girls. After one of my emotional outbursts in late November, she told me she didn’t think that things were going to work out between us. She had already removed her wedding and engagement rings. It is clear to me now that she was already sucked into EAs on that site by that point. Out 1st marriage counseling session was early-mid January 2006. By then she was already professing to me that “we are NOT together”. That she set me free to do what I want. But she hasn't made a move away from our household. So after finding the MB site, I always had faith that we could be repaired.) My proof now shows that by our 1st Marriage Counseling session, her affair already focused in on OM, and shifted the rest of the men to flirting status, but very sexual flirting) After getting a webcam from my mother for Christmas, Cyber-sex was accelerating. Then the PA broke out when she went to “visit friends” in Feb/March. And again in April/May. By April/May I already had my suspicions confirmed, and some proof of PA.

Notice the part about she views us as not together. I know she will try to hide behind this status when I confront her about A. Almost laughable, right? Kind of like Ross & Rachel’s “break” on Friends.

So like I said, being that I am a new person with my temper and outlook on life, I am able to *almost* sit here as if I were a 3rd party to it. My kids - I never want to loose. Loosing her? How can I really allow myself to get too upset about what I cannot control about her. I am surely willing to give her a chance under Harley’s program. But I already expressed my doubts to you that she would even come close to buying into the program. The most damaging thing to me I think is, I found out that 2 years ago, she kissed and fondled with yet *another OM* that she had a crush on years before. I should have known. That is when our bigger problems arose between us. Had she alreeady given up on me by then? Is that not cheating? WTF? Is this really who I am married to? Have I been blind to what kind of person she really is? Guess it must be part my fault for putting blind trust in her. Dr. Harley even says that he and Joyce don’t “trust” each other. That trust is a recipe for disaster.

So I guess I will digress a little from the affair now. The past 2 years have been an extremely difficult transition. We are from oppocite sides of north america. She lived there with me for 8 years. (2 before we were married). She always wanted to move back home to be closer to her folks. I tried to get a job there once before we were married, but it did not pan out. The 36 hour drives became more and more painful each year as we had more kids. I tried again to get a job there 2 years ago that did not pan out. In hind-site, I now see I made the mistake of breaking PoJA and giving into selfish demands, when she nearly gave me an ultimatum to take a new role that would transfer me 30 hours closer to her home town. I don’t mean to knock any of my neighbors out there, but this is a “different world” here. Adjusting was a huge issue. My new job was a huge issue. Cost of housing is insane. We accrued massive debt waiting for our old home to sell. Stress, STRESS, STRESS!!!! My WW already said that we were growing apart because of stress and depression. In hind site, I should have taken her more serious. Instead, I just said that we had to stick together and provide for each other and the stress would eventually be alleviated. So here we are now in this situation. She is 8 hours away from where she wants to be if she leaves me and can take the kids. I am 30 hours away from where I would want to be if I could take the kids. Truth of the matter is, I could see myself trying again for a job in her hometown *IF* we were to recover. But as it stands right now, I need to start making some decisions to make myself happy. I have learned now how impossible and unhealthy it is for me to try and make her happy. She needs to be happy on her own first, right?

The “UNCONTROLLED nuke option” regarding exposure to my family is that I can see them feeling betrayed enough that they gang up on my WW, or yank their relations with her. Like I’ve said many times in this thread… I have done a LOT of self work in the past couple of months. My family hasn’t. And where do you think I learned all of that inappropriate behavior? That is all. But if you can make a case for me to do it; I may be swayed.

Thanks for the hope,
--d2m3b.

Lexxxy & All,
I think I need to start the exposure very soon. Providing that you advice does not change pending my previous post about OM desire to remain with his wife. My copy of SAA still did not arrive. =( So I am extra dependant on yall’s advice. Can you help me out soon?!

Tomorrow is Mother’s day. I won’t expose to her on that day. I want my kids to have as good a day with her as possible. Can you explain the criteria of the exposure list? What should I tell the people on the list to do? Am I putting the right people on? Should I put more on? I mentioned: WW, her parents, OM’s wife. She already fogged me before that we would never ever work things out if I tell my friends and family. But I am guessing that you are going to have me do it anyways. I think any of her friends may be a waste of time. I am worried about the controversy of exposure. I've seen both approval and disapproval on this site regardingthe extent of exposure.

