I originally posted this in Emotional Needs, but they say this is a much better spot for me. Please tell me more about the fog! I spoke with her a lot last night and she is sticking with her "Everything with me seems like it is not real", everything in English doesn't feel real to her. I'm not sure how I can resolve this. Here is my original message. [color:"blue"] [/color]

Well I'm not really sure where to begin. I met my wife more than five years ago in college. I pursued her and won her over. She is from Mexico and I am a Kansas boy.
We married late 2004 and moved in between our family, so that it would be too much hassle to get to either.
About two months ago, my wife started telling me that she didn't think that we were right for each other and that we didn't bring out the best in each other. It slowly got worse from there. She would tell me that she didn't want to have kids in the US because she's afraid that they would regect her culture. Then slowly more. That she didn't really admire me the way a wife should admire a husband. It then started to become more apparent to me that she was wanting out. This kept progressing until she asked to go on a trip by herself to sort out what she wanted to do. She was going to NYC to all the museums etc. I totally trust her and thought that maybe it would be good. She left a Friday morning and called me that evening and told me she had lost her purse. I spent the entire weekend calling the police the shuttle company that she left it on, trying to recover the purse. She came back on Sunday night crying and giving me more attention then she had ever done before. I thought how great, she lost this purse, I did everything to get it back and it showed her how much I really care for her.
I continued working to find the purse, digging deeper into everything until I found that her shuttle reservation was under the name of an old college study buddy of hers from Mexico. She had always told me this guy was some freak that was obsessed with her. Now she wanted to come clean.
Before she came to school in Kansas she told this guy that she was in love with him, and she was. She came to Kansas met me, and thought that I would be temporary. Next thing she was staying in Kansas another semester, then she transfered to my school. Everything to me seemed that she wanted to be with me. She tells me now that I never let her go. What she met by that, is everytime she would screw something up I would be the one to fix it. I was the one that always said I was sorry for everything. I was always fixing everything. Making her feel like she could never tell me it was over or that she wanted out.
As our relationship progressed everything seemed to fall into place for me. She moved in with me. Then we ended up getting married. It all felt so right to me.
Now she tells me the entire thing felt wrong. To me, I look back and see 5 of the best years of my life.
Back to now! She went to NYC to see if this guy was everything that she wanted. It turned out she just got more confused about what to do with me. She lost her purse and ended up cheating with this guy. We have been talking a lot about everything and she has decided that this guy needs to wait until she makes her decision on me. She thinks that I am a great person. She knows I would never hurt her and I would do anything for her. She knows that I would be a great father and that I would always provide for her. We get along great, and we rarely argue.
She is a very goal oriented engineer and I am a more laid back engineer. We both have pretty nice jobs, but mine is not very challenging. She has been pushing me to find something new, but it's hard to leave a job a NASA. We have a lot of similarities and many differences.
I have forgiven her for the cheating. I can't dwell on that if I want to save our marriage. The question now is whether or not she wants to be with me. I will never give up on her. She is my life!
She tells me all the time that sometimes she feels like I am the one she is ment to be with and then later she will feel that I am nothing of what she wants. A lot of her concerns is that I am not Mexican. She is worried about her children not growing up like she did. I have commited to her that I will move to Mexico with her and make our family there. But then she will bring up the admiration thing. She says see admires my care that I give her, her and my family and friends, but she thinks that I don't have the drive to be the best that I can be in my career. I have been at this job just over a year, and I too am ready to look for something more challenging, but the market in our city is not good for me. Regardless, I know that I will do great things in my life, but she has to be patient.
I just don't know what to do. I want nothing more that to save this marriage, but it takes two to want that. What do I do??? Please help!
Thank you so much!

Can my marriage be saved single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 05/16/06 09:25 AM
View Results

Dan, is she still communicating with the OM (Other Man) by phone or through e-mail? What do you know about the OM, is he married?

Please take a moment to read about "Plan A" in the basic concepts of this part. If the affair is still continueing an integral part of Plan A is exposure to all the people who have influence in your wife's life such as her parents, siblings, etc.

I wish you luck but it seems to me that you have immediately forgiven her for cheating without consequences that sends a very bad message to her. Second, I strongly urge you to get tested for STD's. I will assume she had unprotected sex.

From your message it seems your wife has been consistently unhappy and wanting this OM. She screws up and you fix everything time and again. She sounds very uncommitted and clearly seemed to have no problems lying and cheating on you. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. I would also suggest that you seriously look at your marriage and ask yourself if you wish to have children with a woman whose heart and soul is not in the marriage and will probably leave in the future. Do you wish to become a part-time father? I think you deserve better in your life and not settle for less.

No I believe her. She has stopped communicating with the other guy. She wants to focus on making her decision about me without him in her mind. I will read the Plan A section.

