Hi,

I've been married now for almost 2 years since December of 04. Anyways, to make a long story short I was molested when I was about 11 years old by my uncle. That and I just recently told my wife about my previous one other homosexual encounter with a guy that happened years and years ago. Needless to say she's not taking it very well at all and she's pulling away from me fast and i'm feeling like i'm losing her and I love her so much and I don't know what to do. It's like she's calling me a liar, telling me : "I asked you if there was anybody else" - but I tried to tell her, but it just wouldnt happen. You know? It took me a year just to tell her the truth. Now that the truth is told I feel like i'm really losing her. Somebody please help me, or is this beyond repair?

-Tim

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, Tim...

Have you been reading all the articles offered here? The links are to the right of your screen...about Love Busters, The Love Bank, Emotional Needs...Radical Honesty?

All of these can help you in your marriage...you shared something with your wife which terrified you to speak of, is that correct? Her reaction is her own...not yours...you didn't cause her to react in the way she did. She just did.

I am looking at your "like she's calling me a liar" because you didn't answer her truthfully when she first asked about your sexual history...well, you lied by omission. Own that you did. Ownership isn't blame...it is knowing your fear and owning it as yours...sexual abuse creates secrets, and speaking truth is very difficult. Own both--you withheld and you spoke. You broke the secret.

Respect her more...continue to share your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...using "I" statements...speak of loving her, trusting her, your desire to grow and be free from secrets from fear. Let go judging whether she is taking something well or not...listen and repeat what she says, which allows for her to confirm or to clarify what she means and validates you heard and understood...

The pain you are experiencing from her reaction is a mirror to what is already in you--when you keep secrets, that tells your self that self is bad, not worthy, valueless. Losing ourselves is as painful as losing our partners...just isn't as evident because we've done it for a really long time.

Marital Counseling would be awesome...might consider calling the Harleys...because this isn't a marriage ender...not beyond repair...and knowing the four rules of marriage and living them can take this event in your life as a benefit to your relationship.

Stay here and read...you're not alone. I had your wife's experience, only it was after 19 years together. Respect, time and patience is part of marriage. Not a deal breaker.

LA

I was in your wife's position years ago. My H was sexually abused as a child, by a male...later a female. How unlucky can one kid get. Anyways, when he told me I didn't reallly know how to react. I now wish I had reacted much differently and got him the help he needed to deal with the past. It is important that you get counseling and your wife will need it too. When something like this didn't happen to you or anyone your close to it is very hard to understand. I am sorry for what happened to you and don't want you to sweep this under the rug. If not addressed you and your wife could end up with lots of problems. There is a lot of help available for victims of abuse. My H and I just looked at a list of characteristics of survivors of abuse, put out by Celebrate Recovery. We couldn't believe how many traits he had.

This is not beyond repair. I would start reading the information on this website and get the His needs, her needs book. I'm out of time for now but you are in a great place to get support.