Is there an order I should expose to? Do I do WW first? If so, I will need to do it on Monday or Tuesday before I leave at noon. Can you help me soon for this? I have a business trip next week that takes me to hometown of OM and his wife. Is this a sign that I should expose in person even though I never met them? Since I filed for D, I really wanted to get up to WW’s folks and tell them in person to buckle their seatbelts & that I value their relationship to both me and my kids. So I lied to my WW (damn I hate all of this lying) and said my business trip is a 2 city stop, in order to buy myself time to stop by her folks’ place. So is this another sign that I should expose A to her folks in person? I am not so sure... But Lexxxy is right, I shouldn’t come out that bad guy. I didn’t do anything wrong that I haven’t been trying to improve in the past 4+ months.

When the venom starts spewing, what should I do? Say nothing? Or actually refute any falsehoods? Right now I feel I could sit, and take it on the chin w/o uttering a word back. But would that debase the exposure? Could use some coaching here.

Plan A… Don’t know how when/how I can start it. I feel so drained from trying it at the wrong time for so long. But more importantly (“uhhgg”, like Krusty the Klown) when will she let me start meeting ENs? Even if the fog gets knocked down eventually, she AYCH-AAY-TEE-EEE ***HATES*** it here. She is so depressed it is not funny. She would rather be in my hometown than here, and that’s 30 hours in the wrong direction from where she “thinks” she wants to be? I know that I can’t make her improve upon herself.
[removed vent]
Man we’ve both had a lot working against us in the past 10 years. I am not surprised one bit why we are where we are. Hopefully SAA will outline some strategies when it arrives. But I am worried that she will leave me no place to start.

The D will be a good delay tactic. But I know I need to follow it through to show I am serious. Especially regarding my valued relationship with my kids. She thinks that I am being “fake” im my new ralationship with the kids. If she will not decide to change herself for even herself, then do I really want to be with that person? Uhhggg…. All of this awakening just makes me realize that I never want to have anything to do with unhealthy relationships again….

I hear that there is supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel,
--d2m3b.

Okay, that's a lot to digest, but I'm glad you took the time to go into the problem a little more deeply. It explains a lot and gives us something more to go on.

You're working with an attorney now, right? When do you plan to pull the trigger on filing the divorce petition. No Plan A is perfect, btw.

The information about the OM being happy with his marriage is significant. It'll be easier to break up the affair. How much do you know about this guy, btw. You need to know where he lives, his wife's name and some way to contact her.

You've said you want to do an incremental exposure. I don't favor those; I have a feeling it offers the WS time to adjust to people knowing about something very private, but I won't quibble. Under the circumstances, your best target for exposure also has the best chance of stamping out the affair quickly. Contacting the other man's wife (OMW) can have tremendous influence on him to break off with your WW. It could end as of the moment you talk to her. She is entitled to know about the defect in her marriage anyway.

After you break up the affair, and the restraining order is filed in conjunction with the divorce petition so she cannot take off with the children, you'll have some breathing room. Do you plan to confront her with your knowledge before she is served? How do you see that time period playing out?

longhorn,
Seems that these 2 “lovers” have been at it strong from the get go on the internet. And that I never really ever floated her boat; that I lack passion. Man… I would have liked passion in the relationship too. I don’t think that it was just me holding things back… She paints me as a total square. Why didn’t she ever let me know? I would have dove right in to it. I always got signals from her stating otherwise. Are these types of statements are normal in affairs? Or is this really something that could affect full recovery. I know now that perfect relationships are possible, and I want nothing shy of one. If she wont be party to it, I now know I really do have other fish in the sea.

So I already fired the D trigger last Monday. Waiting for about 4 weeks to go by now for processing, then her being served. Please explain how no plan A is perfect. Not that I doubt you, but it helps me to understand how things work.

