My ww divorced me at the end of March. Since then she's been online flirting with other men. She tells me she needs space and time alone to heal herself.

I thought we had a good marriage. We have been through a lot together. In the four years we were married, we had 3 kids, twins, 2 wars (I was a pilot in AF and was involved), a move overseas away from family and friends, a toxic mother-in-law (my mom), and lots of other things. She cheated on me while I was deployed.

She reminds me of the time I broke up with her when we were dating and tells me the situation now is similar. I broke up with her, dated around, and had time to see what I had lost and looked to get back with her. We got back together and married. She says the situation now is similar. I want to believe she really is sincere about getting back to me eventually, but I am starting to believe it isn't going to happen. I see the comments she makes to these guys online and just don't see it happening. She shows them more affection than she has shown me. She hasn't gone out with any of them, however.

I'm trying to move on. I have started dating again and have been seeing this really nice nurse that thinks the world of me. I don't want to hurt her and have been very honest about where I am. She's still interested and we are planning on seeing each other more. She's supportive of me and understands that my heart is not available for her right now. I still feel good when I'm with her and I like how attentive and excited she is when she sees me or I call her.

This morning I drove over to my ex's place and left breakfast in bed for her. I also gave her cards as if they were written by the kids. I left it with her mom and simply left after I prepared the meal for her. She never saw me since she was asleep. I haven't gotten a call saying thanks. Not expecting it either. I'm planning on making that my last show of affection to her. I hope that in a few months she'll remember it and think of what she's lost. I hope it's enough to motivate her to restore our family. I'm not holding my breath, though.

Any suggestions from anyone? Just let go and move on?

Well, I just got my thanks. It was through messenger, but at least I got a thanks. She liked the cards I wrote from the kids. I think she really liked my attempt, even if it didn't sit too well in her stomach. C'est la vie. Hope it gives her food for thought about how much she is missing out on. I still lover her very much.

If you REALLY love your wife, why are you out sleeping with other women????

That certainly doesn't sound like love to me!!

What are you willing to risk to keep her?

What are you willing to do to PROVE to her YOU LOVE HER AND HER ALONE??

We're divorced now. If it was up to me, we'd be together and married again. That's why I have slept with another woman. I'm not the ws, I'm the bs. I'm trying to move on after the divorce. I'm smothering my ws right now who wants little to do with me.

Papa,
I think what TR is trying to say is you’re not thinking straight. If you are in love with your wife, you are using the nurse. Yes, you’ve been honest, but she’s obviously not hearing you. If you are still in love with your ex-wife, stop dating others. Wait until you get over your X. And if you are trying to win your wife back, stop dating others, stop spying on her, stop smothering her. She’s your X. Spying on her online is… inappropriate and not something that will make her want to date you.

Papa,

Go read plan B. And then do it. She's not having to miss you, you are still there!!!!

Stop reading her on line stuff with other guys, why hurt yourself that way? and it is you that is hurting you, think about it!!!!

Be fair with the nurse. Find a group of friends to hang with, not a single female.

You mention your kids only at the beginning of your post. Make sure you are meeting there needs as a father. That goes along way in the X's book as to what a good guy you are.

Think of what you are doing and why you are doing it and what it will produce.

Dawn

I see my kids several times a week. My ex ww is very good about letting me see them and aranges for it regularly. They're the best thing in my life.

You're right about doing Plan B. It is the only way she'll ever miss me. I have stopped using AIM so I don't have the temptation to chat with her anymore when she's online. I'm going to stop e-mailing her as well unless it deals with child support, kids, or my employment.

Well good for you!!!!

How old are your kids? How is vistation, do you pick them up from her or does she drop them off? Could you use somebody as a go between? Probably not your mother!!!

Write out your plan B in detail so you know what it is that you expect from yourself, if it's in writing it's hard to cheat on it. Sorry bad choice of words!

I understand the kids and the child support but what does she have to do with your employment?

You need to stay strong, don't be weak as she will take advantage of that!!!!

Dawn
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I've given in to IM. I'm feeling weak. I tried to chat with her and called her. I messed up. Any suggestions on how to avoid this?

