I've posted a lot of my situation at this link over in the Emotional Needs section. HERE IS THE LINK

It was suggested that I post here because I might get more useful advice.

I would be VERY grateful of any advice from anyone after reading the above thread and to let me know if I should still fight for my marriage even though she wants to file or what I should do.

It is strange because it is obvious we both really care for each other, have love and respect for each other, etc....yet she still wants to split.

Thank you!

"NOTICE how she says, "I didn't want to hurt his feelings..."? This is her main problem with communicating with me and has always been this way. She even knows this and has admited to it. If only she would have put my feelings aside earlier before all this blew up, things may be different. Just my two cents."

She needs to learn that she does not CAUSE your feelings. She lives her life and you live yours. She has her own feelings and you have yours. This problem will carry with her if she can't stop taking responsibility for other people's feelings. She's living in reaction to what she expects other people to feel, that's a hard and uncomfortable way to live.

Has anyone suggested to you that you suggest she come out here to MB and start posting what's on her mind? The emotional needs forum may be a good place for her to start cuz that's likely what she feels she missing from you.

Back off maybe, be supportive, and let these people at MB do the work. Friends are great, but unfortunately they don't always know exactly what is going on in your relationship, tend to just be supportive of her decision and not question it, plus they probably have their own problems anyway so maybe their advice could be harmful.

As you know the people out here are wonderful. Have been there, done that and speak from experience. And there not "yes men and women".

I read some couples that are out here together have rules like don't post on each other's threads and the like, maybe that would be a good suggestion if she is willing.

Found that my wife emailed a friend this today...



The thing is, I didn't say I wanted the divorce at all...I just said that if she want's it, I will have to accept it. I clearly don't want it and she knows this.

Anyway, for any of you who have been in this situation...any ideas of what to do?

We are actually in MORE contact now that we have talked about the D and the "elephant" between us has gone. It is strange. I'm finding that we connect better now. I'm thinking now is a critical time if this marriage is going to be saved.

Any ideas?

It sort of sounds like she isn't sure, that's why she's draggin her feet. Something is nagging at her that is causing her to question herself.

She may say the "d" will hurt you, but by draggin it out she is hurting you too and deep inside she knows that. There must be something else.

It also appears she has changed your words to justify in her head leaving, see cuz your "on board" now and are willing to do this quickly. Unfortunately, she is most likely unaware that she did that.

I really suggest you let her do what she thinks she needs to do to work this out on her own. She'll figure it out with time and space. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but it is not in your control. Don't drive her away while she's in this process by being too needy.

It appears your best bet is to let her start working this out and back off so maybe she can figure whatever it is out "sooner". If she never figures it out, then your better off getting on with your life. Give yourself a time frame, say 6 months. You back off and wait, if after 6 months she is still in lala land, you move on.

I just read a book called "co-dependent" no more. It is not just for partners of alcaholics. I became the one that was trying so hard and letting all my H's behaviors obsess my thinking and actions. It is not healthy for you and you are likely to drive her away that way anyway. When you start doing things like reading her email and phychoanalyzing everything she says and obsessing about what YOU can do to change how she thinks and behaves you have crossed over from caring spouse into codependency IMO.

It also appears your too attached, that's the codependency thing again. Let it go, her decision is not in your control. Maybe that is what is driving her away and she just doesn't know yet cause it's hard to "see" and can be interpreted as a "good thing" when it isn't compulsive.

Maybe this would be a good book to pick up and see what I'm saying.

Paul, your situation sounds similar to mine. I wasn't able to read all of the posts, but I got a jist of what's happening. My W asked me for space several months ago, and almost every month since then...we are finally getting around to it now. I moved out last week, and its been tough. I'm not sure how long it will last, but up to the point of actually seperating, we were arguing really bad. She wants a D much like your W does. I've also contributed to our problems much the same way that you have. If I try to do any kind of little love-bank type things, she just gets angry with me more or less...we haven't been intimate in almost a year !!!....I'm not sure if I'm able to help you out much, but our situations seem very similar. I hope you are able to work things out, I know exactly how you feel about all of this. Would you say that you have good days and bad days?...that's how it seems for me.