I need some advice. My husband left me 5 weeks ago. He said it was because I am controling and need to learn to be more independent. And he never got to go out with his friends. But I found out that starting in January he started talking to women on the internet. And has been talking to this one person a lot. I know he has had an emotinal affair but I am not sure about a physical one yet. we have four kids and we have just been married a little over 7 years. What should I do? I still love him and don't want to file for divorce. He will not sit down and talk with me either. All he does is come over every day to babysit the kids so I can go to work.

Maria,

Welcome to MB. Don't try to reason or teach a WS anything. They can't learn....they have no mind.

Ok, here's a list of what t/d.

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Take the EN questionnaire
3. Read Surviving an Affair & His Needs/Her Needs (both are by Dr. Harley). If things get rough, check out Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. It is vital you read.

4. Secure your finances
5. Create a support group (doesn't have t/b all people), just whatever gives you strength (as long as it is legal ) .

6. Call Steve H for some MB phone counseling and getting a recovery plan in place. 1st recovery 4 u then if he is willing for your M.

7. Don't force your D to spend time with a Ws. She deserves her dad not a WS.

8. Identify your boundaries. Implement them.

9. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

10. Do a background check on the OW and expose as needed. Make sure your reasons are legit.

Don't rush....take time to learn about plans A & B. It will help you recover faster..... remember u need to recover 1st.

take care,
L.

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

I have a question. Does your husband work? Do you know who the other woman is?

My husband does work and the women he is talking to is in Georgia.

The other women lives in geogia and all I have is her phone numbers. Please tell me what Ws means and D and so forth. I am new to MB and I dont have a clue as to what I am doing.I see a counselor locally. I just dont know what to do. I want to work it out and my family keeps thinking it might now work out. I am very overwelhemed.

Check out the emotional needs questionairre here and make sure you are meeting his. Men's top needs are often sex and admiration, sometimes domestic support.

Then start in Plan A. You can read all about it. Basically it is showing him what a wonderful wife you can be with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

How old are your children?

Read the first three threads in the Just Found Out portion of this forum. All the acronymns, plus many questions you're about to ask are there. Please feel welcome, and know that you've found a great place to get some sanity-saving advice.

my kids are almost 7, 5, 3, and 1. I dont even know how to navagiate in this system. So how do I find out what plan A is. I have been showing how good of a wife I can be. My counselor has been helping me in that area. But I get discouraged with what my family is saying. I love him and want to work it out.

Hi Maria...

Here's the link to the acronyms...and the link to Longhorn's Thread

Give us more details and we can help you come up with a plan...

Mrs. W

Maria, at the top of this page is a lot of text, ending with a sentence about "Marriage Builders® Weekend Attendees." Below that is a bar with several menu options. Click on "Main Index" and scroll down until you see "Just Found Out." Click on that option. The first three threads on that forum are the ones imanotherone referred to. They are WAT's quick start guide, an explanation of all the acronyms, and a general welcome. I have a thread over there called "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" you might also read. I think my thread will help you with an overview of what this site can do for you and help organize your efforts to regain your marriage.

Read those threads, Maria and then come back here to the General Questions II Forum and people will help you with a plan, okay?

We're all very sorry you're here. You'll find a good support group out here because we've all gone through the same difficulties you're facing now. Welcome.

ok, I read what you suggested. But I still have some questions. Isn't plan A something you work on before they leave or after? My husband left me almost 6 weeks ago. I know from cell phone records that he has been talking to other women. I at this point have no physical proof that he has had a physical affair. I don't know how to get im history. Plus he texted messages from his cell phone. I know the women he is now talking to is in Georgia. I am confused because we are getting along right now. He comes over every day and watches the kids while I go to work. So I really dont know what my next move should be.

Maria, you can do a Plan A when your husband isn't home, though it's harder and will have to last longer. You will have to entice him into being around more, suggest date nights with him, etc. The idea will be to get him to come home where you can do a more effective Plan A. Please don't get the idea you can correct this problem overnight. It's a very long process. Please read the books Orchid suggested. They will help you immensely.

As for getting more information about the affair, your best bet might be to check into the possibility of hiring a private investigator. Have you considered that?