I know the 1st & last names of OM & wife. I never met the other man, just seen his face all over the computer.

WW wants to try to go with me on my business trip; you know that she would make a break away to see him during my work. At 1st I thought Hah! Yeah, RIGHT! But now I’m thinking… Hey… maybe I can just let her lead me to him for the exposure. Nah, I should probably play it without WW, right?

So you are saying that I expose to OMW BEFORE to my WW? I need to get this part straight. I’m not quite sure what you mean by incremental exposure… Its not like I would ever get everyone in the same room to tell all together, right? So it’s just a matter of me making the list and making my rounds. I am thinking that I will visit her parents in person, and I can try to do OM wife in person too. But what if OM is there? Does it matter? Should I try to have it one way or the other? I feel like if I tell my family that she will resent it enough to make sure she never gives in to trying at our marriage. Is that what you mean by incremental? But hey, if that’s how she will act, then is that what I want in a relationship? So is there that much to loose in exposing to my family? Maybe I just won’t tell the 2 members that cause the most trouble. I can tell the other 3... dunno.

My WW wife is driving me CRAZY right now trying to talk about plans to set her and the kids up with a place in Canada. I am putting her off all the time. I can feel the love bank accumulating astronomical negative value. I almost feel like I should tell her soon to “go look for a job *HERE*, because I have already filed for divorce and we are both stuck here for a while. The State will not let either of us leave with the kids.” My lawyer said that any reasonable lawyer should be able to explain to her that the State needs to have the kids in the State in order to look out for their “best interest”.
That’s roughly what I am thinking at THIS MOMENT, but I could definitely use some coaching here too.

--d2m3b

As I dig deeper into A information, is it reasonable for me to believe that she may have never had respect for me at all? Or is she only remembering the worst of the worst times? Funny how the OM isn’t demeaning his wife AT ALL. While my WW seems to be my life-long arch nemesis.

Unfortunately, I feel I need to protect myself. The downside is that my memory is probably too good for my own good. I know that that may pose a problem if recovery ever becomes evitable.

She views me as a monster. And as being disgusting. She demeans every aspect about me from sexual performance, to passion, to relations with my kids, relations with our friends and family… EVERYTHING. And it is NON-stop. And she applies it from the very early years of dating and on.

I had always desperately wanted a better sex life and spark between us. But she always pushed me away, or made me feel awkward. Even though I know that kids do best with their two parents being in love, I can’t help but thinking it may be impossible. And that there must be someone out there for me that would make for an infinitely healthier relationship…

If there is a remote chance that even a fraction of these feelings are true, then I’m not so sure that I would want her back. The more I think about it this situation and my Plan B:
- Of course she is not going to find greener pastures on the other side of the fence. (Different, but not greener)
- And of course she is probably scared [censored]-less to walk away from my financial security.
- Of course the ridicule of breaking up our family with an A will be enough to want to sew things up between us.
- But do I really want her to want me for those reasons? The way I feel today is a resounding En-Oh, NO! He11 No. And it is even Mothers Day. And I admit that I got pretty sappy feeling when I picked a card out for her from the kids (and not me).

I know there are probably no right or wrong feelings. But I wouldn’t mind hearing others’ opinions on these feeling of mine.
--d2my3boys.

D2, most of what you see in your WW's communications with OM is also a part of almost every other adultery. On MB, we call it simply "rewriting history." In your wife's fantasy, absolutely nothing you have ever done right (in or out of bed) was ever worth anything. It was all kind of pathetic, from her alien point of view. On the other hand, every real or perceived slight, every time you didn't recognize her critically important needs, every time you got mad or were rude...all of these are now much bigger events than they were at the time.

Pay no attention to any of it. Remember reading references to "the alien?" Right now, for all practical purposes, that's what she is. Some alien pod burst and has absorbed her. Picture her with an alien head on her human body, if it helps you deal with the nonsense coming from her mouth and the venom in her writing.

