I posted several days ago about some concerns that I'm having about my WW. I didn't get any responses to my last posts so I'm trying again today.

She has begun gambling excessively and her alcohol consumption has increased over time to now be one 750ml bottle (25 oz) of wine average per night. Although she has been drinking wine at night for many years it has gone up from a half bottle to a full bottle in the last nine months or so.

She said she was cutting off the OM back in March, but I have doubts.

Now, though, I'm concerned that she may have replaced him with gambling and alcohol as an analgesic (pain-killer, escape, whatever you want to call it).

I move out temporarily 3 weeks ago and can move back in (we own our home as community property) but, of course, she says she's not comfortable with me moving back right now. Her excuse is that she is afraid that anything she says or does will be criticized and/or judged by me.

I was in a state of depression for many years (I have accepted responsibility for not meeting her EN's) but am now feeling fine. I got on meds following D-day (it took that to wake me up) and my whole outlook on life is good right now. I am devastated by what has happened but I continue to tell her that I can forgive her and love her.

She shows NO willingness to work on our marriage (says she wants to work on her right now) and no remorse for her actions. The affair lasted at least 5 months, possibly still ongoing.

My IC says I need to get away from this situation, but I really have had hopes that things could work out for the best if she just allowed herself to forgive herself and allowed me back into her life in order that we can start meeting each others EN's again.

The mountain seems to be getting higher and higher to scale at this point. I'm afraid that she's self-destructing or well on her way at this point.

I think that I've done most of the work of a plan A, except I can't confirm whether she actually has NC. I've purchased a GPS and a voice activated digital recorder to that end but haven't put them into use yet.

I don't think a plan B would be effective at this point because she's happy that I'm away right now. I'm starting to think that Plan D is all that might shake her out of this funk she's in right now.

Thoughts, please???

Reborn -

Hi --- MelodyLane might have some great words of advice for you, I hope she reads your post.

It sounds like your wife is going through quite a bit right now, but if true NC is established she is in withdrawal & you being there might help her some with this. Don't expect too much AT ALL from here if she is going through w/d and true NC is established.

Just my opinion.....MOVE BACK IN.

Good luck & best wishes!!

Kim

Thanks, kim!

That's what everyone here tells me (move back in). I have suggested to her that we try me coming back for just one week. If I don't do any LB's for the week, then I would get another week. And another. And so on.

Am I being too soft?

Yes, move back in. Yes, you're being too soft. You're not going to get your marriage back on track by being doormat, friend. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder, it just allows wayward spouses free rein to conduct their affairs and to get comfortable in their ways.

You need to get your wife some help with her physical addictions before you can even BEGIN to recover your marriage, btw. MB principles won't work where there is a psychological or physical addiction in play.

Thanks, LH.

I guess being around here a week or so let's me know the answers before I ask the questions, but the addiction advice and the MB not working when that is present is very helpful.

I was trying to get a session with SH, but should I even bother with these other problems present now?

Thanks again, friend!

Is she an alcoholic?

Hi Melody,

She is able to tolerate the alcohol very well to this point. She drinks one bottle of wine almost 6 days out of 7.

I did some reasearch on the web and my results tell me she's drinking 5 times the daily suggested amount for a woman.

I took a 20 question test pretending I was her about alcohol use and it said that 3 true answers could indicate a drinking problem. I came up with anywhere between 3-5 affirmative answers.

So, I would say she's a problem drinker at this point but maybe not an alcoholic.

I just believe she's been so unhappy and the guilt over what she's done, plus the withdrawal from the A has her self-medicating BIG TIME right now. Both the alcohol and gambling are escapes for her from reality, just like the A.

Thanks for any help you can give, ML. I really admire your posting in here and think you're a tremendous resource for these boards.

Reborn, Melody is the lady you need to talk to on this. You would be wise to follow her advice.

I freely admit I may have jumped the gun on suggesting she has an addiction to alcohol and/or to gambling...I'm not a practicing physician or psychologist...but that is what you appear to be describing. They certainly are abnormalities that must be addressed.

BTW, a phone call to SH is NEVER a wasted investment. In an hour of discussion, you and he can develop more relevant information than you could type on this board in six months. Please do not cancel any sessions you have with him.

She is not "comfortable" facing the consequences of her actions. She is doing bad things and does not want you to see. So see, moving out only ENABLES her to do those bad things and greatly harms your legal position. Most courts view what you have done as ABANDONMENT.

What you did is tantamount to moving out of hte house and turning it over to a rowdy, hard drinking TEENAGER.

In AA, we would call you an ENABLER for moving out and helping her drink and who** around in peace.

If I were you, I would just go home. You don't need permission to go to your own house. Just go there and say "honey, I'm home." Move back into your own room.

Stop trying to practice Plan A. You will never meet the emotional needs of a drunk; it is impossible. She does not have normal emotions, but the warped emotions of a pickled brain.

