We've all been in marriages that have failed for a variety of reasons. Being here at MBs has taught us something whether it be from the MB principles or from others here or both.

What did you learn about your mistakes & why they happened?

What will you do differently & what will you do to ensure your next partnership will have the best possible chance to thrive?

I'll share my "stuff" when I return from class.

very good question. my marriage was doomed from the start. we went way too quickly, it was built on physical attraction only, we were/are 2 different people. i was 25 when we married, he was just 22. we met in jan, were engaged in april, married in sept and i was pregnant with twins by october! all this in one year.

i was always a very independent person and i had a terrible marital example growing up. both parents are remarried now and have happy marriages but that is not the blueprint i got. i thought it was ok to be married yet still be independent making my own decisions, my own money, not consulting him on things.... WRONG! and he was just plain too young and too naive and never went out and had fun and sowed his wild oats.

the short story is now, 10 years later i have matured and grown tremendously. i now know what a marriage should look like, and that it is about mutual respect and caring and concern and making decisions together and spending time together. next time around i will accept nothing less than exactly what i am looking for. i need companionship, someone who wants to spend time with me (doesn't have to be 24/7 but recreational companionship time) I want someone who is a high achiever, who will build a strong and secure future with me. someone who can set goals and we can work on them together. someone sociable and who likes to entertain, have friends over,etc. I know I am a much more giving person than i was 10 years ago. i know the things i did wrong in the marriage,it was not only him. he just chose to deal with his stuff by stepping in affairs and that is where i draw the line. i know i will communicate more, try to be less stubborn and set in some of my ways.

bottom line is, at 35, i will go in with my eyes wide open and really knowing someone. never again will i just go so darn fast as i did with my marriage. hurry up and slow down! i have all the time in the world.
mlhb

The ole hindsight......

First, I must say, I can't really call my marriage a mistake because without it, I would not have my two daughters.

What I have learned about *myself* is, I never took the time to be *be Karona*.
I don't know that I became an individual.
I went from living at home, to living w/roomates at college to getting married and living w/my husband.

We were both 22 when we marred and it also was a quick courtship to marriage. Met, and married 8 mos later.
Another detrimental factor was that this was a LDR.
We lived 4 hrs apart and only saw each other on weekends and not every weekend.
After graduation, he accepted a job/career 18 hours away and he moved during this 8 mo period. We married and I then moved to be with him and start our lives together.

He grew up in a Christian home, commuted to a college in a city, but never experienced the college life.
Fastforward........moves to Fl, experiences the freedom of living alone, beach town, bars, girls, etc. while engaged soon to be married, I think at times, forgetting he was engaged.
[He lived down there 4 mo before we married]
I don't know exactly when infidelity started [he swears not before his first affair after marriage]. We grew up together, separately, meaning, we had different ideas. I was content with being with him/together and he enjoyed the flirtation/attention and freedom that he never experienced.

What I have learned.......
I know for me, I can not have a LDR. I feel I can't put trust into that kind of relationship, the unknown would be too big for me.
I have grown/matured in the past 20 yrs [I would hope so] and feel like I know myself now more than ever.
I've experienced serious life issues and am a different person today because of them.
Trust has become a huge issue for me, but I do believe that I can trust with the *right* person.
I have the strong desire to be the best I can be if I ever marry again to give freely of myself to someone, provided there is trust.

I have learned that living alone [without a relationship/marriage]is okay and far better than being in a relationship/marriage that isn't right.
I never knew I could be okay alone, but I am. Sure, it's lonely at times and I complain sometimes, but in the big picture, much, much better than being in something that is not stable/good foundation.

Largest blessing and life lesson from marriage, two beautiful daughters, inside and out!
Karona

This is going to be good for me to analyze. I am in the final stages of divorce after a 22 year long marriage that ended with him refusing to give our marriage a try after an affair. I learned to never ever put up with emotional, physical, or verbal abuse. It's not normal, it's not ok, and it does the children more harm than divorce. I learned to believe in myself and my value as a person. I am worthy of being treated like a princess...my mom told me so-shame it took me so long to believe it.

Now that being said, I do see areas where I could improve. First with SF-it's hard to want to have sex with someone who tells you that you are lazy and lack appeal much less make love, but still in the next relationship that is serious, no is not a word related to SF for me anymore.

Secondly, I learned the value of an attractive mate. I rebelled against his words with food. As soon as I took over my life again, well so far 45 pounds and 4 sizes smaller. I learned that I have to take care of myself physically and to always be aware that men look at physical attributes as important.

Thirdly, I learned to put my relationship above the needs of my children. I put them first all the time and let everything else slide. It's hard not to do when they are little but I should have carved out time just for us without the children.

Last, I learned that I have emotional needs that must be met by my spouse. I learned that my husband had no interest in meeting those and quite frankly took pleasure in doing the opposite of the one I need the most (admiration) as often as he could.

Yes, our relationship was/still is emotionally/verbally abusive. I was in serious denial about the impact it had on me and my children. The affair he had was just more abuse on the chart as I see it now. Just more disrespect heaped on piles of anger and disrespect already there.

