Well, I met this guy, we hit it off really well. Although we live about 2 hours apart, we've been seeing each other almost every week (and sometimes 2x a week if he has business in my city) for about 2.5 months. We haven't had the "let's be exclusive" conversation. However, we seemed to be sliding in that direction. He canceled two dates with other women after we met, he invited me to his B-Day BBQ with his family in early June, and he asked me to go on a 3-day weekend trip with him in late June/early July.

On mother's day, I had brunch with his family (my parents passed away a long time ago and the rest of my family live on the other coast). Well, during that brunch, we were in the kitchen preparing food and I overheard him talking to this brother. His brother mentioned that he still wanted to introduce him to a girl, and my date's response was that he was open to it but he "couldn't talk about it right now." My date sounded pleased/enthusiastic.

Now, we haven't had the exclusive talk, so I can't expect or assume that, but I did NOT expect him to sound pleased/enthusiastic. I guess I thought we were closer to exclusive than that based on his actions and our plans.

I felt hurt, foolish and sad. If he had said anything like, well, let me think about it, or any hesitation at all, I would have been ok because we haven't had the exlusive talk, but he did no hesitate -- he was pleased & obviously looking forward to it. I wanted to say -- hey, why don't you bring her to your BDay party so I can meet her too. Maybe I'll bring another date as well. Anyone else who should be invited to your BDay party? Grrrr

Am I wrong to feel hurt? How should I handle this? Here's what I thought:

(1) say nothing for now, just continue to enjoy the next couple weeks & BDay party, and THEN bring up exclusivity before our trip?

(2) bring it up now? --when do I bring it up? how? just calmly say ...I don't want to make any wrong conclusions, are we exclusive or not?
(Guys, do you hate it when girls bring this up & do you prefer that you bring it up?)

(3) for now, continue to have fun, etc, but ask him to always be honest with me regarding our R & stuff -- that would cover all sorts of things, but is it too vague?

Ok, I'm lost -- gentleman, ladies, what do you recommend? how do you approach this subject? sigh.....

Bring it up now. Let him know you overheard and wondered about the status of your relationship, especially since he's been planning weekends with you.

I disagree slightly with Newly.

What’s to bring up? You know the status of your relationship given his reaction. I think it may be more important for you to decide if you want to continue seeing him this much when he’s intent on keeping his options open.

And, I'm sorry you were hurt.

newly - I'm just not sure how to bring it up, or if it's too early to raise this issues, and I don't think I want to discuss this over the phone.

Greengables - I see your point. Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I guess I feel that since it's only been 2.5 months and we haven't had the exclusivity talk, then I can't really say that this is a "dealbreaker." If it was 4-5 months in, then I would have had the talk already, and if I hadn't, then I would bring it up now and if he wasn't willing to be exclusive, then I would walk away. Of course, if we already had the talk, and I heard this, I would calmly tell him how I felt and then walk away.

It seems like we're in that gray, murky area of pre-exclusivity and I don't want to over or underreact.

Maybe I should ask, in general, when do people expect things to be exclusive? How do you establish that? How do you ask for that in a calm way that encourages honesty/openness?

I expect exclusivity before I have sex. That may go without saying on this site, but in real life…. LOL. I quickly found I didn’t have time for more than one man in my life. So, basically, when M and I started dating, I told him around the third date that I wasn’t seeing anyone else because I couldn’t fit it into my schedule. About three dates later, he told me he took down his match.com profile, his way of saying he wasn’t seeing anyone else.

Nev, I understand it’s only been a couple of months, but it seems this guy isn’t headed for exclusivity. I’m not saying you should never see the guy again, but you may want to consider dating others.

How tacky of his brother to do this in your presence. I know you weren't supposed to hear it, but why take the chance? If he's so set in introducing his brother to someone, why not call him on Monday to talk about it?

Here's how I've handled it. I make it a statement, about my choice. Like "I've decided to not accept any dates or see anyone else. I like how our relationship is going, and I'd like to see what happens without the complications or distractions of other people." Then see what he says.

Nev -- how do you feel? Are you interested in dating anyone else? If someone asked you to meet a friend of theirs what would YOUR answer to that question have been?

You gotta have the talk...men don't get "clues"

Personally, I don't expect exclusivity, nor do I expect to be exclusive until engagement. That's the only real marker of exclusivity.

You may choose to date him exclusively, but that's no guarantee that he will reciprocate.

If that is something you want and he doesn't, you have decisions to make.

GG - you said...

"I expect exclusivity before I have sex."

Me: I agree. We're not at that point yet, although I thought we were heading to exclusivity. Perhaps that was what he was expecting with the trip.

You said: "... but it seems this guy isn’t headed for exclusivity."

Me: Ouch, but you may be right. Would you elaborate a little more on why you say this? (GG - I'm not trying to argue, just trying to understand - thanks!) The reason I'm asking is that all signs seemed to point in the other direction. He is a long-term R kind of guy and we seemed to be heading in that direction. Yes, he was dating people when I met him. I was too. I can continue to date others. It seems that some overlap in dating or ramp-up to exclusivity is natural/normal.