Her constant barrage of plans to move to Canada and live happily ever after is also typical of wayward spouses. WS's cannot reason logically. They are in a fantasy and their alien brains don't understand how babble affects human beings. She thinks (she really does) that you if you knew about her wondrous relationship with the other man, you would recognize how beautiful and special it is. Because she's met her "soul mate," she thinks you will be glad for her and want her to be with him. I'm not kidding you...other betrayed spouses out here have told of their spouses actually saying such drivel. Your wife may also. Truly, she's an alien right now.

My point is, pay as little attention to her words or her emails as you can. Do NOT think she's actually writing about you. She's transformed the real you into a caricature of an evil monster so she can feel justified in what she's doing. It's an unconscious process, btw. She doesn't even know she's done it. Don't get caught up trying to figure out the alien!

Okay, by “incremental exposure” I mean exposing to someone or a particular group today, waiting to see if it’s had the right effect for “x” amount of time, then exposing to another group, waiting, etc., etc. If that’s not what you intend, I read something into your words that isn’t there. The preferred plan of exposure, to most of us out here, is to expose to all of your targets in as short a time frame as possible. That gives the wayward spouse no refuge with a group of people you haven’t yet exposed to and gives them no time to adjust to the idea that other people now know about their obscene adultery. Additionally, it gives them no opportunity to “spin” the facts so their fantasy takes precedence over reality. If YOU have already given “chapter and verse” to everyone, the wayward spouse can’t turn things around on you. Your exposure is yours. I recommend the latter.

The overall plan for these things is that:

A. You gather intelligence. You’ve done that far better than most and you now have more than you need for confronting your wife. I assume you’re passing much of this on to your attorney because the evidence you’re gathering serves the dual purpose of working on your marriage and protecting yourself in divorce proceedings. Whatever you do, safeguard that evidence. Keep it somewhere your wife cannot conceivably ever get to it. It needs to be off site, okay? Keep copies at hand for whatever purposes you have.

B. You confront your wife with your knowledge of her adultery. You give her just enough information to convince her you know. If you go to court in the divorce action, you’ll need to produce actual evidence, but that’s not where you are here. Tell her enough so she knows YOU know. Understand, you’re not trying to convince her she’s having an affair. She knows that. You refer to just enough dates, times, events, maybe special words she used, the other man’s name, where they’ve met…stuff like that. Make it clear you know she’s involved in a sexual relationship as well as the online crap.

1. You let her know you will not accept a third person in your marriage.
2. You ask her to break up with the other man.
3. You ask her to never have any contact with the other man again…ever! This is referred to as no contact, or NC.
4. NC is non-negotiable. If she ever sees, talks, emails, calls, sends an instant message to him, it breaks the NC and recovery starts over again from square one.

C. I sincerely doubt your wife will agree to the above. If she doesn’t, you begin the exposure step. See the discussion of exposure methods above. Exposure is your best tool to break up this adultery. Adultery can exist only in secrecy and darkness. When you shine a bright light under a rock, the nasty bugs skitter in all directions. It’s the same with shining a light of exposure on an adultery. It removes the secrecy, exposes the slimy underside, and begins the process of smashing the affair.

You do not tell your wife you are going to expose her adultery to your exposure targets. She will find out, of course…usually very quickly. She will be absolutely furious with you. She will probably scream at you and throw the worst tantrum you ever saw. Typically, a WW will swear at this point she was going to work on the marriage but you just blew that. She’ll use words you never heard her use before to describe your character, sexual prowess, and ability to be a father and husband, D2. The invective is usually quite incredible. BE PREPARED FOR IT. Let it slide right past you without comment. If you stay calm, focused, and on message now, it pays dividends down the road. Did I remind you to be calm? Oh, yes, by the way, you need to stay calm. Get the picture?

How about laying out your exposure list? Folks out here on MB have gone through this and might very well be able to make suggestions. The OM’s wife should be right at the top of that list. First, she has the right to know about the problem in her marriage no matter what else happens in all of this. Second, she can be a tremendous ally. In the overwhelming number of cases, the OMW doesn’t know about what’s been going on and will be motivated to try to save her own marriage by doing everything SHE can to break this up. That's your goal also. Some betrayed husbands are able to stay in contact with OMW to compare notes on suspected continuing contact after the initial exposure.

