Do you think it is a reasonable request to ask the WS to apologise to family / friends affected by the A?

My bro has been my rock through this. However he will not even look at my wife until she:

1) commits to repairing the relationship (reasonable)
2) approaches him and apologises for her actions and what she has put our family through (I think reasonable)

Comments?

Of course it's reasonable to ask - but until they get their brain back from the mothership, don't expect a reasonable answer.

Just don't ask until recovery is WELL along.

Asking now would very likely be an LB to an abductee. Most WSs don't think they've done anything wrong, so what's to apologize for? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Buy your brother a beer.

WAT

phoenix, yes she does owe your brother an apology. Her affair hurt many more people than just you and the kids. Facing the people she hurt is one of the consequences of having an affair. She needs to assure your loved ones that she is committed to repairing your marriage and will not harm you any longer. My family needed that same reassurance from my H.

I agree with Mel and WAT. My WH failed to apologize to my sons during out false recovery, which only made them more hurt and more resentful. He just wasn't ready to take responsibility for the damage he had done.

commits to repairing the relationship (reasonable)

unreasonable...

WS need our compassion
WS need our love...

WS surround themselves with people who do not 'judge' (which is NOT what I am talking about)

WS battle the perception that they are so 'bad' so 'wrong' so 'horrible' they can't fix anything ..

and the normal reaction
is
to
deny they have hurt anyone
deny they were wrong
deny deny deny deny....

people who stand by and make "DEMANDS" of remorse
and
DEMANDS apologies.....

are the exact road blocks that hinder at WS journey home....

you can threaten and brow beat a WS in to sorrow

and you will get an empty sorry....
or you can hold them along their journey back from a world of evilness....

where they re-learn to value their own worth....so that they must then speak their apologies to people for they are in touch with the horrifying reality of what they did...

but also know that through even the most foul they were shown love and compassion....

Plan A is a plan and act of great hope and sacrifice...if you gather wagons around you that place DEMANDS on your WS...

you are NOT doing plan A
and you are undermining your plans....

plan a ....a defined period of time in which you show glimpses of hope and belief you CAN move past this...

not a list of people she must go to and apologize to...
based on her not even being valueable enough to be looked upon till she does...

do you see it now...
are you in plan A ....

ARK

If you take any 12 step program, such as AA, where someone is trying to recover from a problem, they always try to make amends with those they hurt. Here is steps 8 and 9 from the AA guide.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed,
and became willing to make amends to them
all.
9. Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or others.

In other words we want to apologize and make things right when we can, except if doing so would make things worst. If the person isn't at the point where they are ready to sincerly apologize, then forcing them to will only make things worst. And people can tell when an apology is sincere or fake. And just the fact that the amends come at steps 8&9 tells you the person has some work to do on themselves first before they are ready to start apologizing to everyone.

Reasonable.

My FWS had her A in one of my family memeber houses with her tenant that rented the basement apartment from her.

My family memeber opened her home to my FWW and my children so she could spend the summer back east and visit all of her friends and family. Again she did not stay with her family but mine.

My family member figured out what was going on and refused to babysit my children while my FWW went on a date with her tenant. My FWW got into my Family members face told her you are not going to tell me what I can and cannot do. My family member told her I am not going to watch your kids while you run around with another man. It turned physical and my family member kicked her out.

Now these two were very close before that and that is why my FWW stayed with my family and not her own.

I have told her she should appologize to her because your actions ruined a great relationship you had with her.

I will never ever look at my FWW the same if she does not appologize to at least that part of my family.

Exactamundo. I knew that my husband was SINCERE in committing to me and our marriage when he understood and was WILLING to apologize to my family.

Initially, he wanted to "never see them again" because he was embarrassed. However, that was a deal breaker for me. I had paid a high enough price for his affair, I would certainly not sacrifice my entire support system to accommodate his cowardice.

But he wasn't a coward; he faced them bravely and they love him today. I respect him very much for his bravery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good post, arkie.

phoenix - re-read that.

WAT

Thank you all. I recognize that we are no where near that point yet. It is not something I expect from her at this point.

Only a genuine repentant apology will hold any weight. Anything else will be transparent and meaningless.

But I will hold her to it when the right time come.

Thanks again.