Get away from the computer. Leave the cell phone alone. Stop dwelling on her and what might have been. The consequence of her having an affair and not repairing the marriage is that you are no longer are available to her, to the kids yes but not her!

Find something else to do, go to the gym, ride a bike, go jog. You could be the fittest guy out there.

Plan what it is you are going to do with the kids the next time that you have them.

Do Not Go Looking For Another Woman right now you are not in the frame of mind to handle that!!!!

Dawn

Of the 4 years of marriage, how much time were you home and how much time were you away? If you were away alot and I was home (not even home, but overseas) alone with twins and another kid under 4, I might not be too thrilled with you either. So now you made her breakfast? Where were you before, she might be thinking? You were not there to fill her Love Bank. Any deposits you make now may fill her love bank somewhat, but it is still in the red.
From her point of view, she married you and wanted a family. But she got left alone with 3 babies in another country without you.

"The consequence of her having an affair and not repairing the marriage is that you are no longer are available to her, to the kids yes but not her!"

-This jumps out at me. Lets just say you back off and she "misses you" as you hope. You get back together. You are essentially sending her a message that it is OK to leave and take the kids whenever times get tough, it is OK to cheat on me and I will not only take you back any time/any place, but I will beg to do it.

She has some issues within herself that she needs to work out. I suggest you let her work her stuff out. If you persuade her to come back and she "breaks down" and does before she is ready, this whole thing is just liable to repeat itself sooner rather than later.

As for the nurse, I agree you are either messin' with her and sending her mixed messages, using her as a way to help you feel better, or I would question why she would want to set herself up for this. Doesn't she think better of herself than to be with someone who has made it clear he is in love with and trying to be with someone else?

I was home a lot when i was stationed in England. I was home all the time. Time apart wasn't a problem. One of the reasons I didn't get promoted was the fact that I stood by her side through some really tough times and fought with my leadership to be with her when she was going through some medical problems. I paid for it with my career, but I didn't care. She doesn't really appreciate this.

I completely melted down today. I wrote her, called her, messaged her. I cried over her and did nothing but think about her all day. I miss her terribly. I miss her and our family. Our marriage was good. The one I remember. It was the last 3 months before I left that were bad. My mother visited and we had a huge fight. This hurt her and she started feeling I was not putting her first. I was deployed right after this happened and she tried to talk to me while I was gone about it. She felt I wasn't listening to her issues with my mother. She demanded that I completely cutoff my mother from my life. I thought this demand was a bit excessive.

We fought about this and she felt that my denial of this request was the breaking point for her. She checked out emotionally at this point and that is when she started flirting online. She went out with 4 guys in the two weeks before I came home. She had a sexual encounter with one of them.

I tried to talk to her about her grievances again but she wouldn't talk to me about it. She checked out emotionally and I had the impression she had gotten over the argument and had put it behind her after that night. She's been checked out ever since.

I had issues as a husband, but none of them were that bad. I wasn't as romantic as she wanted me to be, but not a day went by that I didn't tell her I loved her. I was messy, but tried to clean up after myself, never to her liking. I was a good father, but there's always room for improvement. I stood by her side when she had anxiety attacks and medical problems that pulled me away from work.

I did allow my mother to express her negative opinion too much, but this was generally to me personally and I repeated it to my wife later. If I had kept it to myself it would have made a big difference.

I miss her terribly. I love her so much it hurts.

ive got this divorce site and i am sure that it will help you to overcome your feeling problems check it out .
best of luck

Papa,

Im new here and by far not an expert, but having said that I can tell you that when my wife is going out party'n with freinds, I get about the same way you do as far as sad, mad, lonely, resentful, insecure, and sometime even cry.

What works for me is reading what I have printed from MB.
I read "Love Busters" and "Emotional Needs"

I've printed a Whole binder full of information off this websight...(In case she's gone for a long time)

I also search the threads here for people who have applied these methods and have seen results from there spouses, I print those out and read them all the time to remind me that this stuff really works (In the real world) and it gives me hope.

I also like to read the responses from the veterans of this websight, because they know this stuff works if applied correctly and they give great advice on how to keep you cool through all of this.

Lastly, I printed this out and reduced it on a copy machine so I can carry it in my wallet and glance at it whenever I need a little reminder.

Can't even remember who posted it now.