She is the type of person who will hold their feelings in until they go away instead of talking them out and finding a solution. This is what has caused her to go so long with me and not tell me about how she is feeling. I'm just lost as how to help her with the whole "life doesn't feel real with me". I think a lot of it has to do with our recent move to a new city. We got married moved to a new city and have really relied on each other. We haven't made any freinds and we spend a lot of time together. She seems happy when she is with me. Every once in a while she gets down about something, but I just always assume it's just everyday life kind of things.
She has always had a problem with dwelling on the negative. Example, she had a big test that she had been studying for over two months for. She took the test and thought she failed. Knowing that she is a brilliant engineer, I knew she did fine, but she was convienced that she would have to retake the test and explain to her employer that she had failed. She was depressed for some time about that, crying a lot. All the while I was trying to comfort her and show her that there was nothing she could do now but hope for the best. Sure enough after all that worrying she did very good on the test.

She is like that with everything. Now I feel that she sees these issues with us as never being able to resolve. I tell her that committment is about compromise and that I am willing to make major changes in my life to become everything I can, but she doesn't think it will work.

No admiration for me, this other guy is Mexican, he is currently working on his PhD in High Energy Physics. He is a very driven person. Even if she doesn't want to be with him in particular. He shows her that there are others out there that can much more closely fit what her ideal husband would be.

She is working on a list of pros and cons for staying with me, but she feels like some of the cons are too difficult to resolve. Not Mexican, nothing seems real, no admiration.

Again I want to thank everyone for their help!
Daniel

Dan - my basic questions for short term marriages:

How old are both of you and do you have any children with her?

She didn't have unprotected sex, and realy most of what you said is right. I am the one that always fixes things. I am the one that forgives her in an instant.
I know that she cares about me deeply, but I feel she is so confused! I am too. I have issues to work on if I want to save us. The biggest one is what you said. I always fix everything, never let her come to me and apologize for anything. Even if she is wrong.
She is a great person and I know in my heart that she can commit. It's just getting to her to commit??
Thanks,

I'm 28, she's 25 and we just have two dogs and a home together. We both feel pretty alone in this city without each other. It seems that everyone here is suggesting I end it right?

That would be my suggestion, yes.

You're young and have no kids and likely don't have a lot of accumulated assets. Cut your losses. Chalk it all up to experience and take advantage of the info on this site in developing your next relationship.

WAT

That doesn't feel like the right thing to do right now. I don't feel like we have tried to work this out enough. She is a great person and I could not live with myself if I let her go.
How can I help her?

Keep in mind you cannot control her thoughts, feelings, or actions. So basically the only thing you control is you and by controlling that is your only means of helping her.

One thing you really need to seriously look into is whether or not the affair is still going on. While she may have told you she stopped contact, almost every betrayed spouse on this site has heard those same words and almost everytime they heard them for the 1st time it was a lie. Check e-mail, cell phone, and other phone records. Look for calling cards etc. If the affair is going on in any shape or form it will kill your marriage unless you kill it.

Secondly, understand that every other word out of her mouth will be a lie. I know you don't want to believe this and think you know her and all this stuff but it's been proven over and over and over and over again that Wayward Spouses lie over and over again. Get an STD test.

As I mentioned on your other thread, get and read Surviving the Affair, TODAY. Read up on Plan 'A' and begin some covert investigations to see what is truly going on. Key Logger software for your computer at home is a must. Do not confront her until you have undeniable proof and that confrontation is done along with Plan 'B' and full exposure.

Dan, you may think y'all are different or the exception but let me assure you, you ain't.

That's an honest and understandable reaction.

It shouldn't feel like the right thing to do right now, otherwise you wouldn't be here - you would have already done it.

Heed the advice by Lost Husband, above.

My recommendation to cut your losses does not mean you can't be successful in recovering your marriage. It just means that, all things considered, you have less invested in this relationship and the "losses" are small compared to long term marriages with children involved and you have many, many years ahead of you.

Best of luck to you.

WAT

Dan - It appears you believe your WS is different from all the other WS on this board. I too believed that, and I was dead wrong. Your W is now a WS and you need to accept that. All these things she is telling you is because she is committing adultery, period. Do not believe her foolish justifications. Your M can be saved but you need to open your eyes up to the truth of the situation. I would advise going through her cell phone records, e-mail accounts and doing what ever else you can to find out what is going on. Taking her word for anything right now is not the way to save your M.

See I have been doing just that. I know that she has stopped talking with him. The only place she can talk with him is her office. I truely believe that she is not lying to me on this one. I read the e-mail she sent to the other guy telling him she wanted to clear up things with me before talking with him. She has history with this guy and she feels bad for the way she has treated him as well. Just today she told her Mom what is going on. I'm sure that she is leaving out the cheating part. I really do believe the her cheating was an attempt to get me to leave her.
I really don't know where to go from here, but I do know that I am definitely not ready to through in the towel. It's not in my nature. I'm hoping that her parents will set her focus back on commitment.