For example, in your case it took M six dates before he was ready to do that. And then he didn't actually verbalize it, he just hinted at it. So, if he had taken his profile down, but not said anything to you, would you have just assumed that he was also exclusive? When would you have asked him what he was up to, and how would you say this?

I'd ask you if you were proposing...because something like this from a man is essentially that.

Seriously, you gotta be prepared for getting the answer you don't want. Something like this would be make or break for me, but that's a good thing. If that's the kind of relationship she's looking for, then it's probably best we get it in the open so we can both move on in our lives.

nts,

I'm not dating yet so you can take what I say with a grain of salt but after reading your post,I think that you should just continue to see this guy as you are and try to enjoy yourself.Keep in mind that I also think that you may be reading into things a bit as well.So he may have sounded enthusiastic about another date.Maybe he really wasn't and was just trying to be accepting of his brother's idea.Afterall,your guy did cancel other dates before,maybe he will again! And,maybe since your sparkling wit and personality are winning him over thus far <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />,he will probably do the same with this new girl,heave ho.Who knows for sure but personally,I would not mention you overheard what they said.Continue to date as if there is no exclusivity, which there isn't,and keep your eyes wide open.What are *your expectations? I think 2.5 months is a bit soon to be exclusive.

Also,if I may say so,don't say things like, "Well why don't you bring the other girl to the party so I can meet her too". It would sound like you are insecure and jealous at a time when you should *not be and may raise a red flag on his part.Be confident and secure in yourself.

Your feelings are not wrong but examine why you are hurt after something like that.And,I agree with lexxy that it was not appropriate for the brother to ask your guy something like that while you were there but maybe his manners aren't up to snuff.

JMHO.

Well...since I've not been in the position of wanting exclusivity yet I can't give you an answer based on experience. But that won't stop me from answering.

I agree with GG, definately before sex.

Do you want to be exclusive? Are you looking for a potential partner in him or are you willing to have sex then be happy to move on if things don't work out? Non exclusivity doesn't necessarily preclude sex, that's your personal choice, but it does affect the exclusivity question.

If you want to be exclusive I would bring it up & include the fact you overheard his comment to his brother. Let him know this is fine, he's free to do as he pleases, but you are looking for more. If you're willing to walk away say it then. Make it clear you don't want to pressure him because clearly he's interested in seeing other women but you want to know where things stand so you can make some choices. This is all done as an adult conversation, a gathering of facts so you can decide what you want to do. He's been clear, albeit not with you directly, about what he wants. Now you're in a position where you need to make choices.

If you don't want exclusivity there's not much choice but to start seeing other people. He will. It hurts to know this when you saw things headed a different way but there it is. I don't know that I'd bring it up but I'd probably let him know I'm busy more often. If it looks like you're heading towards sex this is when I would bring up the comment you overheard & tell him you've been looking around & even seeing others.

The ups & downs of dating....kinda stinks.

thanks for the replies -- the male vs. female perspective is very helpful

LOrbit- I hear what you're saying, and I'm learning more about the way guys view things, but wouldn't you want your significant other to be exclusive at least some point before engagement? and if so, when & how would you prefer this to be established? Any suggestions on wording? thanks

Lexxy - how do I feel? I would be willing to date exclusively to see how things work - it's not that easy to connect like this and I think it's worth taking the next step. That may lead to deciding that we are not right for each other, so I'm not saying M or anything close to that. Just another step in the dating process for me.

AmBeauty - ok, this is where I was leaning, sort of a combo of just enjoying the next few weeks with him and then bring it up (although I'm not sure how & how best to say it). Also, I didn't say that sassy comment and I wouldn't -- just venting in my head -- guess it was the hurt/surprise and I obviously have some feelings for him already. When would you bring it up, and how would you phrase it?

Nev, I’m sorry about the “Ouch.”

I guess the way I see it is this. The man liked you enough to stop seeing some other women. He also likes you enough to invite you places with him. But, he’s still open to seeing if something better comes along.

To a certain extent, Low Orbit is right, and we all are open to something better until engagement or marriage. BUT, that doesn’t mean we go actively seeking it by letting others set us up on blind dates. I think it’s that he’s getting set up that waves a flag to me.

Compare these two situations:

1.You are dating a nice guy and you have fun with him but aren’t sure he’s the One. While you are at a fabulous art opening, you bump into this hot looking guy and strike up a conversation. You find this man fascinating and agree to meet for coffee.

2. You are dating a nice guy and you have fun with him but aren’t sure he’s the one. So, when your girlfriend says she knows a guy you might like, you say, “Great, I’d love to meet him,” and you agree to make time for Mr. X even though you’ve never even laid eyes on him.

There’s nothing wrong with situation 2. I’ve been in both situations myself when I was younger. The difference is in #2, you pretty much already know know the man is not for you, he’s a place holder. In #1, you’re less sure.

