My wife and I are currently going to seperate and allow some time to pass in order to decide if we/she wants to try to work things out. In the past I have been verbally abusive and neglected her in other ways. This led to her having an affair. Now that all this has happened and I am able to look back on our past, I see all the things I did wrong and realize the changes I need to make to become a better person and a better lover. The problem for me is that my wife claims that due to the walls she has built up because of all the things I did to her, she fell out of love with me years ago.(2-3) I know I love her and am serious about making some permanent changes, but is it possible for her to fall back in love with me, or is it inevitable that we will get divorced. Please reply if you have any suggestions or comments.

I'm sure you will get many responses indicating that it is indeed possible for a couple to fall back in love. In my experience, it hasn't happened yet and I fell out of love YEARS ago. I have affection for him because he is the father of my children, but I'm not "in love" with him. But then, my husband isn't exactly trying to win me over either.

Good luck.

Ah, the last line of Can’t Hurt’s post says it all.

Yes, it’s possible, but only if you make sustained superman changes. Have you read the web site, not the forum, but the Basic Concepts, letters and articles? Read all of it, every last page.

While all of the concepts are equally important, there is an order to them when restoring love. First, you must never, EVER commit another LB. So, no more angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments. If you were really verbally abusive and not just plain nasty, you may want to get into an anger management class or counseling.

Once, you’ve proved you won’t cause her emotional harm, your wife will be more willing to spend some time with you. You can slowly, gently start spending more time together. This doesn’t mean a sudden change from 10 minutes a week to 10 hours a day. Your wife probably wouldn’t go for 10 hours any way.

When you do spend time with her, make the most of it. Meet whatever needs she’ll let you meet. Do NOT discuss your relationship with her unless she really wants to. This is your opportunity to show her how much fun it is to be around you, how comfortable you are, etc. So, here you’ll see the Emotional needs concept, along with the Time rule and Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) all rolled up.

Just remember, the tiniest Love buster can send you back to start faster than a Chute in Chutes & Ladders.