Hello, everyone! I've been reading some posts and MB for the last three weeks as of tomorrow. I suspected something was going on with my husband and "HIS FRIEND" but never had any evidence to proof it. I thought I was trying to stop something before it happened, needless to say, it had been for the past 11 months. He met OW last May, became "friends", would tell me about her, going to lunch, said she was someone that he could talk to about us when we where having problems. She is 17 years older(49)than my H (32) now!

Anyway, I throw a B-day party and invited everyone I could think of including her! Well, she shows up, H no happy about it, asks me, I said I invited her! Well, she must have gotten jealous and wanted to go home with his best friend. H was no happy about it either, BF cames to me and says "You know how a rooster protects the hen in the hen house? Just look around!" I looked around and saw H sitting next to her friend, then her! I said "I know, I invited her for a reason, he's been talking to her secretly for months!" BF said "Why do I always get in the middle of ya'll stuff!" He backed off from her and she got mad, thinking H told BF to back off! Needless to say, H confessed at 3am, after a lot of questioning from me, to the A. Said that the last time he slept with her was before Christmas! And he was mad, very mad, said a lot of things while still drunk, he can't remember! He was mad that I had stopped them fm talking to each other as often as he would have liked and the party was the icing on the cake!

They spoke the Monday after H told me, and she had told him that if he told me then she wouldn't speak to him again. The next Monday, she called him he didn't tell me I checked the cell bill! H and I got into it, he was mad i checked the bill, I said I didn't trust him and I was so mad I ended up called her, told her I was going to kick her [censored] if she didn't leave him alone. She called me back and I didn't answer, H wasn't talking to me that night so I didn't tell him I called her! She called the next morning to tell him I called her! He was pissed! Oh, well! Said she was going to call me and asked that it was over and that if I wanted things to work out that I wouldn't answer the phone if she called, I said no problem, I said everything I wanted to her and had nothing further to say! There's been NC since then, I've checked the cell phone bill and have asked him.

We are trying hard to work things out, he will answer my questions when I ask but I haven't heard the whole story and it bothers me. I know from friends that he is very ashamed of what he has done and not proud of himself. I feel more for him now then I have for years! It just seems that he having a hard time talking to me about us and the A, like it's easier to talk about work, the kids (2-both boys, 3 and 7). I can see his trying but I would like to understand what's going on with him. Withdrawal still? having trouble forgiving himself? I'm very hurt, but instead of stepping back from him (like in the past) I'm stepping forward! We both agree that we are doing well right now! It was like an eye opener for me, I didn't realize that we had grown so for apart and withdraw from each other. Any ideas on the situation? And thanks for all the posts I've read over the past few weeks, you guys are wonderful and amazing. Without you, I would not be where I am today! Thanks!

U r not out of the woods yet. Both of you need to restore the love and care that has been lost in the fog.

Please read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. I can tell you that from other past experiences....those that think they are 'doing well' at your stage find later (c/b years later) that it wasn't that well. So I recommend both of you take steps to ensure the wellness your M and family needs.

Read the books above (both r by Dr. Harley), take the EN questionnaire and either call Steve H to get a recovery plan in place or contact a local MC familar with MB principals.

MB works as well as the people choose to apply it.

Welcome to MB. Wishing you both well on your recovery journey.

take care,
L.

thanks for the reading list. I understand the we have a long way to go. I'm not sure if he means what he says, if he's learned anything, if he's going to do it again! all of those things that lack trust. I see that he's trying, but I wonder if it's round two, game one! When I say we're doing better, I mean we're not arguing as much, we're not yelling at the kids like we did, we're spending time together unlike before, him doing his thing, and me doing mine. It appears that we are doing fine, should I say. I'm checking the cell phone bill and asking if he's seen her! I truely think it's off between the two of them because she tell him that we or he (I'm not sure!) were being childish the last time he spoke to her! With that said I'm still on defense. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!"

K, I guess I'm in plan A, we never separate, I moved to the spare room a few nights, he apologized, said all these great things. I'm not sure to believe him, he's doing more to help out, not much because he works 12 hours a day, six days a week, and not cause he wants to. we go to lunch together every day and he comes stright home. Is it normal to feel so lost and confused, and wonder if I'm handling this right? I'm starting to feel something for him again but I'm still standing back waiting to hear what I need too. Where am I? Anyone have any suggestion, insight?

