Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

RBB-I've bumped your other thread up so it should be right underneath this one for now. Hopefully, some kind blogger expert can show us how to link them together. Next time, you don't need to create a new thread, you can just edit the title to this one using the edit function. (I don't know much, but I sure can edit!)

This is a roller coaster ride Rainbow. The ups and downs are still ahead. One day you will figure out that you no longer want t/b on that roller coaster and will make yourself get off. Can you do it now? Probably not.

Your mind and heart must be in sync 1st. That's why I stress the need to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Reading those books, taking the EN questionnaire, counseling with Steve and posting here along with your personal improvements is enough to give you a start at your personal recovery. Then you w/b able to handle whatever comes your way.

Don't expect a miracle or sudden recovery. It could happen but not likely. Instead look at it as a journey. One that you need to get back in YOUR control. Otherwise the course the WS will lead you on w/b one to destroy you as a BS and family. The WS does not care for a family environment.

Notice how every idea or thing you say and do is met with resistance of sorts. Yet if the same stuff comes from another source (be it friend or foe), it c/b welcomed by the WS with open arms. Crazy? But it does happen.

JMHO,
L.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

RB,

In your post, I see progress and strength even in this short time.

U R right to just laugh when he babbles. Let him wonder. The more he wonders the less his mind wanders....is what I say. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

U r also giving him stuff to think about when u r not around. The very fact that he sees he is not good marriage material and knows someone like him w/b bad for his daughter, is a good sign. For now count your blessings for those kinds of signs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for journeling. I did it for months. Later it stretched to about 3 years but not as often as in the beginning. Later, even now I go back and read them, wondering how I survived. But I did. U will 2.

take care,
L.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

I'll let the experts weigh in, but IMVHO, it's not so much WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it.

One Way: You ly'in, cheat'n byastad! Lookee 'ere at all the ev'dence!

Two Way: I appreciate your efforts to be courteous about this, and I really appreciate the efforts I know you are trying to make here. That said, I'm hoping we can have a civil discussion about these things that are weighing heavily on me....

IMVHO, NO LB's does not mean "Grin and bear it!" On this site, Mr. Patriot has as a signature line something like, "conflict avoidance only breeds more conflict." If it needs to get out there, use thoughtful words and frame it around "trying to improve the marriage, not trying to break it down."

Keep it up!

Hi (((RB)))! I feel your exhaustion - it is a bugger having to play games! Imanotherone offers good advice for life - there are 2 ways to say everything - I'm trying to re-train myself to think before I speak, and it is hard.

Couple of questions because I'm not familiar with your old post - is it EA only or both? Have you formerly exposed?

Reason I ask is that you mentioned several times how you mention to H with regard to the OW's such as lunches or times etc. Is it possible you are "reacting" to the information instead of "responding"? H may be feeding off your reactions - but if there is no power to be had by your response, (self control mind you) then that might diffuse some of that. Also, take the focus off of OW and get the focus back on your family. The experts here advised me to drop all talk of it while I look for proof and I think that is wise. It also helps you regain trust from your H while you continue to snoop. Plus, the more they know you look - the more they will cover their tracks.

I have the same problem with this but not with regard to OW just in general. I believe in calling a spade a spade and calling crap where it stands. I am having a real hard time stopping that instinct in order to craft it into a different form before it exits my mouth or detours back down my throat! =) We are struggling, I think with conversation....in general. It is getting easier but has been very awkward and I have found by backing myself off although my head is running crazy, it is giving room for him to be. I can't say I'm getting the results I would like from him but we are slowly changing so I try to think of it as baby steps. I usually sit and think in my head "you are a hateful, grumpy overtired old gurmudgeon" but then what comes out is "you worked very hard this week, I'm sorry you are so tired". I'm practicing anyway!

I also wonder in my head that if the reason he doesn't talk to me is because he already talked to OW, or doesn't say anything in case the wrong thing slips out. I don't know, and I hate that - but I guess that also proves that I can't read him very well.

Well hang in there - and do something nice for yourself.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

Why aren't you in plan B? How is letting the children see you hurt helping them? What example is it teaching them?

Acknowlege that there will be worrying but in plan B it is less than plan A.

U decide...... think about it. I don't see anywhere in your post where plan A right now is better than B.

L.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

Your mind and heart yearn t/b in sync.....let them.

L.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

RB,

The mind and heart have different objectives within the same soul/body.

The mind sees and processes in logic. Ex: The A is wrong. Fix it or get out. Logical right?

