Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and dont know if I am posting in the proper place so bare with me if I am wrong. A little background first: My wife and I have been married 13 years. We have 2 beautiful children 3 and 6 years old. My 6 year old is special needs. We lost 3 before having the ones we have now. My wife cheated on me 4 years after we were married. Now, we have become a habbit and have been this way for a long time. Our worst problem the entire marriage was communication. About 6 weeks ago I decided to start communicating in hopes of making things better. Keep in mind we never even admitted to each other there was a problem before. I finally opened my eyes and realized how bad I wanted to fix it and be the loving couple we should have always been. Without typing a book to show how much I love my wife I will simply tell you I love my wife more now than ever, even with the problems. The problem we are having is she will not communicate. I try to get her to talk and she simply says she doesnt know what she wants. She tells me she loves me but not like a husband love. She has this wall built and I cant seem to crack it at all. I have tried several ways to show her how much I love her and how much I want to spend the rest of our lives together loving one another but cant get anything from her. I have mentioned getting help and she says again she doesnt know what she wants. Its killing me inside and I just wish I could get a spark of hope from her or a get the H%@# away from me so I would know what to do. I feel like any almost any relationship can be fixed and if I could get that spark from her we could do it. Sorry for the long post, I could set here and type all day. Thanks for any help.

hello again everyone. After reading some of the posts here I can see where I am causing problems by communicating too much and expecting too much. This is all new to me and like anything else, I am learning. I want so bad to flip her perverbial switch and make her love me again and I think I have been expecting this to happen way to soon. I am still up for suggestions and comments. This all helps. Thanks

Welcome, LMLW...to a great place to be...

Have you been reading the articles here, the links to the right of your screen?

Have you read about the 15 hours of Undivided Attention (UA), Radical Honesty, identify emotional needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs)?

You are learning respect, LMLW, the real kind...where you see where your control ends...you can only control you (can't make someone love you or act lovingly)...and she controls herself. Was always this way, but it takes what it takes to really see this truth and begin living by it.

You decided to communicate more...describe what you mean, please, because we all have our own definitions.

She built a wall and has to take it down herself...our focus will be on you. You're the one here. You're the one who has power over yourself, and finding your power, your choices is part of your part in the marriage.

Read up on Disrespectful Judgments (DJs) in the Love Busters. Saying she isn't willing to communicate is a DJ. She is stating she doesn't know what she wants...and yes, repeating this and only this is not very communicative. Doesn't say a thing about willingness.

Judgment kills. Be wise and let a lot of that go.

Work on what you control...your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

You can do this...learn a lot and understand why you believe we make people love us or not.

LA

Oh, and if you suspect another affair (that not loving you like a husband line is a little red flag), then maybe posting under Infidelity - General Questions II forum would be more helpful...since you've experienced it before, healing and learning from that may impact your situation today. It is the forum with the most traffic for responses, too.

LA