I am new to the site but I have been reading Surviving an Affair by Harley and found that I have really connected with the book so I am really happy that there are so many others that subscribe to the same view.

Anyway, I have been married for 5yrs and have been together with my husband for 10years total. My husband revealed to me that he was having an affair 3 mths ago feb 3. The affair had been going on for 4 mths. When he told me it was a real shock because we never really discussed being unhappy and we as far as I know had been honest with each other in the past. Yes, the energy between us had been a bit dead especially since our daughter was born 2.5 years ago but we never addressed it.
He has been on the fence pretty much ever since. He keeps on going back in forth that he wants to possibly work on the marriage and then not. Over time he has revealled that he is in love with her yet he tells me that he also loves me. He is still seeing her yet states he is trying to get some distance from her. "I am only talking to her on the phone and seeing her once a week". This is not distance to me. He claims he is being honest with me in terms of when he sees her, and says intellectually he wants to be with me and my daughter. 3 weeks ago I asked him to leave the house until he is ready to work on the marriage. For the past 3wks he has been living outside of the house in an apt. I really want to cut off contact with him totally until he can make a decision but it is so hard. Not only do I miss talking to him or seeing him but I feel it is unfair for my daughter to not see him. Also we are in weekly therapy which I actually look forward to seeing him and debating whether to stop the therapy so that I don't have to see him.

The other decision is that he was taking a job in Aug. in a state far away and continues to say if we work on the marriage I should go with him. Yet he has not even been able to say that he wants to work on the marriage to begin with. We had been planning this move since december (before he revealled the affair) for he signed a contract for a job and we had been so excited to start a wonderful life in this new place.

This is a lot of stuff and maybe a bit confusing to those who read it yet there is so much to the story and it just keeps going on and on so I finally decided I really need guidance from others going through it. It is so painful everday I don't know what to expect. Some days I am completely depressed and others I feel so strong that I could go to the lawyer and file. I guess the bottom line is that I am not sure what to do at this point. Please give me some enlightenment I really am in need.

married 5 yrs
daughter 2.5 yrs
dday feb 3
affair since october

Taken, I don't know anything about what has been happening between February and now to make a meaningful comment. Apparently, you've only just found MB, so you're just finding out about exposure, Plan A and Plan B, etc. There is nothing wrong with doing something very like "Plan A" before you got here and found a label for what you were doing. If you have been doing something like what what Plan A calls for, let us know, okay? We need to know more about what he and you have been doing, and how you've been interacting during this time. Also, I don't know if you're near your family now and whether that is a reason you might not want to go with your husband to his new job or not? Tell us all the dynamics on that, okay?

If you haven't found detailed descriptions of Plan A and Plan B, one can be found here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Before you read that thread, I strongly suggest you order the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. That short volume is the source of all the practical advice you see here on MB. When you receive it, study it well from cover to cover.

I think you need to take your situation to the "General Questions II" forum. Most of the pros out here on MB stay on GQII exclusively and you'll get far more information and good advice on that forum.

The thing to keep in mind is that others have been through precisely what you are going through now. They've salvaged their marriage and stayed here on MB to help others do the same thing. If you're willing to do the heavy lifting in your marriage while your husband recovers his mind, if you're willing to sacrifice, and if you have enough patience left, you can save your marriage and make it stronger than it was before. Are you ready to do the hard things? If you are, order that book today and begin reading threads on GQ II, then set up your own there.

Thanks for your response. I actually have been reading Surviving an Affair for several months and I think it is the only thing that has given me hope and strength. Plan a and plan b are actually clearer to me now than what I read in the book so I was a little confused about it. So I appreciate how you really spelled it out.

I will start up again in the general q's as you have suggested.

Thanks so much!