After you have moved home, get yourself to Alanon and start planning an intervention to induce her to get into recovery. I am a recovering alcoholic with 21 years sobriety and my intervention went something like this: "either stop drinking entirely or get out." I haven't drank since that fateful day on April 27, 1985. That might not be the answer in your case, but I am sure you can find some kind of inducement.

This is pretty common for a WS to drink to drown out her conscience. This is another area where you can be more helpful at home than out. You can more easily spy on her and bust up her affair if she is still in it.


thanks much, March, I so hope we can help you through this, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Also, if she is gambling, do you have your finances protected from her? I can't tell you how many horror stories I know about gamblers who have wiped out a family's savings.

I have an excuse for leaving, though. I had eye surgery 2 1/2 weeks ago for a detached retina. I'm staying with my sister, a nurse, who's been helping with my recovery.



That was the way that I was just describing her actions to my sister.



I just got a referral to Alanon from my shrink (excuse, the expression) yesterday and will follow up. Thanks for the advice, ML. Glad to hear you're staying sober. Keep up the good work!

She has her own checking and savings and I have mine. She doesn't have access to my funds.

She has her own credit cards. If she wants to run up the balance on cash advances, then I guess that's her problem to deal with. I guess that I could be held responsible for her cc debt, but that's a lower priority issue right now.

I'm much more concerned about her mental and physical health right now. I was talking to her on the phone last night (after she got home from gambling btw) and she tells me that I'm lucky that things aren't worse than they are for us. I said I don't see how they could get much worse. She starts talking about running away.

Please go home so you can help her now. She needs her husband to be strong. You cannot allow a very troubled, insane woman to dictate the course of your marriage. As you can see, she is leading your marriage straight in the toilet.

Go home and be her husband, March. Don't ASK. And stop worrying about her approval, worry more about helping her when she needs it most.

Thanks for your help and concern, ML!

I've decided to move back in tonight. She's going to be rather upset and claim that I've ruined her Mother's Day, but she's now officially out of control. She didn't have to do what she's been doing to put herself in this situation. If she can't stand the sight of me, then she can make a decision.

I'm going to tell her, "This is my home and I'm here to support you, WW, and our marriage."

Wish me luck.

Good luck, Reborn. Moving home is the right decision. Don't expect her to approve though. She's not ready to accept that what you're doing is actually in her best interests. Patience is the watch word...that and calmness. Let the venom and invective slide off your back. It means nothing.

I would check with an attorney to make sure, but in some states, her credit card debt is a debt of the marriage. You may also be liable. See what your lawyer says, okay?

March, you are doing the right thing. Be strong and brave and don't let the rantings of crazy woman distract you. She will be furious when you interfere with her plan to SELF DESTRUCT, but that is what a LOVING HUSBAND DOES. He does not sit there while his wife destroys herself. He takes ACTION.

When she ever comes to her senses, she will be very grateful to you for STANDING UP TO HER. Even though it infuriated me that my H made me stop drinking, to this day, I am grateful he was man enough to do the right thing by me. She will be grateful to you someday.

Hi RM -

I to have an alcoholic spouse that had a two year affair, (now over) but we are separated by his choice. I've been reading the replies here and was concerned about the abandonment issue because I to left the home and went to my parents as we could not afford an apartment. I found this information below on a Legal Law website and this is what it said about abandonment laws........


This is the link to the website: http://www.uslegalforms.com/legaldefinitions/abandonment/

I'm not suggesting you move out again just thought it's good to have a little legal information for future reference. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

His family and I have chosen to do an intervention which is in a week so that is how I have chosen to help my spouse by getting him into rehab which actually he's been saying he wants to do.

He pretty much has made a mess of his life because of the A and the alcohol and had to take a leave of absense from work because he was performing so poorly. I will be going home once we get him into rehab and after that will take my stand on not leaving the home again.

I don't know if the people that care about your wife would be willing to do an intervention with you, or if she is at the point of being able to receive help, but it might be a good option either now or in the future. Always good to keep your options open.

Best,
RH

RH, I think the important thing to take note of is that there is no strict definition at all. It is a very subjective ruling, changing from state to state, judge to judge.

It is very common on this forum to hear that an attorney will emphatically advise his client to NOT MOVE out because it is often viewed as "abandonment," and will put him at a distinct disadvantage in court dealings. This is pretty standard advice that we hear quite often on this forum. It's not something to take lightly.

MelodyLane -

I can see how lawyers would advise clients to not leave their home to determine a better outcome for their client in the case of a divorce. It is a safe way to cover all their bases, but I wonder in my situation, because we trade off living at home. For instance the first few days of separation WH went to a hotel, I stayed at home, then for about a month he was at home and I was at my parents, and recently he went on trip and I stayed home. Hopefully if the intervention goes well in a week he will be in rehab and I will be home, but in this situation where you are trading off, I wonder if that could be construed as abandonment, because I don't have any intention of divorcing him.

There must be some pretty specific laws around what constitutes abandonment, thats why I found this sentence off the legal definition of abandonment interesting...... However, merely moving out of a marital home, particularly to a nearby location, does not constitute a fault ground of abandonment.

Thoughts on that??