"I feel more for him now then I have for years!"

Find out why you weren't feeling for him in years...what you believe love is, evaluate how you love...

My suggestion.

LA

Um.... what in what he is doing is for you and your recovery?

Going to lunch? Well he has to eat....
Coming straight home? Well he lives there.

See? Need better proof. Don't settle for crumbs.

Yea he works 12 hour shifts. But he managed to have an A with that same shift? Either way....his shift is his shift. His family and wife are his family and wife. He should shower them with love and care despite his shift.

JMHO,
L.

I was angry with him and it's not like I ever told him, where now I am! We never spend any time together, he works in the oil field (not offshore anymore, that was rough, never home). I felt like everything rested on my shoulders. I mine I work full-time, do everything for the kids (pick them up, homework, bathtime, supper, put them to bed) and he would just come home, sit on the sofa, or at his computer, eat, take a bath, and go to bed! I mean I understood he was tired all the time, for me it was like living with a roommate. We were both doing our own thing and neither of us were fullfilling each others EN's. I was lonely, angry, and hurt, when I spoke up I was crazy. He didn't want to listen to me and I didn't want to listen to him anymore. It was just arguing without a point, a waste of breathe! Now, we're talking a little and spending time together, we're holding hands at the store, he's stroking my hair, arm, or leg when I'm nexy to him or lay in his lap. That's why I feel more now. I see his trying but it seems like he's still distance. At the time he was working nights and would go there when I was at work, when he started back days, he was getting off @ 4 instead of 7pm, which they just started. He had planty of time from May to December, in Janurary I started screaming really loud, to her once and to him alot!

All the more reason to read His Needs/Her Needs. See love is NOT selfish....it does NOT look after it's own interests but looks after the interests of others (M & family wise).

So it is vital you BOTH are learning how to meet each other's needs. It can be done. May have t/b creative but it can be done. Find the technique.

L.

Thanks again, I think he's in withdrawal right now. I've been writing with a dry erase marker on the mirror telling him sweet little thing or text messaging him. He started meeting my EN for affection but but it's like I can't get him to open up right now, talk more about us. I will get on reading His Needs/Her Needs as soon as I can and I would like to do the EN questionnaire too. Thanks for your time! I greatly appreciate it! I'm hoping I can get him to talk a little tonight, he gets off @ 6 today!

Instead of using a dry erase marker, take a bar of soap and write your message in soap but not heavy enough that the soap can be seen. Then when he takes a shower, the humidity will condense on the mirror everywhere but the soap revealing your message.

That's a cool idea, I really like that! I'll have to try that in the back bathroom, the only shower we have! I would love more ideas like this! Thanks poijitos!

Who's gonna clean up the messages and who's to stop anyone else from seeing them?

But if it works 4 u. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

LoL, that's why I've taken to writing in our bathroom, no one else goes in there but us. Boy, I really let him hear what was on my mind tonight. He asked something and I started talking, then crying and stopped as quickly as I began. Said I didn't know if he understood the hurt that he caused, tried to make him understand that OW was getting everything I needed and wanted, that my LB is in the red, but I love him, etc. Said I didn't want to push the A in the background, that I wanted to use it to our advantage and have an A proof marriage in the future. Also, I needed to hear the story to understand, and that I feel insecure, hurt, etc. Well, I had to run to the store and in the checkout line, he text messaged me "I love you!" That would have never happened in the past! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I hope that's because I gave him something to think about! Wishful thinking? LOL I guess we will see!

