Hi all,
I'm fairly new to the MB seen, but have posted before and have been fighting the dogfight for over 5 months now. It's funny, but 5 months seems like a short time yet it has felt like an eternity. I'll give you all the short version of my story so you can know a bit about my sitch.

My wife and I have been married for 2 years (1 1/2 years on D-Day). We have a similar "cookie-cutter" story as everyone else on the site. Same [censored] different people. You know. My wife hooked up with some guy at the job and he started to fill her head with a bunch of crap. The man is separated form his wife and saw my wife as a beautiful, successful and smart woman that he wanted for himself. He showered her with attention, affection and conversation (areas that were weak in our marriage) and she fell in love.

Over the coarse of the 3 months of the A, she completely withdrew from the marriage, was rarely home other than to sleep and started to behave strangely. D-day happened on 12/13/05 when I found a letter to him from her professing how much he meant to her and how she enjoyed the time spent with him. Of coarse that's when the lies started. She lied about everything and anything. She lied to cover up previous lies. She just lied and lied and lied. I couldn't believe that she could look me in the eyes and lie without flinching as though she was born with the talent.

Over the coarse of about 2-3 months, the truth started to spill out. I just kept the pressure on by finding more info and pressing her for the truth. I found out that it was a 3 month EA and PA. She wrote in her diary 'We connected on all sexual levels and that holds a lot of weight.' It's been brutal on me emotionally and physically. It has effected all aspects of my life from personal to professional. Here is the point.

The OM is a coworker in the same building. He's been working there for about 7 years and is very successful in what he does. She was new to the job (about 3 months in) prior to the A taking off. One of the first request that I made of her even prior to finding out that it was a PA (and prior to reading any MB stuff) was that she needs to leave the job ASAP. I will not tolerate contact with the OM. Most WS spouse would recognize this as an absolute necessity to healing the damage caused by the A, however my WW gets extremely attached to jobs that she likes and she quickly moved into a defensive stance in order to protect the job (thus the enormous amount of lying).

We've had about 5-6 big fights about the job in which divorce and selling the house was often mentioned by me. Each time she managed to calm me down by getting emotional (crying) and telling me how sorry she was, however providing no satisfactory solution to the job situation. By the way, we have no children and the PA ended back in December 2005, however the EA still goes on to this day. The OM says things to her very often that upsets her. She tries to be strong. She told him that he needs to forget about her and burn everything that reminds him of her. Here's where the lies kick in. She has been telling me for months that she doesn't speak to him at all and he is not interested in her. Come to find out that there are conversations on the job that she fails to tell me about. That omission of info is lying to me. The net result is that she is stuck in the FOG. I know she loves me and has done a very good job in disconnecting from the OM even while in contact with him daily. I know because I know all of his phone #'s and I check her phone records daily. She is also accountable for her time while out. She says that she doesn't want to be with him because she had the opportunity to do so and turned it down. She chose to stay and work on the M, but she can't break the attachment to the job.

Here is what I want you all to help me with. I've done all that I can to help our M and she has been a very compliant WW after about 1 1/2 months after D-day. She is not making any real emotional recovery from the A. From reading her diary, I've found out that she is still more concerned with what's going on in the OM's life than what's happening in our M and that really bothers me. We've had many long conversations this weak about that. I've revealed to that I've been reading her diary and don't like what I hear. I've intensified the pressure to leave the job. I first asked her her for a deadline for resolving the job issue. She told me 6 more months. I told her that is too long. I've already waited for 5 months. I'm a teacher in high school. September is a big month for me because school starts. I told her that I want a clear head by september 1st. If she does not change jobs by September 1st, I am going to move on without her. Life is too short. I feel like if she wants to waste months and years rolling around in muck like pig, she can do it single. What do you all think? I will follow through because I have backed down too many times and have lost myself and my manhood in doing that.

U asked I will give my 2 cents. U need t/d the following:

1. Read the concepts section above.

2. Take the EN questionnaire, once as yourself and 2nd as her. If she is willing t/d it fine. If not you take it as her and compare,

3. Read:
a. Surviving an Affair (Harley)
b. Love must be tough (Dobson)
c. His Needs/Her Needs (Harley)

Actually read it in that order. I think you need t/b prepared to learn about plans A then B. Why? Because with the direction u r going and her slowness to recover....plan B may be needed b4 the summer is over.

4. Secure your finances. A's have a way of eating up a lot of time, energy and $$.

5. Call Steve H to setup a recovery plan. 1st recovery 4 u, then get one in place for the M, should she turn around.

NOTE: Your personal recovery steps will help you and show her you are not willing to enable the A in YOUR life.

That's for starters. U game?

L.

Well if the word “ultimatum” makes you uncomfortable call it a “Boundary”! I think whatever you do have it well thought out. The worse thing you could do is make an idle threat.

She has a choice to make and so do you. She either wants the marriage or she does not. If she is seeing the OM at work everyday I am not sure she is committed to you. How do you know they are not talking at work or meeting during work hours? People in Affairs find ways to cheat so don’t assume that she is not still in the affair. Also, since she sees him all of the time she can’t help but pine for him all of the time.

She wants to keep her job. The two main reasons could be that she just loves the job or she wants to keep things going with the OM. She gets to see him everyday even if she is not in her mind still having the affair. The problem is she has to decide what is more important her marriage or her job.