D. If exposure isn’t enough to bust up the affair, you technically go into Plan A at that point. If you haven’t read Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley, you need to get it and study, not read, study it from cover to cover. Everything said on MB is from practical applications of Dr. Harley’s principles laid out in that book.

There is a time limit for Plan A. You set the time limit, but generally, it’s six months for a man. It’s hard to maintain, there is stress involved because the wayward spouse still hasn’t committed to NC and the affair is still ongoing. That’s hard on you. If you get to this point, we’ll talk about the “carrot and stick” approach to Plan A, etc.

E. If Plan A doesn’t accomplish its goals, Plan B is necessary. We have plenty of time to discuss that at a future date after you’ve tried everything else.


Some “odds and ends” questions from your post:

No, you don’t take her on that business trip with you. In fact, if you do anything to enable the affair to continue, it’s counterproductive to your goals. Don’t do it.
Your wife IS going to resent exposure, whether to your family or to the OMW. Don’t let that affect your decision on who to expose to. If you do, you are protecting her from what…the embarrassment and shame of what she’s done, right? D2, it would be a BAD mistake for you to change what you need to do out of “consideration, or respect for her feelings.” Do NOT shield your wife from the consequences of her adultery. Don’t do it. It defeats the purpose.

You mentioned her emotional need for financial security. The lack of that need is also a very powerful tool to break up this affair. It’s like a bucket of cold water in the face. If she moves out (as opposed to just threatening to), you do NOT support her in her single lifestyle. Let her find out what it’s like out in that cold, cruel world outside her fantasy.

By the way, never move out of the home you’ve established for yourself, your wife, and your children. Beyond the legal implications (check with your lawyer), it places you at a disadvantage in working on marital recovery. Besides, your children deserve you at home being a full-time dad. Don’t move out.

Plan A’s are never perfect. Sometimes the culprit is separation (one or the other is out of the home), sometimes the Love Busters (LB) come out of our mouths before we can stop them, our tempers get the best of us and Disrespectful Judgments (DJ) are shouted at the WS. Sometimes illness interrupts the process. Sometimes the betrayed spouse is too depressed. (This might be a good moment to suggest anti-depressants prescribed by your doctor can help you get through this morass.) What you do is apologize for your outburst (if that’s what happened), and then get on with things. Sometimes, the BS becomes a doormat, needy, and wimpy. Don’t do that…it’s not attractive to the WS or yourself.

You are the only one who knows everything that is going on and it’s not clear to me how you’re going to time the serving of the divorce papers and confrontation with your wife. Do you plan on it being at the same time? In other words, you confront her, and then let her know you’ve filed suit so she cannot take the children and run home to mom? It sounds logical to me.

Alternately, is there a way your attorney could get a temporary restraining order served on your WW so she couldn’t do that? I don’t know the laws in NH. I’m going to assume you’re doing the divorce papers because your attorney has advised you that’s the best way to make sure your wife doesn’t take them one afternoon while you’re at work.

Okay, this is about long enough. See what you think about the above and let MB folks answer your questions. It’s why we’re here you know? Use us as your support group because that’s what we want to be. ttyl

Dear dad,

I know what you're feeling almost to a tee probably. I just found out that my husband is having an affair(last sat), while the whole time having me to believe that we were going to work on things spend some time together and everything was going to be ok.

He works out of town so it's a little different and this isn't the first time for us. This is the 4th affair that I know of in 17 yrs. We have 2 boys.

My husband does the same thing though when it comes to explaining to the ow that he's married. All of a sudden I'm this awful B that doesn't do anything right. When all I've ever done is see to him having everything he wanted and then some.

I'm sorry for what you're going through and the pain you feel. It's a pain I don't wish on my worst enemy. We got to hang in there though and be there for the kids. Good Luck and God Bless!

