there been contact phone calls, text messages, one run in that I know of! where do I go from here? I just found this out! Oh, God, please help!

Try to stay calm. That is what usually happens. They are addicted to the other person and have a hard time giving up contact.

Have you talked to him about it?

All right. I just finished posting on your other thread and then I found this one. Ignore what I wrote on your other thread. I see from this one you haven't yet even broken up the adultery, much less entered recovery. How curious. Your husband has been lying to you all along, and you're surprised he lied to you again about non-contact? Lady, get used to it. If an adulterer's lips are moving, he's lying.

Needing, if you want your marriage to get better, you have to do something about it. I don't say you did a thing to cause this adultery. Your husband's infidelity is the result of extremely cruel, selfish choices for which he and he alone bears responsibility. You, though, have to do the heavy lifting in the marriage for a while because he can't. Right now, he's incapable of logical reasoning any more complicated than tying his shoelaces.

If you want to get your marriage back on track, it can be done. The principles expressed here on MB can make that happen, though it’s not guaranteed. Will you accept the notion of a lot of hard work, some sacrifice, and lots of patience being necessary to recover your marriage?

If you do, order a copy of Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. When you get it, study it…don’t just read…study it from cover to cover. That book is the source of all the practical advice offered here on MB.com and you need to know the strategic plan recommended by Dr. Harley. While you’re waiting for the book to arrive, take a look at the “Most Popular Links” in the upper right corner of every MB webpage.

It looks to me like you are flailing around without much idea of what you need to do or when to do it. You’re feeling deserted and very much alone in all of this. Nothing like this has ever happened in your universe. Needing, you need an operational plan to get your husband to recommit to the marriage and his family. I put together a sample of such a thing and posted it to “dad2my3boys.” Look at his thread and when you get to my sample operational plan, see what you think of it. It may not be perfect and it surely isn’t customized for your situation, but it should give you a starting place as well as fixing in your mind the fact that this is an orderly process. “dad2my3boys” thread can be found here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Needing, you can do this IF you want to. MB can help you find the path most favorable for you to get your husband back to the marriage. Calm yourself and expect the road to be bumpy. There will be more obstacles and potholes to negotiate. Hang in there, Lady.

Thank you all so much! after I posted I called a pastor at the church and will be scheduling an appt. for tomorrow! I ordered SAA and HN/HN this morning, I'm hoping they will be in by the end of the week! I want my M to recover but at the same time I want to be prepared for the worst! I will be reading this as sson as I can. I was very calm after having praised with the pastor! I will get on a plan ASAP, I didn't get M to get D, but then again, no one does right?

Good, Needing. If you go through the MB process, there's an excellent chance you can get your marriage back. It's not guaranteed. Nothing can ever be a lock. But, Needing, at the end of this, if your marriage still ends in a divorce, you will know you did everything humanly possible to save it and you'll be able to leave the marriage with your head held high. Work on that plan and lay it out for us, okay? There are folks out here who have gone through exactly what your are and they can help you get by this.

thanks, do you suggest that I sleep in the spare room, like I did last night? And you're telling me that I need to confront him about the phone calls and text messages? I was hoping to gather a little more before I confronted him!

Needing, I don't think anyone will advise you to sleep in another room. You can't reconnect with him if you are apart.

No, knowing more about your circumstances, I don't think you should confront at this time. Gather more information to find out the scope of the problem. Here is a thread dedicated to conducting a military-style intelligence operation. You might find some good suggestions in here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

Gather information, work on your operational plan (such as the one in dad2my3boys's thread) and study SAA, okay? If your husband refuses to never see/talk/message/email the OW ever again and write a NC letter to her, you are going to have go to the next step--exposure of the affair to people who can put pressure on this obscenity and break it up.

I'm not sure that you understand the A has already been exposed, to family, friends, neighbors, etc. OW is single and has two kids at home, one sick and one a S in high school. What do I do with that?

Is WH's work place a target for exposure? How about OW's parents? Your pastor?

