I'm having a really rotten day and need some one to rant to. I don't have any close friends, all my usual buddys are at work. Does anyone care to listen?

SURE.....HAVE AT IT.....

Sure go ahead.

OK, it's like this. I had a really awful day at work yesterday, and then on the way home, I rear-ended another car. Temporary lack of attention. I called my H, and he asked if I was OK and then said something to the effect of "well, the car's paid for". I assumed he was upset about the accident, but otherwise OK with it. I wrecked a car about 6 years ago and he went on for weeks and treated me really badly. I was hoping that with everything we've been through, this time would be different. Boy, was I wrong!! He acted like a 3 year old. He came home and proceeded to mess with the damage, making rude comments under his breath the entire time. I stayed out of "his space" as he likes to say. I stayed busy in the house. He came in as I was finishing mopping the floor in the kitchen. He stomped his feet and left big clumps of mud everywhere. Things got really ugly (yes, unfortunately alcohol was involved). Things got broken and words were said that shouldn't have been said. I am so depressed and hurt right now, I don't know where to turn. I know that he over reacts to everything, then I over react to his over-reacting. It's a vicious cycle that has plagued our relationship for many years. In the past I have been quick to forgive him when he behaves this way. But, ever since the A 2 years ago, I am holding on to my anger longer and longer. I feel as if material possesions are far more important to him than I am. I told him "the car can be fixed and I'll work overtime to pay for the fines, etc. But the damage that's being done to our marriage can't be fixed as fast". Any comments?

is it him that was involved with the alchohol or you?

Nikko--I hate to admit it, but it was actually both of us.

MOB,

Alcohol has been a very poor performer as a mood enhancer in the Plank household.

I can think of hardly ANY situations that the drug was of positive influence in our M.

When we first met I never drank. I’m a recovery drunk. So I know exactly what I speak about. My W is, non admittedly, an alcoholic. We have both made some seriously immature and self demeaning decisions while drunk in our lives.

It’s a terrible contribution toward MB’ing.

If you all have a problem with this then you’ll have to determine if there’s an addictive situation involved. If there is, then it’s highly difficult to overcome while MB’ing.

Dr. Harley tells us it’s impossible to recover a M with active addictions in place.

Does your H practice MB? If he doesn’t, start introducing it to him.

Accidents do happen. They can make us S’s frustrated sometimes but frustration should not manifest itself as anger. Anger is the inability for someone to express themselves efficiently in a positive manner. It’s usually something else that’s trying to get out but can’t ergo angry actions.

Hope you feel better today!

Plank.

Men and cars are a strange combination.

It would seem that your H was having a temper tantrum. Now, there are reasons to be angry about an accident and guys don't always handle that well. You have to fix the car; the insurance might go up; the precious baby car is injuried. Did he care if you were okay? What's done is done. You can't take back a wreck.

My feeling would be that he is acting out of line. Stomping mud all of your clean floor is pretty immature but then again, it too is just a floor. It's all a sign of deeper problems. My CH does stuff like this too.

I can see why you're depressed. This is a vicious cycle that must end. Are you going IC or MC?

Plank et al: I'm not sure how to proceed from this point. Not just for today, but for many days to come. I want to build a better marriage than the one I have now. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to not have my H in my life, and sometimes the picture looks pretty bright. That scares me. My H refuses to believe that there are problems within our marriage or more precisely refuses to discuss them with me. He can't possibly believe that all is right with the world. After all, he was the one who had the A. I feel that I am the one who is going to have to make changes or else we'll just go on as we are now, with a marriage that is wobbly at best. Big changes are in store for us and I'm not sure how we'll handle them if things don't change.

I have a different view then everyone else.

I think it is typical WS behaviour to some extent.

My FWW does the same thing. It seems like every little wrong thing I do, even if it is an accident, is magnified. I sometimes wondered why this happens and I finally came to a conclusion that wasn't entirely pretty.

Instead of working in a positive way to rebuild or relationship. Instead of showing me that she is willing to do as many good things for me as she can. Instead of doing nice things for me. oh you get the idea. My FWS magnifies the things I do wrong.

In my humble opinion there is a reason for this. The more you do wrong the less they have to do to make things right. If they consider getting into an accident a minor LB on your part you have some making up to do now.

Now I could be wrong but I see my FWW getting upset with me about some pretty stupid things and that is ok. When I get upset with her for some pretty major things I hear "do I ever do anything right?"

In conclusion take it with a grain of salt. Realize it for what it is. You did nothing wrong but in the FWS mind at least now they have a reason to be upset too.

Years: I think the biggest thing to him is how much $$$$ it's going to cost us to make things OK (as far as the vehicle is concerned). He's angry because he knows it's going to be a pain in the booty to get me back and forth to work, etc... He just doesn't deal with this very well and redirects his anger at other things. He even approached me with a list of how we are going to divide stuff up because I apparently don't take care of his stuff so I must not love him or so he thinks. It was so out of left field, I'm still shaking my head over that one.

Do you have insurance? If so even if it is your fault usually you can get a rental car until yours is fixed. Most policies cover this. So him getting you back and forth might be a moot point. If you have insurance all you have to pay is the deductable so it is not like you are going out of pocket for everything.

So what is the real damange of your ACCIDENT. Not like you made a conscious decesion to rear end someone. Wow you know what sounds fun today running into the car in front of me. My neck and back will be sore for a while, then I gotta get the car fixed. Fun Fun Fun.

The list sounds like a great idea. Trow a value on everything that is HIS. Oh that looks like it is worth x amount of dollars I need to get me one of those. If you are married it is both of yours not his.

If thats his logic grab him by the penis and say I can't trust you to take care of this on your own so you need to leave it with me. JUST KIDDING.

I've been in a similar situation over the past few months. I think the real answer to their behaviour is different, at least in my case. I think my FWW's tendency to blow up over little things that I do is a consequence of the hurt that has built up inside of her. So, instead of responding defensively when she gets angry at me over something, I address her feelings instead, or at least I try to. I'm not always successful - empathy isn't one of my strong points <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.