Ok, I feel like I am being silly, but I need some advice...I have been married for almost 8 years now and my husband and I have been through some REALLY hard times, but we have gotten so close to God and to each other and our marriage has improved ten-fold. I don't want to bash my husband b/c he is a good guy, but for example, he NEVER helps me at home and if I even mention in passing, he gets defensive and says that I am nagging him. When I do say something, it's not ugly or with an annoyed tone, I just say, I could really use your help, I am just overwhelmed. With yesterday being mother's day, I thought that would be the day that I could get him to do some things for me. I asked him to give the kids a bath and I would iron his clothes. He went to the bathroom and was in there forever. I had gotten the kids in the shower and he was supposed to come in there an bathe them. He then said he had to take a shower b/c he got sick. So I ironed his clothes and gave the kids a bath, which I already do everynight anyway along w/ ususally making his lunch and my daughter's. Anyway, last night I had laid some clothes on the bed and instead of moving them to the floor so that we could go to sleep, he just moves them to my side of the bed!!! Keep in mind that I had cleaned our bedroom for 2 hours while he went to something at church. Today, I asked him to call me when he left work so that I could make arrangements for child pick-up and of course he didn't. I guess I am saying all of this b/c I feel like I am being taken advantage of and he is just not being toughtful or considerate. He got me a nice mother's day gift, but actions speak louder than a gift to me. I work 40 hours like he does, but he just got a new job that requires an hour travel, but I told him that I would be glad to move, but he is just not a risk taker and doesn't want to move out of our county....so he can't use that as an excuse to not help me out. I feel like I am just rambling, but I just needed a place to vent. Thanks!!!

Julie,

Does he read? Would he read a book if you asked him to? The two I have in mind are "5 Languages of Love" and of course "His Needs/Her Needs".

It sounds like to me you love language is "Acts of Service" and he's not doing that no matter how many "Acts of Service" you do for him. Reason being is that likely "Acts of Service" is not his love language.

As a matter of fact, when we were first married, we went through a class with the 5 love languages. At the time that we went through the class, my love language was probably words of affirmation and his was acts of service. Over the last 8 years, mine has changed to acts of service and his is now probably physical touch. I've even told him that my love language has changed. How can I get him to help me around the house without feeling like I am nagging him. He also feels like I don't appreciate what he does for our family ie. getting degrees and working, being ambitious. All of those things are great, but if I did as much as he does in the house, we would live in a pig pen!! If I have time to myself at home, I clean b/c I get more done when no one is there. If he is at home by himself, he sits and watches T.V. w/o regard to the dishes piled in the sink or the laundry piled up.

Well under the best circumstances, y'all would POJA the housework each with areas of responsibility. If you haven't done so yet, please read about Policy of Joint Agreement under the Basic Concepts of this site.

If you can't, then part of your duties as a wife is to protect the love you have for your hubby which may involve setting some boundaries about your domestic support of him.

Have you read through the basic concepts here? Many men have a HIGH need for appreciation. It sounds like your hubby is no different. Let me ask you a serious question. When he's done stuff around the house in the past, have you critiqued his performance or been less than appreciative of his performance?

I honestly don't feel like I have been unappreciative of what he has done or really critiqued him. Maybe I have been and I don't realize it, however I do realize that the more this happens, the more that I resent him for not helping me out. Therefore, I am less likely to feel compelled to meet his love language of physical touch. I seem to withdraw and don't really want to. I love him very much and I don't want this to be a huge issue for us, but am I just supposed to accept this as one of his flaws and focus on the positive things that he does for our family. I have done that for a while, but sometimes this just re-surfaces and I feel discouraged and I guess to be honest, unloved.