Dan

Boy oh Boy it sounds like you have my marriage except I have kids. Big difference.

My FWW is from back east and I am from the west coast. I lived back east for 7 years and that is where I met her. When I bought my own business which was located on the west coast I asked her to come with me. She agreed. Upon arriving my FWW got pregnant. After some time I asked her to marry me.

After almost 5 years together and 3 years of marriage she drops the bomb on me that she is not happy here on the west coast. etc.

Two years later she went to NY and had an affair.

I was always the one that took care of fixing all of her mistakes etc.

Her heart never belonged to me or another man. Her heart belongs to the east coast.

If I would have known this all before I had other reasons to stay in this marriage IE the kids. I would not be in this M today. Not because I don't love her but because no matter what I do it will never be enough to offset her not moving back east.

If you love something set it free. Right now you have that chance. If she comes back you will know.

Well it does sound very similar. One difference is that I am willing to move to Mexico with her. I think it would be better to be there than here in Texas alone. I am pretty out going, but here we have not had anytime or luck with new friends. I figure having her family and friend around us will help us greatly.
If we have kids I think it is important for them to have there grandparents close. I tell her that I don't feel that we are in the right place, and that I always felt that our move to Texas would be temporary.
I'm not sure how to let her go. Neither of us wants to move out. We have a garage apartment that is empty and I have slept there a few nights, but it doesn't feel right sleeping up there.
There is just so much worth saving to me!
Did you two end up moving back to the east coast with her family? Do you think it would solve the issue?
Thanks for all your help

She also has shown a lot of resistence to making friend here in the US. She doesn't feel like she has anything in common with anyone here. I really feel that a move could save us, but I have to know that she will commit to me if I make that jump.

Dan,

Please don't believe anything she says regarding ending the affair. We see it countless times that the BS is fooled into trusting their WS regarding this. A WS will lie to their own mother about the affair without blinking an eye.

I think I've heard before that the feeling of 'nothing being real' that you mention is a common feeling in a WS. My wife had the same issue when she was in an affair. She shouldn't consider that a con at this time because it's temporary.

Is the real issue that you are not Mexican? I doubt it. She probably just feels disconnected from her culture. Do you know spanish? Speak it to her a bit. Make her a mexican dinner once in a while. Play some mexican music occassionally.

In the end I agree with the recommendation that you leave her. Too early in the marriage for this to happen. But if you chose to work on it, snoop on her a bit. Check cell records and email accounts. Odds are she is in contact with him.

Good luck.

Well at one point I was willing to move back east. I have family here she has family there.

She decided to stop using the carrot to move back she started using the stick. She used this as an excuse to fulfill her whims including the A.

Do I think moving back would help? Yes it would help her feel more secure if we were ever to end up getting a D.

We went to an MC over this issue and he basically said that moving somewhere will never solve the issue. She was not running to something she was running away from something. He wanted to find out what that something was and she decided he was wrong and that we should just move. His advice was moving will never solve the problem. Solving the problem will solve the problem. If you commit to moving and that wasn't really the problem what do you think she will do next?

Now I again have a different situation then you. I have two kids. The divorce and custody laws where I live now are more fair to men then they are where she wants to move.

Where I live I can get 40-50% custody quite easily if I were to move back I would get the honor of seeing them every other weekend and maybe once during the week. I would also be entitled to pay her much more support for those children.

So you think it is impossible for her to realize that all those feels etc that she has for the other guy can not be put on hold until she figures out what to do with me. Why would she just not quit and go with him.
If that is what she wants why doesn't she just go then?

That is why I don't think that is it. I have done all the snooping that I can. I have to trust her now. If she blows the trust again, then I will know. But what I need now is to solve the issues she puts in front of me.

I would like to separate from her, to give her some time to think, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
Thanks again gentlemen

“””Why would she just not quit and go with him. If that is what she wants why doesn't she just go then?”””

Around here, we call this cake eating. She can have some of her emotional needs met by you and some by him. And right now, with the distance, he’s pretty much like a fantasy out there.

”””I have done all the snooping that I can.”””

Kewl, well keep it up. If she is in contact, which the experience of those here would indicate, she will slip up.

“””I have to trust her now.”””

Trust what you can see….

“””But what I need now is to solve the issues she puts in front of me.”””

OK, what exactly is the issue that she has put in front of you?

”””I would like to separate from her, to give her some time to think, but I'm not sure how to go about it.”””

There are two basic plans here “Plan A” is where you become a totally awesome hubby and don’t love bust at all. And then “Plan B” is where you cut all contact with her, but this can truly only be done until you’ve implemented a lengthy successful “Plan A”, so that she truly has something to miss and can feel the full consequence for her actions.