I find out about my husband's emotional affair by snooping in his email. His response was to block my access to his computer. Since then, he seems to be saying and doing all the right things, but I still feel that I need tangible prove that shows that this email/phone relationship is coming to an end. So...this morning I went to mail2web.com and lucked out by getting his user name and password correct. I was able to view his messages, and I actually read the one that came from the OW this morning. My problem is that when I closed the window of the message, it also deleted the message from his board! I want him to read the message because it has information about an upcoming motorcycle event; I didn't want to delete it! So, now I'm stuck! Do I confess that once again I was being untrustworthy by snooping in his email and show him the message which I had printed out? Or do I just stay quiet and hope that he receives the info in another way? I want to be open and honest, but I also want a way to check up on him. I can't have both, can I?

Help!
Debby

IMHO? For what it is worth, leave it be. I deleted stuff also....in the shock of it all. If he asks..... you can tell him you stumbled across it and found it hurtful. It w/b quite revealing to see his reaction. Expect him t/b angry and you need to go elsewhere for safe support.

Do you know where that w/b?

L.

gsdlover, before you do anything, you need to install a keylogger so you can record everything. If you need help with that, then send me an email and I will help you install one.

Secondly, you are NOT being "untrustworthy" by catching him cheating. Are the police being "untrustworthy" by catching drug dealers? Of course not. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO THE PRIVACY TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

So please get your head right about this. You are SUPPOSED to be snooping on him if you think he is doing something wrong.

You don't "confess" anything. When you get the keylogger set up, you confront him with hard evidnce WITHOUT giving him your source. You don't want to be open and honest with someone who is cheating on you.

Hi ML - Hope you dont mind but Ive just emailed you about how to get a keylogger installed too.

And gsdlover, I too have deleted pictures/texts from WH phone (i know its not the same as email though) and he has never mentioned it. I really dont think he has even realised. He is such an alien!
goodluck with it
zuj

Thanks for the quick responses! My gut tells me to stay quiet, but I want to work this thing out so badly that I feel I need to keep talking about everything with my husband. We've come a long way in three weeks.

MelodyLane, I am interested in this keylogger. Please send me details when you have a chance. I will be gone most of the day, so I can't deal with it until tonight or tomorrow. I appreciate your time. I'll send you an email.

Thanks!
Debby

MelodyLane, I can't seem to send you a private email, so please send info about installing a keylogger to debby@jass.org

Thanks again!
Debby

Debby, but you DO NOT tell your husband that you are snooping. You should not be open and honest until the affair is over and you are OFF the field of battle. Telling him you are snooping will only DISARM YOU.

Do you understand?

Because frankly, if you are going to be "honest" with your husband about a keylogger, I see no point in using one and wouldn't want to be a part of that.

ML, it is amazing how the "betrayed" get to thinking they are "causing" the problems. Just another example of how insidious the whole adultery thing is.

Sort of like the "bruhaha" posturing of those against the "snooping" on phone calls to terrorists. If you have nothing to hide, snoop to you hearts content. If someone else HAS something to hide that could harm me or others I hold dear, then I WANT them snooping to bring what is "hidden" into the "light of day" and PREVENT them from accomplishing their dastardly plans.

When "blind trust" existed and was honored by both parties, there was no "need" for checking up or "proving fidelity."

Blind trust is gone. From now on, Trust is EARNED, not bestowed without merit, at least NOT in the area of "fidelity to the marriage."

The Keyloggers, PI's, snooping, are FOR the Betrayed Spouse, not for the Wayward Spouse. They already CHOSE the path of "no trust." All the Betrayed Spouse is doing is verifying that they CAN be trusted. No longer are "words" enough. Now "words" must be accompanied by ACTION that is proveable and verifiable.

That's how trust is reestablished and maintained.

Just my humble opinion.

Agree very much, FH! Radical Honesty is a concept to be used in RECOVERY, not when one is on the field of battle being assualted by incoming FIRE. Disarming at that point only leaves the BS unarmed and.....DEAD!

Like you said, trust has be EARNED, and it does not build trust to afford trust to an untrustworthy person.

You do have every right to snoop and if he doesn't think so then it is probably still continuing. At least that's the way it happened with mine.

I also noticed that you said that your H had locked you out of his computer. So you probably won't be able to install the keylogger without getting past that 1st. There are plenty of ways to recover or reset passwords and you will usually only be out a CD.