LO, I’m not engaged, but my boyfriend has made it clear, we’d have problems if I were dating someone else. We’re exclusive not because we’ve made some sort of vow, but because we want to be. That’s the big difference between dating exclusively and marriage. Joking. Sort of.

I would watch the behavior...sure, I'd be looking for evidence that someone was ready to be exclusive before I asked them. That might included some indiciation that they had already been exclusive..but I certainly wouldn't expect it.

You see, I have NEVER believed in "going steady" or "pre-engagement".

I WOULDN'T prefer to estabslih it in any formal manner before I was engaged.

If it's to be broached, the wording in the earlier post was best..just say it.

And this is your agreement. It is no different to me than an "engagement".

I would not engage in such a commitment. Just not my preference.

Hi all,

I've been lurking around for awhile, I posted several years back under a different name as my marriage was falling apart but haven't posted since I've started dating again; however, I had to reply to this comment.

I am a man, and I can say that I for one expect to be exclusive well before I would even consider popping the question. To me you can't really get to know someone until they feel comfortable and secure with you, and how can they feel secure with someone who is seeing others at the same time. To me it seems very unrealistic to go directly from dating around to saying I want to spend the rest of my life with someone.

Exclusivity doesn't have to be reached by both people at the same time, and I would think it rarely is. When you are ready, I think it's perfectly reasonable to state that you will not be seeing anyone else. If they don't reciprocate in a reasonable timeframe, then you obviously are not on the same page as far as where the relationship is heading.

So LO is not speaking for all men.

DA

nts,

I am glad you didn't say those comments and were just venting.I have noticed some women friends do that to their BF's and well,maybe it's just me but I think it looks jealous and childish.I would like to see them just be open and honest about their feelings and discuss it in an adult and respectful way.I can understand how emotions can get in the way of doing that but it's important to be serious and well grounded to solve problems.

If you are already feeling like you want to be exclusive,then sure,do talk about it.Everyone will have their own timetable when they feel ready to do that.For me I think a couple of months is soon.But that's just me.When I date I will try to be sure I get over a good period of time,including the on-the-best-behavior period that many people can put out there, before closing the door on other options( men).

One of 3 things can happen if and when you bring up exclusivity to your guy:

1) No way
2) Ok
3) Maybe LOL

But in any event,you need to be sure how you will handle the answer and what feels right to you.If your guy says,"Im not ready to be exclusive yet", how will you handle that? How long do you feel it's ok to wait for him to be non-exclusive before you end the relationship if he never chooses to be? Have a timetable in your mind and stick to it.That's one particularly important thing I always stuck to and talked about being here at MB.I read over and over about the people who strung out Plan A's,didn't stick to Plan B's and were all over the place smudging boundaries and becoming unglued while waiting for other's(WS's) to decide about YOUR life.Don't let that happen.Be in control.

How does exclusively dating differ from an engagement? Well, when one is engaged one is saying “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Dating exclusively is more like “I enjoy being with you so much, I don’t want to make time for other dates. You are the important one.” If the other person doesn’t feel the same way, fine, but I’d probably stop dating him after a while because it’s painful when someone doesn’t care for me in the same way or to the same general degree I care for him.

ABeauty -- I agree, there is a time limit for me on how long I'll date someone before we either take it to the next level or end it. That timeline varies depending on each situation. In this situation, I felt the exclusivity conversation should come in about 4 weeks (so about 2 or so weeks before we made final travel plans). Now, the conversation I overheard is putting some pressure on that timeline. I'll probably wait until after the BDay party and then have the exclusivity talk in person.

GG- I think I feel more like you. I view the whole thing as a process - a series of steps along the way, and at any point one or both of us may decide not to continue the process. So, it goes something like this (and this is general with a lot of time in between)... meet, 1st date, regular dating, exclusive relationship, engagement and marriage. I see dating exclusively as a way focusing on the R and what it could be, and also as a measure as to how the other person behaves in a committed R.

DatingAgain - all opinions are welcome. In general, when do you reach the point of being exclusive? How many months of regular dating (assuming that things are progressing emotionally, etc)? How would you want that exclusive understanding to be established?

thanks

Nev,

I think you have your answer already, when he appeared excited and open to another dating possibility. I've no doubt he likes you and enjoys your company, hence all the future plans, but he's keeping his options open. No doubt about it. Bringing up exclusivity now, I dunno, just seems a bit premature. You already know he doesn't want to be exclusive......

I think you should address it when the sexual component of your relationship heats up, but definitely before your weekend away together. Are you staying in the same room? Definitely need to address that so there aren't any misunderstandings. How to bring it up? Just say you want to talk to him about your weekend away, ask what the sleeping arrangements will be, and just be honest about your beliefs on a sexual relationship only w/in an exclusive relationship.

Otherwise, continue to date, enjoy his company, but keep your options open too b/c it's pretty clear to me, by your reaction, that you are more emotionally invested than he is and that can lead to some seriously hurt feelings.

BTW, his brother was just plain tacky.