This was a reply from another person.


"I realize how hard this is for you. My wife didn't move out (but she was ready to) and we went through some rough times. I didn't know how it'd end. I feared we'd divorce. I wanted to talk it all out but I nearly "talked our marriage to death"
Eventually I realized all I could do was to be the best husband I could be. "then let go and let God....." I stopped pushing for so much relationship talk. I did practice RH (Radical Honesty) by letting my wife know how I felt about things and I made it safe for my wife to be honest with me. I did not try to read her mind or presume to know how she felt about anything. If she even gave me a hint of a clue about how she felt, I'd verify and validate.
Today our marriage is stronger and happier than I'd ever imagined. But it didn't happen over the course of a few weeks of new behavior. And it certainly did not involve ultimatums..."


I realize this may not apply to your situation but its ideas for thought. She knows your hurting...give her some space.



Just my thoughts...
JS

Great advice.

I saw her today for a few minutes. I asked her if she'd go for that coffee with me. Says she doesn't want to do anything with me right now until she sees a track record of positive behavrior. Basically don't bring up anything she doesn't want to talk about and be a cheerful warm man. Of course, that is very tough to do when hurt and seeing the woman you love flirt with men online.

I know I have to stop pursuing. I started taking meds again to help keep me from crashing like I have.

Thanks to all those who reply. I try to take everything said to heart.

OK, your wife seriously messed up by having A, but there appears to be some things you need to get right before she will consider getting back with you.
Yes, the demand was a bit excessive, but you're responsibility was to reassure your wife that she was the most important person in your life, even over your mother. You made it clear that she had no chance of ever being more than 2nd best. She needed (and still needs) to see you stand up and defend her to your mother.

If you had kept it to yourself, your wife would not had built up all that resentment toward your mother. Would you sit and listen to a stranger call your mother nasty names? Why would you allow your mother to express negative comments about the woman you love? And why would you tell the person you love that you just sat there doing nothing and let someone trash her. Did you ever try telling your mother to shut up and give your wife some respect? Also, why does your mother have all these negative opinions. Do you run and complain to her every time wife does something you don't like?

You need to get some issues straightened out with your mother before you can have a chance of getting your wife back.

I'm willing to cut my mother out if necessary to get my wife back. She doesn't have the personality type that can just shut up and be civil. It's put me in very hairy situations.

I'm sorry if I came on a little strong, but I believe my soon to be XWH was working on our M until he went back to listening to SIL (OW is SIL's best friend). I finally kicked WH out when WH refused to defend me after SIL called and yelled at me for questioning some of his cell phone calls. I've never felt so degraded in my life.

I don't think the answer is to cut yourself off from your mother. That's only going to cause you to build up guilt and resentment as your mother gets older and needs you more. Your wife just needs to see you defend her. Even when you disagree with wife, show support in front of your mother and discuss with wife later.

Our MC suggested to my H that he tell SIL limits and them back them up. For example: "I'm not going to listen to you say ugly things about my wife. If you don't stop, I'm going to hang up, leave, etc." MC did warn that it would get worse at first. You're not going to stop it completely, but your mother will learn she has to stay within limits if she wants to see you or her grandkids.

I'm struggling lately. I really miss her and want to talk to her all the time. I went the whole day yesterday without IMing her or sending her e-mail or calling. I called her this morning to try and see what was going to happen with the kids for the weekend. I then tried to just chat casually with her and see what she was up to. She was evasive and got defensive again, saying she wasn't going to talk to me about what she was doing and that certain things were off limits, such as her social life.

I asked her how we were supposed to be friends if we can't even discuss everyday things or what we're doing in our lives. She says that right now she doesn't feel she can talk to me about things because of how I've been acting or react to the idea of her going out with people.

I hate this. I wish I could quit caring about what she does with her life. As long as I can see my kids I should be happy. I want desperately to get on with my life and quit feeling love for her. I want to care, I just don't want to love her anymore or care what she does with her life.

I'm trying to concentrate on finding work, and have had a good amount of luck with that. I have one offer on the table from a company, and I'm seriously considering it. I'm waiting for other offers to possibly come in. Once I have a job, things will be much easier and I'll be able to focus my attention on other things.