D2:

I read your posts this morning and as with many other sitch's here could not believe the similarities with my own sitch many years ago and with many others who have been on this forum. As much as the WS would like to believe that their A is a destiny, true love, or whatever they use to rationalize their actions, when it gets right down to it, all affairs have much in common and there seems to be certain attributes of the WS that tend to make this more likely.

I read your story and couldn't get past that hole in my stomach that I have felt so often over the last nine months. There is really no sense in regirgutating my story as it is on many other posts here if you want to read. However, there are certain things in your sitch that really hit hard for me. First, it is Mothers Day and even though it has been many years ago, I remember like yesterday the Mothers Day when my wife was involved with her A. It was early on about three months into it and I am sure that she was thinking that there was nothing good about our relationship or me in general. My kids were small and I planned a special mothers day with breakfast and other motherly treats. Her demeanor the entire day was cruel and really made me think about whether I could remain married to her. I did not know the A was going on, had no clue but knew that the person I married was not the person who was vile when I was trying to be nice on what should have been a special day for her and her boys. I saw the attorney the following day and really considered filing for a divorce. What I didn't know then and I do know is that the vile person who was in my wife's body and mind on that Mothers Day was really just an alien. The attitude that she had that day in fact was a realization to her that what she was doing was wrong, that the grass was pretty green in the pasture she was supposed to be in and unless she could find reasons why she was trampsing around in another pasture by rationalizing how bad I was and why she was entitled to do as she pleased irregardless of her convictions, morals and previous committments, the picture that she was sure to have of herself was not pretty. So, just as you have discovered in emails, etc. they have to make you out as a monster, to themselves, to the OP and for sure to you. As painful as this is, rest assured that just as everything else that is involved with an affair, it is fantasy, rewriting history, justification, rationalization...yada yada. She may or may not come to see this someday, but you know in your heart that what she says and thinks about you are mostly completely false and what has some speckle of truth has been embellished to complete her rationalization process. It is important during this process that you remember who you are, focus on your personal recovery and remember that regardless of the outcome of your marriage, that you have an opportunity to become a better person and partner as a result of what you have learned and implemented. Too bad they didn't teach all of this in Marriage 101.

Longhorn has an excellent chronology laid out for you in a previous post. Follow this plan in the exact order. It is a great summary of MB principles and they have been shown in many cases, even situations much more than yours to be the best approach to save a marriage and build a relationship that is based on honesty, trust, respect and true love.

I wanted to point out a couple of things that are my personal perspective that I have gained (with the help of a few thousand dollars of IC) in trying to make sense of what has happened to you and to give you hope that in the end, you will survive and become even a better person than you were pre-A. I couldn't help but read between the lines in your posts on how this A developed. I am paraphrasing but it looks like that your WW has some family entanglement issues that in conjunction with having kids, probaly not being as underwieght as she once was, etc, etc. led to some depression. Coupled with a personal and/or family tendancy for addictive behaviors started down the slippery slope to have her needs for affirmation met. Then combine that with the stress of financial difficulties not unrelated to the family entanglement issue, the marital rewriting and entitlement processes started. I truly believe that all of this is ultimately due to personal self worth issues, the need for security, an unrealistic expectation of normal life, and a tremendous need for affirmation of their self worth. Once the opportunity presented itself, for her a website, for my wife a trip away from home, at some moment they made the decision that the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence and after all they deserve to be happy and they make that fateful decision. Doesn't hurt anything if that initial decision is somewhat alcohol induced either. But nonetheless, maybe without regard to all others involved and what they risk to pursue their "happiness", they make the choice that will forever change not only their lives but the lives of many others including their family, the OP's family, friends, even possibly their own salvation and relationship with God.

I have spent many hours wondering why, how, why me? I just like you would have described myself as less than a perfect husband prior to the A and D-Day. But I was as decent a person that you could find that wanted nothing more than to be able to care for my family and have everyone happy. My desire to make my wife happy was directly responsible for her going on the trip that started the A, her choice of friends whom I feel were complicit in developing her rationalzations for her to put herself in that situation and the burr in our marriage as it started to breakdown as I tried harder to make things work only to get no where and then LB'd out my posterior due to my resentment which only added fuel to the A fire. The hardest thing for me through recovery is forgiving myself for creating the environment that allowed the A to occur.