If you've done all the exposure you can, the next step is to go into a Plan A for an average of 3 months. If that doesn't work, you can go into Plan B.

Yes, work is a target, and I don't know who the parents are, not even sure of maiden name. I do have a few people I know who drives buses with her that I can tell. And the personal at the store that they met at, that they both still go too. I was also wondering if I should tell him that I'm going to counseling! Maybe see his reaction and see if he'll go? I doubt it but what do you think?

Has anyone put up like a Flyer type paper saying "______had an affair with a married man/woman!" ? Is that legal? Would it be slanger? What's your ideas?

LONGHORN,WHERE ARE YOU? ORCHID? ANYBODY?

We're here, Needing. Some days start later than others.

Tell us more about how OW and WH met. Do they work at that store together, or does she work there and your husband is a customer representing his company or something like that? No, a banner like what you envision would be emotionally satisfying but it wouldn't have the desired effect and it might open you up to some legal issues with the store owner that you don't need.

Needing, understand this affair didn't develop and bloom overnight. It didn't go on for just a day or two and then end. It's not going to be solved in an afternoon either. This will take work, sacrifice, and patience.

Please take advantage of the counseling your pastor offered and find some peace. You really, really, really need to read SAA as soon as you can too. I hope it comes in soon. It will give you tremendous insight into what is happening to you and your husband.

Can you see a doctor and get on anti-depressant medication? Times like these are what those meds are designed for. Believe me, things will be a lot easier for you if your emotions even out.

While you wait for the meds to kick in, and while you read up on Plans A and B here on the MB website, continue your intelligence operation. You need to determine how much contact is going on. Did you read that thread on "Spying 101" I showed you? Can you implement any of those techniques?

Needing, keep yourself busy doing something productive. It does NO good to sit and worry about things you can do nothing about right now. The Plan A you've asked about is a time where you do things for yourself and make yourself a better person simply because it's a good thing to do. Find a hobby, for instance, or join a gym and tone up those muscles and lose those pounds you've always meant to. Maybe you can take a course online or one at the local community college. Get the picture? Stay busy and don't fret that things don't fix themselves like they do on a TV sitcom, okay?

A description of Plans A and B can be found on this website. Go ahead and start cruising through the "Most Popular Links" found in the upper right portion of every MB webpage.

Here is the link to Plan A:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Hang in there, Needing. Tell us about the OW, and also let us know how the counseling with your pastor went.

thanks, Longhorn, I am on meds, dosage was increased when this all started! H and OW are both customers at a convenient store. They began politily talking when they saw each others, then, H started going over to her apt. sitting on the steps or in the patio area. Of course, one day, he had to go to the restroom, and after he finished, her son was watching a football thing of his games for high school. Since that day, he started walking in the house, visiting with everyone (OW and 2 KIDS). She's divorced! One day, they were by them selves and one thing led to another, and that was it! Short story! H said he never once thought that it would bother me that he was going over there. I asked if H regreted it or felt sorry, H said he had some regrets, but then he did it again! WHAT THE he11 is that? Explain that one to me!
Thanks for the suggestions, I've lose 12 lbs, now 126, LOL! Maybe a few more wouldn't hurt! And some toning! See that's another thing I don't understadn, people have been telling me in the pass month, since the exposer "YOu're hot, You're sexy, You're pretty" if that's the case why did H almost destroy us for this older and not pretty OW?

Anyway, since I upped the meds, my mood have leveled out, you know not yelling at the kids like I use to, about to concentrate better, sleep a little better (I was waking up 6 or 7 times a night, now once or twice), and just able to think a little more clearly! But I still have all of these questions for him, but I know I can't push right now! I don't think I have to worry about him going back to OW but they do bump into each other at that store occasionally and that bothers me so much! I know I need to concentrate on us, being hapy at home and falling in love again, and like you said don't worry find something to do! I will try my best to follow your advice and I will be reading as soon as I can! Thanks again!