I posted this in Emotional Needs, but I thought I would try here, too.

I feel like I am on roller coaster ******. On the one hand, my H has been sweeter than ever; that he loves me; I'm hot, etc. On the other hand, he just told me that he thinks of this as "dating" me (we have been married almost 9 years, together for over 11) and that because he is an attractive 42 year old he is "cursed" because 23 year old women look at him like they want to take him to bed. And that he thinks about doing that. That a big part of him wants to be free so he can experience that. He says that he just isn't sure he wants to be married and that he feels terrible telling me these things because he knows it hurts me and he "loves me deeply". WTF?! *This* is how you treat someone you love deeply?!

I tried to validate him, etc. But, tears were streaming down my face. I love him and we have been doing so well--to hear that he still thinks about going just kills me. I feel like I am casting pearls before the swine. I SOOOOO want to say "You would dump me for some 23 year old because she is "hot"?1? What a shallow SOB." But i don't say these things because it is his experience. It just breaks my heart. AND, it makes me close up my heart. I was feeling really hopeful and now I just feel so dang tired. Why am I trying so hard for someone that doesn't appreciate what he has?

When I said that I was feeling angry about him considering this "dating" he said "well, if we split up, you would have to be dating someone-why not me?" I said "I can tell you right now, I wouldn't be "dating" someone for 11 years."

I am growing so impatient. I am looking really good. I am fun to be with. There is a myriad of other things I could list...His honesty has made me want to distance myself--what now? Am I crazy? Is there some perspective I am missing?

Ask him to define 'love'. Is it only releasing one's physical side or much deeper. Let him know if he is shallow then bimbos are what he needs. If he is a real man, he will know better.

Then ask him if he'd rather be with someone who isn't experienced so he like he was so he'd have to go through all that learning experience again. Why? Tell him 'cuz u know OWs will eventually want the whole enchilada'.

L.

From Penalty Kill


Sassy, I feel for you. Your H needs an attitude adjustment and some counseling to understand why he needs the attentions of others to validate himself. When you get right down to it, he probably has a low self-image, implausible as that sounds.

So he's cursed, eh? Last summer a 23 year old friend of a friend of mine propositioned me. I was 42. And yes, he was what my *daughter* would call "hot". I have known him since he was 17 and cutting my friend's lawn. "No one would ever know", he said. (I presume he meant his GF and my H) "I would", I replied.

My H was actually away at the time, and I wasn't very pleased about that. But, I had matured, in temperment and outlook. The whole thing had no appeal whatsoever.

End of that story. But the moral is:

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

SassyGal,

I would be extremely hurt too. I'm sorry you are going through this.

In addition to asking him to define love, I would ask him to define "dating." As you already know, dating is not the same as M'd and you two are M'd. It may be that he is building an excuse to do something in the future or to make it seem less "bad." Discuss his meaning and set your boundaries. I would make it very clear that if you two split up, you will not be dating him or be friends with him, and that you will find someone else who will realize & appreciate that you are wonderful.

I would also be tempted to say, no, dear H, you don't know the meaning of cursed until you've lost your W, the one who truly loved you and would have always been there for you, even after you grew old & lost your looks.

Perhaps these aren't the best suggestions, but in hindsight, I would have been more firm & confident with my H, especially while things were going relatively well.

Good luck