I just like you after discovering the A wanted to solve all the problems in the relationship in one fell swoop. The only difference in our sitchs is that I did not find out about the A until ten years after had ended. I did not have the opportunity for exposure while the A was ongoing. However, in the ten years after the AE and D-Day, there was a cancerous tumor growing in our relationship that would have never allowed a heathy relationship to resume until that cancer was extracted in total. In your sitch, the cancer is there just the same and has to be extracted...the sooner the better. I had to deal with the fog, and withdrawals and all those issues, I just didn't know why I was dealing with them and what the cause was. Whether your marriage recovers or not, it is important to understand that there will be many phases that you will have to go through and it will not all be an easy ride. But since you mentioned that you have been reading and seeking information from a variety of sources, I suspect that you may be just like me and not only want to find out how to proceed from this point but also understand why you are where you are.

It is well documented that when people engage in A's, they have an increased level of dopamine. The excitement of the forbidden is always a lure to our race. An A is no different. Living in a fantasy with someone else on a part time, no kids to pick up from school, no bills to pay, relationship has to be a rush even without the chemical changes in our body. But add that chemical high to the fairy tale especially for someone who has a tendency or family history of susectibility to an additive behavior and it is easy to see how that someone who seemingly would never commit such an egrious act as adultery can not only continue that relationship but actually physically need to continue the high.

I have seen most on this forum be very reluctant to expose their WS. Given that opportunity, I probably would have been the same way. I would have wanted to protect my spouse, kids and myself from the embarrassment and shame of getting this A into the light of day. But I have also seen that where the A was fully exposed to work places, family, friends and others that not only a tool became available to utilize to first stop and then later keep the affair from rekindling but also in many cases it was the first time that the WS actually had to really face the reality of what they were doing and the consequences of that. Instead of being the miserable, lonely spouse who was not properly taken care of by their H/W with all their friends and family, they become the harlot with an A on their chest. There is nothing more powerful to get someone out of a hole that they have dug than for them to hit the bottom of the hole. How they respond after they hit the bottom will determine what the quality of life that they maintain after they crawl out of the hole and will answer many of your questions that you have in prior posts.

There is one other issue that I have never seen discussed here with regard to exposure or lack thereof that I think is particularly important once you get into the recovery phase, regardless of whether it is a marital recovery or just a personal recovery. We are all just human. Both of us happen to be men, probably very proud and unable to admit sometimes that we cannot solve all the worlds problems singlehandedly. When we get crotchkicked by finding out that the impossible has occurred and we can't even handle our own problems, much less the worlds, it can take a serious toll on our own self esteem. If I had had the opportunity to expose to family and friends during the A, at least during the recovery I would have people whom I trusted and loved that I could talk to about the pain that I endure. Without the opportunity for exposure, I only have my wife and my IC. No family members or friends know what happened so I can't go to them in times of need. The downside of this is that I either internalize it which makes me more insecure, needy, lonely, wait until I get to my next IC session which may be a long time between those episodes, or talk to my wife about things that although healthy to discuss openly through the process could quickly become almost a hinderance to both our personal recovery as it is almost like continuing to rub salt into a wound. She feels bad enough already, understands her mistakes, has been forgiven by me and has forgiven herself and although we both subscribe now to a completely open RH policy, like anything if the talk is always on the past instead of the present and future could be a serious hinderance to both of our recovery.

With a NUCLEAR EXPOSURE done all at the same time to all possible targets, as you go through the recovery process you will no doubt broaden your allys that can be there for you in a time of need. This approach certainly risk some fallout...there may be friends, family, others who disown the WW or never look at her the same, or their may be others who rationalize her actions along with her that will certain impact your ability to have close relationships with them long term, but the important thing to remember is that when your wife made her choices, she also bears the responsbility for the consequences. It is quite sad that many innocent Japanese citizens lost their lives in Hiroshima, but the fact remains that the Japanese chose to bring the US into WWII when they made their choice to bomb Pearl Harbor.

NT