(I am reposting this here as advice from a veteran member)

I am new to the site but I have been reading "Surviving an Affair" by Harley and found that I have really connected with the book so I am really happy that there are so many others that subscribe to the same view.

Anyway, I have been married for 5yrs and have been together with my husband for 10 years total. My husband revealed to me that he was having an affair 3 mths ago feb 3. The affair had been going on for 4 mths. When he told me it was a real shock because we never really discussed being unhappy and we as far as I know had been honest with each other in the past. Yes, the energy between us had been a bit dead especially since our daughter was born 2.5 years ago but we never addressed it.
He has been on the fence pretty much ever since. He keeps on going back in forth that he wants to possibly work on the marriage and then not. I have read several threads where I feel I am in the exact situation, it seems like they are all the same man practically. When he first told me he was willing to go to counselling, yet he wasn't sure what he wanted to do about the marriage. He has told her a number of times that he wanted to be with his family but keeps going back to her.Over time he has revealled that he is in love with her yet he tells me that he also loves me.Currently He is still seeing her yet states he is trying to get some distance from her. "I am only talking to her on the phone and seeing her once a week". This is not distance to me. He claims he is being honest with me in terms of when he sees her, and says intellectually he wants to be with me and my daughter. 3 weeks ago I asked him to leave the house until he is ready to work on the marriage. For the past 3wks he has been living outside of the house in an apt. He comes to the house on scheduled days to see our daughter and sometimes tries to stay over as well as trying to be intimate.I push him away but sometimes give in, for it is so difficult to keep pushing him away and sometimes I just feel like being with him. I really want to cut off contact with him totally until he can make a decision but it is so hard. Not only do I miss talking to him or seeing him but I feel it is unfair for my daughter to not see him. Also we are in weekly therapy which I actually look forward to seeing him yet debating to stop the therapy until he is finished with this affair.
The other decision is that he was taking a job in Aug. in a state far away (currently I am 3 hrs from family by car, but will be 6 hrs by plane)and continues to say if we work on the marriage I should go with him. Yet he has not even been able to say that he wants to work on the marriage to begin with. We had been planning this move since december (before he revealled the affair) for he signed a contract for a job and we had been so excited to start a wonderful life in this new place.

This is a lot of stuff and maybe a bit confusing to those who read it yet there is so much to the story and it just keeps going on and on so I finally decided I really need guidance from others going through it. It is so painful everday I don't know what to expect. Some days I am completely depressed and others I feel so strong that I could go to the lawyer and file. I guess the bottom line is that I am not sure what to do at this point, I really wanted to work on our marriage and see what the outcome would be, but I really feel out of control most of the time as well as weak. Please give me some enlightenment I really am in need.

TBS,

Welcome to MB. The pix is the same, just different names, times and places. Scary isn't it?!?!?

Ok, here's the quick skinny on what t/d.

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Take the EN questionnaire
3. Read His Needs/Her Needs.
4. Secure your finances
5. Create a support group (doesn't have t/b all people), just whatever gives you strength (as long as it is legal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) .

6. Call Steve H for some MB phone counseling and getting a recovery plan in place. 1st recovery 4 u then if he is willing for your M.

7. Don't force your D to spend time with a Ws. She deserves her dad not a WS.

8. Identify your boundaries. Implement them.

9. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

10. Do a background check on the OW and expose as needed. Make sure your reasons are legit.

That's for starters.

L.

taken, what kind of things have you done to bust up this affair? Has it been exposed? Who is the OW?

I would focus on busting up the affair and then go into Plan B. Exposure is ruinous to affairs and causes great conflict in them. It is like turning on the light in a crack house; no one likes to smoke crack when everyone is watching them.

In Plan B, you would not cut off his visits with his DD, but try and set up an intermediary where he could pick up his D without you having to see him and without him coming in your home. I do think you are very ripe for Plan B because your H is having his cake and eating it too. He has no movtivation to give up his harem. Plan B combined wiht exposure would give him a much needed wake up call.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Thank you so much for all the feedback. So far in terms of exposure my whole family knows which includes my parents who are devastated for they were really close with him (they haven't spoken to him now in 3 mths) my brother and sister and law, my friends, some of our mutual friends, his mother and his older bro and his wife who is quite upset, and his younger bro who is 22 knows we are having problems but doesn't know the details (his father, my h's stepfather also cheated on their mother). I also have spoken to the OW just to confirm that she knows he is married and has a 2.5 yo. I do not know her, but the info I have gathered about her is that she is married as well but no children and was having probs before they met and is now getting a divorce. She is a pharmacuetical rep. and met my h at the hosp. he works at. I have been considering informing her company given how unethical the behavior is, given she is trying to sell a product (maybe too much product) and she is seeing him on work hours, emailed him from her work address and also went to a conference on work expense where he was at. I have found emails as evidence. I have pondering informing her work for 2 mths now and feel that it would be right but I don't know. Any comments on that?