The heart feels the emotional, remembers the past, cherishes the future. Ex: Birth of your chlid. a romantic dinner, the fight, d/d, loss if a job, death of a relative, moving into your new home, etc. Those all spark memories and emotions. There are more, those are just examples.

Take a look at the above. Some of those things run logic an emotions. You don't make house payments based on emotions yet some of your decisions are based on such....what color to paint the room, which home to buy, etc.

So your mind and heart had t/b in sync with previous decision making issues. Like the purchase of a home, birth of a child......inevitable circumstances pull the resources of the mind and heart. For those things at the time seem like huge challenges but we do them....and often do them as a couple or a family.

This A thingy though is done not as a couple or a family. It is a divisive act which the BS must process alone. See your spouse is not your H, he is a WS and without warning has abandoned your mind and heart. The mind knows and reacts must faster when the WS appears. The mind goes into it's protective mode. The heart on the other hand is often in shock. Can't believe it has been betrayed by the very one who's job it was to protect them and the family. The shock throws the heart for a loops and for a while....yes, the heart goes into denial, avoids conflict, gets caught up in the fog and therein lies the disconnection of the heart and mind. The heart pulls hard on past memories and can't believe, won't accept the M is over.

The mind wants the M t/b over so it can move forward and the heart won't let go. Reality is a delicate balance between the 2 and therein lies the real reason why your mind and heart must be insync before you make life changing decisions (D or not to D).

Plans A & B help the BS get to the stage where your mind and heart get in sync. It is not an easy journey or task. You can't rush your mind and heart. Reading books by Harley and others, good MC, good support group, posting here, journaling, etc....helps. A good lawyer to help you know your rights is good to have also.

After the shock wears off, your heart is forced to face the reality of the A. If the WS is still raging, then the heart sees the hurt, then comes to a decision point of whether it will join forces with the mind and get into sync so progress can be made or if it stubbornly pulls back into the past or goes into denial.

You have seen all the scenarios played out here on various posters.

In my personal case d/d was Nov 2000. The 1st Saturday in March 2001 was when my mind and heart went into sync. From there the WS didn't have a chance of conquering me. It was hard and yes, he did try. From that point on, I battled a miscarriage, OW claiming 2 false preggos, several false recoveries, even attended an RO hearing in court just to watch the OW make a fool out of herself and see her manipulate the court system, wasting tax payer's $$. Still since my mind and heart were in sync, the WS or Xws was no match for me. He either had to join forces with me and my family or leave. My boundaries became more and more clear.

For me, the trigger to getting into sync was the realization that I had value. I too had dreams (no not like ML King) but my dreams put some pretty famous character actors vying for me attention. Nothing sexual but the emotions ran high and boy did they meet my needs. I awoke realizing the OW's words trying to make me feel worthless were worthless and I was far more valuable than any OP dead or alive.

With that renewed self confidence booster, my mind and heart went into sync.

Yours will come also. Be patient and be prepared.

L.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

RB,

I spent a lot of time on posting to you. Yet I see you deleted your posts.....do I need to delete mine? What's up?

L.

OK Rainbow,

How are you doing?

L.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

Rainbow,

Stand your ground. It is the evil WS in him that wants to make you miserable. Don't give into the demands of the WS. Pay heed though to your real H.

It w/b hard to differeniate between the 2 but his anger is a key the WS is in town. Watch the eyes.

Be prepared to call his bluffs. He wants to move out, let him. You really don't need a WS in your home anyway. They just eat and cause holes in the walls. Is that termites or WS' Hm.... sometimes you can't tell. LOL!!!!

Well let me know if you need off-line support. My e-mail addy is: mborchid2@yahoo.com

At the very least, get ahold the of the book: Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. He will help you learn how to deal with that anger raging from the WS.

Practice your reverse babble also.

take care,
L.

Hi Rainbow believer,

I so totally understand your situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The "I love you, but am not in love with your", speech came one week before finals.

My close friends and teachers at school pulled me through it, because I was a mess, and I couldn't think straight or make sense of most of what I had to do for school.

Hang in there, and lean heavily upon your friends and teachers for help getting through finals.

You sound like you are on the right track, acknolledging the fact that, you can not make decisions for your ws.

(I'm sure you know this, but generally, when they say they need space and want to move out, in reality it means, they want to continue their affair, without you there to mess it up.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Tell him, you are all about marriage, and if he wants anything different, he is going to have to do it alone, you are not going to help him to end your marriage.


Prayers being sent your way for finals.


Sincerely,
k.d's heartbreak