Happy Mother's Day everyone! Hope ya'll have a great Day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We really got into it last night and if I had a place to go an stay with the kids I would. He needs a wake up call. OS,7, made breakfast in bed for me, H pissed at son because of lack of commuication with him. Needless to say, I'm the one that gets hurt in the whole thing, b/c of that, I didn't get anything from H. We starting talking about A and I was tryingto tell him what I needed and H said "so, you want me to kiss your @ss everyday?" Boy, that got me hot! H did tell me the story of A last night but only the questions I asked. Said he wasn't good at showing his emotions and that he wasn't a mind reader. Said he thought I had set him up at the party I threw for him. Boy, did I go off on that one! I wrote him a note after he announced that it wsa 11:30 and he was going to bed w/ me crying that I needed comfort, a hug, a kiss, etc. I said that we needed some time apart to figure things out, that I couldn't figure them out for him, etc. How do I deal with someone who wants the M, but still needs to learn a lesson? There's no hope of a true separation, we can't afford it, no one to stay with around here. Do I continue sleeping in the back room, barely talk to him, no more lunch together, don't call him, what? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I just ordered my books! His needs/her Needs, Surviving an Affair. I can't wait for them to come in. I feel like I'm going crazy today, keep thinking about if I only had a place to stay! AHHHH, I want to pull my hair out! There was a list I read called the 180 degree list by Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting. Does anyone think this is a good idea to follow the list since neither one of us can leave the house?

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=75264

nope needingcomfort I don't think that you should do 180's at all..

I don't think you should move out of the house
and I don't think you should continue to have huge emotional arguements with him...

I also don't think you should expect great revelations from him about the pain and hurt he has caused....

I also think that you need to get in much better control of your emotions....

what's happening is typical...

volatile erruptions of emotions from both of you which totally break down effective communication and become familiar deflections of he said she said...you hurt he hurts back..he hurts...you hurt back...

all of this takes away from the real issues
and
all of this does nothing to work on the bigger picture of re-building a marriage..

learning to cherish
learning to communicate
learning to be there for one another...

if you detach now without focusing on the good things...
well you may as well have a lawyer draw up the divorce papers cause that's where 180's and detaching and your case get you...

NOW if that's what you want...in the end...then go for it..

get to the meat and potatoes...

is NO contact established with OW
are you two in pro-marriage counseling
are YOU in plan A...

all this other wheel spinning stuff isn't getting anyone anywhere...

ARK^^

There hasn't been any contact with other woman, two weeks now! He said last night That I could check the cell phone bills and anything else that I like, because it doesn't matter now! How could he leaving me crying and just go to bed leaving me empty inside. Counseling is not an option with him and I was trying to do a Plan A, but I felt I wasn't getting anything from it. My books should be in at the end of the week, I'm hoping to read about Plan A and get a better feel for it today. I see no remorse, he views what I need from him right now as kissing my @ss! What is that? I don't want my M to end, but I can't be in a M where my needs are met. Is this just a rough spot? where do I go? How do I get through the hurt and rebuilt my M?

I'm bumping up the a plan a thread...

have you read the stick and the carrot of plan A...

He can't address the overwhelming pain and hurt....
he can't fix it
he can't change it...

and when you show him all the pain and hurt at once...he does what most people do...he retreats....

your pain becomes living proof that he can't fix this
he can't do anything...that what he has done is so overwhelming wrong...that it is safer and easier to retreat from your pain....

you don't have the tools to make it better...

you get emotional...and if he does address that...there is the chance and fear that you will just bring it up again...
(which is what WE (humans) do....)


unfortunately BS carry a huge burdon of constintantly seeking ways to keep communication open...not be part of the blocks....

WS are greatly layered in denial and rationalization...those are protection barriers so as to not self destruct in the destruction they have caused...

you will get much much much better responses when you can speak your pain in small doses

word pictures
and in a safe environment where you hold it together...

it's NOT easy....

but it's better that being part of the break down in communication.....

so what if counseling is not an option with him...YOU go first....
get that ball rolling....

a truly repentant WS will want to fix these things...

but demanding and crying for remorse...will not work....

WS first have to really really feel it....on the many levels that it exists...

you are way way way way too early in this game to be withdrawaling....

or doing 180's

and you have some positive things...
a man that has committed to no contact...tons of BS here would give a lot for that....

in plan A there is NO relationship talk..
there is no POINT to it...
do you understand plan A...
you should expect only things from yourself during plan A and not much from him...

what are your questions about plan A

ARK

I guess I really need to rad on it, because I really don't have an ideas. Is plan A only in the book, should I go to Plan A/Plan B forum? Where can I read more about it, so that I can form some questions. I though I needed to be giving him as much attention as I could. ????????????????

K, I printed the carrot and the stick and have read it like 5 or 6 times. That's what I was doing but I slipped with Mother's day yesterday! I wish me books would come in faster!