Orchid,

Quick question what you meant by legal in terms of support group. If we are separated (not legally) how would it be to go out on dates or is that not part of the plan. I am asking because I feel like that tends to give me more strength and confidence. Also I am thinking if we do wind up getting a divorce can that come back to haunt me in anyway?

TBS

Informing her company is a very good idea. Call the HR dept of the company.

How do you know she is getting a divorce? WS lie quite often. I would also try to get a hold of her husband and let him know. He might want to save his marriage, too.

oh wow, you have some good exposure opportunities here. I would start with her husband, then expose to her parents, and then her company.

what was her response when you spoke to her?

TBS, you shouldn't go out on dates, you are MARRIED. If you do that, you will be committing adultery just like him. You won't very well be able to object to his adultery when you are doing the same. Not to mention the fact that it causes huge problems for potential reconciliation and recovery.

I have actually spoken to her 2 times. The first was just to inform, and she basically said that she had no intentions of doing this and she knows it is unethical and stated she wished she could say something I wanted to hear (yeah, right) I really laid on a huge guilt trip and she said she was going to have to figure out what she wants, I told her that is extremely selfish. Overall I felt good about that conversation for it was extremely civilized and I got my point across. Then about 3 weeks later I called her again to tell her to stop calling him for he said to me he was ending it with her ( I also wanted to confirm that) and she was just hanging around like a fly on %^*#. This time I gave her more of a peice of my mind. I told her she was a loser for just hanging around a married man. She told me that she loves him and has a connection with him. I said I don't care he is married. There was other stuff said but I can't write it all. Anyway after after our conversation, she called him and told him it was over, but then he winds up calling her and saying something to keep it going again. So they continue to communicate.

That is what I thought too about dating but it is so hard to be in this limbo period and not be able to think I will be with the man I love and married.

Taken, listen to Melody. You read that generic operational plan on "Just Found Out." You need to be customizing one for your own marital recovery. You need to plan your exposure list and get ready to implement it. Melody is the resident expert on exposure and she's given you some excellent suggestions for targets to be put on your list.

I wouldn't suggest talking to the OW again. It serves no purpose, Taken. That woman is the enemy, along with the alien creature your husband has become. The OW is NEVER going to listen to reasoning and it's a self-defeating process trying to make her.

Right now, your best weapon is exposure. Show us who is on your list and tell us when you're going to do it, okay?

Let me add my voice to cautioning you against dating anyone other than your husband. DON'T DO IT. It is as wrong to do that as it is for your husband to be doing what he is.

Hang in there, lady.

Okay, my exposure list currently is:

1)Her company-this is really going to take care of a lot for they may take her off the accounts she has at his hospital if not let her go- I have to get up enough guts to do it, hopefully in the next couple of days

2)Her husband-don't know his 1st name so tried 411 and asked for last name, they had no one listed. I am going to have to find out more info about him

3)younger bro-the next time I speak with him

All other family and my close friends know

Anyone else suggested?

TBS

TBS, that looks good for an exposure list. Do you have the full address for the company and the precise title for what we think of out here as the "Human Resources Director?" Draft a calm, coherent letter letting that individual know about the affair and ask them what they're going to do about it.

Question: Have you considered exposing to the Hospital Administrator where your husband works, and his co-workers?

If you know OW's full name, address, and/or phone number, you might be able to use an online search program such as Zabasearch.com, Peoplefinders.com, or People Search (http://find.intelius.com/search-name.php?ReportType=1&)

Frequently, those search programs will provide a spouse's name. Don't overlook a simple Google search on her name either. You'll be amazed what information is available out there.

There are also websites which feature a "reverse directory" which can take a home phone number and do a reverse search to find the residence where that phone is and who the registered users are.