I think the most important thing I learned was to not settle because you think you will be alone. I need to know what I am looking for and look for it and not take less than what I need the next go round. So here is it....tada what I'm looking for in a man....

now not all of these qualities can be objectively measured so I have my own criteria

1. Maturity-evidence of maturity would include the ability to think of other's feelings not just one's own and to put the needs and concerns of other's before his own when appropriate. The number means nothing but the attitude says it all. Maturity is also evidence by realizing that no one is perfect...especially physically as we age. If a man is so concerned about outer appearances that they don't see the beauty of what is inside..they are not very mature.

2. Kindness-evidenced by being poite to all people regardless of their station in life, small touches like asking how my day went, and remembering the little things in life that you do to show a woman you care-ie..opening doors and offering to lift something heavy or just listening to her problems

3. Stability-no mind games, steady job and commitment to meeting financial obligations on time, no mental illnesses or issues with extreme jealousy, control, or substance abuse

4. Must love family-his own, his children if he has any and be willing to love my children and family. Family time, holidays, and fun should mix together into happy memories

5. A sense of humor-life is too funny not to laugh-not everything is a drama or a trauma-enjoy.

6. A positve attitude towards life, himself, and me- I want a Prince of Positive

7.Flexibility-the abilty to see both sides of an issue and not argue their own position to death....also would be evidenced by a lack of anger, frustration, and childish behavior when things don't go as planned. No hang ups about religion, guilt, or shoulds.


8. Decent health-not obsessed with physical fitness exactly but cares enough not to smoke, drink, or be obese. Tries to get some exercise and eat healthy/normally-yet indulges in dessert without guilt

9. Active SF-does all the things necessary for a good love life...is affectionate and attentive and giving

10. Loving and committed-no playboys, guys who run at the word marriage need not apply. Willing to step up to the plate and commit to love and actually wants that. Must be willing to actually work on a relationship, commit to doing what it takes to be happy, and be committed to staying together even when things get rough.

My mistakes: I didn't understand what I needed to feel loved & be able to fully love him back. I attributed characteristics to both of us based on faulty information which lead to faulty assumptions of characteristics. I didn't know about or fully understand the implications of his FOO. I allowed myself to coast & didn't call him on his coasting because it was the path of least resistance. Because I knew couseling would be painful I didn't push for it years ago when I'd suggested it the first time. I acted independently & didn't object while he did also. I didn't understand myself well enough or speak up either to avoid conflict or assuming I wouldn't be heard or understood.

What I will do differently: I have a MUCH better understanding of what I need & desire & will use that information constructively. I will keep communication open & safe for my partner. I won't allow disagreements to go without discussion. I will be myself & work to understand my partner's needs & desires. I'll ensure we are on the same page when we head into the future, knowing how to work together to achieve what we want for a relationship. I will concentrate on US. I will be the fun, sexual/sensual, kind, considerate person I know I am to keep the relationship interesting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You know.............I have thought about this for a very long time. I know what happened and why it ended, but as far as my mistakes go???????????

Often times I think I did things to cause the abuse, that it was my fault, and I still do that, very hard to change. Somehow I always seem to blame myself for whatever happens, maybe because I was always blamed for everything that happened and I took it from him.

Not sure how I could be different except now I know that I am worthy, I am not always at fault, I am a good mother to our children still, I have a lot to offer someone and I will never settle for less than I deserve again.

I am four years out of a twenty year relationship and just now wanting to date.

I guess I have learned that not everything that happens is my fault and I deserve good things for us.

Hi bsteacher. I'm sorry you suffered abuse in your marriage. No one deserves that or "asks for" that.

Perhaps your mistakes lie elsewhere. Maybe you lacked confidence in your abilities, maybe you overlooked your husband's faults hoping for change. Maybe you didn't know yourself & your abilities well enough before marriage.

I really liked the part of your last sentence where you say "...you deserve...". Absolutley right.

Mistakes…

1. Believing B. 18 when he told me 18 months into our marriage there was nothing wrong although 4 nights a week he’d sleep on the sofa.
2. Not standing up for what I wanted. Always giving in to keep the peace.
3. Not leaving sooner, specially, I should have left when
a. B. said there was nothing he could do to make me happy.
b. When refused to go the MC even after I discovered he had been searching for escort services in cities he traveled to.
c. B. said the first thing for me to do to make our marriage better was to stop obsessing about how unhappy I was.
d. When B. said and did nothing when I told him I was attracted to other men,
e. When I started to become friends with another man (thus saving everyone the agony of an EA)
4. Acting out my resentment, anger, frustration and hostility in destructive ways like twice staying out late with girlfriends.
5. I would not have enabled.

What am I doing differently?

I’m much more cautious.
I’m more direct and honest about what I want and who I am.
I’m much more willing to walk away.
I’m much more willing to let him walk away.
I’m keeping the love bank and POJA concepts in the front of my mind
I let my head have equal say with my heart.

Yes, I did lack confidence and he played enormously on that to the limit.

And yes, I do deserve more from a relationship.

The X still messes with me and the kids, it is getting easier now.

I would love to start dating again, but I live in a small town and don't have much opporturnity to meet single men my age. Plus, I am very busy with my kids.

Thanks for the kind words.