My husband seems really sorry for what he did to me. He had an emotional affair with a co-worker (he says it was just a friendship....whatever). Anyway my question to all wayward spouses is this:

Have you ever truly gotten over your EA or PA? Is it possible to really move past your affairs and live a happy, healthy and perhaps a much better life with your spouse?

Just a question. My H never talks about his "friend" and has been totally focused on our marriage which I'm really happy about but I want to get others opinion on how they dealt with their situations after the affairs were over.

Thanks everyone and thanks again for all of your advice while I was an emotional wreck.

Hhmmm no responses. Is this a bad sign.

I hope not.

I did forward your post to my FWW to see if she'd respond. Unfortunately she prefers not to post here.

DBH,

You might want to change the title to Questions for FWSs. Truly a WS would probably not be able to answer as they are still wayward. Make sense?

You want FWSs to answer as they are either in recovery or recovered and know how it worked for them, also they are truly the ones with the answers you seek. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just my .02

Yes, DBH,

I didn't get over my EA/PA's...I changed my perspective to see them as what they truly were...fantasies.

I used them like drugs...and that's what they were. Says a lot about me and nothing about them as human beings.

They knew I was married. That's their part.

I love the marriage I have today...and do not believe I could be here, in this place, without what it took for me to get here.

I welcome our struggles and equality. I cherish my H as the gift he is in my life...and have no doubt about me honoring God and myself for the rest of my life.

LA

My affair was with my 'first love'. We had dated for 5 years, apart for 11 years and then met back up and our affair lasted 2.5 years.

I reconciled with my H, 100% committed to the marriage, madly in love with my H (so much it shocked me). The FOM did call me 3 times during that year. My H and I did not know about the MB principles so we had never discussed NC. FOM called about once every 4 months or so just to see how everyone was doing.

I was shocked with how indifferent I was to these phone calls. It was like talking to some Aunt that I vaguely knew. There were no pangs or longings, there was nothing. We would exchange info on how each others extended family was, I would be very non-chatty and that bothered him.

And the three times that he did call, I told my H that day. I would have felt really funky not telling him. My H and FOM had become friends (oddly enough) and H was even willing to have FOM visit the family if he was ever in town. (I know, very very odd). I don't think I would have ever invited him, though. I did not initiate any conversations with him and I seriously doubt I would have had him over for dinner.

So, for this FWW, my feelings for FOM were completely indifferent after I reconciled with my H. It wouldn't have bothered me to have never heard from him at all.

same for me, once it was over for me, i felt nothing but indifference for that man... my EA died a natural death, since my Husband had his own PA at this point.

I can care less if he is happy or anything else. Normally when you really love someone... or did love someone, you still want that person to be happy even if you dont want to be with them. At least thats how i felt about my Husband wheni was in my EA. To me thats another sign that i only truly loved my husband, as i still cared for him and wanted him happy even when i thought i didnt love him anymore.

For FOM, i feel none of those things, he is like any other stranger on the face of this planet, he has no meaning whatsoever. I could never quite figure out why i felt so differently.. after all.. when i was in my EA, i felt such strong feelings, that i left my Husband in the dust. But today i know i was never in love with FOM, i was in love with the feeling that i had when i was with him.

So it wasnt really that particular person, anyone could have made me feel that way.. except for my Husband, cause i blamed my unhappiness on him, never knowing it was inside myself, until much later.