Finally, if all else fails, don't discount the low-tech solution. You can be your own Private Investigator and go knock on the OW's door, or a neighbor's door. I'll bet every one of the neighbors know the husband's name.

What about calling the human resources and informing them by phone. I feel like I want to just get it over and done with. Also I am going to do it anonymously and say that I am another physician at the hospital which I am (I am not currently working there now for I am staying at home with my daughter)

Thanks for those other websites I did try google but not the others.

My h's younger bro just called and I filled him in on the details of our situation, he said he had a feeling it was that. So that is one down the 2 tougher ones to go.

Okay, get busy on exposing, especially to her work and her husband. Be prepared for your husband to be very angry. He will say this is the last straw, he was going to work on the marriage, but now he wants a divorce, it was none of your business, how could you hurt her like that, it was the wrong way to do it, you are crazy, and my personal favorite - he will never trust you again.

But they get over the anger fairly quickly.

It's up to you how you expose, but it's my feeling a signed letter sent by registered mail makes far more impression on a company (hospital) official than an anonymous phone call. The former cannot be ignored. It creates a formal record of a complaint. An anonymous phone call doesn't have any such effect. The former sends the message you're trying to break up the afffair in order to save your marriage. The latter is someone spitefully wanting to make trouble. Let's face this squarely. It isn't going to take much intelligence to figure out it was you who called. If the HR director takes any action at all in response to an anonymous call, your WH will know in a heartbeat where the information came from. Then what would you do? Return a lie to him for all the lies he's told you? No. You can't do that.

You've got some great targets for exposure. Sit down, plan it...then do it. As believer said, when you do, expect your WH to be furious. Your intent is to smash this affair by exposing it to the light of day, but he will see it as vindictive and mean. That's okay. You know what it really is.

ok now my h is angry that I told his bro. which is expected.

I am so tired of putting up with his manipulating ways that
I also told him that I don't want any contact with him until he is ready to come to some decision to either end it with her or chose to divorce. I told him he could see our daughter if he comes up with some plan in which I wouldn't have to see him. He has it implanted in his head that I am trying to permit him from seeing our daughter, but that is not it at all. I told him I could drop her off at a mutual friend but he pretty much negged the idea. Obviously he wants everything his way and has a way of making me feel like I am the wrong one. He is so good at that and he doesn't even seem to know it.
Initially I was feeling pretty good about my decision but now I am starting to feel like a made a mistake (and it only has been 4 hrs, help me). I really want to get through this.

TBS

taken, what was the mistake?

I feel that I may have made a mistake saying that I don't want contact. It is just a feeling of uncertainty and being scared.

Believer told you he would be angry, TBS. Why are you surprised? You're going to stop now with the least effective target for exposure? Look, TBS. Your WH doesn't want his obscenity out in the light. If it stays hidden, he can keep on with it without anyone criticizing him.

What you are doing is starting a Plan B without first doing a Plan A. If he's not in the home, lady, how is he going to see how attractive place it is and how attractive a person you are?

His "making (you) feel like (you) are the wrong one" is a manipulative technique known as "gaslighting." It's not new. It's been used by manipulaters forever. Here's a recent thread here on MB discussing gaslighting.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...1&fpart=all

TBS, you haven't made a mistake in applying MB principles, but you have to decide before you go any further whether you have the patience and stamina to go through this. TBS, Plan A lasts an average of 3 months. Plan B usually lasts 18 months. There are no quick fixes.

If you don't think you can hang in there for the long haul, lady, MB won't work for you. Please let us know what you want to do because we can sit out here giving you advice until we turn blue. YOU, on the other hand are the one who has to go through this minute by minute and it is NOT going to be much fun, particularly at first. Let us know, TBS. We'll be here to help you if you want.

Yes, it is a mistake. I would not cut off contact. Instead work on busting up his affair by exposing it. It is critical that you contact the OW's husband and expose at work. And taken, don't expose anonymously. They won't take you seriously and it is cowardly.

I had done plan A for 3 mths, for he was living in the house for 3 mths after he told me. I followed plan A as best I could, but he just kept lying and sneaking around and wavering back and forth saying how he misses what we have, then the next day would meet up with her. I have been extremely patient and have been meeting a lot of his EN as best as one could including conversational, sexual, domestic, for the past 3 mths. He has been basically eating his cake since he told me in feb. I am not looking for any quick fix by any means I am just looking for support.