So far your marriage has not been a priority. She found another man and betrayed her vows. She continues seeing the OM and ignoring your feelings. I know it must have been tough to read her diaries. I found myself in kind of the same position at one point in my life and it sucks. She cries to manipulate you and get her way. It is not her fault that works for her; it is your fault for letting her get away with it.

You need to decide when enough is enough. I myself struggle with this too. In your case you do not have any children. You have not been married very long and she has already strayed. If she is not willing to quit it would tell me that she is not committed to you and protecting you. The problem I had with this is I would rather have my wife happy with OM than miserable with me.

I still can’t decide if I want to stay married. I know that I wanted my wife to be happy and she was not with me. I was angry with her but I had to admit to myself she never treated me well and never seemed happy with me. I decided right away to cut her loose and move on with my life. She did not like that and she never had withdrawal for the OM. She is actually far nicer to me than she was in all the years that I knew her. It was a wake-up call for her when I told her I wanted a divorce and she could go to OM and have the life she wanted. I knew I was a far better man than him and she was trading down but I wanted her happy. The problem now is I have kids and yet I no longer love my wife. I wish she had picked the OM because I don’t want to be married to her yet I don’t want to hurt my kids.

There is nothing worse for a man than to have a wife that is in love with another man. Some might think it is worth the fight but I don’t really think it is. If they are in love with OM and are always longing for him just how happy a marriage can you have? I made a choice to move on and then she started trying to convince me to stay married to her.

If you have treated her well and have done a good plan “A” then I would give her a choice, either quit the job or end the marriage. But only do this if you are prepared to be divorced if she chooses that option. If you want to remain married at any cost do not give her an ultimatum. Just my .02 worth.

snt - How old are you, Pal?

What extent of joint assets do you have - own your home?

What kind of business do they work in? What country? A well known company? Is OM her boss/superior? How do you know OM is separated? What exposure have you accomplished?

worthatry

I'm 28 soon to be 29. She is 28. We have owned our home for about 1 1/2 years. No kids. We are financially entangled. We pay all of our bills together and have joint credit cards. She's an accountant and he is a computer specialist in the company. He is not her boss. I've learned most of my info about him from her. She told me that he is separated. I have exposed nothing at the the job. Selected members of our family and friends know about our situation.

IHadEnough

Thanks for the advice. I can relate to you on several levels. I differ with you in that I do still love my wife and really would like our marriage to work. She has been very good in easing the situation. In the beginning, while in the fog, she was very hurtful as she continued to call him and interact with him outside of work. As the months went by, she started to conduct herself more appropriately. Be honest, I will never know exactly what happens on the job between the two of them. The only way to fully resolve that trust issue is for her to implement no contact. I agree with you 100% that I must follow through with my ultimatum, otherwise she will continue to use her emotions to manipulate me. It has to end. She doesn't want to leave the job so that we can have peace and she doesn't want to be with the OM. She just wants to sit in a state of limbo as she waits for some miracle cure to solve her problem. If she won't end it than I will have to end it for me.

So you understand that this has about a 25% chance of being accurate, right?

50/50 he's lying to her about being separated. 50/50 she knows he's not separated, yet is lying to you that he is.

50% of 50% is 25%.

You like those odds?

Moral of this part of the story - find OM's wife and expose. You've got a 50% chance that your wife doesn't know he's not separated and thus, a 50% chance she'll be pissed that he lied about it to her.

Your mileage may vary.

Next part of the story: You're young, only been married a short time, and have no kids with her. Have you considered cutting your losses? Look at what you've learned in the process - so this wasn't wasted time. Your next relationship could be MUCH better.

WAT

Hi Kiddo

welcome

Here is what I want you all to help me with. I've done all that I can to help our M and she has been a very compliant WW after about 1 1/2 months after D-day. She is not making any real emotional recovery from the A. From reading her diary, I've found out that she is still more concerned with what's going on in the OM's life than what's happening in our M and that really bothers me.

Is she on any medication?

We've had many long conversations this weak about that.

Loooooong conversations and what PLAN resulted??? You need a PLAN, my man!

I've revealed to that I've been reading her diary and don't like what I hear.

Unless you made an agreement not to snoop, keep reading.

I've intensified the pressure to leave the job. I first asked her her for a deadline for resolving the job issue. She told me 6 more months.

Unacceptable.

Why?

Your love bank will be bone dry by then.

I told her that is too long. I've already waited for 5 months.

tell her why ... give a brief not too preachy explaination of "love bank" concept. Tell her she is making daily withdrawels and soon there will be a zero balance..

I'm a teacher in high school. September is a big month for me because school starts. I told her that I want a clear head by september 1st. If she does not change jobs by September 1st, I am going to move on without her.

I think your PLAN is a little weak.

Tell her these things need to happen within 10 days

> get STD testing
>she submits her resignation at her job
> you begin couples counseling

Life is too short. I feel like if she wants to waste months and years rolling around in muck like pig, she can do it single. What do you all think? I will follow through because I have backed down too many times and have lost myself and my manhood in doing that.

[b]Just to be clear...

YOUR manhood does not depend on your wife doing what you want

it depends on you keeping your word and if she crosses a well explained and completely understood boundary ... YOU take the action that your promised ~~ YOURSELF ~~ that you would.

Pep